Putting the Super Mario Bros. Above These Hos

Christmas Ape — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 20:10:00 +0000

The Niners defense is already on my good side for putting up 39 points in fantasy last week, which almost single-handedly gave me a victory over Ufford. Nevermind that they might have a hard time duplicating that feat against a team not as surpassingly awful as the Rams, I still dig ‘em, but mostly because criminally unrecognized linebacker Patrick Willis don’t mess with none of them womenfolk who try to get in the way of his video gaming.

Cosmo: What’s something a woman might say that would turn you off?
Patrick: “If she said she doesn’t like men who play video games, that would be a problem. I’m a video game fanatic!”

YEAH – AIN’T NO PUSSY GOOD ENOUGH TO STOP ME FROM GETTING THE NEW GRAND THEFT AUTO DLC LATER THIS MONTH! YOU GET TO PARACHUTE IN THAT JOINT! I CAN’T PARACHUTE INTO NO PUSSY! YOU GET PUSSYCHUTES, MAYBE WE TALK!

I also greatly anticipate what will likely be a minimum 30 cutaway shots to the finally signed Michael Crabtree on the sidelines during this game. Which hilariously dated cultural icon will be joining him today?

I’m also a little concerned that the Falcons seem to be the overwhelming consensus choice to win this game. DON’T PEOPLE KNOW SHAUN HILL IS 7-0 AS A STARTER IN CANDLESTICK?

In other late game notes:

Matt Hasselbeck is expected to start for the first time since Sept. 20, as Jacksonville pays a visit to Seattle. With 19 catches for 278 yards and three touchdowns over the past three weeks, Mike Sims-Walker has emerged as – get this! – an actual receiving threat for the Jags. Apparently this is the year where teams get the one commodity that they frequently lack – the Bears, a quarterback; the Ravens, a passing game; the Jaguars, a receiver; the Lions, a win.

Oh great – a completely disingenuous Brandon Marshall interview with Michael Irvin about burnishing his image. Because game-winning TDs completely erase repeated domestic assault charges, or stabbing your teammate with scissors! Troy Aikman said no one works harder at practice! I SEE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR PRACTICE IN YOUR FUTURE, BRANDON!

The Texans and the Cardinals ideally would be a non-stop barrage of Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald breaking 75-yard touchdowns despite seeing double coverage on every play. But they always disappoint you by only getting 45-yard scores. Call me finicky, but those aren’t quite as flashy to me.

Kissing Suzy Kolber » pussychute

Putting the Super Mario Bros. Above These Hos