We have four late afternoon affairs to keep you from venturing outdoors today, including three divisional contests. The Jets are in New England, and they’ve already learned that OWAH TAWMFOOLAHRY IS MOAR DISRUPTIVE THAN YOUAH TAWMFOOLAHRY.
Every now and again, we at KSK stumble across something outside the realm of professional football that we feel compelled to share, such as Beaker’s adventures in the nation’s capital. Yesterday, when Unsilent Majority requested a Photoshop of a Nazi-fied Mr. Peanut for the Meast/Least, Christmas Ape obliged with the cheerful anthropomorphized fascist legume you see above. Just look at Nazi Peanut (full name: Stabgsefreiter Johann Erdnuss of the Fuhrer’s Wehrmact) — so dashing, so full of the joie-de-vivre that comes from the extermination of Jews to purify the Fatherland. How can he wear those jackboots and not dance a little jig?
So charmed were we with Herr Peanut that we captured some images of him hangin’ out with his pals, making the Third Reich a happier, more delicious place.
This week’s Meast is none other than Jared Allen of the Minnebretta Favrekings. Allen plowed through Green Bay’s Clifton-less line for 4.5 of the team’s eight sacks. He later celebrated by shooting a black bear and feasting on it’s precious sustentative gallbladder.
You can’t have a Meast without a Least, and this week’s ignominious award goes to Eli Manning’s happy feet…
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Now that Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian have parted ways (nobody cheated!…unless they did) the NFL needs a fresh celebrity relationship worthy of tabloid attention. That’s why we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to create our own pairings out of thin air. Just like the publicists do it!
Before this whole Favre-to-the-Vikes business blew up last week, there was one small piece of news that went unnoticed, due to its seeming lack of significance. Mike Florio of PFT reported that Deanna Favre flew to Green Bay on her own, without her husband in tow. For unknown reasons. What was Deanna doing back in the Brett’s old stomping grounds? The answer will shock and disturb you, as we have at last unearthed a transcript of exactly what occurred.
Deanna: I… I don’t know where else to turn. I feel so lost. My husband continually says he wants to spend more time with us. Yet, when push comes to shove, he always ends up running away back to the game. It’s as if he only loves me when there’s no one else around to love him. I feel so isolated. So alone. I feel you’re the only person who can help me…
Hey you! Yes, you! Ever wanted to punch a baby, but didn’t know how to do it? Well, you’re in luck! Because now you can learn from America’s top baby punching expert, Steve Smith!
“Hi. I’m Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers. Now that our season is over, I can get back to one true passion in life: punching babies. I’ve made lot of Pro Bowls and earned millions of dollars in my lifetime. But none of that compares to the satisfaction that comes with well-executed baby punch. I’ve punched a lot of things: women, cars, walls, dogs, mirrors, bathroom stall partitions, antelope, Ken Lucas’ stupid face, vaginas, and car rental clerks. BUT BABY PUNCHING IS THE BEST PUNCHING YOU CAN GET.
“I’ve punched over 347 babies in my lifetime. And now, I’d like to share the secrets to my success with you. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT, ASSHOLE? I WILL PUNCH YOU AND YOUR FUCKING KIDS.”
The Steve Smith 5-step baby punching technique is practiced by baby-slaughtering professionals the world over, from Colombia to Nairobi. And now, for the first time ever, Steve is going to show you how to punch babies LIKE A PRO!
STEP ONE: FIND A BABY
STEVE SAYS: “Findin’ babies isn’t hard. You can usually find one or two lying around Darren McFadden’s house. Otherwise, I suggest heading to the grocery store. Lots of women take their babies there. They’re usually sitting in the cart, crying or some shit because they can’t reach a box of Fruit Roll Ups or something. God, babies are so fucking stupid. I can’t wait to find one and then punch the shit out of it. YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT, BITCH? WELL, MAYBE STEVE SMITH NEEDS TO BREAK YOUR FUCKING EYES.”
STEP TWO: SCOUT THE BABY’S WEAKNESS
STEVE SAYS: “You can’t just go punch a baby right away. You gotta watch them for a bit, so you can pick up on their tendencies. No need to rush. Like this one time, I noticed that whenever this one lady said HOORAY to her baby, the baby raised her arms. That opens up a great path for your fist. So then I went up to the kid and said HOORAY! Then the baby raised her arms and I went BOOM BITCH! Dropped that baby like a damn stone. DAMN, THAT’S GOOD BABY PUNCHING. If that baby didn’t have a shit in her pants before then, she sure did afterwards. AND IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT, I WILL KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP.”
