Now that the Colts–among others–have expressed interest in adding advertisements to their practice jerseys, it’s only a matter of time before game day jerseys get the same treatment in the NFL. The only real question is whether teams would feature one primary sponsor like we (okay, just me) have seen in European soccer or if players will get to adorn themselves with all of their own sponsors’ logos. Peyton Manning is banking on the latter.

Today might be Peyton Manning’s actual birthday, but last week he was celebrating early down in Key West, ostensibly to reunite with his old flame Kenny Chesney. As you likely recall, Chesney has a long history of making beautiful music with both Peyton and his little brother Eli, but never both at once because incest is gross (unless you’re in bed with twin sisters). Continue after the jump for the duo’s encore performance, a fitting tribute to their hosts at Sloppy Joe’s.

Video via FanHouse, Shutdown Corner, and more.

Scary news out of Indianapolis this morning. Apparently Peyton Manning has undergone a procedure to excise his scrotal sac. Reportedly Archie and Olivia decided that after 32 years it was time to get Peyton fixed. “He’s been displaying increased aggression towards other unfixed males, including repeated, yet fruitless, attempts to mount his perceived rivals,” said Peyton’s father.

Experts believe that the procedure will raise the pitch of Peyton’s voice by a few octaves, but nothing that should interfere with his lucrative endorsement deals.

Correction: Apparently Manning’s procedure was to remove a bursa sac in his knee, and not his scrotal sac as we initially reported. We deeply regret this error.

The Chargers have won their last two against Indy, including the Nov. 11 regular season contest, in which Pey-Pey famously sold the defense a whopping six beachfront interceptions and Adam Vinatieri botched a chip shot that cost them the game. What will take to get that guy to stop choking?

Not having to rely this time on Craphonso Thorpe at wideout, the Colts will have certainly more reliable, if less hilariously named, receivers this time around. Meanwhile, the roof of the RCA Dome may be opened because no one enclosure can contain the doucheiness that is Marmalard.

[Hell, Michigan]

Dallas Fucking Clark: Y’know, I like winning as much as the next guy, but I’m pretty sure this idea is for shit.

Peyton Manning: Nobody’s paying you to think, asshole. If this can work for New England, we can make it work for us.

MarHar: I know one thing: it wasn’t my ass what drug us down here. Ya’ll into that aloe drink? Pick it up at the Chinese grocer. Tasty as shit. Could go for some a’ that right now. Hot as dogcrotch down here.

Booming Voice: SILENCE!

Satan: Who dares encroach upon my kingdom of th–

Adam Vinatieri: Hey Satan.

Satan: Oh, hey Adam.

Satan: …my kingdom of the damned?

Peyton: We learned of the deal that you’ve entered into with the Patriots. I think you’ll find our counteroffer enticing.

Satan: Yeah, it was your basic team of souls for a perfect season arrangement. I’ll tell you right now: Matching that offer isn’t getting you anywhere. The Pats have good credit here, you know. You don’t know how many Southies I’m gonna get just by having Wes Welker on my side. I’m guessing all of them.

Peyton: Okay, but just wrap your mind around this…

[Sunday]

Jim Nantz: And with the tackle by Bob Sanders, that will take us to the two-minute warning. The Colts, up 34-17 on the Chargers, minutes away from an epic showdown in Foxboro. Back after this.

Peyton: Hey, Peyton Manning here to talk to you about a great limited-time offer from the Prince of Darkness.

Up to your asshole in debt? Finding payday advance loans and armed robbery to be too much of a hassle? Maybe just want some arbitrary bullshit?

Ever thought of selling your soul to the Devil?

Whoawhoawhoa. Hear me out. And you’ll discover why there’s never been a better time to sell than now.

Don’t be duped into selling your everlasting essence to one of those big corporations or, even worse, some Portuguese guy who promises you a bigger dick. Go with the fictive religious entity with a couple thousand year track record of eternal bargains. We’re offering low introductory rates.

What are you using it for anyway? Why not make that soul work for you?

[cut to family trying to pack their car to go on a vacation]

Mom: The car’s full. We can’t fit anymore.

Dad: If only we didn’t have these damn souls weighing us down!

Peyton Manning: That’s right. They’ll even take Hindus, Sikhs or B’ahai and shit. Whatever it is dark-skinned worship. It’s all good. Believe it or not, but your souls are worth only marginally less than a real person’s.

Tony Dungy: But don’t none a’ ya’ll faggots try to peddle your swishy souls ’round here.

Peyton: He’s just kidding. They took mine, after all.

October 19, 2007

Dear Diary,

Can you believe that Ashley just tried to have sex with me?

YUCK!

Like I told her on our wedding night, only one woman touches Pey-Pey and her name is Mom. I have sex with my wife the same way I have sex with you Mr. Diary, by busting a perfectly straight line down the spine. I’ve got control like Julia Child with a pastry bag, once a year I even write Happy Birthday on her back (I can’t get full release when those boobs are bouncing all over the place). But seriously, she should know better by now; sex with women is number three on my list of fears behind Hillary Clinton and ghost dads.

Here’s a list of5 things I’d do before putting Pey-Pey inside of a woman’s kitty cat…

1. Have gay relations with a cute little country music star
2. Defer any credit to Jim Caldwell
3. Quit acting
4. Call a real audible
5. Beat Florida

I don’t see what more she could possibly want from me. One time I even let her get a glimpse of Pey-Pey and the twins. That was the first time I conducted a public viewing since the thing with the whorish trainer at UT.

Gotta run to practice…big game on Monday Night! TTYL!

Shocking, I know.

Anyhoo, this is the newest video from BradyFan83 — best known around the Interwebs for the Kenny Loggins Rogers-inspired “Brady” — and it’s dedicated to a man who for so long stood in Tom Brady’s shadow.