Tebow: …and thank You God, for all the wonderful support You’ve given me through these challenging times. I praise You for the loving and talented teammates with whom I share in this great experience. I thank You for the fans, who have always had our back. And I worship You for this lovely meal, for which we are about to partake.

Mama Tebow: More pot roast, son?

Tebow: Please, mother. It’s simply divine. OOP! I suppose that’s a bit presumptuous. Let’s just say it’s fantastic, and I Thank God every day that you chose not to abort me so that I may may sit with you now and eat this blessed animal that gave its life in order to sustain us.

Mama Tebow: I’m proud of you, son. You’re so humble!

Tebow: Well now, let’s not go touting our humility. The good book says, “The humble man speaketh not of humility, but acteth WITH humility.” I think we can all live by that example. I think, if I play hard enough and give all the credit in the world to Jesus, that people will see a different path. That they’ll forsake arrogance and embrace a loving and caring…

(door flies open)

Tommy: FACK YOUUUUUUU! FACK YOU, YOU FACKIN’ MOUNTAIN TWAT!

(puts on gold chain with second, heavier gold chain dangling from it)

Mama Tebow: My goodness, who is this horrible man?

Tommy: “Ooooh loogit me! I’m Timmy Tebow and I love Jesus!” If you love him so much, GET A FACKIN’ ROOM, JESUS FAG!

(dips like Elway)

Tebow: You poor man. I will pray for you right now, this instant. Mother, take my hand. We should ask Jesus to…

Tommy: FACK YOUR-AH JESUS! You and I both know there-ah is only one Jesus, and that is BASKETBALL JESUS! NO ONE DENIES THIS! Basketball Jesus is the only Jesus worth praying to! I pray to him every fackin’ night! I say to him, “Dearest Basketball Jesus, give me the strength I need to cut through this bike lawk and steal this faggot Trek bicycle from a BU student!” And Larry fackin’ Bird DELIVERED on that pray-ahhhh! Let’s see your-ah hummus-eatin’ hippie Jesus do THAT! THE ONLY GOOD THING TO COME OUT OF CHRISTIANITY IS P.O.D.!

(blasts “Youth of the Nation”)

Tebow: Jesus answers our prayers all the time. He gives us life! He gives us hope! He gives us strength when we are at our weakest!

Tommy: WELL LA DI FACKIN’ DA. FACK YOU WITH A CHURCH BELL. Your Gawd doesn’t do JACK SHIT?! Where was Gawd when the Red Sawx needed leadahship! Where was Gawd to slap the dahkie food out of Jawsh Beckett’s hand? Where was Gawd when ow-ah beloved C’s needed to trade fahhh Chris Pawl?! DOES ANYONE SERIOUSLY THINK THE CELTICS WERE-AH NAWT THE BIGGEST VICTIMS OF THAT TRADE? STAWP. JUST STAWP. Bucky fackin’ Dent! Explain BFD to me!

(brags about his own word count)

Tebow: If I may, it sounds as if what you’re experiencing is a crisis of faith. You need to know that God can’t prevent bad things from happening, but that He can grant you the strength to ENDURE through those bad th…

Tommy: STAWP TALKING CHRIST-ESE! I am nawt some retahhhhded Filipino that you can convert in seven seconds just by lawpping off a few fahhhskins! I WORSHIP AT THE ALTAHHHHH OF GRIT! That’s how we do things in GRAWNK NATION. Did you see Grawnk last week? He plowed through defendahs like I plowed through Stacy McO’Reillygerald’s titties! He’s TOUGH! He’s HAHHHHD! He’s just like us! So you can have your-ah little Jesus! I don’t need him far-ah strength! Nawt when I can lift 316 ell bees on the preachah curls!!!!

(flexes)

NO CRUCIFIX NAILS CAN HOLD THESE GUNS DOWN!

Tebow: You’re trying to rattle me, with your loud voice and your grossly offensive statements. But I am not here to engage you. I LOVE YOU.

Tommy: FAG!

Tebow: I love you, and I will continue praying for you. And I wish your Patriots the best of luck this weekend. I will do my darndest to win the game, but I wish your team peace and happiness as well.

Tommy: Well, Timothy. I don’t wish you any of those things. I WISH YOU WAR-AHHH AND ANGAHH. I WISH GRAWNK HANGING SIX TDS ON YOU BECAUSE YOU AHHHH NAWT A REAL FOOTBALL STAHHHH! AND I WISH FOR-AH YOUR-AH MAWM IT GET A FAT CAWK IN HER ASS!

