SUICIDE POOL UPDATE: 244 people are still perfect through eight weeks; that’s about 18 percent of our original suicide poolers. And yeah, there’s a better-than-average chance that there will be more than one competitor standing when we run out of regular-season games. If that happens, we’ll probably just hold a random draw for prizes, which will include a signed copy of Ape’s book, some awesomely low-tech football game, and other stuff. You can view the pool here, and we’ll have another update when the herd starts to thin out a bit more.

“My dad would have known I didn’t mean to offend anybody.” The Kansas City Chiefs have told running back Larry Johnson to sit out the next few plays following his embarrassing Twitter meltdown on Sunday night. [KC Star]

UPDATE: The Chiefs are releasing Larry Johnson. [RealGM via SB Nation]

Image via The Sporting Blog

And now, answers to the Peter King crossword puzzle:

ACROSS

3. Most humane train (ACELA)
5. You should respect it (SUN)
10. Land baron (FAVRE)
12. Johnny Damon lookalike (MARKSANCHEZ)
13. Criminally melted candy (KITKAT)
16. Extraneous urban asset (CAR)
17. The perfect save (VOICEMAIL)
18. Alarming new fashion trend 9UGGS)
19. Disturbing trend on I-95 (TRAFFIC)

DOWN

1. No room at the Inn? (WESTIN)
2. Led NFL in smiles during 2008 season (TONYROMO)
4. Unknowable science (CHEMISTRY)
6. Crime committed by film companies (EXTORTION)
7. Favre? (FAVRE)
8. Chain restaurant with coffee-flavored water (JILLIANS)
9. Ohio home of Toone P. Wiggins (SIDNEY)
11. Two wonderful? (JETER)
14. Moniker for SI scribe Banks (BRASCO)
15. Pre-ferred prefix (SEMI)
16. Car part, defined (CLUTCH)

Snyder incapable of hiring coach or GM, might allow beloved old man to do it for him. The latest rumor surrounding the woebegone Redskins is that Dan Snyder could bring Joe Gibbs back to oversee the franchise a la Bill Parcells in Miami. The biggest difference between the two is that Parcells has always been singularly focused on the NFL whereas Gibbs spends his time running a NASCAR team and spreading the word of Christ. Noble endeavors no doubt, but the fact remains that Gibbs isn’t really in tune with the goings on around the league. After all, this is the same guy who reacted to Snyder’s enthusiasm regarding Jim Zorn as a head coaching candidate by declaring, “That’s neat.” FML. [PFT]

Update: ESPN 980 reports that a Gibbs return is unlikely.

Rob, the Giants fan who transmogrified from regular sweatshirted lumpy guy to a weepy pathetic slimy mess following his team’s loss to the Eagles in divisional playoffs last year, gets a chance at some web redemption tomorrow night courtesy of tosh.0. Just remember Comedy Central producers, WE HAD HIS PATHETIC DISPLAY OF SNIVELING BLUBBERY BLUBBERING FIRST! WE DEMAND AT MINIMUM ONE SCREEN CAP FROM THE BLOG ON THE SHOW! OR EVEN THE CHANCE TO WRITE A PILOT FOR THE NETWORK THAT DESPERATELY TRIES TO COPY THE EDGINESS AND RACIAL HUMOR OF CHAPPELLE’S SHOW AND FAILS MISERABLY! WE’RE UP TO THE TASK!

To the surprise of no one, the Raiders were triumphant in their Super Bowl XV rematch against the Philadelphia yesterday. What was surprising was the Raiders twelfth man on special teams. WOOOO RAIDERS! SUCK IT, IGGLES! Look at that bird go. SUCK IT! WOOOOO! I wonder if it can play quarterback too? S & B BABY! SUCK IT, PHILLY! WOO-WOO!!!

[ via SbB ]

Jets acquire Braylon Edwards. The New York Jets have completed a trade for Cleveland’s Braylon Edwards. When reached for comment Jets coach Rex Ryan said, “I heard he punched out that little fella for being friends with the LeBron fella. That takes MOXIE!” [ESPN]

Also: Michael Crabtree ended his holdout. Everything he knows about negotiations he learned from Wikipedia. [Mercury News]

Future News: Jim Zorn fired as head coach of the Washington Redskins. Greg Blatche named interim head coach, Sherm Smith moves to offensive coordinator. [DC Sports Bog]

Everyone needs a little smut in their lives. Unless of course you happen to think that stuff will make you gay. For the rest of you, consider this a reminder to send in submissions for this week’s Fantasy Football and Sex Advice Mailbag. Do you want to know how to gain the forgiveness of a sexual partner whom you chided for being too easy? Well we already have a question about that (seriously), so think of something else between now and tomorrow morning. Remember, the ‘bag doesn’t put itself together, so try to get your submissions to us in a timely manner.

Image via Cleavage Lover

WHORING! GET YOUR WHORING RIGHT HERE! Captain Caveman links for your enjoyment. First up: I made my first-ever appearance on Dan Levy’s most recent On the DL podcast. He asks me some questions about the Marines before we get down to talking television and the NFL. What a nice young man he is.

If you need a pubescent face to go with that pubescent voice of mine, good news, because Blogs with Balls 2.0 tickets are now NOT insanely expensive like before. I guess the HHR Media people swindled ESPN into sponsoring part of the new media circle jerk, so now it’s only $100. Go HERE to get a discount code. Limited time only.

And last but not least, a Fight Gone Bad update: I practiced sumo deadlift high pulls this morning, and it was misery, sheer misery. This Saturday is gonna suck out loud. So you have that to look forward to. Thanks again to everyone who donated.

KSK will be running a suicide pool for the 2009 season. Register here. Password is “kogod” and you better get cracking. Pick one team per week. If your team wins, you advance to the next week. If your team loses, stick a fork in your ass, because you’re done. Oh, and you can only pick a team to win once. We will do something special for anyone that survives the entire season. If you win but flame out in Week 12, tough titties. Good luck.