NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted.

TITAN

The Titan you’re voting on is Phoebe, Titan of the moon. Lame. According to myth, she gave birth to Leto. I’m assuming that means Jared Leto, who’s a total douche. Look at this fatty.

Way to gain 5,000 lbs. for a shitty Mark David Chapman biopic, asshead. I guess Leto is a Method Douche. He received classical training in douchebaggery from Lee Strasberg himself.

BEAR

The Bear you’re voting on is famed Marvel comic mutant Ursa Major. By day. Mikhail Ursus is your garden variety Soviet Super-Soldier. But by night, he’s a goddamn BEAR! With claws and fangs and all that shit! He grew up in the wild, so he knows the terrain! Also, according to Wikipedia:

In the space of a few seconds, Ursa Major can, at will, turn himself into a bear-like creature, larger and more anthropomorphic than an ordinary ursine. In this form he possesses super-strength and animal-like senses while retaining his human intelligence and speech, although his behavior and personality become more beast-like.

Take that, Ant Man! Fag!

Bizarre side note: I used to have all the Marvel Universe comics when I was a kid. Those were the comic books that listed all the Marvel characters in alphabetical order and detailed their history and all their abilities. I loved checking them out, but I hated ACTUAL comic books. I liked reading about all the awesome shit Marvel heroes could do, but I was bored out of my fucking mind seeing them in action. Go figure.

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting in this contest is closed. The Titan won with 66 percent of the vote.

TITAN

Strengths:
-Big
-One of Saturn’s most noticeable moons. It has lakes of methane! Just like my toilet after a bowl of lentil soup!
-Poop the size of a goddamn battleship
-Sometimes goes by cool nickname “Big T”
-Clears out a Pizza Hut lunch buffet like no one’s business
-Knows an excellent preparation for Blackened Child

Weaknesses:
-Greek. Filthy.
-Hogs all the fried calamari to himself
-Come on, man. You’re gonna vote for the odds-on favorite? BO-RING
-Cronus lookin’ a little long in the tooth there
-Eats the baby’s heart first when everyone knows the brain is the best part
-Needs entire Alaskan glacier to relieve hemorrhoid pain
-Judging by this painting, doesn’t exactly look all that big. I expected a titan to be bigger than Bill fucking Walton. I think it’s because Europeans is so goddamn tiny, especially Europeans back then. “OOOH! Look at that six foot tall man! He’s a TITAN! Sacre bleu!”

Entrance Music:
“Big Poppa”

GIANT

Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-Knows the distinct odor of an Englishman
-Makes a grand entrance at any gala event
-Wouldn’t you love to see a giant man fight a giant monkey, like King Kong vs. Paul Bunyan? God, I’d love that

Weaknesses:
-Slingshot
-Wiseacre rabbits

Entrance Music:
“Big Guns,” Skid Row (“She got the BIG GUNS! Pointin’ at my heart! BANG BANG SHOOTIN’ LIKE A FIRIN’ SQUAD!”)

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

We’ve already had one upset here in the Regional Finals of the KSK Real Mascot Kill Kill Kill Invitational. Can the pesky Bengal tiger put the underdogs at 2-for-2? Or will the mighty lion assert his dominance? Judging by the above video, he’s a cutter and runner! We go right to the pros and cons and ask you, the fan, who would win in a fight… to the death! Indeed, QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed on this contest. The Bengal won with 63 percent of the vote.

LION

Strengths:
-King of the jungle
-Just a gangsta stalkin’
-Living life like a firecracka, quick is his fuse
-Makes the woman lion do all the work. Good stuff
-Teeth
-Claws
-Night vision

Weaknesses:
-Mufassssa!
-Cowardly
-Needs couwage. COUWAGE!
-No heart
-What’s with the mane, Simba? Are you such a pussy that a light breeze necessitates a permanent shrug made from your own hair?
-Whiskers
-Wait! Waaaait! He never had a chance to love you!
-Always asleep behind a fucking bush during daylight hours at the zoo when I paid good money to watch him feast upon a fresh elephant carcass
-Guitarist Vito Bratta more interested in dazzling technique than good songcraft
-Gets all whiney when the children cry. One united world under God? What a douche.
-Nittany lion? Gay.
-When I was a kid, I used to go to a video store run by a creepy dude named Lion who had the WORST fucking recommendations for movies. He was always saying shit like, “Hey, have you seen ‘That Old Feeling,’ with Bette Midler and Dennis Farina? Hoo hoo. What a movie. I mean it. What. A. Movie.”

