Continue after the jump for the original image in all its glory.

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He’s the oft-criticized quarterback of the Chicago Bears, and he’s a bit of a dick.

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The end of May marks what’s known as the upfront season in television, when the major networks announce their fall schedules in hopes of luring big advertising money. But this year’s upfront meeting for ABC was marred by the presence of an unknown intruder. Luckily, we have obtained a transcript of said fracas.

ABC Exec: This is a really strong schedule guys.

ABC Exec #2: I agree. We’ve got Bonnie Hunt starring in a new sitcom.

ABC Exec: And who doesn’t love Bonnie Hunt?

ABC Exec #2: And I love this new David E. Kelley series about gay lawyers who run their own pawn shop.

ABC Exec: I think that might finally be the right vehicle for Blair Underwood.

ABC Exec #2: I agree. And merging “The Bachelor” and “American Idol” into one show where single women sing for the right to be married to a record producer? GENIUS.

ABC Exec: GENIUS.

ABC Exec #2: I think we’re on our way back.

ABC Exec: I do too.

ABC Exec #2: Say, do you smell something?

ABC Exec: I do. Smells like stale beer and lobster shells.

(door flies open)

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Welcome to another year of Better Know A Draft Pick. Leading up to the draft we’ll profile the prospects who are worth knowing better.

Name: Cam Newton
Nickname: Killa’ Cam, Slashie

College(s): University of Florida, Blinn College, Mississippi State, Auburn University

Age: 21
Size: 6’6″ 250 lbs.

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Brad Childress didn’t waste any time getting rid of Randy Moss. Hell, he didn’t even bother running it by his boss. So what got the lame duck coach so heated? The receiver’s on-field effort? The odd post-game comments? Or could it have been Randy’s Top Chef style judgement of the team’s post-practice buffet?

As is the team’s custom on Fridays, a local food establishment was invited to the training facility to serve a catered, post-practice meal in the locker room. In this case, a St. Paul restaurant that is a favorite of former Vikings center Matt Birk(notes). As the proprietors helped serve chicken, ribs, pasta and other dishes to Vikings players, Moss paced up and down the serving line and loudly expressed his displeasure with the offerings.

According to one player who witnessed the scene, Moss yelled, “What the [expletive]? Who ordered this crap? I wouldn’t feed this to my dog!”

Said the witness: “It was brutal. The truth is, he deserved to be cut after that. It was such an uncomfortable moment. You know that feeling where you just can tell someone feels so small? That’s what it was like being there.

“This wasn’t a chain – it was a mom-and-pop restaurant, and you could tell it was their best stuff. They had a special carving station set up, and there were players and other support staff lining up to eat it. And [Moss] is at his locker saying, ‘You know, I used to have to eat that crap – but now I’ve got money.’ You just felt so sad for them. I had never seen anyone treated like that.

“And by the way, the food was actually really good.”

But not good enough for Randy Moss, who apparently possesses the most discriminating palate ever to emerge from the culinary backwater of West Virginia.

If you were wondering why Dan Shanoff just pitched a tent outside of his local Macy’s, it’s because Tim Tebow recently signed an agreement to become the official face bulge of Jockey underwear. You already know Tebow pretty well. Now it’s time to meet The Bulge.
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Hey, scheduling mavens.

It’s me, Fireman Eliezer, and I’ve got some kvetching to do. You shmendriks must have some serious chutzpah to schedule the first home game of the Jets season on Rosh Hashannah!

[has a nosh]

When I saw the schedule I nearly plotzed right there in front of my entire mishpocheh! All I wanted was to take my beloved bubbe to the first game of the new season. But I ask you, how am I to do this during the celebration of our new year? Oy vey iz mir.

[strokes payot]

And don’t get me started on that second home game. Scheduling our beloved J-E-T-S for a late afternoon game on the day Yom Kippur begins? Feh! You know very well that game won’t be over until the sun is setting. I’ll tell ya, it’s like a kick in the tuches! Sure, it’s all well and good for the precious goyim, but what about us, your faithful fans in the Jewish community? We give you support and in return we get bubkes!

[berates a woman for not showing her jewbs]

Hopefully everyone in your organization hasn’t gone completely mishegas and can get to work on fixing the schedule to better coincide with the new year and the Day of Atonement. And hey, if you were to toss in some coupons for those delicious kosher dogs we could put all of this ugliness behind us.

Shalom,
Fireman Eliezer

Welcome to the first mock draft of the 2009 off-season. Once again we’ll be holding a weekly mock draft each Friday between now and the actual NFL draft during April’s final week. Now if you’re new to the site you should probably know that these mock drafts have absofuckinglutely nothing to do with football. You see, actual football mock drafts are fucking worthless, so instead we come up with totally random shit to draft between the six of us. Feeling left out? Worry not, Nancy, because you can play along in the comments. Plus, during the time between the draft and the Hall of Fame Game we’ll be holding similar weekly drafts for the commenters.

Today we kick things off in morbid fashion with a draft compiling our ideal funeral playlist.. We go for three rounds in a snake format, once a artist is selected the rest of their catalog is off limits.

1. Ape
2. Ufford
3. Flubby
4. Drew
5. Maj
6. Punter

And away we go.

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