Oh, Colts and Dolphins, you’re just one of those contests that was so much more interesting before everyone figured out how to stop Miami’s gimmicky bullstein. Besides, the Dolphins don’t matter when it’s high time for the Pierre Garcon breakout game! You know it. I know it. It’s gonna be just like Mario Manningham with the Giants last night.

Or not. But we’ll try to look surprised when DFC and Reggie Wayne get open when they should be double covered.

All right, kidlets – we’re firing up the Kkakemobile (”It’s the only car that needs a windshield wiper on the INTERIOR!”) and cruising down the HOV lane of the Dick Joke Expressway (formerly Matlock Expressway). I don’t have an EZ Pass, so you humps gotta pitch in for tolls.

Two teams hanging on the fringes of playoff possibility (and the Chargers only because they play in the AFC West) meet for the first time since the Volektricity memorably backed up Marmalard’s vicious taunts of Indy fans in what was the final game ever in the RCA Dome. Now the Colts can effectively end the Chargers season and do a big favor to their own Wild Card aspirations with another road victory over an AFC rival.

But who gives a shit? We demand more cheerleader goodness, NBC. You were so good about it when New England was in town. If I have to deal with the sulking expressions of Dungy, Norval and Pey-Pey with no cheerleader chaser, so help me I’ll switch over to Dexter. I’ll do it! I mean it!

Hey there football fans and fantasy owners. It’s your ol’pal, Peyton Manning. I know what you’re thinking: “Hey buddy, I need to know whether you’re 100 percent for the start of the season before I waste a high draft pick on you.” The same question sure is rankling Colts fans right now.

Let me tell you directly: I have no intention of breaking my streak of 160 consecutive regular season starts. I’ll be out there to see the Bears when we open the new stadium on September 7. No two ways about it. This is Pey-Pey you’re talking about. Don’t build ‘em tougher.

Pardon me for a moment.

[Attempts to take a step, a blood-curdling crack comes from his knee]

Aiiiiiiiiiii.

Ooooohhhhh.

Aaaahhhhhh

Heh heh. Just working out the postseason cobwebs. Everybody’s been making a big to-do about this surgery business. That’s nothing. Something like this, it’s just an everyday routine kind of thing. So I missed training camp, practices, preseason. Big whoop. I can watch all the gamefilm I want while my knee is immobilized. I mean, I can play through it. No problem. What do I look like, Tom Brady?

… who, by the way, is a tremendous competitor and I respect him greatly.

Nothing wrong with the knee. They just removed some fluid. I don’t even notice it’s gone, solongasIkeepmyrangeofmotiontolessthan30degrees.

So rest easy, everybody. I just got one more meeting with the doctors to show me one more minute procedure I got to go through before this is all cleared up.

Oh dear God.