Sad state of affairs when a game between a 3-3 team and a 2-4 dream team constitutes the best primetime matchup we’ve seen in three weeks, but such is life in the big pre-flex scheduling city. The Cowboys are coming off a big win in which DeMarco Murray set a single-game Cowboys rushing record, which doubtlessly suckered millions of fantasy owners into starting him for the inevitable 38-yard follow-up performance this week (Yay, I’m one of those suckers!).

Andy Reid is 12-0 in games following a bye week, which is understandable. A week of gorging himself silly is just enough to temporarily sate Reid, freeing him of the distracting hunger pains responsible for maddeningly inept clock management. So the Eagles will probably win, and thus the storyline once again becomes how anyone in the NFL can possibly derail this almost .500 Philly juggernaut.

Hate restores us. Hate focuses us. Hate keeps us warm at night and spoons us if we so desire it. And no time is hate more powerful – more necessary – than the postseason, when those we despise are so close to getting what they want. I don’t get what I want, so f*ck those guys. There are countless reasons to hate anyone. Some of which you might not be aware. Or been made to realize that they are worthy of scorn. Well, you came to the right place. Allow us to guide you to the darkest recesses of the soul, where the streets run dark green with bile and everyone knows your embarrassing nickname.

This was supposed to be easy. After all, we’re talking about the Eagles here. The Philadelphia Eagles. Your hate for them should flow like Mississippi in the days following a record rainfall. But for many the hate has slowed to a mere trickle. And it’s all Mike Vick’s fault.

Once Vick was thrust back under center the Eagles quickly became the NFL’s most exciting team. They have been thrilling to watch, and the added story of Vick’s rehabilitation and reclamation have further diluted our righteous vitriol.

At this point the Eagles are totally like that one crazy hot girl that Bill Simmons probably never dated. We should know better than to grow to fond of them. As aesthetically pleasing as they may be, we must resist all urges to root for them in the playoffs, especially if they should happen to win the NFC.

Yes, Mike Vick is incredible. But just think what a Super Bowl title would mean for the citizens of Philadelphia and the rest of the football loving nation. Never again would we be able to dismiss their drunken fans with jokes about their barren trophy case. Frankly, I’m not sure I want to live in a world where the Eagles are victors, and neither should you.

Their fans, while often unfairly maligned, are still some of the league’s preeminent assholes. Their coach is big old bag of shit. Their top receiver is a dick. And whenever you catch yourself marveling at Vick’s brilliance just picture him stomping the life out of your childhood dog.

The Eagles may have drawn you in, but now you must pray that they become the next flock of birds to fall to Earth. Otherwise the end of days could truly be nigh.

There hasn’t been a decent auto-tune remix in, what, three weeks? I’m sure some of you out there are starting to get the shakes, so here’s Andy Reid talking about his quarterback situation with Kevin Kolb and Michael Vick (this was before Vick had the cartilage blasted from his torso. It’s not a five-star effort by any stretch, but it should get you through this rough patch, at least until someone else gets raped in Lincoln Park again.

What game was it this year when Andy Reid came out of the 2-minute warning, then called timeout at the line AND THEN TOOK A DELAY OF GAME before even getting a play out to his team? With game management like that, you could be playing Coy Koi Koy Detmer at quarterback and have similar levels of “success.”

HT: The Wiz Wit.

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

You need a little extra incentive to hate the Eagles? Well then you should probably attend an Eagles game. In an effort to spare you that experience here are a few things that should inspire some ill-will.

- The Eagles were named after the National Recovery Act’s rather fascist symbol.

- Invincible was typical Disney tripe.

- Brian Westbrook’s blood will be on their hands.

- Have you ever bet on an Eagles game only to watch Andy Reid completely fuck you in the ass in the waning minutes? Of course you have.

- During World War II they teamed up with the Steelers to form the most unholy partnership the world had seen since the fall of the Triple Alliance.

- Their official team blogger is a spitter, and a pretty shitty cameraman to boot. It really is a shame about the star, because verily, it tied the room together.

It should be noted that pretty much everybody in Philly seems to hate said blogger. Not that it should come as much of a surprise. People in Philly hate pretty much everything, up to and including cookies, orgasms, and their franchise quarterback.

