“A hammock is relaxing, unless you’re trying to masturbate in one. Then it’s AGONY.”

Looking to spice things up in the bedroom? Try bagpiping. She’ll never look at you the same way again.

Thinking about planning a vacation? Here’s my advice: go to Cambodia. There are NO laws in that place. I went there last summer. I machine gunned a dead cow. I purposely gave a hooker the clap, then wrote her a letter bragging about it. I snorted enough opium to kill Steve Coogan. And I killed an old farmer and buried him deep in the rice paddies. Then, I pissed on his grave.

Cambodia rocks.

Trying to figure out how to finagle that poker night out with your buddies?

Jesus, you’re a pussy.

Thinking about sexually assaulting someone? I’d do it to the babysitter. Teenage girls are much easier to scare.

Thinking about getting into shape? I know a foolproof way to get into shape. It’s called going to prison.

Feeling inadequate because you drive a minivan? Well, you are. You’re a pussywhipped dipshit, and the rest of your life will be unbearably mundane. I bet you’ll have to slam a door on your cock just to liven things up.

You’re a fucking douche.

Can’t figure out what to get for Christmas? I always a get hooker. No one returns a hooker. Unless they’re queer.