TOM BRADY IS HEP TO ALL THE HAPPENIN’ THREADS As we discovered yesterday in the weekly column by Tom Brady’s publicist, Peter King, the Dreamboat recently changed his endorsement deal from Nike to Under Armour. Was it because UA offered him a f*ckton of money and tons of shares in the company? No way, Tom Brady is just committed to what’s real on the streets.

“It’s what so many of the kids are wearing, and I like to try to stay cutting-edge.”

Word life. While all you lamers still think No Fear and Big Dogs shirts are the flavor of the week, Tom Brady knows better. He’s five minutes ahead of the latest trends. Brady knows no self-respecting kid steps out of the house without the most moisture wickingest shit they got. In other news, JET Moynahan just received an entire wardrobe of Nike onesies.

How Not to Be in a Fantasy Football League. I’m putting the finishing touches on the Sex/Fantasy Football Mailbag at the moment. While you wait, enjoy this epic tale of grown men acting like bitches. [Boston.com]

JUNIOR SEAU TO EXPLORE XTREME FRINGE SPORT OF VEHICLE CLIFF DIVING ON NEW VERSUS SHOW That wasn’t a very punchy headline for the news of Junior Seau driving off a cliff in California after being arrested for domestic abuse, but at least it doesn’t include a lame pun playing on his last name. SAY WOW, THAT’S GREAT JOKE WRITING. Personally, I think he was just taking a stand against helmet-to-helmet hits in the NFL. Because his car represents a helmet and the beach represents another. After you get hit in the head enough, this makes a lot more sense.

Sorry, lady, but Nacho prefers to be the aggressor. “Following the blowout over the Bills on Sunday, the star QB was enjoying a celebratory meal at Abe & Arthur’s with teammates Braylon Edwards and Dustin Keller, when a woman sidled up uninvited from another table and sat down. “The players were nice at first and chatted with her,” said our spy. “But the woman inched closer and closer to a very reluctant and uncomfortable-looking Sanchez.” In other news, Kellen Clemens couldn’t get laid at an orgy. [New York Post]

HEY YOU, READ THIS. Looking for more fantasy advice after reading the mailbag? Fear not, Burnsy tells you how to dominate your fantasy league in ten easy steps. HINT: have sex with the wives of your league-mates.

LenDale needs to bulk up. “RB LenDale White is in such good shape that he may actually need to gain weight before the season. He’s at 219 pounds, and plans to play at about 228.” Further reports indicate that Pete Carroll has put LenDale on a strict diet of Ripped Fuel and Patron XO Cafe. I’m told it’s delicious and quite lethal. [Seattle Times]

Are you not outraged? The Buffalo News is reporting that the mystery Redskin linked to suspected Canadian Dr. Anthony Galea is none other than Santana Moss. Now I’m obviously biased, but I don’t really give a damn. And you know who agrees with me? This lemur. [WaPo]

“I demand a recount!” Peter King got his wish (but no, it wasn’t all his doing) and the AP decided to hold a new vote for the Defensive Rookie of the Year Award. The results are in, and your NEW 2009 AP DROY is… Brian Cushing! I’m glad we cleared that up. Of course now Peter is disappointed because Cushing got to the award “twice.” Next year let’s just allow him pick the winner from the beginning. At least then he’ll shut the f*ck up about it. [USA Today]

Update: Mike Florio is calling for Cushing to decline the award. Of course he is. It’s not as if there’s anything else to talk about today. Oh, did you hear that Matt Leinart and Vince Young are now represented by the same super agency? Not even Leinart can pretend to care.

Loose emu runs wild in the Carolinas. “The bird ran around more than 10 square blocks south of East Main Street and Black Street, dodging into back yards, jumping fences and avoiding tackles, until 70-year-old Bobby Mangrum was able to corral the bird using a fishing net.” Jimmy Clausen is said to be resting comfortably following his ordeal. [Herald Online]

O WE GON DRANK. CHUH CHUH. Word on the skreets is that Pacman Jones — Adam if you’re nasty — will sign with the Cincinnati Bengals. “This is great news,” said everyone who has jokes left over from 2007 rotting in their fridge.

Be sure to watch tonight’s “Around the Horn” for the freshest takes on this hilarious development.