While the Ravens are still the undisputed champions of blaming the referees for their losses (see defeats against Cincinnati and Atlanta for this season’s examples), the Steelers have been shrill on an almost Ratbird-like level in recent weeks when it comes to the way they perceive James Harrison has been picked on by the NFL. Silverback (or Deebo, depending on your nickname preference) has been hit with $125,000 in fines for hits he has delivered this season to quarterbacks and receivers. Some of the fines and penalties have been deserved, while others have been highly questionable.
Surely, Harrison has not been the only one who has run afoul of the NFL’s incredible inconsistency when it comes to enforcing hits on “defenseless” receivers and quarterbacks. In fact, none other than Ravens linebackers Ray Lewis and Terrell Suggs have voiced support with Harrison, which is far more of an understanding than I like to see between Ravens and Steelers players. Suggs even went as far to say that the NFL plays favorites and gives preferential treatment to Uggboy and Fetushead, to which a resounding DOYYYYYY was heard from the nation in response.
In rare matters unrelated to flags and fines, the Ravens, for the second straight home game against the Steelers, are opting to distribute thousands upon thousands of rally towels to the purple camo-clad Bawlmer tardwits. Because of course Ravens fans wholly embrace the idea of fans twirling towels as a means of rooting on their team. Then again, anything free and capable of swaddling crack babies is greatly appreciated, hon.
Not all of us get to root for the meteor. There have to be annoying people to fill the bandwagons struck by the meteors to make the destruction enjoyable, do there not? I do this for your future schadenfreude-fueled enjoyment.
Anyway, the Greatriots visit Pittsburgh for the right to be tied with the Jets for the best record in the AFC. The Patriots got rolled last week in Cleveland, but the Browns almost beat the Jets today. But the Jets almost lost to the Lions last week. Also, the Browns beat the Saints. And the Saints beat the Steelers. Not to mention that the Patriots beat the Ravens. And the Ravens beat the Steelers. But the Ravens beat the Jets. And the Jets beat the Patriots.
Trying to pinpoint a favorite this season is an ordeal. And yeah I know trying to base superiority on results vs. common opponents is pretty dumb, but it was illustrative of my point and besides idiots do it all the time.
“In the water-logged corner, wearing the Fleur-de-lis trunks and the creepy birthmark, Breesus “El Saaaavior” Christ.
In the bathroom stall corner, wearing the hypocycloid trunks with Choco Taco stains, the allegedly evil Benzlebub Roethlisberger.”
This match-up of the two previous Super Bowl champions would have been that much more enticing had New Orleans not spent the last month losing to Arizona and Cleveland. Nevertheless, it beats the hell out of Jacksonville and Tennessee as far as prime time games go. I fully expect the Saints to revert to 2009 championship form following an embarrassing loss to the Browns. So that should be fun, plus we all know a Saints fan will be caught on camera with a wildly inappropriate costume making fun of The Ben.
Speaking of, the Steelers’ last three weeks have been rife with controversy, what with Roethlisberger returning from suspension, James Harrison being singled out as the dirtiest player ever and the Gene Steratore making a bad initial touchdown signal in Miami. All three have helped to stoke Steelers hatred to near-record heights, but it’s the last one that has given comfort and fodder to the myriad conspiracy theorists who populate the dark, musty corners of the Intarwebs.
My favorite such rant by far came from mush-mouthed Philadelphian “master brain” jkallih:
In addition to wearing what might be the most outstanding torn-off sleeveless white T-shirt with a scrawled-on deranged message ever, he makes the following hilariously f*cktarded claims:
- He Googled “Pittsburgh Steelers controversial calls” and got 344,000 results. He therefore concludes the Steelers have been the beneficiaries of 344,000 controversial calls.
- All NFL referees are related to the Rooney family. More specifically, they are all nephews of Dan Rooney. I, for one, can’t wait for the story of Mike Carey’s conception.
- The Philadelphia Eagles are a class organization and have classy fans.
- A sepia colored upside-down picture of his ass is presented for kissing in lieu of his actual ass, because the genuine article would bring the hoes running.
- Only people who like fixed football games put French fries on sandwiches.
