Tebow played well. Or the Steelers defense was extra sh*tty. I’m inclined the say the former. The Steelers stacked the box and dared his holiness to throw deep and, with the help of Demaryius Thomas batting off Ike Taylor in coverage, he was able to do just that. Once Pittsburgh tied it late, I expected the Broncos to grind out an overtime drive that would end in a record-setting 70-yard overtime field goal by Matt Prater, only for Shaun Suisham to miss on a 30-yard potential tying kick. This was a lot quicker, at least.

[Bombarded by "Tebow 3:16 passed for 316 yards" messages as proof that God hates me]

Kind of a shame that Tebow was actually effective, because there was so much to hate about Phil Simms’ covering for the mistakes Tebow did make. Here’s Simms’ flagrant fluffing over Timmy being inaccurate in the first quarter, calling a clear misfire a “good throwaway”.

The Broncos advance to play New England, who Denver will likely lose to by 30 once again. The AFC divisional playoffs are going to be unwatchable blowouts, but at least the media will have a lot to gush about in the run-up to them. So that’s nice. Maybe Prater can do another of his deflections off the crossbar that lands on the 20. It’ll be his way of parting rubes from their dollars and women from their panties in his post-NFL life.

Because the Texans and Ravens got stomped yesterday, with a win tonight the Steelers can assume the top seed in the AFC with two games left against the Rams and Browns. Too bad the yinzers are without Maurkice Pouncey due to injury, James Harrison due to other people’s injuries and with a gimpy Graydick on the road against a 10-win team fighting for the possibility of its own playoff bye. Speaking of THE BEN, its his first-ever start in San Francisco, which Peter King might find INTERESTING because Roethlisberger grew up as a 49ers fan, just as any bandwagon hopper in Findlay, Ohio in the ’80s would be.

Our live blog last week was easily the most enthralling of the season, so I have little doubt the follow-up will be an inevitable 9-6 derpfest. At least you dear readers will get to mock your live blog moderating homer endlessly when the Steelers finish with 120 total yards on offense.

[In case you're curious about the live blog banner image]

The quarterback-deficient Chiefs were able to claim Kyle Orton off waivers last Wednesday, but they’re probably wise to not play him against the Steelers defense on four days of preparation with a new offense. No need to rush since the AFC West champ will most likely be 7-9 anyway. So it falls to Tyler Palko to once again spend a primetime game not throwing passes further than five yards. What fun!

Anyway, be sure to take a look at the chart above (click to embiggen). The fallout of the Tom Brady injury in 2008 was as tragic as the crippling was beautiful. It gave rise to Josh McDaniels as a viable head coach and, worst of all, sowed the seeds of Tebowmania. It very nearly almost makes me start to maybe think of possibly not enjoying Bernard Pollard taking out Dreamboat quite as much. Except not at all. Nothing ever comes easy, so why should glorious Greatriot knee shredding be any different?

[via]

For the second consecutive year, the Steelers play on the Monday night that the new Call of Duty game is released, which is less a coincidence in reality than it is on KSK, where Ben Roethlisberger’s KSKharacter is consumed with a single-minded obsession for the video game series. It’s really a shame that Ben isn’t openly a fan of CoD in real life. Treyarch was willing to let one famous athlete accused of rape in the commercial. What’s one more?

At least Roethlisberger might have enough sense to snipe Kimmel.

If you need some cheap manufactured drama for what is otherwise a barely interesting showdown of AFC North teams, remember that Chad Ochocinco in the off-season called the Steelers a “team of girls.” OOOHHH SNAPTACULAR! FEEL THE BURNINATION!

That probably didn’t do much to keep you glued in before Conan’s new show debuts at 11, so here are Peter King and Roger Goodell pictured today donning bibs and eating Skyline Chili. The key, dear commissioner, is nutmeg. Always nutmeg.

Oh, and here’s my Designed Rush feature at SB Nation, in case you haven’t gotten enough blather about Wade Phillips getting and gifs of Eagles fans flipping out.

