Because there was a lengthy span of time after Todd Haley was officially brought on as the new Steelers offensive coordinator before there was a meeting of the meathead minds between Boss Todd and Ben Roethlisberger, people seem to be concerned about when The Ben gets in touch with new members of the Yinzburgh offense. Especially when the team took the occasion of the draft to finally improve upon the sieve-like quality of the Steelers O-line. Not to worry, though. The Ben was on the phone immediately after the draft calling the team’s first-round pick, Stanford guard David DeCastro, in what ended up being a HARF-worthy case of mistaken identity.

Roethlisberger said he phoned DeCastro to welcome him to the team, but DeCastro thought he was talking to a Steelers official who was handling his travel arrangements.

“He was saying, ‘Did you get those flight plans? Did you get those flight plans?”’ Roethlisberger, with his wife, Ashley, at his side, told an audience of 1,100 Saturday night at the 25th anniversary of the Blair County Sports Hall of Fame induction ceremony at the Blair County Convention Center. Roethlisberger said after a few seconds, DeCastro realized who he was talking to.

“I can’t wait once we get started to get on him about that,” Roethlisberger joked.

“HARF HARF HARF BIG BLOCK MAN THINK THE BEN HAVE JOB AS TRAVEL AGENT. THE BEN FIND DRUNK GIRL NICE RATE ON ACCOMMODATION IN POUNDTOWN, PLUS APPLICABLE TAXES AND SURCHARGE. WE TELL BIG BLOCK MAN “HAVE A NICE TRIP, SEE YOU NEXT FALL” THEN WE LAUGH BECAUSE IT NOT FALL AND HE NOT REALLY GO ON TRIP HARF HARF HARF”

Other than awkwardness with the starting quarterback, DeCastro also experienced a nice session of being trolled by dickheads in the local media during his introductory press conference.

Q: Have you changed from being a Seahawks to a Steelers fan?

A: I definitely have, not a Seahawks fan anymore [Ed. note: book to the face]

Q: Were you one of the fans whining about the officiating in Super Bowl XL?

A: I have no comment.

Smooth move, yinzers. Antagonize one of the guys responsible for keeping Roethlisberger from getting plowed by defenders. Keep this up and watch DeCastro sidestep Haloti Ngata on a dropback later this year, which would be bad, though fairly consistent with Steelers’ line play of the past few years.

“Ay yi yi, no me gusta bathroom rape, Grande Ben!”

It wasn’t just the complete 2012 regular season schedule that was unveiled today. The Steelers also trotted out their 80th anniversary throwbacks in a cruel attempt to continue thwarting the Seahawks, this time by stealing their hard-won title of bearer of the NFL’s ugliest uniforms. If anything, they’re at least the worst throwbacks since the Broncos used those mustard/turd duds a few years back.

If it weren’t for the big plain yellow helmet, I kind of enjoyed the most recent throwbacks the Stillers were using as their alternate. These just harken back to the godawful atrocities that the team wore during the ’94 season. Just with extra unflattering horizontal stripes in lieu of the vertical stripes plus weird epaulets look. AND WHERE’S THE CASTLE?

Though hideous, the unis did help to fulfill an abiding desire of mine to post a Barry Foster image on KSK. And that’s important.

“No, James, for the last time, it’s not a helmet to the throat that helps the medicine go down.”

James Harrison seen hanging out with Mary Poppins, because she’s the only person who blindsides more people than he does. Harrison posted this picture to his Facebook profile this morning with the helpful caption “Lol yea idk” because James Harrison might be a fifth grader. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and surmise that he took his kids on a visit to Disneyworld, which is probably something he owes them since that one time he let his put bull feast on his two-year-old.

Because the Steelers tendered an offer to restricted free agent Mike Wallace, another team who signs him would have to forfeit a first-round pick to Yinzburgh. Nevertheless, some would argue that even with the loss of a high pick, that’s still a decent bargain for one of the better young receivers in the game just entering his prime. If nothing else, observers have wanted to see another team make an offer to Wallace just to watch the cap space-strapped Steelers scurry to try to match it or let their deep threat walk.

