FRAN TARKENTON A STOIC HERO TO THE HOPELESS AND DOWNTRODDEN. In a radio interview, the Hall of Fame scrambler of legend called Brittfar’s three-ring retirement circus “despicable” and that he hopes Favre signs with the Vikings “so he can fail”. He also goes on to note that Brett has made more stupid plays than any other QB ever. Well, Fran, I hope you know some other baron you can acquire land from because you’re about to blackballed by this one. [Sports Radio Interviews via tWWL]

AND BRADY MAKES THREE. Gisele is reportedly heavy with child of Dreamboat, which of course is the first step toward Tom dumping her and shacking up with Megan Fox (she likes the older guys!). If it’s at all in keeping with the naming patterns of the prior Scions of Tom, it will be called Bill, regardless of gender, and it will spring forth from the womb wearing a Yankees cap. Now cue six New England columnists using this as an excuse for saying he’s gone soft. [Radar via Boston Globe]

SEX CANNON ABOUT TO EXPLODE ALL OVER VIRGIN FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Lost in all the breathless speculation about the destination of Michael Vick is the Sex Cannon sweepstakes. Probably because the only speculation surrounding Rexy is that of the paternity sort. Anyway, word has it Rex Grossman is getting a tryout for nascent United Football League. Where is the tryout, you ask? Vegas. Yeah, he’s not gonna make it. [Mouthpiece Sports via Sportress of Blogitude]

JAMES HARRISON NOT RETARDED AFTER ALL! He’s just a really bad liar. Apparently the guy just has an acute fear of flying and that is why he’s foregoing the trip to D.C. later this week to meet his worship, Cliff Huxtable. Nevermind, of course, that Warrrrshington is only, at most, a mere four-hour car ride from the ‘Burgh. THAT’S ANYBODY CAR DISTANCE! THAT ROAD WASN’T PAVED FOR JAMES HARRISON! [Mondesi's House]

MATT LIGHT DISAPPROVES OF YOUR FENG SHUI AND WILL SHOW IT WITH VIOLENCE. Patriots tackle Matt Light is being sued by a nightclub host-cum-interior decorator for an alleged beating the Patriots tackle administered to him on New Year’s Eve 2007 during an altercation at a Connecticut casino. See, Light practices his technique on interior decorators then later applies it on the field to Channing Crowder. Get a vehicle on the field and the offseason exploits of Marshawn Lynch and Donte Stallworth suddenly have remarkable utility.

“NYET!” So thundered the text message across the cosmos, one that at long last sealed the fate of a vast land-based fiefdom controlled by Baron Von Britfar. Its recipient: not longtime paramour and barnacle Peter King, but a journeyman quarterback turned broadcasting stooge. What textual riches had been vouchsafed to him! He could scarcely suss their import. His eyes alighted on the two-letter reply and his hands trembled until the cell phone fell from his grasp. He bounded into the newsroom, prepared to change the future irreparably.

UPDATE: That rock-solid Dilfer reportage didn’t take long to fall apart.

LIFE OF LAWRENCE TAYLOR TO BE MADE INTO KINETOSCOPIC FEATURE? According to the New York Post, it’s a solid maybe. “The movie moguls are interested in turning LT’s life story into a film, the way they turned Biggie Smalls’ story into ‘Notorious’ earlier this year.” You mean a formulaic biopic with poor distribution that squanders interesting source material and managed to bore all? Hot damn. Then again, if they get Craig Robinson to sign on, and attach Patrick Duffy to play Joe Theismann, and maybe swing Gary Busey as Bill Parcells, I might be convinced to come around. Until then, Big Fan is the only football-related movie on my radar.

TONY GONZALEZ TO THE ATL. The Pro Bowl tight end is dealt to the Falcons for a 2010 second-round pick. Suddenly, the Falcons offense looks that much more dangerous and Matt Cassel looks like he’ll be staring down Dwayne Bowe a little more often. COACH HALEY SAYS YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL, DICKLICK!

UPDATE: Noted Clinton Portis fetishist Chris Mottram calls the trade “a very-Snyderish deal” by The Falcons. Sure, but only if Atlanta turns around and gives him $50 million guaranteed. And surrenders two more 1st day picks to KC.

BUNGLE’S GOT TALENT! Cincinnati tight end Ben Utecht to release a country album largely extolling the virtues of Jeebus. He probably should have made his singing chops better known when he was with the Colts. He probably would’ve gotten more balls from Peyton. Passes too.

SEXY FRIDAY PRE-GAME: Sexy Friday will be along a little later, but in the meantime here’s a little appetizer courtesy bears in human suits.  Fun fact: clicking on this thumbnail immediately puts you on an FBI watch list.

And yet, it’s still totally worth it, dude.  My only regret is that there aren’t more pictures like that one.