Chris Matthews: Oh my goodness, what a primary season this has been! I cannot believe it’s finally over! I tell ya, it like a great OVERTIME FOOTBALL GAME that kinda tires you out, but that you’re sad to see end! You got Clinton vs. Obama. Just two big TITANS goin’ at it! Howard Fineman, don’t you agree that this was kind of like a too-long football game that was actually too short?

Howard Fineman: What?

Chris Matthews: Tim Russert, what did you think of this primary season? I mean, didn’t you think is was just FASCINATING?!

Tim Russert: You hit the nail on the head, Chris. It has been FASCINATING.

Chris Matthews: I agree. I think this has really been FASCINATING. Real eye-opening.

Tim Russert: Agreed. Absolutely FASCINATING.

Chris Matthews: Turning our attention to the general election, Tim, what do you think we can expect over the next five months here? I think it’s gonna be really, really interesting!

Tim Russert: Me too. I think there’s gonna be a lot of healthy debate. We’re gonna find out a great deal about these two candidates, John McCain and Barack Obama. There’s still a LOT we don’t know about Obama. Right now, we only know his entire life story, the names of everyone he’s ever met, his entire political platform, his voting record, what he likes to eat, and this full body CT scan that was taken just 10 minutes ago. But there is still a LOT we just don’t know. And that’s all gonna be revealed. It’s going to be very, very interesting.

Chris Matthews: Well, before we get to that, let’s look back for a moment. Tim, we’ve been through, what was it? 50 states, and 54 primaries, with over 34 million people voting? That’s AMAZING! And this thing was so close the whole time through! How was Hillary Clinton able to keep this thing so close even when Barack Obama was beating her like a Bensonhurst housewife all through March?

Tim Russert: Two words, Chris: RACIST VOTERS. That was the one key segment of the population that Obama, for whatever reason, just could not get through to.

Chris Matthews: That’s amazing.

Tim Russert: It really is. If Obama wants to win this election, he’s going to have to do a better job reaching out to those hardcore racist voters. I want you to look at some of these polling numbers. Now these are FASCINATING. Racist voters alone make up more than 40% of the electorate.

Chris Matthews: Oh, wow!

Tim Russert: And they’re really crucial in swing states such as Ohio, Pennsylvania, Northern Florida, and pretty much any area more than 5 miles away from any major US city. That’s a big voting bloc that Hillary Clinton was able use as a base. Perhaps they admired her sheer force of will. Who knows. Now, the question is: will those racist voters stay with Obama, or will they vote for John McCain instead?

Chris Matthews: That’s a tough one. I mean, this election has had so many twists and turns. So many lead changes. I tell ya, it’s just like the Pro Bowl!

Tim Russert: And here are some more numbers that should give Obama pause, Chris. Among racist voters, Clinton won 100% of the vote. A clean sweep. And, asked if they had a favorable impression of Obama, virtually all racist voters said no. Now, that’s a lot to think about. We even have some quotes from some of these voters as they came out of the polls. And they said things like:

-“Fuck that ——.”
-“No way I’m votin’ fah that fackin’ dahkie!”
-“I don’t want no —— bein’ President, and that’s that.”
-“I likes my Presidents smart, and ain’t no blackies smart.”
-“I don’t want that black man robbing the Treasury for crack money.”
-“Ain’t he one of them colored A-rabs?”

I think it’s gonna be really hard for Obama to make inroads with a lot of these voters. They’ve got some very strong opinions.

Chris Matthews: Well, why do you think Obama has such a tough time connecting with racist voters?

Tim Russert: Well, that’s the real puzzle. It could be because he went to Harvard. Racist people seem to have great antipathy towards institutions of higher learning. It also could be because Obama grew up in Hawaii. Again, he’s got that kind of outsider mystique. He’s very dark and exotic looking. These people just can’t seem to relate to him. It’s gonna take a lot more polling and research to figure out exactly why.

Chris Matthews: Let’s bring in Pat Buchanan for a moment. Pat, what do you think Barack Obama can do to help win over some of these racist voters?

Pat Buchanan: Well, I think no matter what he does, Chris, he’s going to have a tough time. Remember, not only is he black, but he’s also MARRIED to a black woman, and that’s still very taboo in certain sections of the country.

Chris Matthews: You’ve met plenty of racists on the campaign trail, Pat. You’re even one yourself. What do you think racists would like to see out of Obama?

Pat Buchanan: I think they’d like to see him get tougher with blacks. You know, for racist voters, the #1 issue in this campaign will be RACE. So Obama’s not gonna get away with simply paying lip service to these people. He’s gonna have to go all out. Renouncing this… what was his name? Wright? Renouncing that Wright fellow isn’t going to be enough. I think what he’s going to have to do is renounce his blackness.

Chris Matthews: Will it be easy for him to make a clean break with being black?

Pat Buchanan: No, I don’t think it will be, because he’s black. But I think he can take steps to distance himself from that fact. Perhaps if he wore brighter pancake makeup. Or if he were to announce that he was openly afraid of black people, as so many of these people are. I think that might go a long way to bridging the gap.

