In addition to being a connoisseur of uncanny offensive formations and philately, I count among my many varied interests the study of ancient cultures. Steeped as we are in modern comforts, we forget the daring achievements of the industrious peoples long abandoned by the blinkered view of the historical community.

One such civilization that has always intrigued me is the Appalatards. I learned much of these people by studying their descendants during my years coaching in Pittsburgh. Truly a form of evolutionary stasis unseen anywhere else around the globe. Of late, I’ve found inspiration in the study of the noble Pahokee people. A warring tribe, they were reputed for their cunning as much as for their tendency to copy battle tactics from college football.

Through painstaking research, I happened upon a salient detail about their battle tactics that has gone overlooked by generations of my colleagues. It seems that when fighting, those of the Pahokee who would normally carry weapons would pass them off to women and children, who would in turn, give them right back to the original warriors. Enemies were so confounded they fell upon their own blades. Naturally, I saw ways that I could incorporate these measures into my football job. Using a controlled environment, I even conducted a few experiments.

But lo, I returned to my work this season to find that Dr. Anthony Sparano of the University of the Miami Dolphins had cribbed my work, disguising it in a wholly different name. “Wildcat”? How utterly implausible. Are we to believe a spirit lynx came to him in a dream and told him to direct snap the ball to Ronnie Brown? All the more maddening was the fact that this drew the accolades of the entire coaching community. It is a sad reality that this kind of plagiarism is rife within the NFL head coach-anthropological set.

I forge ahead with my work nonetheless, confident in the faith that I will receive the recognition I deserve.

Also, it’s really obnoxious when Kurt Warner refuses to acknowledge that the Earth is more than 5,000 years old. That troubles me to no end, but no more so than some of the dim beliefs of Matthew Leinart. That is a man who believes the human male is only able to germinate the female when his hat is twisted to the left. To see the look on his face after he got the news of his girlfriend’s pregnancy is a study in the failures of genetics.