After getting a litte bit of inspiration from this Ben Roethlisberger post on With Leather, I set out to distort some of the other familiar faces in the NFL. I really don’t know how else to set this up, other than to say that the last one probably looks a little too lifelike. Enjoy.

Oh, how we’d missed you.

(image via)

It’s a record-setting fourth MVP trophy for the elder Manning, and it was not close. Chris Johnson didn’t receive a single vote, because as every sports writer knows, only quarterbacks are truly valuable. THEY TOUCH THE BALL MORE THAN ANYONE! At least Johnson is handling the slight with humor on his Twitter feed. He can do that, because he doesn’t keep his guns in the locker room.

Via TSB

PEYTON MANNING: Hey Reggie, look at this.

REGGIE WAYNE: Look at what?

PEYTON MANNING: This. Right here.

REGGIE WAYNE: Right where, man? I don’t see anything.

PEYTON MANNING: This. Right here. Right where my finger is on the page here.

REGGIE WAYNE: I’m lookin’ right at it, man! I don’t see anything!

PEYTON MANNING: Here! Right here! See my finger moving! Look! Right! Here!

REGGIE WAYNE: I see your goddamn finger, bitch! I don’t see nuthin! That’s a blank piece of paper!

PEYTON MANNING: LOOK RIGHT HERE YOU FUCKIN’…Oh wait, that is blank.

[flips page over]

REGGIE WAYNE: So what is that shit?

PEYTON MANNING: This is the Google Maps to my house. I don’t want you to get lost on the way to Thanksgiving dinner this weekend.

REGGIE WAYNE: Hold up now. Say what?

PEYTON MANNING: Mama’s made a big ol’ turkey for all of us, it’s gonna be real good. She said we could bring someone, so I’m bringin’ you.

REGGIE WAYNE: Hey that’s great and all, but I got my own thing going on for Thanksgiving, man.

PEYTON MANNING: And Archie knows a great fried chicken place up the road, so he’s gonna bring some fried chicken, just for you.

REGGIE WAYNE: Hey, I told you I can’t…What the fuck did you just say?

PEYTON MANNING: And Eli’s friends have this watermelon patch the next county over, so he’ll bring you a big juicy watermelon. You like watermelon, right?

REGGIE WAYNE: You better shut your honky mouth right now, sucka. I don’t gotta take this shit. I don’t care how many cell phones you gave everybody.

PEYTON MANNING: Aw, don’t get all fussy now. See here, you just drive down I-65 for about seven hours, and then you go–

REGGIE WAYNE: Hey Alfalfa! I ain’t going to your house!

PEYTON MANNING: Would it help if I got you a bus schedule?

REGGIE WAYNE: FUCK YOU! [walks off]

PEYTON MANNING: Jeez, what’s his problem? Oh, well. He’ll be in a better mood soon. It’s almost the first of the month.

[Fin.]

TONY DUNGY: So Rodney, what did you think of this post with Peyton Manning as a bumbling white guy trying to make friends with an African-American player on his team?

RODNEY HARRISON: I don’t get this post at all. What, are we really supposed to believe that Peyton has no idea how to talk to black people at all? Plus, it’s not really that funny. It’s just a list of tired black stereotypes, and it’s almost embarrassing to read. You can really tell this blog can’t operate at the same level without its star performer. These guys are really gonna have to get out of their funk if they want to get through the second half of the season.

TONY DUNGY: I couldn’t agree more, Rodney. As a matter of fact, I don’t even like fried chicken.

RODNEY HARRISON: Don’t like fried chicken? Bitch, what’s wrong witchu?

Now that the Colts–among others–have expressed interest in adding advertisements to their practice jerseys, it’s only a matter of time before game day jerseys get the same treatment in the NFL. The only real question is whether teams would feature one primary sponsor like we (okay, just me) have seen in European soccer or if players will get to adorn themselves with all of their own sponsors’ logos. Peyton Manning is banking on the latter.

Today might be Peyton Manning’s actual birthday, but last week he was celebrating early down in Key West, ostensibly to reunite with his old flame Kenny Chesney. As you likely recall, Chesney has a long history of making beautiful music with both Peyton and his little brother Eli, but never both at once because incest is gross (unless you’re in bed with twin sisters). Continue after the jump for the duo’s encore performance, a fitting tribute to their hosts at Sloppy Joe’s.

Video via FanHouse, Shutdown Corner, and more.

Scary news out of Indianapolis this morning. Apparently Peyton Manning has undergone a procedure to excise his scrotal sac. Reportedly Archie and Olivia decided that after 32 years it was time to get Peyton fixed. “He’s been displaying increased aggression towards other unfixed males, including repeated, yet fruitless, attempts to mount his perceived rivals,” said Peyton’s father.

Experts believe that the procedure will raise the pitch of Peyton’s voice by a few octaves, but nothing that should interfere with his lucrative endorsement deals.

Correction: Apparently Manning’s procedure was to remove a bursa sac in his knee, and not his scrotal sac as we initially reported. We deeply regret this error.