Continue after the jump for the original image in all its glory.

But a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies.

Via the indispensable SI Vault twitter feed.

He’s the oft-criticized quarterback of the Chicago Bears, and he’s a bit of a dick.

This one was submitted by our own Christmas Ape. Now you can play along at home using the image macro below.

Thanks to Ufford for the Photoshop work.

The end of May marks what’s known as the upfront season in television, when the major networks announce their fall schedules in hopes of luring big advertising money. But this year’s upfront meeting for ABC was marred by the presence of an unknown intruder. Luckily, we have obtained a transcript of said fracas.

ABC Exec: This is a really strong schedule guys.

ABC Exec #2: I agree. We’ve got Bonnie Hunt starring in a new sitcom.

ABC Exec: And who doesn’t love Bonnie Hunt?

ABC Exec #2: And I love this new David E. Kelley series about gay lawyers who run their own pawn shop.

ABC Exec: I think that might finally be the right vehicle for Blair Underwood.

ABC Exec #2: I agree. And merging “The Bachelor” and “American Idol” into one show where single women sing for the right to be married to a record producer? GENIUS.

ABC Exec: GENIUS.

ABC Exec #2: I think we’re on our way back.

ABC Exec: I do too.

ABC Exec #2: Say, do you smell something?

ABC Exec: I do. Smells like stale beer and lobster shells.

(door flies open)

Tommy: FAAAACCCCCCCKKKKKKKK YOUUUUUUUU!!!!! FACK YOU! FACK YOU IN YAR RIGID CUNTS!

(dips)

ABC Exec: Who the Hell are you?

Tommy: FACKIN’ BAWSTON BRUINS FAN NUMBAH 1A! No one will evah take the numbah one slawt from Denis Leary, BUT I AM NIPPIN’ AT HIS HEELS! The fackin’ B’s just took cay-ah of fackin’ business against the fackin’ hawkey devil Rays, WHO NO ONE WAWNTS IN THE CUP! It belawngs back on Orr-ah Country, you whore-ahs!

(started watching hockey for the first time just last night)

ABC Exec: I think you better leave.

Tommy: FACK YOU! I have seen yar upcoming schedule and it is SHIT! Typical netwark TV cumguzzlahs! THE FACK?! I am here-ah to be your-ah VP of Cawmmon Sense! You can thank me latah! Just blow me and my boy Neil at the bahhhhhh! He’s gawt a cawk like a rhino!

ABC Exec: Can someone call security?

Tommy: Please. You think security can hold these guns down?!

(flexes)

I am here-ah to give you your-ah prawpah fall schedule. Now, everyone knows that Tawmmy from Quinzee has superiah taste in sparts, movies, writing, and girls who won’t go telling if you date rape them! NO ONE DENIES THIS. Everyone knows that I should be placed in a chahhhhge of every TV network, every movie studio, and at least four-ah NBA teams, especially the Timberwolves, BECAWSE THEY AHHH LAWST WITHOUT ME!

Now, take a look at some of these new shows my buddies and I brainstarmed awn the drive to Vegas. I drove 120mph the whole way. NAWNSTAWP.

(hands exec a sheet of paper)

ABC Exec: “Faggot Town”?

Tommy: Pickjah this: A streetsmaht, incredibly funny BAWSTON writah decides to take a jawb out in Laws Angeles, which is where-ah awll the faggots live! While they-ah, he wins the faggots ovah with his unique and lovable sense of humah. But he NEVAH once roots far the Lakahs. It’s classic fish-out-of-vagina tale! AND IT’S ANIMATED.

(eats lunch in Malibu with Phil Jackson)

ABC Exec: “Unintentional Comedy Theater”?

Tommy: That’s when I spend one owah each night laughing at things that ahhh nawt funny. Becawse when I laugh at them, they BECOME funny! LIKE TEEN MAWM!

ABC Exec: “My Crazy Hollywood Friends And Me Get Laid”?

Tommy: Exec produce by Mahhhk Wahlberg! HE CAN BEAT PEOPLE UP!

ABC Exec: “Saved By The Karate Kid”?

Tommy: Karate Kid, back in high school, tryin’ to FACK a really hawt chick. But it’s funny, too! And Mistah Belding is they-ah! And he’s always trying to be cool, but he’s nevah quite cool enough. UNINTENTIONAL COMEDY GOLD MINE!

(nods along furiously to Rise Against song playing in own brain)

ABC Exec: “Untitled HouseO Project”?

Tommy: My friends ahhh so fackin’ funny. You should see how many people signed up far HouseO’s Facebook page! THE MAN IS A PHENAWM, EVEN IF HE’S A YANKEE-LOVING FAGGOT! Wait! He could guest on “Faggot Town”! That’s crawssovah appeal!

