Five Layers of Blackwater Protection. TMZ reports that a Costa Rican photog claims to have been shot at by security working at the Giseleboat nuptials. Poor guy. He’s got a cardboard window! Clearly this is a policy other franchises must adopt vis-a-vis Patriots team videographers.

OOWWWW-AH CAMPOUTS AH MUCH BETTAH THAN YO-AHHHHHH CAMPOUTS! “WE TELL STAHRIES AND EAT FLUFFAHNUTTAH SANDWICHES!” The Patriots allow people to camp out on the Gillette Stadium field for one night in June. So take part in the Relay for Life and that might be you sleeping on that concentration camp icon they got near the 50-yard line.

What Makes Jay Drink? ProFootballTalk points out that the following passage was hastily removed from a story by a Denver FOX affiliate on Jay Cutler’s disharmonious relationship with the Broncos: “The source said there are concerns about Cutler’s consumption of alcohol, and ‘that he’s not that sharp. That scared the crap out of McDaniels,’ the source said.” If true, it means Cutler could have been deceiving all of us with the diabeetus bidness. We’ll have to check with our sedulous army of spies in case one spots him eating a slice of chocolate raspberry truffle at The Cheesecake Factory.

Kickoff Weekend Features Stompy Matchup. The cowardly Ravens get their wish to avoid Heinz Field in primetime, meaning the Titans will visit the Steelers for the opening Thursday night game, during which the LenWhale towel-stomping incident will no doubt never be referenced. Meanwhile, the Boston Globe reports the first Monday Night Football game will be the Bills and the Pats, opening the door for a thousand “JAWS, HOW SIMILAR ARE THE CAREER ARCS OF T.O. AND RANDY MOSS? IT’S LIKE THEY’VE FOLLOWED THE SAME PATH! CAN YOU BELIEVE THE PARALLELS!?” comments from Kornheiser. Loverly.

Update: The first Sunday night game is Bears at Packers, because historically fierce rivalries between presently mediocre teams are exciting. The second of the Week 1 Monday night games has King Laserface’s army of super soldiers doing battle with Al Davis’ undead army of the suck. And the NFL is determined to make you bored on Thanksgiving before dinner is served by scheduling the Lions and the Pack at 12:30, followed by another Oakland-Dallas yawner at 4, then Cutler and Eli having a sulk-off in the night game.

Gisele Socks Brady Right in the Naivete. In the latest issue of Harper’s, no doubt tucked into an essay about Sudanese refugees using Twitter, Mrs. Dreamboat describes her hubby thusly: “He has a very pure heart. He’s very naive, almost like a child. That is my favorite quality about him. One thing that I thought was so amazing when I first met him is that he is innocent. He sees the world with colored glasses.” Because nobody understands the forces governing our world like Gisele. Damn, girl, if it was naivete you were looking for, that’s some game I can spit. WORLD PEACE IS ATTAINABLE IF EVERYONE JUST SAT DOWN FOR QDOBA TOGETHER! See?

WHAT? HUH? WHAT? TWEET YOU! A helpful soul has forwarded us what can no doubt be the actual Twitter feed of Marmalard. And he’s already cussing. YOU LIED TO US, YOU MAINSTREAM MEDIA JACKALS!

Arizona Is Finally Getting The Hang Of Football Douchebaggery. It was just two weeks ago that Will Leitch was bitching that Cardinals fans were engaging in amateur hour antics like The Wave at the NFC Title Game, but now Buzzsaw backers have graduated to obsessive fan territory by having their schools send home students who wear Steelers jerseys. You’ve come a long way, baby!

Break Out Your Pittsburgh Economic Privation Jokes. The city said there may be no victory parade if the Steelers win on Sunday because they can’t afford it. Like that will stop yinzers from starting an impromptu one. Of Terrible Towel-swaddled newborns, no less! Or maybe just lots of celebratory Bacon Explosion.

Rod Tidwell at the Super Bowl. Or at least Cuba Gooding, Jr. Because apparently Chill Factor II or Snow Dogs VI aren’t in production at the moment. What actors will they get to play the 12 Cardinals fans in attendance? Where is Cushman in all this? Waiting to be in attendance when Tebow’s draft day rolls around?

Can’t someone just hit her in the face with a cookie tray? Glendale mayor Elaine Scruggs placed a wager that if the Cardinals win the Super Bowl, the Steelers have to plant a cactus outside Heinz Field. Conversely, if the Steelers win, a Western Pennsylvania tree gets to try to survive the arid desert climate. Nothing stirs up a football game like horticultural-related bets. What’s wrong, Scruggs, too scared to wager the pharmaceutical contents of the local retirement communities?