Don’t mind me — just posting this GIF of my new favorite player Maurice Jones-Drew dismissively wanking so the world can have it forever.

(thanks to Danger Guerrero for sharing)

“There’s nothing else to do, Sal.” That’s part of the rationale Ray Lewis uses to explain to ESPN’s SalPal why the nation’s crime levels will surge in the event of a continued lockout. And if anyone should know it’s Ray. After all, his friends never would have killed that guy* if they hadn’t been so broken up about NBC cancelling The Mike O’Malley Show after two episodes. America needed that show. [ESPN]

*Just kidding, they were totally acquitted.

Oh, blessed day. The lone beacon of light between the Super Bowl and training camps. Join us tonight, won’t you, for an NFL Draft live blog. The action starts here at 7:45 p.m. Eastern. Bring booze and your deep-seated hatred of ESPN’s bloviating dickwads.

Well well well, look at Mr. Big Time. Check out a collection of outtakes from ESPN’s oral history, Drew’s most recent contribution to GQ. I heard he was paid entirely in salmon-colored polo shirts.

Good fences make good neighbors. Donovan McNabb’s beloved fence was attacked by a hit-and-run driver who probably wasn’t Kyle Shanahan but totally could have been. Reserve lineman Stephon “Mending Wall” Heyer will serve in place of the fence until a permanent replacement can be found.

[Bog, Image via WaPo]

Some team is going to draft Jake Locker in the first round. The quarterback “dazzled” at the University of Washington’s pro day, completing 38 out of 40 scripted pass plays. That will probably be enough to make at least one front office forget about his crappy completion percentage long enough to make him some team’s quarterback of the future. And really, who cares if he only completed five passes in the Huskies Holiday Bowl loss win. LOOKIT THE GUNZ!

[ via The Clearly Dope ]

Don’t be embarrassed just because you got caught rockin’ out to a cheesy song…

I thought the media had covered Redskins owner Dan Snyder’s idiocy adequately, but after viewing the latest work from Taiwan’s Next Media Animation, I learned a few things. Namely:

1) Jeff George was actually a remote-controlled robot.
2) Some guy died from exposure to Snyder’s radioactive nuts.
3) Fobby stereotypes are wrong.
4) Snyder got schooled by a commie panda lawyer.
5) Animated news anchors aren’t shy about dropping some cleavage.

DAWWW SON OF A BITCH. For people expecting the mailbag: please be patient. Due to other writing projects I had to tackle, the mailbag has been delayed. Expect it this evening. I apologize for the inconvenience and will flay myself as soon as I finish writing.