Tebow: …and thank You God, for all the wonderful support You’ve given me through these challenging times. I praise You for the loving and talented teammates with whom I share in this great experience. I thank You for the fans, who have always had our back. And I worship You for this lovely meal, for which we are about to partake.

Mama Tebow: More pot roast, son?

Tebow: Please, mother. It’s simply divine. OOP! I suppose that’s a bit presumptuous. Let’s just say it’s fantastic, and I Thank God every day that you chose not to abort me so that I may may sit with you now and eat this blessed animal that gave its life in order to sustain us.

Mama Tebow: I’m proud of you, son. You’re so humble!

Tebow: Well now, let’s not go touting our humility. The good book says, “The humble man speaketh not of humility, but acteth WITH humility.” I think we can all live by that example. I think, if I play hard enough and give all the credit in the world to Jesus, that people will see a different path. That they’ll forsake arrogance and embrace a loving and caring…

(door flies open)

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Eli Manning: Waited patiently for Olivia to sort through all of his candies to make sure none of them contained inappropriate messages.

Mark Sanchez: Cruised parking lots at area high schools.

Michael Vick: Watched the dog show. Masturbated.

Ben Roethlisberger: Romantic night with his fiancee. In a public bathroom.

Legedu Naanee: Asked random women if they know who he is, just in case one of them did. They did not.

Kurt Warner: Read Scripture with Brenda. And then anal.

Donovan McNabb: Cardiovascular training.

DeSean Jackson: Went down on his girl and began celebrating while she was still on the verge of climax.

Jeff Reed: Complained about the sloppiness of hook-up’s pubic hair.

Albert Haynesworth: Tried his luck over at the St. Regis.

Jason Garret: Watched Jeopardy and laughed at the undereducated contestants.

Dan Snyder: Doodled on pictures of Dave McKenna.

Tim Hasselbeck: Paid for hooker, talked to her for three hours.

Jerry Richardson: Spent his whole dinner talking down to the waitress.

Carson Palmer: Discussed trade demands with agent; showed his house to potential buyer; continued ignoring painful reality.

Jerry Jones: Invited 15 friends to a Valentine’s dinner…with only 12 place settings.

Brett Favre: masturbated next to a mirror while watching Super Bowl XXXI highlights

Philip Rivers: Sent himself a dozen roses and the biggest box of chocolates they had. Man, he’s great.

Drew Brees: Hand delivered homemade Valentines to all of the homely women employed by the Saints.

OJ Simpson: Laughed his ass off. Played cards with fellow convicts.

The Chiefs yesterday were the last team to be knocked from the ranks of the unbeaten when they lost to the Colts in Indianapolis, mostly because Dwayne Bowe can’t catch, Matt Cassel is awful and Todd Haley wanted to pretend like it was Super Bowl XLIV all over again and he was Sean Payton. The Chiefs might also have been as startled as we were to spot a non-atrocious looking female Colts fan.

But CBS, crack production team that they have, was able to identify a few other key reasons as to why Kansas City lost that escaped our attention. You might have missed them during the broadcast, but lucky for you we at KSK were able to screencap them.

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This week’s draft is ripped from the headlines. By that I mean I saw the newspaper in the shitter break-room and thought “Dude, this would make a kickass draft,” then I ripped the headline out of the paper. Apparently, some wackadoo bull went all Ron Artest on everybody’s ass in Spain. Or possibly Mexico– I’m fuzzy on the details. In retrospect I should have ripped out more than just the headline. Read the rest of this entry »

Thanks to Andy Gray, maestro of the SI Vault, for alerting us to another magnificent snapshot of our beloved drunken Uncle Joe. Continue after the jump to see how Namath assisted federal agents in their efforts to enforce prohibition without being needlessly wasteful.

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The Raiders released JaMarcus Russell late last week, giving up on the 2007 #1 overall pick after only three years and $39 million, or about $100,000 per completion. (“How’d you manage to do it so quickly?” asked Alex Smith.) So now, the man his teammates called “Jambone” (from the French for “ham”) is now looking for work — presumably in the refrigerator. That’s a burn, fattie.

But honestly, at KSK, we have nothing but love for the talented signal caller. Yes, he IS talented. At wheezing and staying still. That’s why we’ve collected some of his greatest moments in the following image gallery:

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We have four late afternoon affairs to keep you from venturing outdoors today, including three divisional contests. The Jets are in New England, and they’ve already learned that OWAH TAWMFOOLAHRY IS MOAR DISRUPTIVE THAN YOUAH TAWMFOOLAHRY.

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Every now and again, we at KSK stumble across something outside the realm of professional football that we feel compelled to share, such as Beaker’s adventures in the nation’s capital. Yesterday, when Unsilent Majority requested a Photoshop of a Nazi-fied Mr. Peanut for the Meast/Least, Christmas Ape obliged with the cheerful anthropomorphized fascist legume you see above. Just look at Nazi Peanut (full name: Stabgsefreiter Johann Erdnuss of the Fuhrer’s Wehrmact) — so dashing, so full of the joie-de-vivre that comes from the extermination of Jews to purify the Fatherland. How can he wear those jackboots and not dance a little jig?

So charmed were we with Herr Peanut that we captured some images of him hangin’ out with his pals, making the Third Reich a happier, more delicious place.

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This week’s Meast is none other than Jared Allen of the Minnebretta Favrekings. Allen plowed through Green Bay’s Clifton-less line for 4.5 of the team’s eight sacks. He later celebrated by shooting a black bear and feasting on it’s precious sustentative gallbladder.

You can’t have a Meast without a Least, and this week’s ignominious award goes to Eli Manning’s happy feet…
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Now that Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian have parted ways (nobody cheated!…unless they did) the NFL needs a fresh celebrity relationship worthy of tabloid attention. That’s why we at KSK have taken it upon ourselves to create our own pairings out of thin air. Just like the publicists do it!

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