The Steelers have hired famed shouting homeless person Todd Haley to be their next offensive coordinator. Because that’s a reasonable move from a team that forced out Bruce Arians because his play-calling was too pass-happy.

It’s a curious call as few can tell the dynamic of the relationship Haley will have with Ben Roethlisberger. Will Haley constantly berate The Ben on the sidelines or will the two be comfortable enough together to tool around the South Side for potential date rapes? Time will tell.

“Hey big guy, from what I’ve heard, you got in a bit of trouble for getting rough with the ladies. I know what that’s like. Most of ‘em like it that way anyhow. They say they don’t, but they do. It’s all a game. These chicks, man, they ain’t nothing but trouble. Fella can’t tell where the line is these days. This one time I was crushing beers, and this little thing asked if I she can get me another. I yanked her by her hair from behind the bar to the back seat of the Camaro. Later I find out she tried to press charges. Can you believe that?

You know what? I think we’re gonna along all right, you and me. WHAT? THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN LOOK ME IN THE EYE, FAGGOT. THE F*CK YOU THINK I AM?! YOU’RE BUMPED DOWN TO PRACTICE SQUAD, STAT. WE DON’T PLAY EYE FOOTSIE IN THE HOUSE OF HALEY!”

Who will more visibly venerate the Lord through on-field piety: Tebow Tebowing or Polamalu crossing himself after every play? Or will it be a surprise entrant? Like Demariyus Thomas showering the front row in communion wafers following a score?

Peter King says that the Steelers are the better team were they to meet in Wichita, but Tebow has invoked his evangelical warlock sorcery to bring Pittsburgh low, making The Ben and LaMarr Woodley gimpy, taking out Maurkice Pouncey and Rashard Mendenhall, and inflicting lifelong sickle cell on Ryan Clark. Now conditions are ripe for possible postseason Tebow Time, the legend of which will be passed down through the ages, but only after it has been altered to suit the whims of kings and other lords who will rewrite it every few generations.

There was a time when it was The Ben who was the young QB irritating people with vocal statements about his faith. You might recall that the NFL wanted to fine Roethlisberger $10,000 for writing PFJ (PRAY FER JEEBUS) on his shoes before every game his 2004 rookie season. Oh, how Benjamin changed where he strayed from the flock into the land of body shots and rapeyness. Such a shame. We can only hope for similar identity killing lapses out of Tebowmania.

Hours before the game, Jay Glazer reported that the Broncos might use Brady Quinn on critical 3rd downs, which might be proof of the existence of a benevolent God who enjoys our laughter.

The Steelers bested the Bengals because Andy Dalton isn’t as good as Tim Tebow is at winning despite playing shitty. Nevertheless, credit to a spiteful old Bengals fan for mocking a wee yinzer’s obnoxious acrostic sign. It’s possible, given the near identical lettering on the signs, that that is a father and son combo, in which case, let’s give him Father of the Year for not choking his son for rooting on a division rival.

The Ravens got their only ever season sweep of the Steelers in 2006, throttling Pittsburgh twice by a combined score of 58-7. The next four years saw the Steelers win every game against the Ravens that Charlie Batch or Dennis Dixon didn’t start. That includes a three-game sweep in ’08 and two playoff victories. Pittsburgh had established itself as the dominant power in a fierce rivalry between two teams that love to complain that Roger Goodell should just go ahead and put QBs in skirts because that’s how he gets his ginger rocks off.

Then Week 1 happened. Baltimore crushed Pittsburgh 35-7, forcing seven turnovers in the process. Since then, the Steelers have seemingly gotten their act together, beating a bunch of bottomfeeders as well as a Patriots team with a horrible defense. Baltimore, meanwhile, has steamrolled some weeks, while losing to lowly teams like Tennessee, Jacksonville and nearly Arizona in others. Now the Ravens can bookend an era of having the Steelers deny them powerhouse status with season sweeps. Or they can drop yet another big game to the Steelers and have Your Friendly Section 8 Neighborhood Christmas Ape cackling with delight.

