PEYTON MANNING IS DONE FOR THE YEAR! SORT OF! In other news: Colin Cowherd – Still a human penis! Legit 100% confirmation! Also, Reggie Wayne has been downgraded to “useless”! Film at 11!

“To the woodshed, where we film and then watch hours of me beating you.”

I am disappoint. Cortland Finnegan’s horrid corner play cheated us out of yet another display of Manningface. A pity. This could have been the best Manningfacemas ever. But even in victory, there’s never a shortage of Peyton bitching out teammates on the field to let everyone know that something that went wrong wasn’t his fault.

And I hope you didn’t permit children to watch the broadcast (not only because you generally want to limit all exposure to Theismann and Millen) because there were disconcerting signals being committed. Heavens! That could only be more clinically described if they called then unpalatable gesticulations.

A reader sent in this incredibly misleading but hilarious still from a commercial that Fox ran for St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital yesterday following the Giants/Cowboys Blackout Bowl I. Now my grasp of theology isn’t the strongest, but I could have assumed Jude was the patron saint of lost causes, not the patron saint of creepy bald Cajun guys peering lustily at children from afar. I assume that fell under the purview of St. Carville.

More zaniness after the jump.

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After getting a litte bit of inspiration from this Ben Roethlisberger post on With Leather, I set out to distort some of the other familiar faces in the NFL. I really don’t know how else to set this up, other than to say that the last one probably looks a little too lifelike. Enjoy. Read the rest of this entry »

Oh, how we’d missed you.

(image via)

It’s a record-setting fourth MVP trophy for the elder Manning, and it was not close. Chris Johnson didn’t receive a single vote, because as every sports writer knows, only quarterbacks are truly valuable. THEY TOUCH THE BALL MORE THAN ANYONE! At least Johnson is handling the slight with humor on his Twitter feed. He can do that, because he doesn’t keep his guns in the locker room.

Via TSB

PEYTON MANNING: Hey Reggie, look at this.

REGGIE WAYNE: Look at what?

PEYTON MANNING: This. Right here.

REGGIE WAYNE: Right where, man? I don’t see anything.

PEYTON MANNING: This. Right here. Right where my finger is on the page here.

REGGIE WAYNE: I’m lookin’ right at it, man! I don’t see anything!

PEYTON MANNING: Here! Right here! See my finger moving! Look! Right! Here!

REGGIE WAYNE: I see your goddamn finger, bitch! I don’t see nuthin! That’s a blank piece of paper!

PEYTON MANNING: LOOK RIGHT HERE YOU FUCKIN’…Oh wait, that is blank.

[flips page over] Read the rest of this entry »

Now that the Colts–among others–have expressed interest in adding advertisements to their practice jerseys, it’s only a matter of time before game day jerseys get the same treatment in the NFL. The only real question is whether teams would feature one primary sponsor like we (okay, just me) have seen in European soccer or if players will get to adorn themselves with all of their own sponsors’ logos. Peyton Manning is banking on the latter.

Today might be Peyton Manning’s actual birthday, but last week he was celebrating early down in Key West, ostensibly to reunite with his old flame Kenny Chesney. As you likely recall, Chesney has a long history of making beautiful music with both Peyton and his little brother Eli, but never both at once because incest is gross (unless you’re in bed with twin sisters). Continue after the jump for the duo’s encore performance, a fitting tribute to their hosts at Sloppy Joe’s.

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Scary news out of Indianapolis this morning. Apparently Peyton Manning has undergone a procedure to excise his scrotal sac. Reportedly Archie and Olivia decided that after 32 years it was time to get Peyton fixed. “He’s been displaying increased aggression towards other unfixed males, including repeated, yet fruitless, attempts to mount his perceived rivals,” said Peyton’s father.

Experts believe that the procedure will raise the pitch of Peyton’s voice by a few octaves, but nothing that should interfere with his lucrative endorsement deals.

Correction: Apparently Manning’s procedure was to remove a bursa sac in his knee, and not his scrotal sac as we initially reported. We deeply regret this error.