THIS FACKIN GREEK FAKE-HISPANIC BITCH IS RAWPONSIBLE FAH ALL OW-AH SAWFFERING! That’s right, everybody. Put down all the statistical analyses proving that Belichick did actually make the correct decision by trying to convert the 4th and 2. Turns out, the Patriots were fated to lose anyway, because Access Hollywood host and Boston native Maria Menounos Tweeted that the Pats were going to win before the game was actually over. DIDN’T LITTLE BILLY SIMMONS EVAH TEACH THIS FAKE MEXICUNT ABOWT THE POWAH OF THE JINX? WE SHOULD REVOKE HEH BAHSTON CITIZENSHIP! SHE’S NAWT IN THE BROTHAHOOD ANY MO-AH!

Those dastardly heavy-breathing sneakabouts in Indianapolis are at it again! First, they steal the Colts from Baltimore. Now, because of an injury to Adam Nougatieri (injuries don’t make chompions, Adam) they have signed Greatest Raven Ever Matt Stover. Is there nothing they won’t take from Baltimore? I mean, other than black people. Those Indy can do without.

SEXBAG PROBLEMS: YOU SEND ‘EM, WE MEND ‘EM. Or at least gently mock them. Either way, they go here. In the future, we may allow non-sex related general interest questions as well, just to avoid the repetition of anal/threesome inquiries. For the time being, continue inundating us with your perversions.

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MAN SPARED FROM MISERLY WRATH OF COUNT BRADY A guy who swiped Dreamboat’s priceless flower boxes and attempted to sell them for scrap metal (presumably because he thought he was in Fallout 3 for real) was reduced to panhandling when Brady tried to collect the $4,000 his vagina needs to feel fancy. But, lo, a mysterious benefactor came forward to cover his debts, freeing the poor soul from a life of servitude polishing Tom’s future child’s diamond jammies.

MAGGIE DID IT!? WTF!? Nashville Police Chief Ronal Serpas announced that police have ruled that the McNair shooting was, in fact, the result of a murder-suicide committed by 20-year-old Sahel Kazemi, which is what most people had assumed all along. That isn’t to say that another conclusion wasn’t possible, but the dimestore detective work being done by a few overzealous bloggers the past week wasn’t making any alternatives seem all that plausible. Or even coherent. In the future, let’s try not to prosecute people on the Intarwebs based on squishy conjecture or even a few vaguely ominous rap lyrics, mmmmkay?

“SMASH AND DASH” SMASHED, DASHED Chris Johnson put the kibosh on the tandem nickname he shares with LenWhale, because White got gravy stains all over it and stretched it out in the legs, leaving DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart to lay claim to the moniker contention-free. LenWhale’s cool with it so long as Ben & Jerry and Harry & David keep their bonds tight.

In other news, some stupid baseball player is stealing The Ben’s mojo. NEXT THING YOU TELL THE BEN HE GOT NEW CALL OF DUTY MAP PACK ON XBOX LIVE AND CAN ALREADY PEW PEW PEW BETTER!

SOON THEY’LL ELECT A UNIBROW TO BE MAYOR. The Bawlmer Orioles Beisbol Club selected Mike Flacco, the younger brother of one Joe Flacco, in the 31st round of the MLB Draft. Before you know it, all Jersey inhabitants will be called upon to save Baltimore sports. However, upon further inspection, Mike doesn’t seem to have as prominent a unibrow as his older brother, but he did play for a baseball team that borrowed the Buzzsaw logo. FIX YO BIRD ALLEGIANCE!

HOW BE YE, LANDLUBBING COW RANCHERS!? Buried deep within this Dan Le Batard column about how all coaches in pro sports are miserable (shocker!) and how icons like Jimmy Johnson are only truly happy after they leave the game and spend their millions on a languorous post-career lifestyle that includes frolicking underwater with porpoises and buying new boats every six months, lies this nugget: “[wife] Rhonda organizes the house parties with themes. Pirates are next, for example.” Sure, pirate parties sound like a lark, Jimmy. UNTIL THEY WENT AND GOT GOVERNING RESPONSIBILITIES. Hello, stressers.

“NOW I TELL YA, THAT’S A HECK OF A TOSS. RIGHT NEXT TO THE JACK, WHICH IS USUALLY THE BEST WAY TO WIN AT BOCCE” Bocce, the sport of choice for old xenophobic Italian men and drunk hipsters at barbecues, has proponents in the form of Steve Mariucci and John Madden, who have hosted a Bay Area charity celebrity tournament the past 10 years.

Yet somehow every penny of the $3 million raised in that time has been squandered on such unlofty frivolities as the Boys and Girls Clubs and the Special Olympics, with nary a dime going to help already wealthy sportswriters in need. I believe I am safe in assuming there won’t be a trace of concrete cyanide gracing this tournament anytime soon. Though if PK were to make an appearance, a game of mumblety-peg should immediately break out.

FNIA just got more preachy. NBC is reportedly set to replace Cris Collinsworth’s smarminess with Tony Dungy’s bland piety on the set of Football Night In America. It’s also being speculated that the studio will get shot of pure adrenaline to the scrotum in the form of recently retired safety Rodney Harrison. The former Patriot will take Jerome Bettis’ reinforced seat. [NYDN via PFT]