We’re fresh off a weekend in which the best football tidbits were Marvin Lewis saying he’s “jacked” about the Bengals’ moves in free agency (OH PACMAN GONE RE-SIGN) and Brian Dawkins telling the world that one time last season Tebow tried to use his magic Jesus healing factor to cure him of his NeckAIDS. Obviously it was to no avail if the Broncos didn’t opt to keep Teebs around for Peyton insurance this season. Anyway, SI is being later than usual in posting Peter King’s weekly Allagash-battered nugget dump and we need something to keep you readers distracted, so you guys play nice with this reader submitted chinchilla that, by virtue of an adorbs case of macrocephaly, bears more than a passing resemblance to Peyton Manning. If the Broncos can justify having a monkey riding a dog as their halftime show, they can work this little guy in somehow.

Unless we’re to assume that Ufford has solved all of the world’s problems (a quasi-legitish possibility), you all have been holding out on us this week with the questions for the sexbag. Be sure to send ‘em along either to the KSK inbox (kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com) or to Ufford directly (mattufford@gmail.com). Granted, it’s mid-March, so it’s a ways until fantasy drafts, but free agency has already begun to shape potential drafting strategies. For instance, people like flubby who held onto Jamaal Charles in keeper leagues while he was injured all last season now get to worry about the Chiefs signing CIA operative Peyton Hillis. And so far as we know, there’s no offseason for sexy time. So let’s have those questions. We’ve only gotten a few so far this week, forcing us to postpone the mailbag until Friday. Unless we get some more to pad this thing out, we might just have to push it to next Thursday.

[Image via Warming Glow]

Last night I made a bunch of Photoshops of Tim Tebow as a centaur. I don’t know why. I hadn’t been drinking. I didn’t swallow eight buttons of peyote. The possibility just flickered into my head for an instant, and then it had to be. I’m sorry.

NO MAILBAG TODAY. MAILBAG TOMORROW. We didn’t get very many submissions this week, so I’m opening the door for sex-only submissions because we’re gonna be talking about keeper leagues for the next six months. Email me or the whole gay mafia with your questions.

One of the most compelling people to ever write into the mailbag is Hotwheelz (real name: Raul), the muscular dystrophy-afflicted young man who’s maintained a positive and humorous outlook despite writing the saddest letter we’ve ever seen. Confined to a wheelchair, he ran game on women by dressing up as Stephen Hawking for Halloween. If his story doesn’t move you, you’re dead inside and I hate you.

And just when he’s long overdue for a break, the state of California has stripped him of the medical care he needs to make a life for himself. He writes:

Hello guys, I know you don’t usually do non-football stuff, but I could really use your help right now. I’m involved in a battle with the state of California over my nursing hours. Basically, they cut my healthcare funding when I turned 21 because I was officially an adult. We appealed the decision, but lost the case and have been denied a rehearing. I’ve started a petition in order to fight back and hopefully get their decision overturned. I was hoping you guys could help me get signatures by linking it on your site and/or hooking me up with any media contacts you might have. You can find the petition here along with more detailed information about the case. I understand you guys are a football site, but this would be a tremendous help. Hope y’all have a great night.

You can watch his speech at Occupy San Diego above for the full story, but all you really need to do is go to Change.org and sign his petition. It’s incredibly easy and takes almost zero effort from you. Seriously, it takes less than a minute. Do it right now. The faster he gets to a thousand signatures, the sooner I’ll post the full mailbag. Thanks.

When it comes who is the better coach between Bill Bellichick and Rex Ryan, there’s not much room for credible debate. You’d think that last night’s 37-16 drubbing would have made the point patently obvious without the need for verbalization. Nevertheless, one Patriots fan, couldn’t resist tweaking Ryan as he made his way off the field yesterday. But Rex was ready with le mot juste.

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Bobby Big Wheel is your winner. Thanks to all of you who signed up for the new commenting system and participated in the caption contest. No thanks to those of you who missed the point entirely by emailing your entries. Bobby Big Wheel is the big winner for mocking Detroit’s inability to build a competitive robot. Honorable mention goes to StuScottBooyahs for his spot-on usage of the New Yorker rule.

Please read this interview. Dan Snyder agreed to an interview with the New York Times Magazine. He did not fare well. I urge you to read the whole thing (it’s as short as the subject himself), but here are a few key points.

1. Regarding the “anti-semitic” image accompanying the famous City Paper piece that helped spurn the lawsuit, “It’s not nice.”

2. He never actually read the article itself.

3. The visitor’s owners box at many stadiums are “quite high up.” Does Peter King know about this? [NYT Mag]

$30 million guaranteed for Cop Speed. Worry not, concerned Titans fans. Well, worry not about Chris Johnson. You should probably continue to worry about the rest of your team until further notice. Especially Kenny Britt. But I digress. Chris Johnson has ended his holdout by signing a five year deal worth over $53 million. The big number is the $30 million that’s guaranteed. That’s $8 million more than Cam Newton got under the new rookie wage scale, and $20 million less than Sam Bradford got last year. So he did get quarterback money, just not “good” quarterback money. Now all of those fake fans can finally STFU and go back to their regular jobs.

SUBMIT MAILBAG QUESTIONS EARLY THIS WEEK. Your friendly neighborhood Captain Caveman leaves on vacation Tuesday morning. The good news is that the mailbag, for once, won’t be late on Thursday. The bad news is that you gotta submit your questions much earlier. Say, now-ish.