Ooh, lookie! It’s that time of week again. Time to answer your sexy, sexy letters in the order in which they were received! GRRRR! No popped hemmorhoids this week. PHEW! I couldn’t eat after reading that. Well, actually that isn’t true. I still ate. A lot. But I felt like I could have possibly NOT EATEN, or not eaten quite so much, and that isn’t a situation I like being in. Anyway, to the letters…

Dear Football-lovin’ Friends of Dorothy:

Football – which is harder: rooting for a team that ruthlessly cuts beloved team leaders without remorse once they’re on the wrong side of 30, or rooting for a team that constantly blows its (cap room) wad on name players on the downside of their careers?

Why not root for the Patriots this year, in which case you can do both? OOOOH BURN. No, the answer of course is that any sane fan would far, far prefer the ruthless franchise that jettisons beloved players the very second they show signs of wearing down. There’s also the new Josh McDaniels approach, where you bloodlessly cut both aging veterans AND young, talented players you know will become aging veterans ten years from now. Can’t build a winning program with players like that.

Sex: what’s your take on manscaping? What’s the advantage of doing it? More to the point, how would a guy with a hirsute, Mediterranean look (I’m basically a carpet) go about it? Weed-whacker?

Anxiously awaiting a reply before I commence shopping for a lawnmower,
Harry Balls

I have been accused of manscaping in the past. But I assure you, my chest hair really is that sparse, and my skin really is that ruddy. NICE! As for shaving your chest, or waxing your happy trail, or putting a Flobee to your balls, I don’t think it’s gay to take action if you think girls will like it.

The problem with manscaping is that it usually involves absolutes. Let’s say you’ve got a fucking Persian rug on your chest. There’s no way to just go and thin it out. That’s what they need. They need to invent some kind of body hair thinning device. Maybe we could genetically engineer lice to eat hair, then we could smear it on your armpits. VOILA! Natural deforestation.

But since pit lice don’t exist, your only option is the razor, wax, or electrolysis, which all leave your skin bare. (Pubes are an exception here, as you’ll see below) So then, the question is, where do you NOT shave after that? Every place you shave will look completely fucking jarring next to the areas you leave unattended. It would be like a fucking hair curb. Then you gotta shave EVERYWHERE, which strikes me as laborious and painful.

Just leave it, Big Bear.

KSK,

Football: What kind of role will Derrick Ward have next year and how effective will he be? Not to drop the Michael Turner word but does he have any hope?

He won’t have much support from the passing game, and his o-line is average at best, compared to hisl ast team which had one of the better lines in the NFL. I think it’ll tough to get him 1,000 yards.

Sex: I’m going out with a chick tonight and this is the first time fucking it very likely. I shaved the pubs nice and short yesterday, but have fallen victim to razor burn, leaving small red dots and bumps throughout the area. What do I do to make sure this girl doesn’t think I have herpes in case she doesn’t believe the true story?

Thanks,
Hairless.

Tell her the truth with a bit of self-deprecation and I doubt she’ll be skeptical. I have no lie for you that’s better than the actual truthful explanation you already have to explain your cock bumps.

Now, onto proper pubic hair maintenance. I groom my pubes. I have no choice. They grow an inch a minute if left unattended. Stray baseballs can be found in my pubic roots. Manscaping is the only option for me. But I use scissors. It sounds terrifying, but it’s really no big deal. You get in the shower, throw down a wastebasket, stand over it, and trim away. DON’T FORGET UNDER THE DING DONG.

One time, I trimmed my pubes and put the wastebasket back out in the bathroom. Seconds later, my two-year-old ran into the room, looked in the basket, grabbed the pubes, and ran off with them, laughing manaically. I then chased after my kid, saying HEY GIMME BACK MY PUBES KID. Then I got the pubes back and had to burn off my kid’s hand with a soldering iron. So watch where you dispose of your bits.

Dear Jerky Boys of Jerking Off,

Sex: Related to last week’s post, I’ve also recently discovered I have HPV.

OMIGOD it’s an epidemic! Peter King will be reading about it in Newsweek days from now, to be sure.

Apparently there is a large occurrence of this considering I’ve only had sex with two different girls before. Everything I’ve found says that the wart producing strains don’t cause cancer in the female bits (will verify with my doc, of course), which is good for me . Especially since it’s looking like I’m about to break a four-year drought in the action.

My question is this- when’s a good time to breach the subject? Assuming she doesn’t have it as well, she can get the vaccination. But obviously it’d be pretty weird to start getting down to business only to stop and kill the mood with my not-so-special surprise.

There’s no good time to let someone know you have genital warts. In fact, it’s near the top of the list of embarrassing personal revelations that have no optimal time-frame for divulging:

1. Unplanned pregnancy
2. STD
3. Homosexuality
4. Sex Offender Conviction
5. Your Secret Other Wife
6. Sixth Toe
7. Illiteracy
8. Cocaine Dependency
9. Eurythmics CD collection
10. Unemployment

If you’re gonna tell her, just sack up and tell her.

Football: Simmons predicted a banner year for all Kansas City sports. As much as I would love for this to happen, I’m skeptical- he’s not exactly known for his winning predictions. What are the chances the Chiefs at least make it to the second round of the playoffs?

-Larry Johnson’s Lost Innocence

Here was a line from the latest Simmons’ column:

The hottest celeb? My friend Daryl Morey, the Rockets GM, who was hounded by MIT students as if he were Britney among the paparazzi. I dubbed him Dork Elvis. Even he admitted that was funny.