So far, that has yet to happen. It’s been a little mystifying, since there is no shortage of teams that could use his services. That is, until today when it came out that the 49ers reportedly inquired about Wallace during the first week of free agency and were told that the receiver is seeking a deal in the neighborhood of the eight-year, $120 million that Larry Fitzgerald got just before the start of the 2011 season, the richest in football until Megatron’s extension with the Lions was announced this month.

Again, Wallace has been good, but with only two seasons of solid production under his belt it’s a little premature to be asking for f*ck-you money. So this might end up helping the Steelers in the short term by scaring off potential suitors unwilling to pay top dollar and give up a first-rounder for Wallace. But even if the Steelers get Wallace for a relative bargain in 2012, both he and fellow Pro Bowl receiver Antonio Brown will be free agents after the season, meaning at least one of them is almost certainly gone.

Unless the Steelers can find another half dozen expensive deadweight old veterans to cut by then. And Casey Hampton only counts as one, even if he eats like he’s four.

For some misbegotten reason, the Denver Post is giving Jim Nantz an outlet to speak his mind later this week (“Hello, friends. You know what has supremacy? White people.”). While we’ll be sure to ignore it when it runs on Thursday, one of the paper’s blogs did the helpful service of highlighting an amusing anecdote so we can ignore the rest.

Nantz recounts that in production meetings leading up to the Steelers-Broncos Wild Card game, Nantz asked John Fox and Mike Tomlin what they would do if the game went to overtime, what with the relatively new playoff overtime rules being in effect and all.

On Saturday night we were meeting with the Steelers, who were staying near Boulder. I asked Coach Tomlin the same thing: What are you going to do? He said, ‘We’re taking the football. We’re not going to give them the football first.’

“I said, ‘Mike, wouldn’t you think twice about that? I mean after all, the Broncos’ last game they lost 7-3 to Kansas City. So if you kick the football to them, you know you are going to get a touchhback in the thin air, you’re gonna set up the Broncos at their own 20 and the odds are you’re going to get a punt and now all you have to do is going down and win the game with a field goal.’

“He said, ‘No way I am doing that. I’m not putting my whole season at risk giving the other team the football because if one guy busts an assignment or something else and one play they go 80 yards and a touchdown and my season is over. I’m not going to let that happen. I’m taking the football.’

Ha ha, it’s funny because the Broncos ended up winning the toss and scoring on a play of exactly 80 yards. And Mike Tomlin was powerless to stop it. So goes the premise of “Final Destination 6: Unleashing Hell” starring Ike Taylor, whose death by Demaryius Thomas stiff-arm is totally spoiled by the trailer.

In other (former) Steeler news, TMZ has some nice eight-months-after-the-fact details about Hines Ward’s DUI arrest last summer. Beyond Hines being mostly worried the press would find out, there was some physical comedy.

There is one funny moment, when Hines was sitting in the back of the squad car and the officer slammed on the brakes … sending Ward’s forehead into the plastic divider.

“THAT LACIST! PORICE AM ONREE PICKING ON HINES BRACK SIDE!”

[h/t Goal-Line Stand]

Steelers already squander Haley’s “one shower per team” quota.

Camarogate continues in Yinzburgh, as Todd Haley was introduced yesterday as the Steelers new offensive coordinator. Meanwhile, THE BEN, who has still yet to meet Haley, presses on with his painstaking investigation into whether Todd is GOOD PLAYCALL HOBO or BAD MAN. Based on their individual pasts, they should really be kindred spirits, but that’s HARFS for another day. In the meantime, we’ll credit Florio (zuh?) for digging up this quote that had escaped our notice:

It’s not surprising that Roethlisberger has heard both good and bad. Haley is widely regarded as a smart game planner and play caller, but he’s also widely regarded as a difficult person to work with. When Steve Breaston, who has played for Haley in both Arizona and Kansas City, referred to Haley as “not always a butthole,” that was high praise compared to what many others have said about Haley.

Awww, Steve Breaston, don’t shatter our illusion of Todd Haley’s perma-buttholeyness. We figured at best, he could be a loose butthole. You know, sometimes he’d show up with a cooler of beer and maybe pass out, implying that you could have the rest. The rest of the time, he’s a very tight butthole.

The Steelers have hired famed shouting homeless person Todd Haley to be their next offensive coordinator. Because that’s a reasonable move from a team that forced out Bruce Arians because his play-calling was too pass-happy.

