This article is filled with so many brutal quotes that it makes one wonder whether they were obtained through wiretaps and phone hacks. But seeing as how it appears in the Daily News rather than the Post, so we have to assume that Mark Sanchez’s teammates hate him enough to actually say these things in to a microphone.

The fun part is trying to figure out who said what…

The most salacious quote comes after the jump.

Odd. I don’t remember seeing that one in the article. But if it’s in the word bubble then it must be true.

Plaxico Burress had a couple of visitors over the weekend, unfortunately they brought along some contraband that didn’t make it back to his cell.

Burress’ visibly pregnant wife, Tiffany, and their 3-year-old son, Elijah, visited him Saturday and again yesterday. On Saturday, his wife attempted to bring him a GE microwave oven but was turned away by guards and had to lug it back to her white Range Rover.

Plaxico and Tiffany had a brief conversation before the guards made her leave with the microwave, a transcript of which follows.

Plaxico: What the hell is this?
Tiffany: You said you wanted a cake.
Plaxico: This isn’t a cake.
Tiffany: No, that’s a microwave. Good one too. Same one Jack Donaghy uses. You can use it to make cake.
Plaxico: But that’s not what I asked for.
Tiffany: You know I don’t cook!
Plaxico: [looking inside the microwave] What the hell is this, some kind of prison microwave cake recipe book?
Tiffany: No, that’s a file.
Plaxico: A file?
Tiffany: You said you wanted a damn file in the cake. Man, what the hell’s wrong with you?
Plaxico: I meant a metal file.
Tiffany: Are you stupid or something? You can’t put metal in the microwave!
Plaxico: [applies palm of hand to his forehead region]

Now that Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian have parted ways (nobody cheated!…unless they did) the NFL needs a fresh celebrity relationship worthy of tabloid attention. That’s why we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to create our own pairings out of thin air. Just like the publicists do it!

He’s got a thing for blond moms, and she needs a man in her life who can domineer her for a change. Bill will stick it out as long as it takes for him to stick it in, assuming of course that none of the children make eye contact with him. Ever.

He’s mopey malcontent and her ego has been known to annoy the shit out of her coworkers. They might as well hook up, because nobody else can seem to stand their presence for extended periods of time.

He loves to party and has been known to skank it up for the cameras, and she’s exactly the same in every conceivable way. It’s science.

Submit your own dream NFL/Celeb couples in the comments.