Entrance Music:
“Gold Lion,” Yeah Yeah Yeahs

BENGAL

Strengths:
-Claws
-Teeth
-GREEEEEEEEAT!!!!!
-Makes totally awesome imaginary friend
-Staying in one of those hotel on stilts in Nepal where the tigers are roaming around underneath? Dude, they totally know you’re up there.
-Tiger! Tiger!
-Burning bright
-In the forests of the night
-What immortal hand or eye
-Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
-Excellent golfer despite bizarre Cablinasian ancestry
-Handles Siberian winter with good cheer
-Stripes make great camoflauge. Where’s the tiger? Where’s the tiger? CHOMP! You’re fucked

Weaknesses:
-Couldn’t finish Roy off
-Forgot to maim Siegfried
-Frosted Flakes get soggy in milk after 4 seconds
-Often confused with taiga, type of barren land dominated by conifers
-Orange color caused by hideous spray-on tan job from Charlize Theron’s stylist
-Ragged Tiger joined forces with Seven to help create subpar Druan Duran album
-Overexposed as college mascot
-That Tigger sure is one lazy tigger

Entrance Music:
IT’S THE EYE OF THE TIIIIIIIIIGER!

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted.

TITAN

Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-God
-Begat other Gods
-Swallows own children
-Can produce ocean nymph in a relative snap
-Titan Rhea always quick with a one-liner when in the vicinity of drunken, lonely, know-it-all mailman
-Titan Atlas very good with directions to Shreveport

Weaknesses:
-Tough to fight with child’s arm stuck in mouth
-Goya interpretation leaves much to be desired. Not liking that shading
-Bony
-Cut yer hair, you goddamn Greek hippie
-Bug eyes suggest possible ancestor of Jennifer Wilbanks
-Possibly chained to rock, with eagle tearing at liver. Not fun
-Huh huh… Uranus
-Titan Phoebe easily the most annoying Titan hanging out at Central Perk
-Titan Hyperion published Candace Bushnell books. Fuck her, man
-Dude, this queer defeated you? Weak
-Atlas carrying quite a load there

Entrance Music:
“Gods of War,” Def Leppard

BILL

Strengths:
-Gun
-May have killed a Southerner or two
-Kinda looks like Robert Altman
-We’re assuming he’s ALIVE here, people
-Assisted in ridding cluttered American landscape of unsightly buffalo
-Did he fight at the Alamo? Let’s just assume he did.
-…….used to
-…….ride a watersmooth-silver
-………………….stallion
-and break onetwothreefourfive pigeonsjustlike that
-……………………………Jesus
-he was a handsome man
-………….and what i want to know is
-how do you like your blueeyed boy
-Mister Death

Weaknesses:
-Once worked as a “bullwhacker,” which is probably exactly what you think it is
-Mother’s maiden name was Laycock. What a whore.
-Pushed for the rights of Native Americans and women. What a bleeding heart!
-Nasty chaw habit

Entrance Music:
“One,” U2

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted.

GIANT

Strengths:
-Big
-Strong
-Jolly
-Hung like a redwood
-Deep green complexion may indicate that he’s powered by photosynthesis
-Could totally beat the fuck out of that old Bird’s Eye dude
-Convenient frozen mixed vegetables make for a lovely stir-fry when you’re in a pinch
-Keeps body well-toned using vigorous, population-crushing core exercises
-Deep friendship with half-brother Hagrid
-Adept at throwing castles
-If you need to reach the flour on the top shelf, he’s your man
-Can grow entire civilization inside footprint

Weaknesses:
-Jack
-Angry villagers with lots of rope and a good idea of when he may be napping in a valley
-HO HO HO is Santa’s line, you fucking dick
-Vision potentially obscured by low-hanging cloud
-Takes YEARS to put on sunscreen
-Can never find a private setting to evacuate bowels
-Driving? Forget about it.
-Leafy toga minidress makes me feel sexually uncomfortable
-Kinda gay
-Too large to be able to surf
-No blue ox?
-Pretty darn clumsy, if you believe the average Grimm fairy tale

