Kissing Suzy Kolber » quick hits

Monday Morning Punter — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:30:44 +0000

NO DICK, WE’RE NOT HIRING. Dick Jauron was fired by the Buffalo Bills yesterday. And yet Charlie Weis is free to graze around South Bend without so much as a cattle prod. Too bad for Jauron; his teams always seemed so well-prepared. And they had such depth. And they routinely play in such pleasant conditions. the monolith.

Unsilent Majority — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 14:53:03 +0000

She’s gone from suck to blow. Graphic designer Ken Carbone picked out the NFL’s three worst helmets (Pats, Bucs, Redskins) and crafted some truly ~~inspired~~ insipid redesigns. His vision for the Redskins is meant to resemble a Native American’s headdress, but really it looks like the current helmet died and sprouted wings. Now if the Redskins were to abandon their current look–which wouldn’t be the worst idea–I would hope that they’d draw inspiration from some of the better designs of their past, rather than their worst. [Fast Company via Kottke]

Monday Morning Punter — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:45:32 +0000

SUICIDE POOL UPDATE: 244 people are still perfect through eight weeks; that’s about 18 percent of our original suicide poolers. And yeah, there’s a better-than-average chance that there will be more than one competitor standing when we run out of regular-season games. If that happens, we’ll probably just hold a random draw for prizes, which will include a signed copy of Ape’s book, some awesomely low-tech football game, and other stuff. You can view the pool here, and we’ll have another update when the herd starts to thin out a bit more.

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:11:50 +0000

“My dad would have known I didn’t mean to offend anybody.” The Kansas City Chiefs have told running back Larry Johnson to sit out the next few plays following his embarrassing Twitter meltdown on Sunday night. [KC Star]

UPDATE: The Chiefs are releasing Larry Johnson. [RealGM via SB Nation]

Image via The Sporting Blog

Captain Caveman — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 18:28:39 +0000

And now, answers to the Peter King crossword puzzle:

ACROSS

3. Most humane train (ACELA)
5. You should respect it (SUN)
10. Land baron (FAVRE)
12. Johnny Damon lookalike (MARKSANCHEZ)
13. Criminally melted candy (KITKAT)
16. Extraneous urban asset (CAR)
17. The perfect save (VOICEMAIL)
18. Alarming new fashion trend 9UGGS)
19. Disturbing trend on I-95 (TRAFFIC)

DOWN

1. No room at the Inn? (WESTIN)
2. Led NFL in smiles during 2008 season (TONYROMO)
4. Unknowable science (CHEMISTRY)
6. Crime committed by film companies (EXTORTION)
7. Favre? (FAVRE)
8. Chain restaurant with coffee-flavored water (JILLIANS)
9. Ohio home of Toone P. Wiggins (SIDNEY)
11. Two wonderful? (JETER)
14. Moniker for SI scribe Banks (BRASCO)
15. Pre-ferred prefix (SEMI)
16. Car part, defined (CLUTCH)

Unsilent Majority — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 16:47:16 +0000

Snyder incapable of hiring coach or GM, might allow beloved old man to do it for him. The latest rumor surrounding the woebegone Redskins is that Dan Snyder could bring Joe Gibbs back to oversee the franchise a la Bill Parcells in Miami. The biggest difference between the two is that Parcells has always been singularly focused on the NFL whereas Gibbs spends his time running a NASCAR team and spreading the word of Christ. Noble endeavors no doubt, but the fact remains that Gibbs isn’t really in tune with the goings on around the league. After all, this is the same guy who reacted to Snyder’s enthusiasm regarding Jim Zorn as a head coaching candidate by declaring, “That’s neat.” FML. [PFT]

Update: ESPN 980 reports that a Gibbs return is unlikely.

Won’t You Help to Sing/These Songs of Freedom/’Cause All I Ever Have/Redemption Skits

Christmas Ape — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 19:00:58 +0000

Rob, the Giants fan who transmogrified from regular sweatshirted lumpy guy to a weepy pathetic slimy mess following his team’s loss to the Eagles in divisional playoffs last year, gets a chance at some web redemption tomorrow night courtesy of tosh.0. Just remember Comedy Central producers, WE HAD HIS PATHETIC DISPLAY OF SNIVELING BLUBBERY BLUBBERING FIRST! WE DEMAND AT MINIMUM ONE SCREEN CAP FROM THE BLOG ON THE SHOW! OR EVEN THE CHANCE TO WRITE A PILOT FOR THE NETWORK THAT DESPERATELY TRIES TO COPY THE EDGINESS AND RACIAL HUMOR OF CHAPPELLE’S SHOW AND FAILS MISERABLY! WE’RE UP TO THE TASK!

Eagles no match for pigeon

flubby — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 13:47:01 +0000

To the surprise of no one, the Raiders were triumphant in their Super Bowl XV rematch against the Philadelphia yesterday. What was surprising was the Raiders twelfth man on special teams. WOOOO RAIDERS! SUCK IT, IGGLES! Look at that bird go. SUCK IT! WOOOOO! I wonder if it can play quarterback too? S & B BABY! SUCK IT, PHILLY! WOO-WOO!!!

[ via SbB ]

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 13:47:05 +0000

Jets acquire Braylon Edwards. The New York Jets have completed a trade for Cleveland’s Braylon Edwards. When reached for comment Jets coach Rex Ryan said, “I heard he punched out that little fella for being friends with the LeBron fella. That takes MOXIE!” [ESPN]

Also: Michael Crabtree ended his holdout. Everything he knows about negotiations he learned from Wikipedia. [Mercury News]

Future News: Jim Zorn fired as head coach of the Washington Redskins. Greg Blatche named interim head coach, Sherm Smith moves to offensive coordinator. [DC Sports Bog]

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:00:22 +0000

Everyone needs a little smut in their lives. Unless of course you happen to think that stuff will make you gay. For the rest of you, consider this a reminder to send in submissions for this week’s Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag. Do you want to know how to gain the forgiveness of a sexual partner whom you chided for being too easy? Well we already have a question about that (seriously), so think of something else between now and tomorrow morning. Remember, the ‘bag doesn’t put itself together, so try to get your submissions to us in a timely manner.

Image via Cleavage Lover