Could you imagine a guy from Harvard trying to play for the Bengals? We don’t have to! Ryan Fitzpatrick, who used to play with the Rams, is a Harvard alum! He’s really smart! He signed a one-year tender offer with Hamilton County Correctional in April, and agreed to keep a running diary through his first Bengals training camp, exclusively for KSK. Here’s the first installment from Ryan’s diary, a unique perspective from behind the scenes of a legitimate NFL franchise!

July 28

Camp started today here in Georgetown, Kentucky. I didn’t join the Bengals until September of last year, so this is actually my first camp with the team. That’s helpful since I have a good assessment of the players around me.

And my assessment is this: I’d rather be the cum rag at a porno shoot than be on this team. My Harvard team was never like this. At Harvard, we treated every teammate like a member of his own family. Even the colored guys. This is no family. Maybe what this team needs is a mom. Not a real mom, but someone like that fat readhead from The Facts Of Life. Man, that was a great show.

This is gonna be a long year.

August 1

Had the intrasquad scrimmage today. The warden said everyone looked good today. Oops, I mean Coach Lewis. I refer to him as the warden when I call home. I guess I could have just scratched that line off.

I guess I played pretty well today, but I’m getting tired of splitting reps with Carson Palmer’s brother. Or gay lover. Do homos share last names? Or just their immunodeficiency viruses? If that faggot ever tries to use my water bottle, we’re gonna have a problem. No wonder Carson’s clothes are so clean.

I miss normal white people.

August 6

Last day of two-a-days today, and you can really tell around here, because Kyle Larson just got shanked in the cafeteria. I told him not to go in there on meatloaf days; those animals just can’t control themselves. Where are the guards in this place? I’m already carrying pepper spray in each hand when I walk through the dorms. Maybe I should get a Taser.

The Warden says I look good. I just want to play football, but I don’t know if I can do it here.

August 11

Just finished our preseason game with Green Bay. Aaron Rodgers told me how much pressure he’s been under this offseason. Whatever. Wait until your offensive line tries to rape you in the shower, Aaron. Try eluding that rush and get back to me. He doesn’t know how good he has it over there. I’d rather live in Green Bay than Cincinnati. I think I’d rather live in Rosie O’Donnell’s ass than Cincinnati.

This place is really starting to get to me.

Thanks, Ryan! Can’t wait to hear more from you as the season continues!