ABC Exec: “World News Tonight with Larry Bird”?

Tommy: America wawnts news from someone it can TRUST.

(displays elaborate back tattoo of Bird murdering Osama bin Laden with his bare hands)

ABC Exec: “Boston Wire”?

Tommy: Like “The Wi-ahhh,” but in a city that MATTAHS. And nawt as many dahhhkies!

ABC Exec: These are all horrible ideas.

Tommy: FACK YOU! You think I came here-ah to hear a couple of lousy cahpet-eatahs turn me down? THIS IS HOW IT’S GAWNNA GO, YOU SLUTS. I have clout! I run my own website now! LOOK!

ABC Exec: “Tommyland”?

Tommy: GREATEST WEBSITE EVAH DEVISED! BECAWSE I DEVISED IT! It’ll have the biggest names in writing! BAWB RYAN! Petah Gammons! The carpse of Will McDonough! We’ll be doing a little bit of sparts, a little bit of pawp cultchah, and a whole lawtta telling dahkies they don’t belawng in ow-ah neck of the woods! I AM IN COMPLETE CREATIVE CONTROL!

(has 1,000 things changed by parent company bosses)

ABC Exec: That sounds awful.

Tommy: FACK YOU! What do you know about the ahhhht of writing? You ahh just a jealous hatah who wishes she were-ah pahhht of this, and you can’t be because most women ahhh uncool losahs! My dad said so! It takes a real man to sit they-ah, stare at a blank screen, and have the courage to write KOBE IS A DICKSMACK. It will hahhhhken back to the great magazines of yore-ah, like Inside Sparts, and Velvet, and Southie Illustrated! REAL FACKIN’ WRITING! You should read the 5,000-ward preview Mawlly Lambert wrote far “Saved by the Karate Kid”! I CAN’T WAIT FAR YOU TO READ IT!

(close to hiring Lupica)

ABC Exec: You know what? We’ll uh… we’ll get back to you on this.

Tommy: Really?

ABC Exec: Yes. It’s uh… it’s promising.

Tommy: BECAWSE I GAWT SHANK TO SIGN AWN TOO! FACKIN’ CLEANUP HITTAH RIGHT THEY-AH!

ABC Exec: We promise we’ll get back to you.

Tommy: Good. Email me at tawmmyspartsmastah33yaz@aol.com. YOU GAWT IT? Nothing is mahhhh happening today than an AOL email account and a remake of The National! FINALLY, A TV STATION AND WEBSITE THAT GIVES THE PEOPLE MAHHHH OF WHAT THEY WANT! ME! FACK YOU!

NOTE: Consider this post a Grantland photoshop contest invite. Send us any mutation of that stupid page you got.

Name: Cam Newton
Nickname: Killa’ Cam, Slashie

College(s): University of Florida, Blinn College, Mississippi State, Auburn University

Age: 21
Size: 6’6″ 250 lbs.

Bad habits: Constantly putting his name on stuff that doesn’t actually belong to him. Some examples include a laptop, a term paper, and Mount Lee. In his defense, they seemed like good ideas at the time.

Strength: Straight up wreckin’ shit.
Weakness: Showing his work.

40 time: Over or Under 4.6 seconds. What, you don’t bet on this stuff?

Favorite way to start a sentence: “I don’t want to sound arrogant but…”

Mainstream comparison: Teberger.
KSK comparison: LeBron James.

Who wants him: Washington, probably.
Who will take him: By my count there are eight teams in the top 10 that could possibly draft a quarterback. If I’m going to pick one I’ll go with…Tennessee.

Song he swears is about him: Ego by Beyoncé.

Immediate impact: Some shitty team has a new savior.
Down the road: Falls just short of icon status, but manages to entertain.

Brad Childress didn’t waste any time getting rid of Randy Moss. Hell, he didn’t even bother running it by his boss. So what got the lame duck coach so heated? The receiver’s on-field effort? The odd post-game comments? Or could it have been Randy’s Top Chef style judgement of the team’s post-practice buffet?

As is the team’s custom on Fridays, a local food establishment was invited to the training facility to serve a catered, post-practice meal in the locker room. In this case, a St. Paul restaurant that is a favorite of former Vikings center Matt Birk(notes). As the proprietors helped serve chicken, ribs, pasta and other dishes to Vikings players, Moss paced up and down the serving line and loudly expressed his displeasure with the offerings.

According to one player who witnessed the scene, Moss yelled, “What the [expletive]? Who ordered this crap? I wouldn’t feed this to my dog!”

Said the witness: “It was brutal. The truth is, he deserved to be cut after that. It was such an uncomfortable moment. You know that feeling where you just can tell someone feels so small? That’s what it was like being there.

