Pretty soon you’ll be able to buy some ad space on that ever-expanding forehead. Until then you’ll have to marvel at Tom’s sparkling whites and Gisele’s vitamin-enriched follicles. [Just Jared via Quickish]

It was announced yesterday that Hines Ward will be on the next season of “Dancing With The Stars,” which is a show that will never go away because it costs nothing to produce. The NFL’s numbell one smaltest leceivel is the latest in a string of current and former players to have competed, including Jason Taylor, Chad Ochocinco, Jerry Rice, Emmitt Smith and Warren Sapp and Kurt Warner, among others. I hadn’t realized just how many players had taken part. But that also led to the realization that I also don’t give a shit about DWTS. It’s been a morning of discovery at my place.

Hines isn’t known for being all that agile, so the producers are likely hoping he’ll throw a crackback block at Chris Jericho, thus inciting a melee which will end with Bill Simmons shrieking in the audience for Ralph Macchio to sweep everyone’s leg.

As for the dancing, Hines will end up imitating all the moves that Ocho used when he appeared on the show.

Dalmatian whipping out his yellow member at a goose? The things network TV can get away with these days. Oh, and if you think that’s the only seemingly innocuous thing from yesterday’s Eagles-Bears game that we can put into a forced inappropriate context, then you are surely mistaken.

That’s the last time anyone knocks Andy Reid’s cock management skills.

“What’ll I do, little missy? Ol’ Jerry will tan my hide for sure and no one will ever hire me as a head coach again in this league. That is, aside from Buffalo again in two years. You gotta let me know everything will be okay.”

Are we sure that’s still illegal? Titans quarterback Chris Simms was busted in the pre-dawn hours on charges of “driving while stoned,” according to the venerable New York Post. Everybody knows that smoking weed makes you a better driver, and there’s no indication given that police found any of the offending bud. Plus there’s a report from an unnamed source that Simms was slurring his speech. No, none of this adds up at all. Sorry, Post, but I’m ready to report that Simms was loopy on the Drank. Stop blaming innocent plants! [New York Post]

JESUSBACK JERSEY MOST POPULAR GRAVEN IMAGE EVER. Since being drafted last month by Cartman’s father, Tim Tebow’s jersey has rocketed to the top of the sales list, even outpacing that of new Redskin Donovan McNabb. That may not sound that impressive, but McNabb has received the support of Justin Bieber, which means every family with little girls has bought two of them, because Caitlin isn’t sharing with her bitch sister.

SO ENDS ANOTHER PK PROFILE IN HEROISM. According to NFL Network’s Jason La Confora, Scott Sicko, who yesterday was lauded by Peter King for his clarity of purpose in deciding against pursuing a career along the precarious margins of an NFL roster in favor of a more mundane, but praiseworthy life as a teacher, has signed with the Dallas Cowboys. False hope. Misplaced values. Disillusionment. Greed.

THIS FACKIN GREEK FAKE-HISPANIC BITCH IS RAWPONSIBLE FAH ALL OW-AH SAWFFERING! That’s right, everybody. Put down all the statistical analyses proving that Belichick did actually make the correct decision by trying to convert the 4th and 2. Turns out, the Patriots were fated to lose anyway, because Access Hollywood host and Boston native Maria Menounos Tweeted that the Pats were going to win before the game was actually over. DIDN’T LITTLE BILLY SIMMONS EVAH TEACH THIS FAKE MEXICUNT ABOWT THE POWAH OF THE JINX? WE SHOULD REVOKE HEH BAHSTON CITIZENSHIP! SHE’S NAWT IN THE BROTHAHOOD ANY MO-AH!

Those dastardly heavy-breathing sneakabouts in Indianapolis are at it again! First, they steal the Colts from Baltimore. Now, because of an injury to Adam Nougatieri (injuries don’t make chompions, Adam) they have signed Greatest Raven Ever Matt Stover. Is there nothing they won’t take from Baltimore? I mean, other than black people. Those Indy can do without.

SEXBAG PROBLEMS: YOU SEND ‘EM, WE MEND ‘EM. Or at least gently mock them. Either way, they go here. In the future, we may allow non-sex related general interest questions as well, just to avoid the repetition of anal/threesome inquiries. For the time being, continue inundating us with your perversions.

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