Your new nickname is KUSHCOCK. Santonio Holmes will be riding out his fresh four game suspension in New York, home of the nation’s premier sour diesel delivery services. The Steelers wanted to dump their former Super Bowl MVP and avid baker, and the Jets were happy to part with a 5th round pick to acquire the “troubled” (read: stoned) wide receiver. While Holmes will only be able to participate in 12 regular season games, he’ll be free to spend training camp with his new teammates. Somewhere HBO executives are grinning just like Santonio does while he’s watching Puppy Plays the Classics on HBO Family at 3 am. [ESPN]

Update: The Steelers were prepared to cut Holmes outright, so they’re probably happy to have gotten anything.

That goes out to all you people playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare online.

(thanks to A.J.)

The NFL is a fraternity! A fraternity of men! Men that do quasi-homosexual things and then pelt outsiders with slurs of disdain! This is the concept of “fraternity” that passed through my string bean of a mind when I saw Steelers defensive back Ike Taylor mutter something to Dolphins quarterback Pat White, who was strapped to a cart being driven off the field at Land Shark Stadium Sunday. So what did Ike say to him? Here are a few good guesses:

“Welcome to the NFL.”

“I guess you won’t be going out with us after the game for nachos.”

“What did you think of Avatar? Was the message of environmentalism too heavy-handed?”

“Do these yellow pants make me look fat?”

“How close are we to Orlando?”

“Do you know Jimmy Buffet? Did he actually invent the dinner buffet?”

“Have you heard the new Lady Gaga single? Artistically, it has a lot of merit.”

“I’m not touching you…I’m not touching you…”

“They should let me drive the cart. After all, I’m the one that knocked yo’ ass out.”

“Someday we’re both gonna look back on this and laugh. Well, I will…”

“Good thing I started Jim Sorgi in fantasy this week instead of you.”

Yours in the comments. Read the rest of this entry »

Hypocycloids shaved into the back of your head AND yellow camo? NO! We’re supposed to make fun of THEM for that! It almost ruins the effect of Ravens fans becoming towel spinning tards for a night.

My little adventure in being a pretend journalist for another day was a pointless exercise in self-denial and disturbing amounts of sobriety. The press box may offer a nice view of the field, Internet access and free deli sandwiches for fat writers, BUT IT IS NO LIFE FOR ME! I require screaming, booze, hateful epithets and copious taunting. Sure, it recalled to me my stodgy days in “J-SCHOOL” but that’s before I broke through to the “NU-SKOOL” of blogging. So in the future, I will continue enjoying my football far from the glitterati of the media, where I can make my dick jokes and drink my gutter liquor without concern of violating some cockamamie idea of professionalism. Also, I passed Bob Costas in the hallway without Falcon Punching him. I’ll understand if you think me a sell out.

But I did get to ask Mike Tomlin a stupid question and see Hines cry in the locker room. Totes worth it!

Wooo, Sunday Night Football! Oh wait, Steelers-Ravens? Can I downgrade that “Wooo” to a “Meh”?

Yes, it’s Pittsburgh versus Baltimore in the race for second place in the AFC North. The Steelers are without Ben Roethlisberger, backup QB Charlie Batch, and Head & Shoulders spokesmodel Troy Polamalu. In place of Roethlis-Batch will be rookie fifth-round draft pick and former Oregon Duck Dennis Dixon, who — as Cris Collinsworth will tell you several times tonight — has only thrown one pass in the NFL until now.

Thus, in order for the game to stay interesting tonight, we’ll need to cull all the hate these two teams inspire. I hate the Steelers. Christmas Ape hates the Ravens. Ravens fans hate Christmas Ape. Ed Reed hates not throwing laterals. 21st century industry hates both cities. And EVERYONE hates Ray Lewis.  HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE!!!!!!!!!!

What a blessed day this is, NFL fans.  After years of waiting, we finally have a go-to Steelers picture to replace the morbidly obese Steelers chick.  This dog is aroused. Even our own Christmas Ape is re-thinking his cat person status.

I love everything about this dog.  It’s like James Harrison, but less likely to punch his girlfriend in the face.  Fun fact: You can actually take Steelers poodle and the poodle horse –

– and recreate Joey Porter’s dog killing the miniature horse.  It’s like a metaphor or something.

Bonus insanity:

(Photographs: Ron Netherland at the Daily Mail. Also seen at Buzzfeed and psamp.)