Either way, it’s a good thing the Monday night game looks promising, as this was probably a contest worthy of a live blog. However, because it avoids THE INSIDIOUS CURSE O’ THE LIVE BLOG, it might actually be entertaining. Nevertheless, I offer my humblest apologizes. Unfortunately, moderating thousands of comments gets in the way of drunken swearkkake and yelling at the TV pixels that make up Ravens players.

[Pic via]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI COACH

THE BEN NO WANT COMPLAIN AND BE ROTTEN EGGMAN BUT THE BEN TAKE LOTTO HITS THIS SEASON. SO MANY OWIESPOTS THAT BEN DON’T KNOW WHERE OWIE END AND BEN BEGIN. IT BAD. VERY BAD. HAVE NO TIME IN POCKET FOR MANY PUMP FAKE, RUN AROUND IN CIRCLE THEN THROW BALL AT SAME TIME BEN IS FALLING TO GROUND. BEN CAN NO BE BEN IN THESE CONDITIONS.

Mike Tomlin: We’ve had a few setbacks with our protection up front, but to blame that for the totality of our performance is an excuse and we don’t make ‘em. We will continue to strive to correct whatever shortcomings we have as a team, but that involves each player overcoming his own shortcomings. And there isn’t a player on this team that that is perfect in this regard.

Ben Roethlisberger: BUT BEN NO LIKE! EVEN MAN INSIDE TV SAY BEN TAKE MONDO OWIES.

TV IS NEVER LIAR. TV IS FRIEND AND VIDEO GAMES MY BROTHER.

Mike Tomlin: To be frustrated in the face of adversity is human, but just being human is not the standard here. Winning is the standard. Champions abide by those standards. We intend to be champions.

Ben Roethlisberger: BEFORE SEASON, COACH TELL BEN, “BEN – GOOD NEWS. WE MAKE OFFENSE EASY. YOU START PLAY BY MAKE CHOCO TACO LICK FACE AT FAST WILLIE PARKER WALLACE. FASTMAN WALLACE THINK BEN WANT BATHROOM SMUSH, SO HE RUN REAL FAST. THE BEN HUCK N CHUCK DEEP FOR TOUCHDOWN!”

THAT WHAT COACH SAID!

Mike Tomlin: Ben. Listen, I can’t -

Maurkice Pouncey: Coach! Hey coach, come quick!

Mike Tomlin: What is it?

Maurkice Pouncey: Cone’s hurt!

Mike Tomlin: Not again! We only dressed two cones this week. That was our last one!

Hines Ward: If we am not doing something soon, Rongrastname will suffel glave injulee. Velleeeeeee sellliousss injuleeeee.

Mike Tomlin: All right. That settles it. Batch! Charlie, get up!

Charlie Batch: [Awakens from nap startled and brandishing a knife] This ain’t yer claim! I gots here first! GIT! GIT!

Mike Tomlin: Charlie, wake up. It’s Coach Tomlin.

Charlie Batch: Heh heh, so it is. Sorry ’bout that. Just had a lil’ flashback to mah prospectin’ days. So what’s the deal, coach?

Mike Tomlin: I need you to get in there.

Charlie Batch: Whatever you say, pardner. I’ll work the kinks out of the ol’ diggin’ arm here.

Mike Tomlin: Don’t bother. We need you in at right tackle.

Charlie Batch: Tackle?! Tarnation! You can’t be serious. No way these old bones handle blocking those big studs.

Mike Tomlin: You’re at a size disadvantage. That much is obvious. But we need a warm body. And you have veteran savvy. Use that. Confuse the pass rushers with stories about when a gallon of milk used to cost 17 cents.

Charlie Batch: Grocer’d knock it down to a plug nickel if’n you could spin a good yarn about the Dust Bowl.