Tim Russert: I’ll tell you one other thing he can do, Chris. He can hang out in the tailgate lot this fall with lots of racist NFL fans. Like the ones in Foxboro, and Jacksonville, and Washington, and Philly, and Baltimore, and Dallas, and Houston, and Charlotte, and New Orleans, and New York, and Cincinnati. Lot of racist voters in Cincy. And let’s not forget about the NFC North. Those people in the upper Midwest are very polite, but that doesn’t mean the idea of a black President doesn’t make them want to throw up their knockwurst. And, frankly, if you’ve ever heard the PA announcer at Detroit Piston games, you kind of understand why.

Pat Buchanan: I agree with that.

Tim Russert: Anyway, when those people get shitfaced, you should hear how often the n-word flies out. I think Obama and his campaign director David Axelrod really need to spend time with these people, so that they can get to know him. Because I don’t think he’s done a very good job introducing himself to racist voters. He seemingly doesn’t want to engage them.

Pat Buchanan: That’s because he’s an elitist, Tim!

Tim Russert: Yes, and he also hangs out in California a lot, which racist voters don’t like. Although, you’d be shocked at some of the casual racism among Southern Cali douchebags. Really striking.

Chris Matthews: I just find it amazing that some of these voters would go from voting for Clinton, who has virtually the same positions as Obama, to supporting McCain. That seems crazy to me. Howard Fineman, why don’t these racist voters like Obama? It’s almost like they hate him!

Howard Fineman: You people are fucking retarded.

It’s primary day here in the DC area. Due to the fact that I am a registered independent and a convicted embezzler/animal sex offender, I’m not eligible to vote in any of these things. I tried to change my registration, but I was far too late to do so. But, if I were eligible, I would totally vote for this guy, Barack Obama. In fact, I even gave his campaign ten dollars, and I plan on happily voting for him in November. Now, I have political reasons for voting for Obama. I like him, I like his policies, I think he’s a great leader and all that shit.

But fuck all that for a moment. There’s another reason I want to vote for Obama, and it is this. Voting for Barack Obama gives me, a white person, a new and refreshing way to let people know that I am NOT a racist. For years, after making a terrible ethnic joke, I always tried to counter any accusations of racism with the tired excuse, “Hey, I’ve got black friends.”

First of all, this excuse has been beaten into the ground by too many white people (such as me) over the years. No one buys it anymore, and rightfully so. You’re just a boy crying black wolf if you say it. Second of all, I haven’t seen my one black friend in over a year. Which sucks, because my friend Turk (not his real name, nor does he call me JD) may know more about pornography than any man in history. The darkest friend I have after that is my friend Tony, and I only say he’s dark because he wears lots of black and is on lithium. The rest of my friends are whiter than a blank Word document.

So that excuse doesn’t wash any more for my lily-white preppy Bethesda ass. If I want to deflect any and all racial criticism, I’m gonna need something better. And that’s what this knight in shining chocolate armor gives me. How racist can I be if I actively contributed to and voted for a silky smooth black man to be leader of the free world? Answer: NOT RACIST AT ALL!

Did I complain about that fat black woman who was walking too slowly down the sidewalk, whom I could not get around? Sure did. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT. Do I know every line of “Blazing Saddles” by heart? Oh, yeah. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT. Does my sphincter tighten if I’m alone in a parking garage late at night after a movie and I see a black man approaching? Possibly. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT. Do I think that John Thompson may be legally retarded? Good God, yes. But I’m not racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT.

You see? With one pull of the lever, I’ve got a whole new excuse for all my minor prejudices and subconscious anxieties towards people who are different from me. And that buys me another decade or so to avoid confronting and trying to fix all those pesky inner flaws. Oh, the freedom tastes so sweet!

AND it gives me carte blanche to accuse OTHER white people of being racist, which is just about the most enjoyable thing in the world. Because, if you didn’t know it by now, the fact is that the most racially offensive thing to call a white person today is “racist”. “Honky” and “cracka” don’t bother them in the least. But call a white person the r-word? Holy shit, do they get upset. It’s terrific fun. Look at all those Massholes. They voted for that white Clinton bitch in the primary. WHAT A BUNCH OF FILTHY RACISTS! If only they had voted for Obama like me, then they would be extremely NOT racist. But they didn’t, so fuck those unenlightened, Klan-rallying racists.

I’m also hoping this vote gives me an opportunity to broaden my ethnic joke repertoire. Ever notice how Asian people treat other people as if they’re completely invisible? Or that some black grocery store clerks always need the key? Those are topics I’d really like to touch on. Not that I’m racist. I VOTED FOR OBAMA, GOD DAMMIT.

I tell you, playing this Obama card will work absolute wonders for us all. We’re about to enter a whole new world of acceptable ethnic humor, which I think will help unify us all. Can we make it happen? Well, if I may be so bold: YES WE CAN!

UPDATE: Some other asshole had this idea before I did. Well, fuck that guy. He’s a fucking racist.