It’s a curious call as few can tell the dynamic of the relationship Haley will have with Ben Roethlisberger. Will Haley constantly berate The Ben on the sidelines or will the two be comfortable enough together to tool around the South Side for potential date rapes? Time will tell.

“Hey big guy, from what I’ve heard, you got in a bit of trouble for getting rough with the ladies. I know what that’s like. Most of ‘em like it that way anyhow. They say they don’t, but they do. It’s all a game. These chicks, man, they ain’t nothing but trouble. Fella can’t tell where the line is these days. This one time I was crushing beers, and this little thing asked if I she can get me another. I yanked her by her hair from behind the bar to the back seat of the Camaro. Later I find out she tried to press charges. Can you believe that?

You know what? I think we’re gonna along all right, you and me. WHAT? THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN LOOK ME IN THE EYE, FAGGOT. THE F*CK YOU THINK I AM?! YOU’RE BUMPED DOWN TO PRACTICE SQUAD, STAT. WE DON’T PLAY EYE FOOTSIE IN THE HOUSE OF HALEY!”

Who will more visibly venerate the Lord through on-field piety: Tebow Tebowing or Polamalu crossing himself after every play? Or will it be a surprise entrant? Like Demariyus Thomas showering the front row in communion wafers following a score?

Peter King says that the Steelers are the better team were they to meet in Wichita, but Tebow has invoked his evangelical warlock sorcery to bring Pittsburgh low, making The Ben and LaMarr Woodley gimpy, taking out Maurkice Pouncey and Rashard Mendenhall, and inflicting lifelong sickle cell on Ryan Clark. Now conditions are ripe for possible postseason Tebow Time, the legend of which will be passed down through the ages, but only after it has been altered to suit the whims of kings and other lords who will rewrite it every few generations.

There was a time when it was The Ben who was the young QB irritating people with vocal statements about his faith. You might recall that the NFL wanted to fine Roethlisberger $10,000 for writing PFJ (PRAY FER JEEBUS) on his shoes before every game his 2004 rookie season. Oh, how Benjamin changed where he strayed from the flock into the land of body shots and rapeyness. Such a shame. We can only hope for similar identity killing lapses out of Tebowmania.

Hours before the game, Jay Glazer reported that the Broncos might use Brady Quinn on critical 3rd downs, which might be proof of the existence of a benevolent God who enjoys our laughter.

The Steelers bested the Bengals because Andy Dalton isn’t as good as Tim Tebow is at winning despite playing shitty. Nevertheless, credit to a spiteful old Bengals fan for mocking a wee yinzer’s obnoxious acrostic sign. It’s possible, given the near identical lettering on the signs, that that is a father and son combo, in which case, let’s give him Father of the Year for not choking his son for rooting on a division rival.

The Ravens got their only ever season sweep of the Steelers in 2006, throttling Pittsburgh twice by a combined score of 58-7. The next four years saw the Steelers win every game against the Ravens that Charlie Batch or Dennis Dixon didn’t start. That includes a three-game sweep in ’08 and two playoff victories. Pittsburgh had established itself as the dominant power in a fierce rivalry between two teams that love to complain that Roger Goodell should just go ahead and put QBs in skirts because that’s how he gets his ginger rocks off.

Then Week 1 happened. Baltimore crushed Pittsburgh 35-7, forcing seven turnovers in the process. Since then, the Steelers have seemingly gotten their act together, beating a bunch of bottomfeeders as well as a Patriots team with a horrible defense. Baltimore, meanwhile, has steamrolled some weeks, while losing to lowly teams like Tennessee, Jacksonville and nearly Arizona in others. Now the Ravens can bookend an era of having the Steelers deny them powerhouse status with season sweeps. Or they can drop yet another big game to the Steelers and have Your Friendly Section 8 Neighborhood Christmas Ape cackling with delight.

Either way, it’s a good thing the Monday night game looks promising, as this was probably a contest worthy of a live blog. However, because it avoids THE INSIDIOUS CURSE O’ THE LIVE BLOG, it might actually be entertaining. Nevertheless, I offer my humblest apologizes. Unfortunately, moderating thousands of comments gets in the way of drunken swearkkake and yelling at the TV pixels that make up Ravens players.

[Pic via]