(casually dismisses any NFL coach who is not Belichick)

You think you’re so fackin’ special and magical, do you? With all your-ah gay little comebacks against SHIT opponents? Well, now you face a REAL team, with REAL magic fans behind them! The powahhh of Christ is no match for-ah the POWAHHHH OF THE LEGENDARY FANS OF SOHO HOUSE NATION. Think Gawd could have gawtten Vinatieri’s kick through the uprights in the Tuck Rule Game? FACK THAT SHIT. Only WE could do that. WE had faith on Adam. WE KNEW he would make that kick, becawse WE KNOW EVERYTHING. I remembah I turned to my dad aftah that kick and I said, “He did it!” And you know what my dad said to me? He said, “No, son. WE did it. Now let’s go take a shit awn that black guy’s truck.” THAT IS THE THUNDAHHHH THAT WILL RAIN DOWN ON YOU THIS SUNDAY!

Tebow: (starts silently praying)

Tommy: NO SILENT PRAYING! PRAY LIKE A MAN! JESUS WILL NOT PROTECT YOU FROM THE PUSSY-STAWMPING FORCE OF THE GRAWNK!

Eli Manning: Waited patiently for Olivia to sort through all of his candies to make sure none of them contained inappropriate messages.

Mark Sanchez: Cruised parking lots at area high schools.

Michael Vick: Watched the dog show. Masturbated.

Ben Roethlisberger: Romantic night with his fiancee. In a public bathroom.

Legedu Naanee: Asked random women if they know who he is, just in case one of them did. They did not.

Kurt Warner: Read Scripture with Brenda. And then anal.

Donovan McNabb: Cardiovascular training.

DeSean Jackson: Went down on his girl and began celebrating while she was still on the verge of climax.

Jeff Reed: Complained about the sloppiness of hook-up’s pubic hair.

Albert Haynesworth: Tried his luck over at the St. Regis.

Jason Garret: Watched Jeopardy and laughed at the undereducated contestants.

Dan Snyder: Doodled on pictures of Dave McKenna.

Tim Hasselbeck: Paid for hooker, talked to her for three hours.

Jerry Richardson: Spent his whole dinner talking down to the waitress.

Carson Palmer: Discussed trade demands with agent; showed his house to potential buyer; continued ignoring painful reality.

Jerry Jones: Invited 15 friends to a Valentine’s dinner…with only 12 place settings.

Brett Favre: masturbated next to a mirror while watching Super Bowl XXXI highlights

Philip Rivers: Sent himself a dozen roses and the biggest box of chocolates they had. Man, he’s great.

Drew Brees: Hand delivered homemade Valentines to all of the homely women employed by the Saints.

OJ Simpson: Laughed his ass off. Played cards with fellow convicts.

The Chiefs yesterday were the last team to be knocked from the ranks of the unbeaten when they lost to the Colts in Indianapolis, mostly because Dwayne Bowe can’t catch, Matt Cassel is awful and Todd Haley wanted to pretend like it was Super Bowl XLIV all over again and he was Sean Payton. The Chiefs might also have been as startled as we were to spot a non-atrocious looking female Colts fan.

But CBS, crack production team that they have, was able to identify a few other key reasons as to why Kansas City lost that escaped our attention. You might have missed them during the broadcast, but lucky for you we at KSK were able to screencap them.

This week’s draft is ripped from the headlines. By that I mean I saw the newspaper in the shitter break-room and thought “Dude, this would make a kickass draft,” then I ripped the headline out of the paper. Apparently, some wackadoo bull went all Ron Artest on everybody’s ass in Spain. Or possibly Mexico– I’m fuzzy on the details. In retrospect I should have ripped out more than just the headline.

This week’s draft is the place you would most like to see demolished by a rampaging bull. For me, it wasn’t a tough call. I’ve always dreamed I would live to see a bull just go nuts inside a Cheesecake Factory. I don’t bear any animus towards that restaurant or its patrons– I just think it would be entertaining as hell to watch one of those crazy beasts tear shit up in a Cheesecake Factory. Glass shattering; people diving under tables. Arugula everywhere. Pretty sweet.

Make your own selections in the comments. Wait ten picks. Repeat.

Thanks to Andy Gray, maestro of the SI Vault, for alerting us to another magnificent snapshot of our beloved drunken Uncle Joe. Continue after the jump to see how Namath assisted federal agents in their efforts to enforce prohibition without being needlessly wasteful.

And now, because there is nothing else going on today, here’s a bewildered Italian greyhound wearing a Cowboys helmet.

The Raiders released JaMarcus Russell late last week, giving up on the 2007 #1 overall pick after only three years and $39 million, or about $100,000 per completion. (“How’d you manage to do it so quickly?” asked Alex Smith.) So now, the man his teammates called “Jambone” (from the French for “ham”) is now looking for work — presumably in the refrigerator. That’s a burn, fattie.