Mike Tomlin: Save it for the field, Charlie. Now get in there!

[Batch goes in, Roethlisberger strip-sacked for the eighth time of the 1st half]

Mike Tomlin: Sigh. This is going to be a long season.

Dick LeBeau: Settle down, coach. Them other fellers only got 126 yards rushing this half. Got ‘em right where we want ‘em.

Aaron Smith: When are they gonna install a duck pond in this godforsaken stadium?

Dick LeBeau: As soon as you get off your keister and make a play.

Aaron Smith: Baaaaaahhhh! [Waves hand dismissively] Forget it.

We’ve bagged on Colts fans plenty since Battleship Manning ran aground on Neck AIDS Island. But no amount of KSK buffoonery could match the hilarity of this story shared by Mandy, perhaps our least irritating regular commenter from Indy (enjoy the faint praise):

Mandy

Damn, almost forgot to share the funniest Fat Hump story in a while. Last night at dinner, I overheard a woman say, “I just can’t cheer for Peyton Manning anymore. Did you hear he had that surgery where they have to kill babies to get stem cells?”

Oh, that’s just perfection. I wish I could get that story in a to-go container from Steak ‘n’ Shake and consume for my next six meals.

Anyway, this game obviously begs for the flex treatment. But, alas, the current scheduling structure can’t correct for when teams built entirely on one player lose that player to injury. Too bad! Take heart in the continuation of the Bottomless Fries Basket of Colts fan despair. Then again, you never know; maybe Robert Mathis and Dwight Freeney will tee off on the Steelers’ horrible offensive tackles and Indy pulls an upset. That would be incredibly funny in its own way. But, yeah, no one will blame you for skipping this one for “Boardwalk Empire” and “Breaking Bad”.

Don’t stop your schadenfreude at the Colts. Guess the Ravens have to destroy the Yinzers every five years or so. But, yeah, the Chiefs look pretty bad, too.

Steelers running back/Super Bowl fumbler Rashard Mendenhall had pretty much the reaction that fictional Tony Dungy had to the killing of Osama bin Laden on Sunday, albeit with an added twist of loony conspiracy theory.

Mendy chastened the masses on Twitter for celebrating the death of someone they never met and also because 9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB BUSH LIES PEOPLE DIES, an opinion which he should know is only safely expressed in college campus co-ops, select other libtard strongholds and inside Noam Chomsky’s asshole. Sorry he had to learn the hard way.

And lest anyone worry James Harrison might miss an opportunity to make a mindless public comment that will earn universal ridicule… well, I think you know where that set-up is going.

HARF HARF HARF, YOU TELL ‘EM, MANTLEBAUM. PEOPLES HAS ONLY HEARD ONE SIDE OF THE BEN LADEN’S STORY. DON’T JUDGE UNLESS WE BE THE JUDGE!

Finally, after a two week run-up that featured such prepossessing storylines as Hines Ward going to a strip club, Ben Roethlisberger singing “Piano Man” at a bar and a bunch of injured Packers players being upset for being excluded, then included with criticism, into a team photo, we finally have a football game to a decide a champion.

Green Bay fans also spent the break cribbing all the Steelers fan traditions that people find obnoxious. A Titletown Towel has been produced for the game by the same company that manufactures The Terrible Towel. Lil’ Wayne, who claims both the Packers and his hometown Saints as his teams, remixed “Black and Yellow” with the predictable enough title “Green and Yellow.” He makes sure to take a shot at Steelers corner Ike Taylor, who also hails from New Orleans. Clearly it’s all about Green Bay pride for Weezy.

