Well, well, well. Look who just just fackin’ exawnerated far cheating by Rawjah fackin’ Goodell himself? BILLY BELICHICK AND THE REST OF AMERICA’S TEAM, THE FACKIN’ NEW ENGLAND PAYTREE-UHTS! That fackin’ pussy snitch Matty Wawlsh didn’t have any hahhhhhhhhd evidence that my boys cheated in any way, shape, or farm. Case fackin’ closed. PUT THAT IN YOUR TAPE RECARDER AND JERK AWFF TO IT!

I know you fackin’ faggot hatahs out they-ah hoped far a different result. I know you held out hope, against all hope, that the fackin’ Pats jugguhnut was just some kind of illusion. But it’s nawt, you fackin’ losahs! Our collective dawminance was just as real as this Tazmanian Devil tattoo on my bicep. Look at fackin’ Taz! He’s fackin crazy, just like the fackin’ Tawmstah!

Anyway, now that The Genius and my beloved fackin’ Paytree-uts have been clee-uhed of all chaaaaaaaaahges, it’s time to collect some gawddamn restitution. That’s right! You fackin’ people owe the entiah Celtics Nation an Apawlogy.

And $3,000 trillion in punitive damages.

I don’t think you fackin’ faggots could possibly cawmprehend the terrible haaaaahtache this SpyGate case has caused, both to myself and the greater Massachusetts pawpulation. We have fackin’ suffahed a grave injustice, and now we demand to be paid far it! Now, I know you dahkies out there like to piss and moan all day long about how you deserve reparations. Maybe you fackin’ dahkies should try lookin’ far a job instead! My buddy Neil needs a busboy over at his pub/tanning salawn.

But those blackies don’t deserve any reparations. It was they-ah ancestahs that suffered. BUT WE PATS FANS AH SUFFERING NOW! This was REAL pain, inflicted by malicious hatahs! Don’t try comparin’ that to some sob stary about yah great great aunt being sold awn the open mahhhhhket! That’s unfay-uh!!

Furth-ah-mor-ah, I demand that the final scar of Super Bowl Farty Two be over-fackin’turned. That’s right! WE were not the ones who cheated! By accusing us of cheating, EVERYONE ELSE gained an unfay-uh psychomological advantage! That’s REAL cheating!

This entiah cawtroversy took an unimaginable toll on Tawmmy Brady, Tedi fackin’ Bruschi, and the rest of ow-ah heroes! You don’t think they wouldn’t have plowed the Giants like a Puerto Rican schoolgarl if they didn’t have that shit hangin’ over they-ah heads?! Such was they-ah despay-uh, that even the legendary rooting pow-ah of the great Baston faithful could not override it. And I think you know just how unlikely that is!

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! THE PATS EASILY WON THAT GAME IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE BY SIXTY FACKING POINTS, YOU FACKS!

So I want that game overturned. And I want my money. I told my garlfriend I’d take hah to Cancun. BUT I WANNA DUMP HAH AND PAAAAHTY WITH SOME NARTHEASTERN U. TAIL INSTEAD!!!!

This has been a very hahhhd time for the great people of Celtics Nation. We have been terribly wronged. And now ow-ah great Celtics are being screwed out of a Cawnference Finals berth, depriving us awl of the Lakahs-Celts Finals that everyone in America wants WITHOUT A SINGLE EXCEPTION OF ANY FACKIN’ KIND.

All because of the refs and that facking LeBrawn dahkie. Everything thinks he’s so great. BUT HE DOESN’T HAVE KEVIN FACKIN’ MCHALE’S EYE-UHN WILL! McHale would have knawcked that big dumb dahkie right on his ass! Then the Gahhhhden faithful would have let him have it! You think LeBrawn would be tough enough to handle that?! I THINK NOT!

LeBrawn’s not so fackin’ tough! “Oh no, that guy fouled me too haaaahd! I got a booboo! Oh no! Someone put me in a choke hold!” Sack it up, BrawnBrawn. Your mama should be well acquainted with police choke holds by now!

You clearly lack the steely resolve and determination of Tawmmy Brady and Celtics Nation. NO ONE’S FACKING TOUGHER THAN US!

So please, pay us our punitive damages. We were-ah really hurt by all this.