But honestly, at KSK, we have nothing but love for the talented signal caller. Yes, he IS talented. At wheezing and staying still. That’s why we’ve collected some of his greatest moments in the following image gallery:

<

Wanna get in on the Photoshop fun? Use the linked PSD files below to make your own, and email us your creations.

jamarcus

jamarcus-lying-down

We have four late afternoon affairs to keep you from venturing outdoors today, including three divisional contests. The Jets are in New England, and they’ve already learned that OWAH TAWMFOOLAHRY IS MOAR DISRUPTIVE THAN YOUAH TAWMFOOLAHRY.

- The Jets received an unwelcome wake-up call last night when the fire alarm at the team’s hotel was set off, prompting a complete evacuation. The Jets immediately suspected foul play, but their concerns were put to rest with a completely plausible explanation. You see, some maintenance workers were doing a bit of routine middle-of-the-night stairwell sanding. Obviously this created a cloud of dust that managed to set off the smoke alarm. It’s so absurd that it has to be true.

- Cue up the sad walking away music from The Incredible Hulk in Denver, because San Diego is going to hand the Broncos their fourth consecutive loss. Chris Simms will get the start in place of Kyle Orton, so Tom Brandstater should probably start getting loose now.

- Arizona is in St. Louis, but this game is barely being televised, so it doesn’t really count.

- Cincinnati starts their three week vacation today against the Raiders in Oakland, after which they return home to host Cleveland and Detroit. It’s going to be pure hell. Cedric Benson is officially inactive this week, not that it should matter.

Photo via Yahoo!

Every now and again, we at KSK stumble across something outside the realm of professional football that we feel compelled to share, such as Beaker’s adventures in the nation’s capital. Yesterday, when Unsilent Majority requested a Photoshop of a Nazi-fied Mr. Peanut for the Meast/Least, Christmas Ape obliged with the cheerful anthropomorphized fascist legume you see above. Just look at Nazi Peanut (full name: Stabgsefreiter Johann Erdnuss of the Fuhrer’s Wehrmact) — so dashing, so full of the joie-de-vivre that comes from the extermination of Jews to purify the Fatherland. How can he wear those jackboots and not dance a little jig?

So charmed were we with Herr Peanut that we captured some images of him hangin’ out with his pals, making the Third Reich a happier, more delicious place.

“Ze peanut ist ze only pure nut! Exterminate ze cashjews!”

This week’s Meast is none other than Jared Allen of the Minnebretta Favrekings. Allen plowed through Green Bay’s Clifton-less line for 4.5 of the team’s eight sacks. He later celebrated by shooting a black bear and feasting on it’s precious sustentative gallbladder.

You can’t have a Meast without a Least, and this week’s ignominious award goes to Eli Manning’s happy feet…

Int. hospital, later that day

Doctor: So Eli, after examining your foot I’m fairly certain that what you’re suffering from is a fairly common condition called plantar fasciitis.

Eli: Planters is fascist? But I love their nuts.

Doctor: No Eli, what I’m saying is that you have something called plantar fasciitis in your foot.

Eli: Can I ask you something?

Doctor: Of course.

Eli: Is Mr. Peanut involved?

Doctor: I’m telling you this has nothing to do with Planters or their corporate mascot.

Eli: Man, I should have known. Moishe has been warning me about that Jew-hating peanut for years.

Doctor: You’re not understanding me. I’m trying to tell you that I believe you have a medical condition inside of your foot that’s causing you considerable pain.

Eli: Okay doc, just tell me one thing. How did Herr Peanut get into my foot?

Doctor: I’m sorry, do you have some sort of guardian I could speak with?

Eli: Mom’s coming to pick me up when the little hand gets to the 7.

Doctor: Very well, perhaps I’ll speak to her then.

Eli: Sure thing doc, but leave out the part about the Nazi peanut. I don’t want Mom getting wrapped up in anything too messy.

Doctor: She doesn’t have to know anything about it.

Eli: Good, because I think I know just the man for this job.

Doctor: What are you talking abo-

Eli: [begins humming Comin' Home]

Olivia Manning: ELISHA NELSON MANNING, I thought I told you to stop playing Inglourious Basterds! Now come with me, we’re going home.

Eli: But Moo-oom, I have to kill Mr. Peanut!

Now that Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian have parted ways (nobody cheated!…unless they did) the NFL needs a fresh celebrity relationship worthy of tabloid attention. That’s why we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to create our own pairings out of thin air. Just like the publicists do it!

He’s got a thing for blond moms, and she needs a man in her life who can domineer her for a change. Bill will stick it out as long as it takes for him to stick it in, assuming of course that none of the children make eye contact with him. Ever.

He’s mopey malcontent and her ego has been known to annoy the shit out of her coworkers. They might as well hook up, because nobody else can seem to stand their presence for extended periods of time.

He loves to party and has been known to skank it up for the cameras, and she’s exactly the same in every conceivable way. It’s science.

Submit your own dream NFL/Celeb couples in the comments.