- Witch(a)y Woman

- Best of My Love

- Desperado

- Lyin’ Eyes

- Take It to the Limit

- Hotel California

- Life in the Fast Lane

- Hotel California

- The Long Run

- Hotel California

- Peaceful Easy Feeling

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Cutler’s attempt to make nice, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC East, where every fan expects to go to the Super Bowl every year.

Dallas Cowboys

Five Fast Facts About Dem Cowboys:

• You haven’t seen Debbie Does Dallas until you’ve seen the remastered Blu-Ray on a $40 million television.
• The Cowboys currently have five players on their roster who attended directional Illinois colleges, yet there’s not a Saluki in the bunch. They have two from Northern Illinois, one from Western Illinois, and one from Eastern Illinois (the Harvard of directional Illinois colleges). Of course that list doesn’t even include Alan Ball who attended Neutral Illinois aka “Illinois Classic”.
• Wade Phillips is being forced to work for free this year after eating $1.5 million in pizza since the new stadium opened.
• Martellus Bennett isn’t from Jupiter, he’s from Lovetron.
• YEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAAAW, THEIR OWNER HAS A NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Cowboys have gone 9-7 in three of the last four years, so betting the push might not be the worst idea. But screw it, this is the year of the great Cowboy collapse and I’m getting in on the ground floor. Jason Witten is going to be blanketed by opposing defenses, especially if Roy Williams is out for an extended period.

New York Giants

Five Fast Facts About the G-Men:

• Steve Smith is probably the best wide receiver on the team coming into the season, and that is hilarious. He isn’t as talented as his namesake in Carolina, but he is almost as short.
• Osi Umenyiora wants to take a dump on opposing quarterbacks. Figuratively.
• Growing up in Alabama Justin Tuck was a fan of the San Francisco 49ers and the Dallas Cowboys. [throws book at Justin Tuck]
• Eli Manning isn’t the same quarterback when he doesn’t get his mid-morning nap.
• Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Okay, now that we got that out of the way how about shutting the fuck up every time he drags his old ass onto the field?

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:10 wins

Verdict: UNDER. Both the offensive and defensive lines are great, although the latter has been a bit banged up through training camp. The real problem for them will be the lack of playmakers surrounding Eli Manning. The secondary is able to play an aggressive style thanks to a dominant pass rush, however they’re young and largely unproven. Oh, and Aaron Ross is a big bag of suck.

Washington Redskins

Five Fast Facts About the Skins:

• 25% of all Redskins fans at FedEx Field believe that Chief Zee is a real Indian chief.
• The same percentage also thinks that Colt Brennan can be an effective NFL quarterback.
• With Colt struggling a bit this preseason some fans have shifted their allegiance to 5’8″ undrafted free agent Chase Daniel. Because they’re idiots, you see.
• Vinny Cerrato owns seven cats, and zero sharks.
• When I have a kid I want him to grow up to be Ethan Albright. Not because I want a tall goofy ginger for a son, but because the guy has been in the NFL for 15 years all on the strength of his ability to snap a ball a few times a game.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

Verdict: OVER. 8 wins? Choke on my balls, Vegas. One of the best defenses in the league returns just about everybody and they added Albert Haynesworth and Brian Orakpo. Have you seen Orakpo? He’s like Predator in a jersey. Fuck. I totally forgot that Chris Horton already goes by Predator. I fail.

/homer

Philadelphia Eagles

Five Fast Facts About the Iggles:

• King Dunlap will eventually retire to begin his second career as a tire salesman.
• Ellis Hobbs is really an inanimate stuffed tiger unless Kevin Curtis is talking to him*.
• If you call LeSean McCoy “The Real” then you probably suck.
• Sav Rocca is going to put some serious dents in Jerry’s big TV.
• I’ve had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

*H/T to Ape

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER The defense lost their architect in Jim Johnson, their leader in Brian Dawkins, and their anchor in Stewart Bradley. Pssh, defense is overrated and this offense can carry any team to the playoffs. That being said, Andy Reid will find a way to fuck this up. Hell, he already started last night. Listen, Mike Vick is a backup quarterback. So stop fucking around and making Donovan McNabb share the field with him. Let Mike Vick get to the point where he can run the second team offense comfortably, then start fucking around with your oh so clever gimmick plays. Otherwise you’re just taking meaningful reps away from the first team offense that you’re going to lean on all year to outscore opponents.

God damn, I’m glad I don’t like this team.

Eagles image via Flickr.