It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the AFC North, the festering den of iniquity that is home to murderers, rapists, abusers, drunk drivers, drunk kickers, drug addicts, tardwit reality show wide receivers and worst of all, the Cleveland Browns.
It was then that the Beagle Boys kniferaped Magica De Spell and dropped her from the back of a moving truck.
Key Additions: Anquan Boldin, Donte Stallworth, Walt Harris, Shayne Graham, Marc Bulger
Key Departures: Kelley Washington, Samari Rolle, Adam Terry
Known Miscreants: Ray Lewis (murder snitching on friends to plea bargain down to obstruction of justice charge), Donte Stallworth (reigning Death Race 2000 champion), Fabian Washington (domestic assault), Terrell Suggs (woman bleaching), Willis McGahee (Antonio Cromartie syndrome)
Five Fast Facts About The Ravens:
- Sergio Kindle’s fall and resulting injury earlier in training camp was blamed on his narcolepsy. Ravens fans were aware that referees could induce that in people.
- The enduring lesson of Donte Stallworth’s vehicular homicide: if you act halfway remorseful, the public and the media will completely forgive you. Or, in the case of Leonard Little, you can not give a shit and the public and the media will mostly ignore it.
- WERE YOU AWARE?: Of the 19 active quarterbacks with more than one start in the playoffs, Joe Flacco has by far the worst postseason passer rating (in five starts, he has 1 TD and 6 INTs for a rating of 46.5). The next highest is Mark Brunell (11 appearances, 66.3 rating) who still has a rating nearly 20 point higher. Also ahead on the list: Rex Grossman, Michael Vick, Chad Pennington and Ravens back-up Marc Bulger (so that’s why they got him). BUT HEY JOE COOL IS THE PIZZA HUT OF MARYLAND SPOKESBROW FOR THE SECOND YEAR RUNNING!
- Ray Rice’s father was killed by a drive-by shooting when the running back was only a year old. His uncle helped to raise him until he was killed by a drunk driver in 1998. Man, Ray Rice must have such great admiration for his teammates.
- Haloti Ngata gave Terrence Cody the nickname “cheeseburger” during training camp. As they say, you are what you eat 39 of in any given sitting.
Over/Under For 2010: 10 wins
Verdict: OVER
Their secondary isn’t good even when it’s healthy, and it’s definitely not healthy right now. Nevertheless, the Ravens are pretty stacked everywhere else. Granted, Joe Flacco can’t play for shit in big games, but then that won’t come into play until they reach the playoffs, which shouldn’t be much of a problem for the Ratbirds this year. Though it is amusing that, after losing close games last year because of a lack of clutch kicking, that they would consider Shayne “The Ginger Nate Kaeding” Graham a possible answer.
CINCINNATI BENGALS
Key Additions: Terrell Owens, Pacman Jones, Mike Nugent, Antonio Bryant, Matt Jones
Key Departures: Laveranues Coles, Shayne Graham
Known Miscreants: Pacman Jones (womb raiding), Matt Jones (being a cocaine cowboy, Rey Maualuga (DUI with underage girls in the car – the best kind!), Cedric Benson (waitress assault), Tank Johnson (munitions hoarding)
Five Fast Facts About The Bengals:
- Experts say the emergence of Bernard Scott is expected provide some relief to Cedric Benson’s huge share of carries this season. No word on how much of Benson’s arrest commitments he’ll be taking on.
- Pacman say hey da HughesNet bitch stop paradin yo fine azz round my TV. You older, but not too old that Pacman don slip it in dat USB slot. That stand for pUSsyBitch. Pacman not carin if that don make sense. YOU NO STOP HE SHINE.
- The anemic quarterbacking done by J.T. O’Sullivan in the ante-season will not be a blot on his escutcheon. If anything, coaches appreciate his efforts to ease pressure on Good Sir Palmer that his station could be imperiled by a son of Eyre.
- Bengals fans two years ago bought up billboards threatening to “protest” the team until Mike Brown hired a GM that wasn’t himself. Brown responded by… doing nothing. Of course, the team started winning anyway, so the fairweather Cincy folk forgot all about it. Which is pretty much how all fan protests go.
- Let’s hope Maurice Purify isn’t taking his last name as a life mission, or he has quite a task ahead of him with the Bengals.
Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins
Verdict: OVER
The Bengals played like dogshit down the stretch in 2009, mostly as a result of a inability to pass the ball. To resolve that issue, they did the usual Bengal thing and picked up a bunch of inexpensive retreads that no one else wanted: T.O., Matt Jones and Antonio Bryant. T.O. should be a decent improvement over Laveranues Coles, who was generally useless last season. First-round pick Jermaine Gresham has looked pretty good in preseason, so maybe he’ll be a good receiving option at tight end this year. Nevertheless, the pass blocking is still horrid and the team still has f*cknuts Bob Bratkowski calling plays. And Carson Palmer has shown that he isn’t good enough to compensate for those for those deficiencies. Again, the defense and the running game will have to carry this team, except now they play with a 1st place schedule and the Bengals will be hard-pressed to sweep both the Ravens and Steelers again this season. They won’t finish under .500, but they’re not going back to the playoffs either.
CLEVELAND BROWNS
Sensing the obvious, the Browns didn’t even bother to print Jake Delhomme jerseys. Ever resourceful Cleveland fans adapt. via.
Key Additions: Jake Delhomme, Bobby Engram, Benjamin Watson, Seneca Wallace, Scott Fujita, Sheldon Brown, Colt McCoy
Known Miscreants: Shaun Rogers (airline firearm supply), Brandon McDonald (future T.O. rapist), Colt McCoy (too wholesome), Joe Thomas (fishing without a license)
Five Fast Facts About The Browns:
- Shaun Rogers tried to rehab his image after bringing a loaded gun onto an airplane by ratting out a drunk driver to the police. Mario Reyes appreciates the timing, asshole.
- As referenced above, corner Brandon McDonald threatened over Twitter that he and the Browns secondary are going to “run a train” on Terrell Owens. Usually not a fan of prison rape, T.O.’s talks with his Bengals teammates have convinced him otherwise.
- DAWWWWWWWWW WHERE’D STEVE SMITH GO?
- Joshua Cribbs spent his wife’s birthday at a Playboy Golf event, then took her to Roscoe’s House of Chicken and Waffles for dinner. This automatically puts him in the top 4 percentile of NFL player husbands.
- In a recent interview with GQ, Scott Fujita referred to former teammate Garrett Hartley as a “fat punk kicker.” Asked for a response, Hartley said he refused to lower himself to those Jap tactics.
Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins
Verdict: UNDER
I was briefly tempted to be generous and give them the over, but then I peeked at Cleveland’s schedule. After two winnable games against the Bucs and Chiefs, they have to run this seven-game gauntlet: @Ravens, Bengals, Falcons, @Steelers (this will most likely be the game Roethlisberger returns), Saints, Patriots, Jets. I seriously doubt that the Browns are going to win any of those games, meaning Cleveland will likely be 2-7 or 1-8 after nine games. Most likely, that means it’s “let’s give Colt McCoy a shot” time, with a trip to Miami, and rematches with the Bengals, Ravens and Steelers remaining. So yeah, sorry, no six wins for you guys.
Known Miscreants: Ben Roethlisberger (alleged bathroom bad touch), Jeff Reed (bathroom bad touch on towel dispenser), James Harrison (domestic assault)
Five Fast Facts About The Steelers:
- Threatened by the arrival of Flozell Adams, Hines Ward has been forced to slash the prices on his cheap shots.
- Dennis Dixon would be getting a chance to start during Ben Roethlisberger’s suspension, but instead the team is purposefully stifling his development because they don’t want to risk him showing up the quarterback that they tried to trade before the draft. Luckily, I am first person to formulate this not-at-all retarded theory for why Byron Leftwich will likely start Week 1.
/checks PFT
SHIT!!!!!!!
- Mike Wallace has some large vaginas to fill with the departure of Santonio Holmes.
- Even if it’s a year late, Troy Polamalu appreciates that the Madden Curse has finally caught up with Larry Fitzgerald.
- Despite the fact that he was injured months ago and will miss the entire 2010 season, Limas Sweed will still find a way to cost the Steelers a win this year. Mark my words.
Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins
Verdict: PUSH
After the offseason that just transpired, there’s absolutely no outcome to this season that would surprise me. On one hand, the Steelers tend to do better when expectations aren’t astronomically high, and they have Troy Polamalu, Aaron Smith and Bryant McFadden (starting in place of shitty ass Purple Jesus-stompee William Gay) back on what should be a damn good defense. On the other hand, their most talented receiver was traded away for nothing (DON’T SLEEP ON MIKE WALLACE MOTHERFUCKAS!), they have goddamn slow-footed cheap-shotting penalty magnet Flozell Adams starting at right tackle and who knows how Roethlisberger is going to respond once he’s reinstated. With all that in mind, I’ll keep the homerism at bay and keep it at a push.
Today NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell informed Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger that he has been suspended for six games for violating the law being a big jerk. Reportedly the suspension may be reduced to four games, provided Roethlisberger meets certain league-mandated conditions. KSK consulted its inside sources and came up with what is believed to be a comprehensive list of the prerequisites for Big Ben’s reinstatement:
Ixnay on the Aperay
From now on, DTF stands for “Don’t Touch, Fella”
Only round of shots he’s permitted to buy are feline distemper shots at the Milledgeville Humane Society
LOOKS LIKE CHICAGO POISONED THE WRONG STEELERS FAN. From Joey Porter to James Harrison now to local rube William Woodson, the Steelers shameful legacy of pit bull abuse continues. Forget Gay Zorro, trade for Vick! Woodson stomped his girlfriend’s puppy to death because it wouldn’t pipe down prior to the loss to the Chiefs. In a society that believed in creative punishment, we’d let Peezy and Deebo sic their savage killer dogs on him and turn him into so much kibble. Instead, he’ll probably just get raped in prison. Just not the same zing, you know?
Also, some guy in a Steelers jacket showed up at a Sarah Palin rally in Columbus, OH (:35 second mark) lisping something about her being the eepitome of conthssssservativenssssth. WE SHOULD LET HER COACH SSSTHPECIAL TEAMSSSTH!
They wrote books you probably didn’t buy. They like teams you probably don’t like. They’re gormless lazy fapwits who spend many days without pants formulating idiotic one-note caricatures of football players and coaches, all who yell and cuss a lot. It sometimes reaches a kind of crude brilliance, but mostly it doesn’t. But now their teams face one another in regular season battle reeking of quasi-LeBronish import. IT’S A FIVE-THROWGASM GAME! [Quick aside: I will be at this game because, unlike Drew, I don't rely on Gawker (which has its head so far up the ass of some midlevel ESPN employee that no cares about - much better than getting a flight booked correctly) for getting around]. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
Contestants
Big Fatty Drew_____________________________Michael “Christmas Rape” Poonison
Which team do they constantly fluff without regard to anyone’s actual interest?
Minnesota Favreholes____________________________Pittsburgh Omigod They Only Win Because of the Refs
Player he’s totally gay for who just so happens to be leading the NFL in rushing or receiving yards
Purple Jesus___________________________Numbell one smaltest smirretime leceivel and steleotype
Because if they win the media slathers Favre ejaculate on your face and hair_________THE RESULTING YINZER CELEBRATION! WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM BOM BOM BOM BOM
Quick shorthand mocking points
Fat, craps on towels, fat, eats breadwiches, wears salmon polos, roots for Favre, fat_________Lives alone with cat, has Fathead on wall, owns alternate gray jersey, possibly too handsome
Character flaws you may not know about
Wanton attention whore, hangs on Simmons’ every written word___________Picks protracted fights with only the most retarded commenters
Jeff Reed has once again reinforced his rock-solid reputation as douche of the drunkenist order by getting a police citation yesterday after the Steelers win at home against Cleveland. But this time it was really 10-foot-tall blocking deficient backup tight end Matt Spaeth who initiated the problems by having cops catch him peeing on an SUV.
The officer went to Mr. Spaeth to issue a citation when, police said, the Steelers kicker got out of the vehicle.
He refused to get back into the vehicle, which was driven by his father. Instead, Mr. Reed put up his fists and got “into a fighters stance,” according to a police affidavit.
The confrontation was swift as one officer put Mr. Reed in an arm lock while a second officer forced him to the ground.
Nicely done, Skip. I bet Daniel Sepulveda would have at least gotten a punch off.
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