Entrance Music:
“Big Me,” Foo Fighters

BROWN

Strengths:
-7-time world champion
-4-time Coach of the Year
-Cool hat
-Handsome profile
-Possibly made of stone
-Wily
-Crusty
-Savvy
-Constantly demanding excellence from players who just want some goddamn water

Weaknesses:
-Old
-Ohioan
-Not a Giant
-Unarmed
-Trenchcoat a touch constrictive
-Unwilling to loosen tie
-Very rigid, which means he could break easily

Entrance Music:
“Discipline,” Slayer

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed. The Falcon won with 55 percent of the vote.

FALCON

Strengths:
-Sharp talons!
-Beak!
-Can fly!
-Superior vision!
-Delicious regurgitate!

Weaknesses:
-Is it supposed to be pronounced FAWL-kun? Annoying.
-Sam Spade told me it’s a fake! A fake, I tells ya!
-Needs one of those adorable little leather bird helmets
-Not so tough if pitted against a smattering of buckshot
-Not particularly edible
-Possible relative of Footsteps Falco

Entrance Music:
“Rock Me Amadeus”

SEAHAWK

Strengths:
-Sharp talons!
-Beak!
-Can fly!
-Superior vision!
-Delicious regurgitate!
-Never pretended to know something about Matt Ufford because they saw a picture online! Also never asked him for money!

Weaknesses:
-Lamprey > Osprey
-Looks kinda arrogant up there, if you ask me
-Large hooked nose means he’s probably devious with money
-Get feathers ruffled if you ruffle his feathers
-Always out to sea, and you know what that means: gayer than a fire engine

Entrance Music:
“Overblown,” Mudhoney

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed. The Jet won with 74 percent of the vote.

JET

Strengths:
-Large
-Made of metal
-Typical cruising speed of 555mph
-6,190 cubic feet of cargo space (but for God’s sake, NO NAIL CLIPPERS!)
-195-ft wingspan. Described by many scouts as having great length
-Twin Cuisinart turbine engines come equipped with three speeds for preparing birds: Chop, Puree, And Liquefy
-Maximum range of 7,900 statute miles (yet they insist on flying long distances only in very large, impractical arches, instead of simply in a straight line. Flying over GREENLAND to reach London? That’s kooky.)
-Your choice of free beverage mid-flight
-Manned by hopefully sober pilot who gets 23 days off every month

Weaknesses:
-Unarmed
-Still not really sure how something that heavy remains airborne for any prolonged length of time
-Never enough room in overhead bin
-Easily taken down and/or redirected by stoic Yemeni man armed only with basic packaging equipment
-Not in first class? You’re fucked.
-In-flight movie “Enchanted” whimsical, but not really substantive
-Ever take a really long flight at night and are unable to fall alseep? Christ, it’s depressing
-Gets its shit ruined by a little wind
-Made by Boeing, possibly missing vital valves and/or landing gear
-That fucking beverage cart
-Never enough room for comfortable knee spreading while on airplane can
-Seat ventilation system blasts single jet of frigid arctic oxygen at hair at 900 mph
-Inevitably 90 minutes late to matchup

Entrance Music:
“Aeroplane,” Red Hot Chili Peppers

CARDINAL

Strengths:
-+1 Pecking ability
-Will be adored by Will Leitch no matter where it migrates
-Small enough to fit comfortably inside myriad engine flywheels
-Bold red color could possibly scare enemy away. Maybe not
-Rabid ornithological fan base ready to stop any activity at the drop of a hat when in its vicinity (My dad: “Andrew! Andrew! Drop that cocktail! There’s a cardinal out the window!!!!”)
-Has the brains to leave Northeast after October
-Adept at splitting open acorns and various tree nuts
-8-inch wingpsan makes it especially imposing to ants and dandelions
-Vicious tweet could potentially awaken enemy earlier than desired
-Tiny bones make him unattractive to predators who don’t like to work for a meal

Weaknesses:
-Small
-Gay
-Unarmed
-Seriously, this thing is dead fucking meat

Entrance Music:
“I’m Like A Bird,” Nelly Furtado

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

NOTE: The poll is at the top of the sidebar to the right. Voting for each contest is open until the end of the day that it’s posted. Voting is closed on this contest. The Viking won with 79 percent of the vote.

