Kissing Suzy Kolber » picksburgh stillers

Christmas Ape — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 19:23:19 +0000

LOOKS LIKE CHICAGO POISONED THE WRONG STEELERS FAN. From Joey Porter to James Harrison now to local rube William Woodson, the Steelers shameful legacy of pit bull abuse continues. Forget Gay Zorro, trade for Vick! Woodson stomped his girlfriend’s puppy to death because it wouldn’t pipe down prior to the loss to the Chiefs. In a society that believed in creative punishment, we’d let Peezy and Deebo sic their savage killer dogs on him and turn him into so much kibble. Instead, he’ll probably just get raped in prison. Just not the same zing, you know?

Also, some guy in a Steelers jacket showed up at a Sarah Palin rally in Columbus, OH (:35 second mark) lisping something about her being the eepitome of conthssssservativenssssth. WE SHOULD LET HER COACH SSSTHPECIAL TEAMSSSTH!

Authors Who Write Stupid Dick Joke Laden Guide Books About Sports. WHO YA GOT?

Christmas Ape — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 12:10:32 +0000

They wrote books you probably didn’t buy. They like teams you probably don’t like. They’re gormless lazy fapwits who spend many days without pants formulating idiotic one-note caricatures of football players and coaches, all who yell and cuss a lot. It sometimes reaches a kind of crude brilliance, but mostly it doesn’t. But now their teams face one another in regular season battle reeking of quasi-LeBronish import. IT’S A FIVE-THROWGASM GAME! [Quick aside: I will be at this game because, unlike Drew, I don't rely on Gawker (which has its head so far up the ass of some midlevel ESPN employee that no cares about - much better than getting a flight booked correctly) for getting around]. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Big Fatty Drew_____________________________Michael “Christmas Rape” Poonison

Which team do they constantly fluff without regard to anyone’s actual interest?

Minnesota Favreholes____________________________Pittsburgh Omigod They Only Win Because of the Refs

Player he’s totally gay for who just so happens to be leading the NFL in rushing or receiving yards

Purple Jesus___________________________Numbell one smaltest smirretime leceivel and steleotype

Retarded Vikes “When I Come Around” Spoof That Makes Drew Run Through a Goddamn Brick Wall

Why do you long for their team to lose?

Because if they win the media slathers Favre ejaculate on your face and hair_________THE RESULTING YINZER CELEBRATION! WE’RE FROM THE TOWN WITH THE GREAT FOOTBALL TEAM BOM BOM BOM BOM

Quick shorthand mocking points

Fat, craps on towels, fat, eats breadwiches, wears salmon polos, roots for Favre, fat_________Lives alone with cat, has Fathead on wall, owns alternate gray jersey, possibly too handsome

Character flaws you may not know about

Wanton attention whore, hangs on Simmons’ every written word___________Picks protracted fights with only the most retarded commenters

Whose was the second huge black cock he ever saw?

Visante Shiancoe_________________________________Santonio Holmes

Let’s see someone bash their stupid book

“This is what I call a complete waste of time and money“______”easily the worst book I had read in my life”

Finishing move

Passing off Simpsons quotes as original humor_____________________Reciting the next line in the episode

O’Skippy’s Haymakers Fail to Impress Constable

Christmas Ape — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 19:21:14 +0000

Jeff Reed has once again reinforced his rock-solid reputation as douche of the drunkenist order by getting a police citation yesterday after the Steelers win at home against Cleveland. But this time it was really 10-foot-tall blocking deficient backup tight end Matt Spaeth who initiated the problems by having cops catch him peeing on an SUV.

Skippy only made things bad for himself when he [premature facepalm] unimpressively tried to challenge the officers to a bit o’ the fisticuffs.

The officer went to Mr. Spaeth to issue a citation when, police said, the Steelers kicker got out of the vehicle.

He refused to get back into the vehicle, which was driven by his father. Instead, Mr. Reed put up his fists and got “into a fighters stance,” according to a police affidavit.

The confrontation was swift as one officer put Mr. Reed in an arm lock while a second officer forced him to the ground.

Nicely done, Skip. I bet Daniel Sepulveda would have at least gotten a punch off.

