Loose emu runs wild in the Carolinas. “The bird ran around more than 10 square blocks south of East Main Street and Black Street, dodging into back yards, jumping fences and avoiding tackles, until 70-year-old Bobby Mangrum was able to corral the bird using a fishing net.” Jimmy Clausen is said to be resting comfortably following his ordeal. [Herald Online]

O WE GON DRANK. CHUH CHUH. Word on the skreets is that Pacman Jones — Adam if you’re nasty — will sign with the Cincinnati Bengals. “This is great news,” said everyone who has jokes left over from 2007 rotting in their fridge.

Be sure to watch tonight’s “Around the Horn” for the freshest takes on this hilarious development.

Jim Schwartz is very excited about his new rookie running back. “Some people watch adult videos on their computer. I go to YouTube and watch Jahvid Best highlight clips. That’s what gets me aroused.” That and “Teddy Graham people.” [Free Press via Detroit 4 Lyfe]

Via Rich Eisen’s twitter, we see where Roger Goodell’s face is going to be all night.

Brandon Marshall’s gonna get (over)paid. The Miami Dolphins acquired wide receiver Brandon Marshall via trade while you were sleeping. The Broncos will receive a pair of second round picks in exchange, one at this month’s draft and one in 2011. Bill Parcells and his stable of multi-platinum bosses are reportedly wasting little time in locking up their new weapon. Quoth the Herald, “Marshall’s deal will average at least $10 million per season and also could include guaranteed monies exceeding $30 million.” [via SB Nation]

And now a word from our partners. If you can handle a brief departure from the subject of the NFL, please check out Ten Things That Warrant an Ass-Kicking, by Vince of FilmDrunk. Personally, I’d like to add “Wearing a Brett Favre jersey” to the list. Especially if that person is Brett Favre.

Terrell Owens is looking fierce, yall.

[ TMZ via The 700 Level ]

Eli’s batting average rose precipitously after Olivia reminded him that he’s right-handed. SI has compiled a gallery of Manning family photos to keep us amused during the interminable lead-up to the Super Bowl. Eli At the Bat is probably my favorite, but there are a few other gems including Wet Willy, Peyton the Yankee, and Dear God, Don’t Look Under the Mattress! Peruse the rest at your leisure. [SI via Scott]

It could use one, anyway.

SITE NEWS: MAILBAG TOMORROW MORNING. Apologies for those of you who, like Rain Man with Wapner, need the mailbag on Thursday afternoons. As recompense, please enjoy this picture of Scarlett Johansson (click for full size). I like it because it looks like she’s doing a Tyrannosaurus Rex impression, and the idea of her pretending to be a dinosaur is really endearing to me. Maybe she’ll do it if I ask nicely. And unlock the handcuffs.