Eli Manning: Waited patiently for Olivia to sort through all of his candies to make sure none of them contained inappropriate messages.

Mark Sanchez: Cruised parking lots at area high schools.

Michael Vick: Watched the dog show. Masturbated.

Ben Roethlisberger: Romantic night with his fiancee. In a public bathroom.

Legedu Naanee: Asked random women if they know who he is, just in case one of them did. They did not.

Kurt Warner: Read Scripture with Brenda. And then anal.

Donovan McNabb: Cardiovascular training.

DeSean Jackson: Went down on his girl and began celebrating while she was still on the verge of climax.

Jeff Reed: Complained about the sloppiness of hook-up’s pubic hair.

Albert Haynesworth: Tried his luck over at the St. Regis.

Jason Garret: Watched Jeopardy and laughed at the undereducated contestants.

Dan Snyder: Doodled on pictures of Dave McKenna.

Tim Hasselbeck: Paid for hooker, talked to her for three hours.

Jerry Richardson: Spent his whole dinner talking down to the waitress.

Carson Palmer: Discussed trade demands with agent; showed his house to potential buyer; continued ignoring painful reality.

Jerry Jones: Invited 15 friends to a Valentine’s dinner…with only 12 place settings.

Brett Favre: masturbated next to a mirror while watching Super Bowl XXXI highlights

Philip Rivers: Sent himself a dozen roses and the biggest box of chocolates they had. Man, he’s great.

Drew Brees: Hand delivered homemade Valentines to all of the homely women employed by the Saints.

OJ Simpson: Laughed his ass off. Played cards with fellow convicts.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in Tampa! Up next, it’s the cockweasel from the ShamWow! ads.

Hi, it’s Vince with ShamWow! I’m here to tell you about an amazing new product called the Arizona Cardinals. This team can do it all, and all for a low low price you simply have to see to believe. Whether you’re looking for thrilling trick plays, an opportunistic defense, or a scrappy underdog they have everything you need in a rooting interest for this year’s Super Bowl. I mean come on, think of the alternative!
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