Comebacks Are Betta When You Ask Somebodddddaaaayyy About It

Christmas Ape — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 00:06:05 +0000

This season the Dick/turd Feelers are letting every QB on the planet drive on their defense for winning scores. They let The Incredible Sulk, Jay Cutlerfu*ker do it, they allowed Cornhole Palmer to do it, then deepthroat hot dogs at them in derision. They look at me and say “you violated me in the last minute with your eyes, you did it with your eyes.”

NOW COMES THE LASERFACE TROIKA! THAT’S RUSSIAN FOR “THIRD STRAIGHT DICK KICKING”! YOU ESCAPED THE MARMALARD REVENGE/COACHING KILL TOUR LAST YEAR! YOU WON’T BE SO FORTUNATE NOW!

And this is how I’m gonna do it.

…

Ahem!

PLAY ME ON, DOUBLE-L COOL NEGRO!

L.L. Cool J: That’s when Philip Rivers goes all LAST MINUTE TD DRIVE

Yeah. Be more quick about that next time. See, my super soldiers are gonna let you feel good about yourself and have a lead most of the game, maybe even let you pin us inside our 10 inside two minutes while behind four points. THAT’S WHEN A COILED LASERFACE STRIKES! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? ANOTHER CRUSHING LOSS FOR THE SUPER BOWL CRAMPS!!

1st and 10 from own 3 (1:49 remaining) — Fake hand-off to LaToeInjury and kick him in the back of the knee as he runs past, complete 16-yard pass over the middle to Gates

1st and 10 from own 19 (1:34 remaining) — Throw up middle finger at all the retard yinzers, penalized half the distance to the goal

1st and 20 from own 10 (1:34 remaining) — Spike the ball ’cause I don’t give a fuck

2nd and 20 from own 10 (1:32 remaining) — Distract James Harrison by tell him his girlfriend is getting uppity, hit Vincent Jackson down the seam for 45 yards. Call timeout with my cock.

1st and 10 from Steelers 45 (1: 20 remaining) — Mistaken listen to Norv and hand ball to LaToeInjury. Recover his fumble in the backfield while landing on Steeler linebacker’s knee. Clock runs.

2nd and 15 from 50. (One minute remaining) — Take knee for sport.

3rd and 17 from own 47 (:30 remaining) — Norv predictably says run Tiny Darren up the gut. Knee him in his own gut. Execute epic float that hangs in the air long enough for Polamalu to get well and run back onto the field. Drag him down by his bitchy hair and snag float myself for touchdown that I spike on Mike Tomlin’s glasses.

Skip out of town, only after putting one in the pink. THAT’S THE PINK FOUNTAIN, REPROBATE SCUM!

Then I unrape all the girls Ben has given the retard seed to! All I need is some Jonas Brothers records and Chargers jerseys! But not the body paint harlot! Unpure thoughts hand beneath the sky blue!

AW GAWD, STONE BEN! STONE BEN! STONE BEN!

Christmas Ape — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:07:09 +0000

BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR MUST PREPARE

PLAY HOSTMAN TO WEEKNIGHT WRESTLEFEST RAW IS WARZONE

SPEND ALL DAY AND NIGHT PERFECTING DEVASTING PUMP FAKE OF DEATH

Mike Tomlin: I think that’s “a bad idea”, Ben

Ben Mysterio Jr.: MAYBE IF YOU IS SUPERSTAR QUARTERBACK GUY, THE BEN! BUT I AM SUPERSTAR WRESTLE-GRAPPLER GUY, BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR.

BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR DOES NOT KNOW OF FEAR OR BAD IDEAS OR HOT READS WHEN THE BLITZ IS COMING

Mike Tomlin: Everyone knows that “is an assumed identity” and that “you are really Ben Roethlisberger”

Ben Mysterio Jr.: [Slightly lower voice] NOT SO LOUD! YOU IS BLOWING THE BEN’S COVER, COACH.

Mike Tomlin: Remember, we have “lost our last two games” and face “a difficult opponent on Sunday.” Losing this game could “endanger our season.”

Furthermore, the “last thing” we need is “another pointless distraction”.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: DANGER? WHAT IS DANGER OF WHICH YOU IS TALKING?

THERE IS NO DANGER WHEN BEN IS ACCOMPANIED BY TAG TEAM BUDDY MAN, LIMAS GREED!

HE IS FORMER BAD GUY, ONCE ONLY INTERESTED IN MONEY, BUT BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR TALK TO HIM AND CONVINCE HIM TO TURN FACE

TOGETHER WE IS THE PEW CREW!