VIKING

Strengths:
-Experienced in forcible entry
-Large axe makes cleaving limbs a relative snap
-Able to set multiple huts aflame with one torch
-Skilled navigator
-Able to get large groups of men to row in unison
-Odin tied with Asmodeus for highest rating in Dungeons and Dragons “Dieties and Demigods” Handbook
-Cool beard
-Crude outfit of baby seal and baby human pelts keeps body warm

Weaknesses:
-Once portrayed by Tim Robbins
-Poor cartographer
-Again with the fucking braids
-May be named Leif
-Representative of my favorite team, which means you will almost certainly vote against him just to piss me off
-That “Pathfinder” movie was total dogshit. Step it up, Karl Urban
-“Rainbow Road” to Valhalla kinda queer
-Travel to Scandanavia so terribly expensive these days

Entrance Music:
“Immigrant Song”

49ER

Strengths:
-Pickaxe
-Unstoppable when he knows gold be near. GOLD, I TELLS YA! GOOOOOOLD!!!!
-Grizzled
-Lived in Bay Area before it got all “gayed up”, likely has never had to befriend lesbian chef couple living next door
-Unafraid of losing two remaining teeth
-Able to transmit any number of then-fatal contagious gastrointestinal diseases to opponent, including smallpox
-Antecedent to the hobo, likely knows rudimentary “Hobo Magic”
-Draws energy from delicious pregame meal of raw wolverine innards with side of “branch stew”
-Feet exceedingly well calloused

Weaknesses:
-Under current US laws, only legally allowed to pan for gold at Knott’s Berry Farm
-Beard in dire need of trim
-Old; frail
-May have polio
-Excessive dry skin will crack and bleed at any kind of joint movement
-Can’t hear you. SPEAK UP, SONNY BOY!

Entrance Music:
Soundtrack from any Ken Burns Documentary

Voting closes at the end of the day. Let the battle begin. ENTER THE OCTAGON!

But here we are, one year later, and the choice is no longer quite so clear. These are two really fucking annoying teams, largely because they win a lot and my team does not. There’s only one way to figure out who to root for on Sunday. And that’s to bust out the Pro and Con lists for a special mini-edition of…

Quien Es Mas Macho: Dungy O Belichick?

Tony Dungy

Pros:
-Nice guy
-Super Bowl champ
-Muy macho
-Best-selling author to sucker Christian readers who’ll buy anything Pastor Walton commands them to
-Supposedly classy, which almost makes me think he’s a closet sexual deviant, which would be cool
-Aerodynamic, pyramid-shaped head
-Goofy ears allow him to hear Rob Morris farting from the 30-yard-line
-Found Randy Moss’ moon mime in Green Bay funny
-Only black man in America who wears pleated Dockers
-Black, but not black enough to be threatening to pasty white sports journalists, who are positively terrified of Mike Tomlin

Cons:
-Mustache lacks thickness of Reid’s, wispiness of porn star’s
-Came out against hot interracial Owens-on-Sheridan shower banging
-Not a Jake Gyllenhaal fan
-Closeted afficionado of Corn Nuts
-Like Flanders, refuses to buy insurance because he views it as gambling
-Extreme kindness and piety just a cover for the fact that he murdered a hitchhiker back in ‘81.

Bill Belichick

Pros:

Cons:
-Asshole
-Seriously, the guy is a fucking asshole
-Refuses to hire Jennifer Beals as sleeve-cutting consultant
-Showers less frequently than Christopher McCandless did or currently does
-Would strangle your wife if it meant getting useful info for his practice squad, and would enjoy it
-Has broken more arms during intercourse than Rocco Siffredi
-Has raped Brady while quarterback was asleep
-Hates you and your family
-Hates God
-Hates the world
-But loves craisins. Adores them

Two manly men, but they’re no Jack Lord. Personally, I think the Pats win by two touchdowns or more. But what about you? What do you think? QUIEN ES MAS MACHO?!