“This wasn’t a chain – it was a mom-and-pop restaurant, and you could tell it was their best stuff. They had a special carving station set up, and there were players and other support staff lining up to eat it. And [Moss] is at his locker saying, ‘You know, I used to have to eat that crap – but now I’ve got money.’ You just felt so sad for them. I had never seen anyone treated like that.

“And by the way, the food was actually really good.”

But not good enough for Randy Moss, who apparently possesses the most discriminating palate ever to emerge from the culinary backwater of West Virginia.

If you were wondering why Dan Shanoff just pitched a tent outside of his local Macy’s, it’s because Tim Tebow recently signed an agreement to become the official face bulge of Jockey underwear. You already know Tebow pretty well. Now it’s time to meet The Bulge.

Hey guys, it’s me, Tim Tebow’s Bulge. You haven’t seen a lot of me in the past, what with those restrictive athletic supporters and my never-ending supply of strategically placed modesty towels. Well now it’s MY time to shine.

But before I go on full display we need to get a few things straight.

I’m not one of those greasy soccer guys with fancy Italian briefs. I’m a real American, and if you want to see my bulge it’s going to be packaged in the two-ply pouch of my Jockey’s. Nothing fashionable here, just good support for the Holy Trinity.

[jiggles ever so slightly]

Secondly, don’t expect to see any sinners in my ads. If I’m going to share the screen with a retired basketball player and a crappy actor it’s going to be AC Green and Stephen Baldwin, not some DECADENT HE-SLUTS.

Now if you want to be cool like me all you have to do is wrap up your bulge in some Jockey’s, and follow these simple rules.

1. Thou shall have no other bulges before Jesus’ bulge.
2. I come right after Jesus’ bulge.
3. If thou hath laughed at the previous commandment YOU’RE GOING TO HELL WHERE IT SMELLS LIKE VAGINAS ALL THE TIME.
4. Thou shall not worship false bulges.
5. Thou shall not covet another man’s bulge, to do so would be GAY.
6. Thou will never see any bulge in the entire country strain against the fabric as hard as I will strain against the fabric of my Jockey’s.
7. If your tailor asks you if you “dress to the left” HE’S A SINNER.
8. Thou shall not trust your child to a mohle lest he should develop a hook-nosed bulge.
9. When you think about it, a fetus is kind of like a tummy bulge. WOULD YOU ABORT YOUR BULGE?
10. Thou shall not caress thine own bulge with amorous intent. In other words, be a master Gator, not a masturbator.

God bless.

[twitches]

Images via Yahoo! Sports.

Hey, scheduling mavens.

It’s me, Fireman Eliezer, and I’ve got some kvetching to do. You shmendriks must have some serious chutzpah to schedule the first home game of the Jets season on Rosh Hashannah!

[has a nosh]

When I saw the schedule I nearly plotzed right there in front of my entire mishpocheh! All I wanted was to take my beloved bubbe to the first game of the new season. But I ask you, how am I to do this during the celebration of our new year? Oy vey iz mir.

[strokes payot]

And don’t get me started on that second home game. Scheduling our beloved J-E-T-S for a late afternoon game on the day Yom Kippur begins? Feh! You know very well that game won’t be over until the sun is setting. I’ll tell ya, it’s like a kick in the tuches! Sure, it’s all well and good for the precious goyim, but what about us, your faithful fans in the Jewish community? We give you support and in return we get bubkes!

[berates a woman for not showing her jewbs]

Hopefully everyone in your organization hasn’t gone completely mishegas and can get to work on fixing the schedule to better coincide with the new year and the Day of Atonement. And hey, if you were to toss in some coupons for those delicious kosher dogs we could put all of this ugliness behind us.

Shalom,
Fireman Eliezer

Welcome to the first mock draft of the 2009 off-season. Once again we’ll be holding a weekly mock draft each Friday between now and the actual NFL draft during April’s final week. Now if you’re new to the site you should probably know that these mock drafts have absofuckinglutely nothing to do with football. You see, actual football mock drafts are fucking worthless, so instead we come up with totally random shit to draft between the six of us. Feeling left out? Worry not, Nancy, because you can play along in the comments. Plus, during the time between the draft and the Hall of Fame Game we’ll be holding similar weekly drafts for the commenters.

Today we kick things off in morbid fashion with a draft compiling our ideal funeral playlist.. We go for three rounds in a snake format, once a artist is selected the rest of their catalog is off limits.

1. Ape
2. Ufford
3. Flubby
4. Drew
5. Maj
6. Punter

And away we go.

Ape: “They Reminisce Over You” Pete Rock & CL Smooth

Drew calls it a solid pick, and I cross one off of my list. Fucker.