YOU TELL HIM, LIMAS GREED!

Limas Greed: [Drops microphone, fakes injury]

HE NOT GOOD ON THE MIC, BUT VERY PROFICIENT TECHNICAL WRASSLER

TOGETHER, WE HAVE AWESOME FINISHER. I PUMP FAKE 18 TIMES, THROW WRASSLER AT HIM, HE MISSES WRASSLER AND WRASSLER CRASHES INTO EXPOSED CONCRETE FLOOR

THEN A QUICK COVER 1,2…

[Processes]

[Processes]

NUMBER AFTER 2! BELL RING! THE PEW CREW WIN AGAIN! TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOOORRRRRLLLLLLDDDD!

Mike Tomlin: Don’t think I won’t replace your goofy white ass with “Dennis Dixon”

Christmas Ape — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 23:19:15 +0000

STAMPY WANTS TO GET ALL STAMPY AGAIN. He’s off the Patron, but he’s keeping the same angry drunk attitude. LenDale White, last seen not winning a postseason game, claims he’s gonna lower the cleats on a Terrible Towel again if the Titans win Thursday. I dunno, man, that’s not being loyal to James Harrison.

Anyway, as someone who’s destroyed a towel this offseason, I can’t pretend that I’m all indignant that he wants to mar one of our cherished twirly rags, but I do like the fact that it’s LenFail that’s initiating all the talk about what happened last year.

For Burnination, You Have Selected: Terrible Towel

Christmas Ape — Wed, 05 Aug 2009 04:05:20 +0000

The Football Fan’s Manifesto tip contest turned bad publicity stunt that will only cause me pain and likely not lead to any additional sales has come to a head. I can’t close the poll for some reason but here are the results at midnight, when I said I would end the voting. And the piece of merch that’s going to be fried will be a Terrible Towel. You people are some suckers for symbolism, I guess.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I definitely don’t want to burn a towel. The ghost of Myron Cope will never forgive me. But compared to what I could have lost, this is a huge relief. Hell, I have three of them and can get more at about $5 a pop (which goes to ~~public schools~~ the Allegheny Valley School, so I can be smug about my meager outlay). A few canny dickbags in the comments mentioned that the Hines jersey, though a crappy replica, holds the most sentimental value for me. And they’re 100 percent right. It’s not even close. It’s by far the most valuable item to me of all the things I offered up for sacrifice. Broggel nerr smire foll week if he have buln that jelsey! Yet still you picked a towel. YOU FOOLS! I spent all afternoon panicking that I was gonna have to lose the Hines jersey. After all, I wore it in that picture that got me shitcanned from The Post. I wore the thing under another jersey during the Super Bowl because I was freaked out because I wore it during Super Bowl XL and my superstitions were running on overdrive. It’s a priceless piece of Apeiana! You could even have made me destroy one of the other jerseys or the Fathead, which set me back far more money than one of several Terrible Towels. Still, I’m gonna have to destroy a towel and probably will never hear the end of it from fellow Steelers fans this year. You’ll get your video next week, jackals.

Someone’s Trying to Start a Mommie Fight

Christmas Ape — Sat, 01 Aug 2009 19:29:26 +0000

Spotted in Columbia, MD (for those not versed in Maryland suburbia, it’s the line of demarcation between Redskins and Ravens territory): a maternity goods store pushing NFL shirts for extremely pregnant women. Yet the display in the front has a Steelers and a Ravens mannequin posing together, which makes me think the manager, having tired of the schmaltzy overly supportive atmosphere such businesses are supposed to create for their clients, just wants to see some bloated, knocked up ladies come to blows.

Says Ufford: “As long as the unborn children are killed, I’m cool with it.”

Staying with the stupid shirts theme, Terrell Suggs donned this one yesterday.

No shit, P-Drizzle? You say you hate the bitter division rival that beat your team three times last year? Had you not put that on a shirt (one that for some reason is telling me I have a sweet ass), I’d've thought you were only placing bounties on their players to see if your dick could get hard.

In other Ratbirds news: Derrick Mason has ended his ~~contract ploy~~ retirement and has now reportedly arrived at Ravens training camp, thus upgrading the Baltimore receiving corps from being possibly historically awful to merely mediocre. Bully for them.

KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake: AFC North

Christmas Ape — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 20:18:00 +0000

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time gushing over Jeff George’s Uncle Rico-esque comeback tape, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the AFC North, where you’re either running over pedestrians while drunk, getting slapped with rape allegations, ratting out your friends to escape murder charges, or playing for the Bengals and doing all of the above.

The things you’ll stoop to when Vinny Testaverde still has the best statistical season as a quarterback in your franchise’s history.

BALTIMORE RAVENS

Five Fast Facts About the Ravens:

Haloti Ngata draws upon the lessons of his Mormon faith to take on multiple blockers at once.

The once illiterate Michael Oher and Harvard educated Matt Birk will be starting on the same offensive line. It’s just that kind of cloying yet meaningless contrast that will be beaten into the ground all season long.

If the NFL wants to maximize ratings, they better make sure the Ravens get to Super Bowl XLIV, lest Bmore fans organize another boycott. “We only got one critical call in the playoff game against the Titans! Why can’t we get all of them!? Waaaaaahhhhhhh!”

Domonique Foxworth had a rough time with the Broncos and Falcons, BUT NOW HIS LUCK IS STARTING TO CHANGE!

Terrell Suggs is now the highest paid linebacker in the NFL, proving once again that the life of a bounty hunter can be a lucrative and glamorous one.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

History suggests that the Ravens fall on their knives during odd-numbered years, but these assholes should be good enough to have a winning record in 2009, even if Mark Clayton is their no. 1 receiver going into the season. That is, UNLESS THE REFS COST THEM EVERY GAME! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY! CONSPIRACY!

Very considerate of the Bungles to come up with a word to describe their shitty style of play

CINCINNATI BENGALS

Five Fast Facts About the Bengals:

The new rules for hitting defenseless receivers doesn’t faze Roy Williams, seeing as how they’re already past him anyway.

Laveranues Coles is already asking Carson Palmer to grow his hair out a little, and maybe switch to the number 10, and put a bit more touch on his passes and what’s wrong with wearing this Chad Pennington mask all the time?

Chad Ocho Cinco has been told by the league that he can’t communicate through Twitter during games. But they didn’t say nothing about smoke signals.

Stricken by a bout of the vainglory, J.T. O’Sullivan endeavors to create a placard of his likeness so large, it can be viewed for seven furlongs and will inspire scabrous thoughts in the womenfolk.

Cedric Benson couldn’t cut it on a UFL team, so the Bengals will have to do.

Vegas Over/Under For 2009: 6 wins

Verdict: PUSH

People seem to think they’ll be better this year. After all, Denzel gave Ocho a stern talking-to. How could that not work?

CLEVELAND BROWNS

Hey, good news! No matter how many passes Braylon Edwards drops this season, he’s not the most disgraced Browns wideout! Well, maybe, give it time.

The Browns notoriously choose Charlie Frye as their starter by the result of a coin flip before the ‘07 season. Vowing to never let that happen again, Eric Mangini will stand before Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn and go with whichever one more closely resembles his McGriddle shirt stain.

Brian Robiskie is somehow the only Ohio State player on their roster. Isn’t there some kind of mandatory minimum like the CFL has with Canadian players on each team?

Hank Poteat, the only NFL defensive back who comes in a mystery bag at the dollar store.

Shaun Smith may not be related to Steve Smith, but they enjoy punching the same people.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 7 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Browns, expected contenders in 2008, spent the whole year underachieving and then just not caring towards the end. Stands to reason they would have a chance to rebound the next year, but Eric Mangini has already done everything he can to alienate the team he’s inheriting. Credit Josh McDaniels and Brad Childress for taking all the coach-induced team implosion focus off him this offseason.

The Pussy Monsta-Pussy Ravager two-pack.

PICKSBURGH STILLERS

Five Fast Facts About the Steelers:

Michael Vick is all set to become the next Kordell, only marginally less disastrous! Florio said so himself with airtight logic! Because Tomlin worked with Dungy once! And Dungy is counseling Vick! TAKE IT TO THE BANK!

After memorably frustrating rookie seasons, Rashard Mendenhall and Limas Sweed bounce back to have merely forgettable sophomore campaigns.

Shaun McDonald feels blessed to have left the Lions for the reigning Super Bowl champs. Now if he could only figure out who Ryan Leceivel is.