Do you really trust the opinion of someone who, in the span of four sentences, manages to 1) Name drop, 2) Congratulate himself for giving someone a wildly stupid nickname, 3) Tell you that someone found his stupid nickname hilarious? No, you do not trust predictions from that sort of person. NO ONE DENIES THIS!

There’s no reason the Chiefs can’t improve and be a playoff team next year, given the history of quick turnarounds in the NFL in recent years. Even with Todd Haley as the coach. What? You don’t think Haley can turn this team around? WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, CANDYDICK?

Sex: Okay, so after a very prolonged dry spell — like, most of my life, thanks to a fundamentalist upbringing — I’ve started getting regular poon access from a girl at work. She insists I wear a wetsuit when going under, and I’m very unused to it. So much so that in two sessions, I was unable to get off. She’s enjoying it, I’m enjoying it … but I’m not finishing. More troubling, she even gave me a BJ for a couple of minutes this last time, sans rubber … and still nothing.

Trust me when I say it’s not a residual guilt thing. My biggest fear is that I’ve gotten so used to spanking it to pictures of 19-year-old supermodels — which I do, regularly — that I’m now unable to enjoy normal sexual relations with a real woman. WTF is wrong with me?

The condom problem isn’t new. A lot of girls will ask, “God, what’s the big deal with condoms?” And the truth is that condoms often lead to psychological erectile dysfunction. You put one on, your dick goes limp, you can’t screw. Hence, many guys don’t want to use rubbers. Watching porn or whatever only compounds the problem because you now have a precise vision of how you expect sex to work. And when it gets somewhat awkward (as it can in real life), it only increases the pressure you put on yourself. Why is this not going as well as I envisioned? Is my dick totally limp? Can I still shoehorn the little fucker in there? SHIT!

Your solution probably lies in monogamy. If you get tested for AIDS and what not and she gets tested and goes on the pill or whatever, then you can ditch the rubbers. If that doesn’t interest you, I suggest doing everything you can to NOT put pressure on yourself to perform. Have some wine (not too much obviously). Don’t feel obligated to bang the next time you hook up. Things like that. Time, and growing comfort with your partner, usually solves the problem.

Football: Who is the best keeper for ‘09: Ray Rice, Jason Campbell or Brandon Jackson? Yeah, Campbell is a starter, but the other 2 are RBs with upside.

None of those players are keepers. If you must keep one, I’d say Rice.

Hello Gay Pride Parade Participants,

Fantasy:
The fantasy league that I have with my friends from highschool has in the past always been for free with the winner at the end of the season winning bragging rights and nothing else. This upcoming year, the commissioner wants to make it more interesting by having all 12 people involved pay 25 dollars to participate. Everyone except myself and one other person have agreed to pay the fee. In the four years I’ve been in the league I’ve never placed higher than 7th out of the 12, so is it worth it to fork over 25 dollars knowing I’m going to lose, or do I quit the league and just do free leagues like at yahoo or espn? Is it a bitch-move if I choose the second option or am I justified since I am unemployed and do not even have any prospects?

If you don’t want to pay the fee and leave the league, that’s your choice. You shouldn’t feel bad about it. That said, I think the money usually makes fantasy more enjoyable.

Sex:
Remember a while ago when some guy had sex on his friend’s bed and asked what was an appropriate way to apologize? Yeah, that was me. Anyway your suggestion was to apologize and offer to buy new sheets for him.

We suggested that? That’s gay.

Instead of accepting my offer my friend blasted me back over facebook and has since acted like I’m dead to him, ignoring me everywhere (all his other friends, which also happened to be my friends too, have followed suit).

Jesus, that’s even gayer. Who’s your friend, Spencer Pratt? What a douche.

I’m in college, a senior, and have two months left before I graduate–is it worth it to try and make new friends before school ends or just say “fuck it” and wait until I’m in the professional world to try.

Wait. I don’t know what college you go to, but if it breeds douches who get all huffy just because you banged a chick on their bed, you don’t want any piece of them.

Football: Do you think it’d be wise to attempt to trade Shaun Rogers? I doubt his value will ever be higher than it is now, and given his weight issues, I can’t see him staying healthy for more than a couple of seasons, and he’s signed for five more years. That being said, our defense would be a total shit show without him, no matter who we add in the draft.

Shaun Rogers has a cap figure of nearly $9 million next year. And he eats children. You’re stuck with him.

Sexy Sex: Welp, I’ve never done “it” before.

Nudge nudge wink wink

Furthest I’ve ever gone was second base. I met this girl at my friend’s party, and we’ve been talking, and we’ve both come to the conclusion that a good ‘ol one night stand is in order. Her parents are out of town this Saturday, and she invited me to spend the night. Should I be honest and tell her about my situation, potentially leading to embarrassment?

GOOD GOD NO.

Or should I just immitate the gratuitous amounts of porn I’ve watched over the years, definately leading to embarrassment?

Later Alligators,
X

You sure should!

Dear Queerbates,

Sex: Any guidelines for jacking it at work? Under what circumstances is this allowed while at the workplace?

Is anyone in the bathroom? No? Then jerk away, sport. Did someone just enter the bathroom? STOP JERKING IMMEDIATELY, YOU FUCKING WEIRDO.

Football: What incoming rookies do you think will have the most significant fantasy impact?

Thank you,
Someone who needs relief at work

Impossible to know until they’re drafted. But I do know this: they’ll run much faster if you put pubes in their hand.