JAMES HARRISON NOT RETARDED AFTER ALL! He’s just a really bad liar. Apparently the guy just has an acute fear of flying and that is why he’s foregoing the trip to D.C. later this week to meet his worship, Cliff Huxtable. Nevermind, of course, that Warrrrshington is only, at most, a mere four-hour car ride from the ‘Burgh. THAT’S ANYBODY CAR DISTANCE! THAT ROAD WASN’T PAVED FOR JAMES HARRISON! [Mondesi's House]

MATT LIGHT DISAPPROVES OF YOUR FENG SHUI AND WILL SHOW IT WITH VIOLENCE. Patriots tackle Matt Light is being sued by a nightclub host-cum-interior decorator for an alleged beating the Patriots tackle administered to him on New Year’s Eve 2007 during an altercation at a Connecticut casino. See, Light practices his technique on interior decorators then later applies it on the field to Channing Crowder. Get a vehicle on the field and the offseason exploits of Marshawn Lynch and Donte Stallworth suddenly have remarkable utility.

“NYET!” So thundered the text message across the cosmos, one that at long last sealed the fate of a vast land-based fiefdom controlled by Baron Von Britfar. Its recipient: not longtime paramour and barnacle Peter King, but a journeyman quarterback turned broadcasting stooge. What textual riches had been vouchsafed to him! He could scarcely suss their import. His eyes alighted on the two-letter reply and his hands trembled until the cell phone fell from his grasp. He bounded into the newsroom, prepared to change the future irreparably.

UPDATE: That rock-solid Dilfer reportage didn’t take long to fall apart.

LIFE OF LAWRENCE TAYLOR TO BE MADE INTO KINETOSCOPIC FEATURE? According to the New York Post, it’s a solid maybe. “The movie moguls are interested in turning LT’s life story into a film, the way they turned Biggie Smalls’ story into ‘Notorious’ earlier this year.” You mean a formulaic biopic with poor distribution that squanders interesting source material and managed to bore all? Hot damn. Then again, if they get Craig Robinson to sign on, and attach Patrick Duffy to play Joe Theismann, and maybe swing Gary Busey as Bill Parcells, I might be convinced to come around. Until then, Big Fan is the only football-related movie on my radar.

TONY GONZALEZ TO THE ATL. The Pro Bowl tight end is dealt to the Falcons for a 2010 second-round pick. Suddenly, the Falcons offense looks that much more dangerous and Matt Cassel looks like he’ll be staring down Dwayne Bowe a little more often. COACH HALEY SAYS YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL, DICKLICK!

UPDATE: Noted Clinton Portis fetishist Chris Mottram calls the trade “a very-Snyderish deal” by The Falcons. Sure, but only if Atlanta turns around and gives him $50 million guaranteed. And surrenders two more 1st day picks to KC.

BUNGLE’S GOT TALENT! Cincinnati tight end Ben Utecht to release a country album largely extolling the virtues of Jeebus. He probably should have made his singing chops better known when he was with the Colts. He probably would’ve gotten more balls from Peyton. Passes too.

SEXY FRIDAY PRE-GAME: Sexy Friday will be along a little later, but in the meantime here’s a little appetizer courtesy bears in human suits.  Fun fact: clicking on this thumbnail immediately puts you on an FBI watch list.

And yet, it’s still totally worth it, dude.  My only regret is that there aren’t more pictures like that one.

DOLPHINS TURN BACK RAIDERS! 4 realz this time! Thousands of dolphins blocked the Somali pirates from attacking Chinese merchant ships, thus solving yet another of the “Who Would Win?” scenarios among the NFL mascots. FIX YO PIRACY!

WE CAN NOW CALL HIM SCRILLABACK! Pencil-mustachioed defensive player of the year James Harrison agrees to a 6-year, $51 million extension with the Steelers, thus ensuring that he and LaMarr Woodley will continue tag teamming opposing quarterbacks and your mom for years to come. Meanwhile, the Steelers have yet to sign a single player other than one of their own free agents this offseason. Because they’re clearly leaving roster spots open for Vick and a Plax return AND OTHER THINGS THAT WOULD HAPPEN IN A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT PARALLEL UNIVERSE.

FORGET CAR BOAT (THE BOAT WITH CARS!), THE BUNGLES GOT A TANK. Cincy must have heeded Ocho Cinco’s advice that the team should return to its felonious ways of the mid-decade salad days, because the team just signed Tank Johnson. This a few weeks about entertaining horse collarin’ Roy Williams. Because castoffs from a spectacularly failed Dallas team are the first ingredient for any franchise looking to rebound.