Lawrence Timmons thinks his coach could do well by getting a visor, lean meat protein and persistent late season injuries.

The “Sixburgh” stuff was barely tolerable and I love this team, but the “Stairway to Seven” slogans are gonna have me committing intra-fanbase bookkake left and right.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 10.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

They went 12-4 with a more difficult schedule last year and all they lost was Bryant McFadden, Larry Foote and Nate Washington, who’ve all been sufficiently replaced. They also don’t have the worst punter in the world anymore with Spatula returning. Barring a huge spate of injuries, they should be good for 11+ wins. Everyone will talk about what a huge distraction the civil suit is going to be. Notice that with no criminal complaint filed and ESPN finally having reported on it, the story is pretty much already gone from the news this week. There’s no police investigation to report on, hence nothing driving the story. Plus, (The) Ben has the preseason to get used to defenders and opposing fans yelling stupid shit like “RAPISTBERGER!” at him. Not to say it can’t be a distraction, but it doesn’t look to be a huge one when any trial wouldn’t take place until this time next year.

Can’t Put a Price on Loyalty

Christmas Ape — Tue, 19 May 2009 12:00:00 +0000

Grocery clerk: Care for a lemon bar?

Woman: Oh, sure. Thank you.

Grocery clerk: Good, huh?

Woman: Very good.

Grocery clerk: Glad to hear it. Thanks for stopping by. You, sir, care for a lemon bar?

James Harrison: What are these?

Grocery clerk: Lemon bars. Little lemon pastries. From this new organic line that we carry. Go ahead and try one.

James Harrison: [Picks one up and takes a bite] That’s not bad. So what’s this? Sample stand? Meaning anybody can come up and try these?

Grocery clerk: Yes, of course they can.

James Harrison: [Spits mouthful of lemon bar at woman] ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, GROCERY BITCH!? YOU MEAN, IF THEY WANTED, THE ARIZONA CARDINALS COULD JUST WALK UP HERE AND TRY THESE LEMON BARS!?

Grocery clerk: [Wipes lemon bar off face] They’re free samples. So, yes, the Arizona Cardinals could have some if they wanted.

James Harrison: [Flips over sample table and sucker punches woman in the kidney] Bullshit. Why should I have this food if any fucking punk could just waltz up in here and have their way with this shit? Like it’s the town bike or something. Where’s the loyalty? You should’ve made these lemon bars with the express purpose of my consumption. Set out and said to yourself, “I need to make some lemon bars for James Harrison.” And then you set up this stand and tell anybody who passes by, “Sorry, these lemon bars aren’t for you, unless you’re James Harrison. And if you are James Harrison, it don’t matter if you just won the Super Bowl or not. You still get a lemon bar.” Make all that plain from Jump Street. Me? I don’t put any food in me that’s not loyal food. Could be toxic sabotaging food agents swarming through my body, diving at my cells’ knees and shit.

[Walks up grocery aisle]

All around me, disloyal food. Sitting here, waiting to be consumed by just anyone, whether they win the Super Bowl or not. Look at this box of Honey Smacks.

Man, you fucking whore frog. Any clown can come up in here and get a taste, huh? Don’t need to know where that spoon has been. Makes me wanna make you puke blood. This open attitude on food might be cool for somma y’all suckers. Well y’all can keep that shit.

[Punches hole straight through box]

Busted ass anybody food. I need to see meals that have demonstrated a solid commitment to me from the start. Not some snack that come up on me, see me shine, see me winning on the big stage and then decide, “Hey, maybe this Super Bowl winning linebacker can cram me down his gullet.” Fuck that. Where’s the trust?

SEE, THIS IS WHAT THE FUCK I’M TALKING ABOUT

Finally, someone who knows where I’m coming from. Who been there through the struggle. True food.

[Takes entire inventory]

Cashier: Hello, sir. Find everything all right?

James Harrison: [Slams down box of bars] Yeah.

[Cashier rings up product while another another person gets in line behind Harrison]

James Harrison: [Whips around] Who are you?

Customer: Huh? I’m in line.

James Harrison: [Back to cashier] You gonna help this guy?

Cashier: After I’m done with you, of course.

James Harrison: [Throws cashier to the ground and knees her in the back of the head] Don’t nobody know about loyalty in this world.