Day two of Wild Card weekend opens with two AFC teams fond of employing gimmick plays and crazed linebackers. If the teams can negotiate a playing field draped in shoes, it’s to their credit.

Of course, it’s a homecoming of sorts for the Ravens, since half their starters went to the U. Okay, just McGahee, Ray-Ray and Ed Reed, otherwise known as the only Ravens anyone gives a shit about (except Bawlmer fans – they love their Matt Stover! That and McGahee sucks).

So join us in some retarded commentary. Otherwise

THAT’S DISRESPECT!

And Peezy ain’t havin’ that.

YOU CAN’T BEAT PEYTON WITH LONG HAIR! HE’S LIKE SAMSON! Well, after the first day of playoff games, in which the Colts are one-and-done yet again, Edgerrin James and Mike Scifres are quixotically your two standout performers. Yes, the two division winners from the weakest divisions beat out two Wild Card teams fawned over by the media in startlingly entertaining contests. We can only hope Sunday offers similar treasures.

Thanks NBC for the total paucity of crowd shots in the opening game. And for “Ice, Ice Baby” vignette with Matty Ice.

Mike Ryan, who Matty Ice appearently ruined for life in a car accident, was on hand to watch his brother’s rookie year humbling. And show as little emotion as possible while doing so. C’MON CLAP OR SOMETHING MIKEY ICE!

That taint tackle: it is brutal in its efficiency. And unfortunate bruises.

“Hey, you Cardinals break up the sodomy fest. Don’t me get the hose. Or sock you in the marbles. Or get Leitch to gently massage them.”

Marmalard is ever the generous resource of ridiculous facial mannerisms and this was the best of the night. Which is why we’re enjoying the douche for at least one more week.

Oh San Diego, you are a fine repository of impossibly bosomed cheerleaders. We’ll miss you when you’re gone.

Kurt Warner makes his savior-approved return to the prayoffs playoffs, while Matt Ryan makes his debut. I wonder even during a playoff game what the percentage of Cardinals fans will be in the Pink Taco? 55 percent? Expect copious clips of the ‘47 Chicago Cardinals squad.

Kurt better get shine on as the league’s most devout QB in now, because once Tim Tebow comes to town next year, it’s gonna be a messy Lord-off between the two of them for most overt, discomfiting displays of faith. I think the young guy can take him.

And if I can’t have Tramp Stamp Buzzsaw Girl, Face Paint Buzzsaw Girls will serve as a fine proxy. Let it be so!