Oh, and a majority of the contestants suck. That tends to hurt its appeal. Unless, of course, you’re a 12-year-old girl. Ah, those eternal barometers of shitty musical taste. Who else but 12-year-old girls could give the world such musical abortions as David Cassidy, Jordan Knight, Vanilla Ice, Ashlee Simpson, and Bono? Well, those little harlots have really outdone themselves this time. Their new favorite eardrum rapist? Guhhhhhhh…

Sanjaya Malakar. If you ever thought to yourself, “Damn, I wish Jermaine Stewart had been a bigger star,” well you’re in luck. I’m not even sure Sanjaya is human. It’s like he was manufactured by Mattel after years of extensive focus grouping. Why, he even sings out of tune, just like you! Sanjaya is a triumph of style and manufactured hype over actual usefulness.

And, in that sense, he’s just like Notre Dame QB Brady Quinn.

I’ve watched the NFL Draft every year for God knows how long, and it’s clear to me, more than ever, that NFL teams and prognosticators feel the need to arbitrarily assign one or two quarterbacks to the top five of the draft for no good reason. It’s like they all collectively get together and say, “Wait a second, the top of this draft needs QB’s! Let’s draw two names out of this top hat!” I once heard that, when Alex Smith and David Carr were drafted in the top slot, the words “Fuck it” were also written on the draft card.

Now, this wasn’t the case last year. Vince Young and Matt Leinart were exceptions to the rule. Yet Leinart dropped to 10th, almost as if to be punished for actually being a good prospect. I don’t feel like Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell are in the league of those two, yet both are almost certain to be drafted in the Top 5, if not the Top 3. Why? Fuck if I know. It wasn’t until after the season that people even spoke of Russell as a prospect for the top pick. It’s a conspiracy, I tell you.

Quinn’s presence at the top of the draft is particularly vexing. Like Sanjaya, he seems more a product of people WANTING him to succeed rather than having to skills to succeed on his own. He’s also queer. Perhaps a comparison is in order. Or, perhaps, it’s time to resurrect our long dormant “Quien Es Mas Macho?” series to determine just who is the lesser of two fakes. And so, we break out the pros and cons lists to find out…

Quien Es Mas Macho?! Sanjaya O Quinn?

Pros:
-Beautiful veneers
-Exotic background gets him points for diversity, even though in spirit he’s whiter than a glacier
-Flawlessly groomed eyebrows
-Smile, while creepy and insincere to adults, is black tar heroin to prepubescent idiots
-Versatile hair! Take that Simon, with your inexplicable 1950’s Coast Guard flattop
-His sister? You’d hit it.
-High-pitched voice attracts nearby dolphins
-Will make a smashing Grand Marshall in the Greenwich Village Halloween Parade

Cons:
-No muy macha
-Fucking awful
-Is only 17, cannot buy his fans the Parliaments they so desperately want
-Completely lacking in cynicism and seems to be genuinely enjoying the competition. Americans hate that shit.
-There may be duplicates of him
-Potential of him winning threatens the *snicker* integrity of “American Idol”.
-Gays are trying to break out of that whole “flaming queen” stereotype. You aren’t helping progress, Fruit Loop

Brady Quinn

Pros:
-Mildly strong arm!
-White!
-Non-threatening!
-Went to Catholic school!
-Loved by uptight New Jerseyians!
-Beat Navy!
-People know who he is!
-Played for Charlie Weis, just like Rohan Davey!
-Un poco macho, if you don’t look at the above picture
-Can plow an entire acre of sorghum with front teeth
-Looks great doing draft telecast lead-ins! Can spin a football on his finger!
-Adorable moptop hair conveys a playful spirit
-Not afraid to break the NFL’s “lover of cock” barrier

Cons:
-Sucks
-Sucks balls
-Will cost you a $25 million signing bonus to suck balls for your team
-Has the potential to increase suicide rates in Cleveland even further
-His sister? You’d hitch it.
-Needs to work on throwing motion while in fetal position while playing Michigan or other decent opponent
-Stands out as a QB in absolutely no way

A tough matchup. But in the end, we have to choose the machoest man, and that man is…