“There’s nothing else to do, Sal.” That’s part of the rationale Ray Lewis uses to explain to ESPN’s SalPal why the nation’s crime levels will surge in the event of a continued lockout. And if anyone should know it’s Ray. After all, his friends never would have killed that guy* if they hadn’t been so broken up about NBC cancelling The Mike O’Malley Show after two episodes. America needed that show. [ESPN]

*Just kidding, they were totally acquitted.

Yesterday it was announced that Tony Dungy will head the Players Advisory Forum, a group that will serve as a intermediary between players who want to bitch and the league executives who want to ignore them. Already committed to the cause is a religious nut (Kurt Warner), a phony dickbag who conveniently adopted religion to cover for his sordid past (Ray Lewis) and Brian Dawkins (Brian Dawkins).

Now, Dungy has already played guardian angel for Michael Vick. He’s trying to do it again with some college football coach. But what’s his angle? If there’s anything I distrust, it’s a guy with a savior complex. I search for greed and self-interest in the basis for every action. Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE IS GREEDY AND SELF-INTERESTED!

Therefore, I must conclude that Dungy is starting a cult. A big awesome football cult. I bet he’ll call it the Indianapolis Cults (ba-zing?).

Now, I have no problem with cults. One of my uncles is actually in one. Growing up, I’d only see him at holidays, but he seemed a fairly normal and affable guy. As a teenager, I began picking up on the fact that in-laws commented that they never knew where his income came from, and they joked that he was probably a drug dealer (he lives in Miami, which is for drug dealers what D.C. is for lawyers). Then finally when I was about to graduate high school, they dropped the bombshell on me that he joined a cult right after he got out of college. “Who’s the cult leader?” I would ask. At the time he joined, it was some Indian kid who was anointed a deity at birth, which sounds like a pretty sweet deal for the kid. I’m guessing he’s a grown-up deity now. “So what does he do for the cult?” I would press. They didn’t know entirely, but they’d answer, “well, he mostly flies around on The Guru’s jet.”

I know Waco gave cults a bad name, but my uncle got a good arrangement at this benign cult where he would just fly around everywhere on jets and party with crazy cult floozies. My conclusion: CULTS. ARE. AWESOME.

Sadly, I never got in on the lazy floozy banging cult life. Instead, I became a layabout blogger. But this cult sounds like it could work. Add football to the equation, and I want in on the ground floor of Dungy’s football cult. I imagine hating the gays will be a big part of it, which I can’t say I would be crazy about. Me and the gays got no beef. But if they got a sweet jet, then shit, all bets are off, gays. Sorry.

Anyway, this is a roundabout way of me saying Ray Lewis is going against Dungy’s former team this weekend. But Terrell Suggs is out, so even though the Ravens were already boned against the Colts, they’re extra boned now.

Ray Lewis: A’yo God Moe D, this free agency noise is dragging the hell out! I should’a been signed by now! Ray-Ray gots to get cash-in-hand, baby! WOOOOOOOO! [Waits for camera to arrive to form prayer circle]

God: There are many lucrative contracts available to you, Ray. The Jets, in particular, were generous in their offer. But you pressed them for more money and they then signed Bart Scott.

Ray Lewis: But I tole everybody I’d let you decide for me. That way, if my production were to somehow slip post-contract, I can pin it on a vengeful, inscrutable higher power. YA FEEL ME!? WOOOOOOOOOO! [High kicks with pyrotechnics]

God: I already told you to resign with the Ravens.

Ray Lewis: [Plays 30 pounds overweight] But you ain’t told the Ravens to up their contract offer! Ray-Ray don’t take no hometown discount! Ray-Ray don’t send out hometown circulars in your Sunday paper! You pay full price! WHY YOU TRYING TO SELL GOD’S LINEBACKER SHORT, GOD’S GOD!?

God: Considering your age and market value, remaining with the Ravens would be the wisest career move.

Ray Lewis: But I wanna go to Dallas! Baltimore don’t wanna give me top dollar. Top dollar’s the only dollar worth getting! C’MON, TELL GOD’S LINEBACKER TO GO TO DALLAS! WOOOOOOOOOO! [Does chicken dance]

God: Dallas doesn’t have the cap room, Ray.

Ray Lewis: Then make them have the cap room!

God: [Makes Dallas release T.O.] There.

Ray Lewis: [Sends playful text message to Demarcus Ware] Yee-hah! Gonna get that star. Texas is perfect. On one hand, they love God. On the other, they love murder. On the freakish malformed third hand, they love being fat. THREE FOR THREE, BABY! WOOOOOOOO!

God: Dallas still doesn’t want to sign you.

Ray Lewis: But I can’t resign with Baltimore now. They already lowballed my demands of $80 million guaranteed, unlimited supply of McGangBangs, a limited but plentiful supply of actual gang bangs and permanent immunity on any stabbings within 30 miles of the city. And they gotta trade for Ocho Cinco. Troubled brother needs the counsel only I can provide.

God: That is steep.

Ray Lewis: ‘Course it steep. You pay for quality! Dancing and fake leadership don’t come cheap! The Brett Favre of linebackers is an invaluable asset!

God: You should go ahead and accept the Ravens current incentive-laden offer of $24 million over three years.

Ray Lewis: Oh. [Plea bargains for lesser sentence] You gonna do me like that too, God? Just how much I making for being your linebacker? I wanna renegotiate. Satan might be needing him a new linebacker. And you know he don’t like using the draft. Lance Briggs ain’t gonna last him forever. And don’t try to franchise my ass neither. I’ll mail it in every week.

God: We don’t have any financial arrangement. “God’s Linebacker” is a tag you’ve applied to yourself.

Ray Lewis: I BEEN WORKING FOR FREE!? AW HEEEEEIL NAH! YOU OWE ME RETROACTIVE PAYMENTS, GOD’S GOD! WHERE’S MY PARADE?! WOOOOOO! [Threatens NFL GM to sign Keon Lattimore]

God: [Kills self]

Ray Lewis: Uh-oh! Godless Universe’s Linebacker gonna need a new home! WOOOOOOOO! [Plays several more years past his prime]

I was utterly perplexed when I read this morning that Ray Lewis is, in fact, Jewish. Maj says it’s utter bunk, but maybe he just doesn’t want to claim God’s linebacker. Nonetheless, it says so right on his Wikipedia bio– so it must be true. Happy Hanukkah, Ray.

Jewish? Cool. But Ray as a mohel ? We think not.

And when I’m done stabbing you, I’mma stab that goalpost. Think you’re pretty clever, don’t you Mr. Goal post? Well, me and Mr. Knife don’t take too kindly to that shit. No more doinkin’ for you.

Nobody makes Ray Lewis come back out of the locker room. I was mid-dance, you fucks.