STEP THREE: BEGIN YOUR WINDUP
STEVE SAYS: “The key to a good windup is to use your whole body. Don’t just cock your arm back. You won’t get good torque that way. You want to twist your entire torso, so that you’re punching that baby with the entire force of your body weight. AND DON’T SKIMP ON THE KNUCKLE TAPE.”
STEP FOUR: PUNCH THE BABY
STEVE SAYS: “Now, plant your right foot forward and deliver a swift blow right to the baby’s face. If you do it right, you won’t even hear the baby cry! It’ll just shut the fuck up. It’s like silencing the crowd on the road. Can’t get better than that. The key is, DON’T BABY THAT BABY. Too many guys get into baby punching thinking it’s easy, and then when they gotta do it, they say, ‘Hey, why am I punching a baby?’ BECAUSE BABIES ARE STUPID, THAT’S WHY. NOW PUNCH THAT BABY, OR I WILL PUMMEL YOUR BALLS. STEVE SMITH SAY IT’S BABY-MASHING TIME.”
STEP FIVE: RUN
STEVE SAYS: “You have to be able to run fast, because the second you punch that baby, the crowd is gonna react. I like to run wind sprints all spring long to keep my calves strong. That way, ain’t no mother out there that can catch me. All they can do is yell and say, ‘AHHHH WHY ARE YOU PUNCHING MY BABY?! WHAT KIND OF MAN PUNCHES INNOCENT CHILDREN?! WHY? MY BABY! MY BABY!’ That’s funny. I PUNCHED YOUR BABY BECAUSE YOUR BABY LACKS HEART. SHE WAS JUST LAYING THERE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH. I’M IN THIS LIFE TO WIN! YOUR BABY JUST GOT OUTCLASSED!
“You got a problem with how I do business? No? Because I’ll fucking drive a car over your fucking parents if you do. DO NOT FUCK WITH ME. I AM NOT A NICE PERSON.”
Vince Young went missing for four hours last night. Rumors abound of a possible mental breakdown. Well, we at KSK don’t like to speculate. We prefer to get the fucking FACTS. Here now is what transpired in those four hours that Vince Young was MIA.
7:00 PM – Young stumbles into top area hair salon. Sits in chair. Demands shaved head. Despite protestations from salon owner Gerry Jovel that he has “absolutely gorgeous, nappy roots,” Young persists. Jovel reports Young is slurring words and “wobbling badly”.
7:25 PM – Confronted by pushy paprazzi, Young assaults them with an umbrella.
7:45 PM – Young, now barefoot and only wearing his underwear, walks into local Victoria’s Secret and makes quick friends with two local teenage girls. He tries on various outfits for the girls, not bothering to use the changing room, often asking the girls, “Do I still look pretty?” One of the teens, local girl Stacy Johnson says, “He didn’t strike me as crazy at all. I think he just really wanted a friend. He was really very sweet.”
8:12 PM – Young absconds with nearby baby and goes for a joyride in a stolen Corvette with it in the front seat. Shouts out to nearby motorists, “I AIN’T USIN’ NO CAR SEAT CAUSE I’M COUNTRY!”
8:57 PM – Young binges on ice cream and raw cookie dough. Gains 700 pounds and acquires horrible acne.
9:34 PM – Young gets out of a limo and is photographed with his cock clearly hanging out of his pants.
10:00 PM – Young conducts tearful interview with Matt Lauer. Forgets to wear makeup. Looks like the corpse of Anna Nicole Smith.
10:12 PM – Local judge takes away Young’s kids, giving custody to his layabout baby momma, Kendra “Megahead” Fetterlang, who then sells the children in order to finance a hip hop album. Judge places Young’s dad in control of all his assets.
10:13 PM – Young checks into Promises, Malibu.
10:14 PM – Young escapes from Promises, Malibu.
10:16 PM – Young goes to a nightclub in pink wig, uses toilet without closing the door.
10:35 PM – Drives into middle of desert. Buys a York Peppermint Pattie. Returns home.
10:50 PM – Embarasses self at VMA’s by dancing awkwardly and declaring, “It’s Vince, bitch.”
11:00 PM – Young forcefully strapped to gurney by local paramedics, escorted to local psychiatric ward.