No doubt nearly everyone who isn’t a Steelers fan is rooting against Pittsburgh getting a debatably dynastic third Super Bowl title in six years for any number of reasons, not the least of which is Ben Roethlisberger. A Steelers win would produce a bunch of facile and annoying Roethlisberger “redemption” stories, followed by twice as many indignant and contrarian pieces about how saying anything even halfway complimentary about Roethlisberger ignores the unforgettable evil of two rape allegations that produced no criminal charges. As if anyone actually forgot that they happened. Meanwhile, every outlet save Jezebel has been content to ignore that the Packers have on their roster an alleged rapist who is still being investigated. But don’t let Brandon Underwood ruin your wholesome anti-rapist rooting interest, America.

A Green Bay victory would stick in the Ol’ Dongslinger’s craw and make his lone career Super Bowl victory that much less impressive, which would be nice. But that line of reasoning neglects that Favretard Green Bay fans gleefully enabled that prima donna asshole for years and years without compunction. 80 percent of them would still accept him as starter tomorrow even if Rodgers wins today. That’s not gonna be enough to sway anyone to back the Steelers, but just something to think about when you see five million fat cheeseheads imitate Rodgers’ title belt celebration if the Pack wins.

Oh, and this very well might be the last meaningful scab-free NFL game until 2012. You should probably make the most of it.

Mike Tomlin: We’re a group of professionals with a job that needs to be done. No one knows that more than us. The standard is still the standard. And the standard is winning. Like most, we’ve had to deal with our share of adversity to get to this destination, this proving ground, you could call it. It’s a credit to this team, a testament to our fortitude, that they were able to overcome whereas some others might not have. But we know this is not the end of the road. We are focused on the task laid out before us. The circus is nothing new. We have nothing to add to it. We’re just taking this in stride and trying to have a little fun. As the saying goes, this is not our first rodeo.

Mike Tomlin: Like I was saying, we’ve chosen to draw attention to ourselves and embrace the “bad guy role,” in that we’re openly antagonizing the league through the media. Some might say it’s a little reckless, but this is an approach we’ve taken all season. From that standpoint, we’re comfortable with it. It’s a situation I’m sure 30 other teams would be glad to find themselves in. If Roger Goodell shows up on the sideline near the end of this game, I will make it a point to ridicule his person and possibly belittle his manhood. Should I feel comfortable with the status of the game, I might lead a cheer mocking the way he has almost single-handedly ruined the NFL. I would also not hesitate to shove him off the trophy podium. That’s just the kind of team we are. It would be foolish to try to change horses midstream.

Hines Ward: I am alive in Darras. I rasso Supell Bore tighter numbell free. Hippie-High-Ho-Kim-Chi. Lide into sunset as urtimate champion. Can gualantee entlee into Harr of Fame. We am make Tang Dynasty rook rike Putang Dynasty. This joke am make sense to you? We have chance foll make regacy extla stlong! They leemembel us follevel. They make Amellican Westeln movie and we arr stals.

Ben Roethlisberger: HI COWBOY HINES. THE BEN SAW COWBOY IN TOY STORY 3 AND MADE SALT SPIT OUT MY EYESPOT.

WHERE ELSE THE BEN SEE COWPEOPLE?

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

UH… HINES? NEED HELP WITH FIXING TELEVISION IN THE BATHROOM STALL. IT VERY IMPORTANT FOR GAMEPLAN. WE MIGHT LOSE IF THIS TV DON’T GET FIXED. WILL SIX SHOTS OF JAGER MAKE YOU WANT TO FIX THIS TV?

Mike Tomlin: It appears now that our quarterback has made inappropriate overtures toward one of our wide receivers. If you’d like to follow me, the team has set up a crisis tent in the parking lot for further discussion of this matter. Before you go telling wild stories or engage full-on media meltdown, I would like to reiterate that these sort of allegations are nothing new to this team and we are mentally prepared, as we have been all season, to handle them. I’d be more worried if there were less adversity, to tell the truth. Maybe other people like easy things. That’s not our M.O. and it’s one with a track record of success. It’s not about style points for us. We are about winning by any means necessary, even if those means repel or even disgust you. In fact, I’d like to call in a bomb threat right now. Have it right under Goodell’s stupid narrow ass.