Last night I made a bunch of Photoshops of Tim Tebow as a centaur. I don’t know why. I hadn’t been drinking. I didn’t swallow eight buttons of peyote. The possibility just flickered into my head for an instant, and then it had to be. I’m sorry.

NO MAILBAG TODAY. MAILBAG TOMORROW. We didn’t get very many submissions this week, so I’m opening the door for sex-only submissions because we’re gonna be talking about keeper leagues for the next six months. Email me or the whole gay mafia with your questions.

One of the most compelling people to ever write into the mailbag is Hotwheelz (real name: Raul), the muscular dystrophy-afflicted young man who’s maintained a positive and humorous outlook despite writing the saddest letter we’ve ever seen. Confined to a wheelchair, he ran game on women by dressing up as Stephen Hawking for Halloween. If his story doesn’t move you, you’re dead inside and I hate you.

And just when he’s long overdue for a break, the state of California has stripped him of the medical care he needs to make a life for himself. He writes:

Hello guys, I know you don’t usually do non-football stuff, but I could really use your help right now. I’m involved in a battle with the state of California over my nursing hours. Basically, they cut my healthcare funding when I turned 21 because I was officially an adult. We appealed the decision, but lost the case and have been denied a rehearing. I’ve started a petition in order to fight back and hopefully get their decision overturned. I was hoping you guys could help me get signatures by linking it on your site and/or hooking me up with any media contacts you might have. You can find the petition here along with more detailed information about the case. I understand you guys are a football site, but this would be a tremendous help. Hope y’all have a great night.

You can watch his speech at Occupy San Diego above for the full story, but all you really need to do is go to Change.org and sign his petition. It’s incredibly easy and takes almost zero effort from you. Seriously, it takes less than a minute. Do it right now. The faster he gets to a thousand signatures, the sooner I’ll post the full mailbag. Thanks.

When it comes who is the better coach between Bill Bellichick and Rex Ryan, there’s not much room for credible debate. You’d think that last night’s 37-16 drubbing would have made the point patently obvious without the need for verbalization. Nevertheless, one Patriots fan, couldn’t resist tweaking Ryan as he made his way off the field yesterday. But Rex was ready with le mot juste.

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Bobby Big Wheel is your winner. Thanks to all of you who signed up for the new commenting system and participated in the caption contest. No thanks to those of you who missed the point entirely by emailing your entries. Bobby Big Wheel is the big winner for mocking Detroit’s inability to build a competitive robot. Honorable mention goes to StuScottBooyahs for his spot-on usage of the New Yorker rule.

Please read this interview. Dan Snyder agreed to an interview with the New York Times Magazine. He did not fare well. I urge you to read the whole thing (it’s as short as the subject himself), but here are a few key points.

1. Regarding the “anti-semitic” image accompanying the famous City Paper piece that helped spurn the lawsuit, “It’s not nice.”

2. He never actually read the article itself.

3. The visitor’s owners box at many stadiums are “quite high up.” Does Peter King know about this? [NYT Mag]

$30 million guaranteed for Cop Speed. Worry not, concerned Titans fans. Well, worry not about Chris Johnson. You should probably continue to worry about the rest of your team until further notice. Especially Kenny Britt. But I digress. Chris Johnson has ended his holdout by signing a five year deal worth over $53 million. The big number is the $30 million that’s guaranteed. That’s $8 million more than Cam Newton got under the new rookie wage scale, and $20 million less than Sam Bradford got last year. So he did get quarterback money, just not “good” quarterback money. Now all of those fake fans can finally STFU and go back to their regular jobs.

SUBMIT MAILBAG QUESTIONS EARLY THIS WEEK. Your friendly neighborhood Captain Caveman leaves on vacation Tuesday morning. The good news is that the mailbag, for once, won’t be late on Thursday. The bad news is that you gotta submit your questions much earlier. Say, now-ish.

Football-like product returns to television tonight. Get excited, people. It’s time to watch some starters play upwards of two series of semi-organized football. There might even be some audibles! There are a total of five games on tonight’s schedule, and NFL Network will have live look-ins on each of them. So tune in to get your undrafted free agent fix before your favorite one gets cut. And remember, only 31 28 more days until stuff matters. [NFL]

ISLAND OF MISFIT FANTASY FOOTBALL PLAYERS MEET HERE. Are you foreign? Saddled with douchebag friends? Looking for human connection in the form of sports gambling? Use this thread to set up your KSK-inspired fantasy football leagues. Funny, well-adjusted people only, please. AND NO 2-QB LEAGUES!