Brandon Marshall seems like a nice enough guy, and he probably has plenty of friends around the league. But after yesterday he might very well be the most popular player in the league amongst his colleagues. Because fuck, who doesn’t love a guy who not only talks back to Joey Porter, but one who undresses the big moufed asshole with such extraordinary precision.

“Joey Porter is one of those guys who, when you’ve got one of those guys that talk a lot of trash and just want to talk about people or put people down, they have their own insecurities. His insecurities, I don’t know, but he’s definitely one of those guys who, you know, all those muscles are popcorn muscles, he’s soft.”

Marshall went on to describe Porter’s bones as being “filled with marzipan” while his cartilage is “nothing but pretzels.” Of course the young wideout wasn’t done yet.

We hear stories floating around the league all the time about him you know, in night clubs dancing with his shirt off like a girl…

Whoa there, Brandon. I know taking your shirt off in the club is a pretty douchetastic move, but please, try to think of the feelings of others who will hear your words. Right now Vince Young is locked in the bathroom crying his eyes out into his Hello Kitty washcloth!

There’s no doing justice to this video, which comes to us via HBO via Deadspin via the video capture wizardry of Awful Announcing. You have to fucking watch it. I’m fucking dying. I wish they hadn’t edited this segment in any way, shape or form. But I’ve taken the liberty of filling in some of the gaps for you.

Jerry: Thank ya, darlin’. Look at that! YEEEEEHAWWWW!!!! THAT IS GOOD, HOT STUFF! ALMOST HOTTER THAN ONE OF MY STEWARDESSES AFTER I’VE DUMPED A WARM DIET PEPSI MAX ALL OVER HER TITS!

Peter King: (stuffing face) Mmmm, yes… so good… helps ease the pain of Brett being so far away…

Jerry: Hey, slow down there, Porkville Eatingcocker! Save a few for the Double-J! Don’t just leave a few unpopped kernels on the bottom of the box. I FUCKING HATE THAT SHIT, YOU FAT JERSEY QUEER!

Peter King: (stuffing face) Can’t stop eating it… gonna write three paragraphs on it and give it an A-… wish it had had juuuust a bit more canola oil… may have to create new “What’s Poppin’?” section in my column…

Jerry: Jesus Christ, you are a disgusting eater. It’s like your mouth is a goddamn compacter. Why don’t you just shove your whole arm down your throat while you’re at it? Look at me, Fatso. I eat three, maybe four kernels at a time. I don’t stuff my mouth like it’s a goddamn UPS box.

Peter King: (stuffing face) Can’t stop eating… wish we could mix some KFC into this bucket… do you have any good scoop for me?… tell me something decent and I’ll never criticize you again…

Jerry: Well, I got this new hat. You like it, fatty?

Peter King: (stuffing face) New hat! (furiously scribbles notes) Great stuff… lemme make a call to my darling Brett and eat more popcorn at the same time… need to tell him how insensitive Jets fans are…

Jerry: Oh, just have it all, Enola Gay. I done lost my appetite. Here’s a Pop Secret for you: YOU ARE ONE BIG GAY ASSHOLE!

Peter King: (stuffing face) Getting bad reception… have to leave to tell Brett about how good the popcorn is…

Jerry: Yeah well, stay slim! Just kidding. YOU HAVE AS MUCH A CHANCE OF STAYING SLIM AS OL’ WADE DOES! NOW GIT OUTTA MY OFFICE, HARVEY MILKSHAKE! YEEHAW WOOHOO I AM FUCKING CRAZY!