Over the weekend Ohioans from all over the state descended on Cedar Point to enjoy the rides and take part in the celebration of Brady Quinn Day. For one special young lady the day provided an opportunity to stand by gasping for air while the love of her life walked past her. Fortunately the Sandusky Register was there to capture her reaction to such a thrilling close encounter.
When we last left record-setting piece of saltwater douchetaffy Peter King, he was celebrating 20 years of bitching about airport auto flushes, droning on and on about a college baseball game you don’t care about, and comparing the unparalleled experience of traveling through Italy to the inside of a Peet’s. No doubt hanging out in Panera is JUST like holding court in a Parisian boulangerie.
But this week, we have an MMQB column that is filled to the brim with pure douchosity. It’s a mammoth douching, as if a meteor made of vinegar crashed into the Black Sea. Let’s splash right in…
Now that the Colts–among others–have expressed interest in adding advertisements to their practice jerseys, it’s only a matter of time before game day jerseys get the same treatment in the NFL. The only real question is whether teams would feature one primary sponsor like we (okay, just me) have seen in European soccer or if players will get to adorn themselves with all of their own sponsors’ logos. Peyton Manning is banking on the latter.
Gisele, Bridget. I wanted both of you to be here tonight because I think we need to clear the air. Bridget, when Gisele said that our son was 100% hers, she certainly didn’t mean it in any sort of possessive way. She just wants to love and help care for John as if he were her own. And Gisele, I think we have to be sensitive to Bridget’s feelings as a hard-working mom. I know this isn’t the easiest of situations, but I think we can turn it into something really beneficial if we’re just open and honest with one another.
I’d like us to all bury the hatchet, and put our personal arguments aside for the sake of John. Gisele and Bridget, I’d like you two to kiss and make up.
Yes. Get closer. Don’t be shy.
Yes, that’s it.
Wow.
Fits perfect on you, fetushead!
Brandon Marshall seems like a nice enough guy, and he probably has plenty of friends around the league. But after yesterday he might very well be the most popular player in the league amongst his colleagues. Because fuck, who doesn’t love a guy who not only talks back to Joey Porter, but one who undresses the big moufed asshole with such extraordinary precision.
“Joey Porter is one of those guys who, when you’ve got one of those guys that talk a lot of trash and just want to talk about people or put people down, they have their own insecurities. His insecurities, I don’t know, but he’s definitely one of those guys who, you know, all those muscles are popcorn muscles, he’s soft.”
Marshall went on to describe Porter’s bones as being “filled with marzipan” while his cartilage is “nothing but pretzels.” Of course the young wideout wasn’t done yet.
We hear stories floating around the league all the time about him you know, in night clubs dancing with his shirt off like a girl…
Whoa there, Brandon. I know taking your shirt off in the club is a pretty douchetastic move, but please, try to think of the feelings of others who will hear your words. Right now Vince Young is locked in the bathroom crying his eyes out into his Hello Kitty washcloth!