Ufford: “Taps“

I’m going to forego an explanation.

Flubby: “Here Comes A Regular” by The Replacements

Drew: “Highway to Hell” AC/DC

No fucking regrets. I go down, I go down HARD.

Maj: “Tears in Heaven” Eric Clapton

My goal for this pick is to make people cry right off the bat to remind them how much they miss me already. This one tends to do the trick. Drew calls it hokey and Flubby calls it a hack song. While I don’t necessarily disagree, fuck them in the pants just the same.

Punter: “Amazing Grace“

On bagpipes, a la Star Trek II and Tommy Boy.

Punter: “Angel” Sarah McLachlan

Because my vision of heaven is waking up with my head in Sarah McLachlan’s lap and having an exchange similar to this one:

Me: Wh-where am I?
Sarah: You’re in heaven, Josh.
Me: You mean…I’m –
Sarah: I’m sorry, but yes. Your time on earth is over.
Me: Oh…
Sarah: All the pain, all the sadness you had in that world is gone. And you had a lot of sadness, Josh.
Me: I know.
Sarah: In fact, you were kinda fucked up.
Me: Yeah.
Sarah: But that’s all over now.
Me: It is?
Sarah: It is.
Me: Can I lay on your lap for a little longer?
Sarah: Sure.
Me: Thanks.

Indeed.

Maj: “Life’s A Bitch” Nas

Because I want everyone to know that life is in fact, a bitch, so they might as well go get high and think about me while nodding along.

Drew: “Big Poppa” Notorious BIG

Kind of mandatory, given my screen handle.

Dagger. This means “Miss U” and “Ready to Die” are off the board.

Ape: Flubby needs a My Morning Jacket/Grateful Dead swing.

Flubby: Actually, I fail to see the point in picking songs simply because I like them if I’m not going to be there to hear them.

Drew: Even when dead, I’d still like to impose my taste on others.

Ape: Very true. I picked They Reminisce in part because hip-hop would put off some of my relatives

Flubby: “I Saw the Light” Hank Williams

I’m not even a slightly religious, but like I said a minute ago, the music isn’t for me anyways

Such a mensch for a gentile, this one is.

Ufford: “Tom Traubert’s Blues” Tom Waits

Not only is it brutally depressing, but it has the tune and chorus of “Waltzing Matilda,” which is the official song of the 1st Marine Division in which I served.

Ape: “Last Goodbye” Jeff Buckley

Because I’m gay like that. And I’ll probably end up drowning in a river somehow.

Ape: “How to Disappear Completely” Radiohead

Despite being kind of dirge-like, it’s a wholly inappropriate funeral song, which I kind of like. And I get to go out super pretentious.

Drew: “Videotape” is the money Radiohead funeral song. /snob

Ape: Fuck you and your easy tinkly piano bullshit.

Drew: Hey, if I wanted to be doubly gay, I would have said “Fake Plastic Trees.”

Ufford: Pfffft…. “Fake Plastic Trees” was on the Clueless soundtrack and thus isn’t even discussed among REAL Radiohead snobs.
/would have gone with “Lucky” as Radiohead funeral song
//entire draft could have been Radiohead songs to play at your funeral.

The fuck’s a Radiohead?

Ufford: “Party Pit” The Hold Steady

Has absolutely nothing to do with death, but it builds to a climactic singalong of “Gonna walk around drink some more!!!” that makes it impossible to not want to get hammered immediately. And really, if all my friends (and enemies) are going to get together in one place, it makes no sense for them to be sober the whole time.

Flubby: “No Depression” Carter Family or Uncle Tupelo version

Either one works for him, so he gets Uncle Tupelo.

Drew: “Celebrated Summer” Husker Du

Played live by the reunited band on a beach in front of my funeral pyre. Then everyone must scoop up my ashes and toss them in the Atlantic. Then enjoy lobsters and Yuenglings.

“Don’t Fear the Reaper” Blue Oyster Cult (with Will Ferrell on the cowbell)

First they cry, then they get high, and finally they laugh. Quality funeral, now let’s go get drunk.

Drew: Mad World (Gary Jules), The Rising (Bruce), Reckoner (Radiohead), A Minor Incident (Badly Drawn Boy), Sunspots (Bob Mould), Theme from Glory, Theme from Unforgiven, and Dust In the Wind (Kansas)

Maj: Good Mourning (Talib Kweli), In My Life (Beatles), Ready to Die (Biggie), Another One Bites the Dust (Queen), The End (The Doors), Miss U (Biggie), The Crossroads (Bone Thugs-N-Harmony), All Eyez On Me (2 Pac)

Add your thoughts in the comment section, including your own selections if you’re so inclined.