Santonio Holmes watched as teammate Ben Roethlisberger was being tried in the court of public opinion for separate alleged cases of sexual assault, and thought to himself, “Man, I gotta get me some of that!” So ‘Tone the Pussy Monsta took his drink and winged it at the face of a girl who wouldn’t surrender her place on a nightclub couch, because that is some fine cushy leather underneath all the dried semen. At least that’s what the girl is saying. But according to this fellow I accosted on the street corner, “these triflin’ dog doo-doo bitches be trippin’” So I think that’s something we have to take into account when weighing the facts of this case.

Also: Joey Porter got busted over the weekend for a DUI AND assaulting an officer. That’s like an And-1 in retard criminalball. As well all know, Peezy was with the Steelers for a long time, so we’ll just attribute that little bit of wrongdoing to them as well. AFC Naughty Norf, son!

Santonio Holmes is in the news today for beating a routine weed possession rap, but that’s not the reason we’re writing about him. No, instead we have it on good authority (okay, Cotter over at One For the Other Thumb told us) that Holmes changed his Twitter name to Pussy Monsta. Unfortunately, the feed is locked to the public, so one must get by merely with imagining the exploits of a pussy monsta, though the fact that he follows Shaq, Kardashian and about a dozen fine ass women is amusement enough.

flubby sums the change up nicely: “It’s hard to believe you could have a cooler name than ‘Santonio’ but then he went and unleashed Pussy Monsta. For me, that’s cooler than the game winning TD in the Super Bowl.”