Kissing Suzy Kolber » polamalu island

Because Miami and Carolina is Execrable, Let’s Klear Out More of This Kontent

Christmas Ape — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:57:01 +0000

Here’s the NFL Play 60 ad with Breesus, DeMarcus Ware and Troy Polamalu cavorting and capering on the South Lawn of the White House that will air beginning Thanksgiving weekend. C’mon Troy, I know you have a PCL sprain, but you should be able to cover a middle aged socialist Mooslim.

Here’s other NFL marginalia in bullet form.

Cutlerf*cker and Greg Olsen will provide play-by-play for the Week 13 MNF game between Baltimore and Green Bay during a special event at a Chicago bar charging between $150 to $300 a head to attend. What a bargain!

Cutler: I guess the Packers’ line is bad. But I get hit too. Why won’t people recognize that I get hit? I don’t waaaaannnnnnaaaaaaaa get hit.

Olsen: You wanna hit my wife?

Cutler: Again?

Olsen: Ch-yeah.

Cutler: I don’t care. I guess so.

Olsen: HEY! Get in here! Jay says yes!

[Crowd gets what they paid for]

Brad Childress signed an extension to remain the Vikings coach through 2013. Let’s take this opportunity to laugh at Drew until our insides hurt.

Don’t Hate Him For His Long Lustrous Hair

Christmas Ape — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 02:53:38 +0000

This just debuted during the Miami-Florida State game on ESPN.

And, um…

Well…

Y’see…

I liked it better when Troy stuck to bad reimaginings of the Mean Joe Greene Coke ad.

Curses! EA Sports Unveils Its Long-Haired CoverHippies

Christmas Ape — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:07:16 +0000

Electronic Arts tried to keep the new Madden in the conversation for an extra blogcycle a few days ago by claiming that there were nine “finalists” for the cover of the Madden ’10 game (which included Matt Cassel for some reason), when really it turned out to be the duo that the Arizona Republic reported a few weeks back. And yeah yeah, it’s the first time more than one player has appeared on the cover and a plague will befall both these men by the next sunfall. Really, I just wish they’d let you hit people after the play again. But I guess they’re saving that for when they stick Terrell Suggs on the front.

But what special features can we expect with the programmers tailoring the game to these two? Other than extensive hair care ads to be prominently displayed, of course.

POLAMALU:

Crossing yourself after every play

Michael Jackson voice acting!

30 hours of playable crazy off-season workouts with Marv Marinovich

Hair tackling (Larry Johnson only)

Lava rock toss-tackling

FITZGERALD:

Special “stay objective while covering your son in the Super Bowl” journalistic mini-game (PRESS THE ETHICS HIT-STICK!)

Girlfriend punching now a main component of franchise mode

Player contracts can be negotiated with crackers

What Mysteries Lurk Within a Jungle Deep

Christmas Ape — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 20:14:51 +0000

[The sound of volcanoes exploding in the distance blends with the cawing of exotic birds and the howls of unidentifiable beasts. A few long-haired wild men swing from the trees, dropping into sight only to snag lava rocks just before they hit the ground]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI WILDERNESS UNTOUCHED BY MAN

THANKS FOR BRINGING ME TO YOUR ISLAND, TROY. EVER SINCE SOME KID POINTED A LIGHT GUN AT ME AT THE GAMESTOP, I DON’T FEEL SAFE! GOTTA FIND BODYGUARD IN YOUR VERSION OF THE SAVAGE LAND! CAN IT BE SAURON?

Troy Polamalu: [Mutters something softly about Jesus]

Ben: THE JEEBUS MAY WORK FOR YOU, BUT THE JEEBUS DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT TIES!

Troy: [Complains softly about the NFL's increasingly stringent policy on hits]

Ben: BEN NO PANSY! JUST NEED FEEL SAFE WHEN OUT IN PUBLIC

[Dense jungle brush flies open]

Samoan Warrior: UUUUNNNNNNNGGGGGGGAAAAAAAA!!!!!

Ben: HALP! [Runs behind Troy]

[Troy and the warrior exchange flying headbutts, get up, stare at each other uneasily, then shake hands.]

Troy: He’ll be your bodyguard now.

Ben: BEN HAS BODYGUARD NOW! CAN BE JUST LIKE PACMAN! OH BEN GONE DRANK! BEN GONE DRANK 10 RED BULLS AND STAY UP PLAYING FALLOUT 3! HARF HARF HARF