Dear Mary Beth King,

Hiya. Just wanted to say that we at KSK heard about your new internship via your Dad’s column. In case you’ve stopped reading it — don’t worry, most of us have — here’s what he said:

7. I think in the interest of full disclosure, I want to report that my daughter, Mary Beth King, has taken a PR internship with the Seattle Seahawks for the season. It’s going to sound hollow to say I had nothing to do with it, but I didn’t. She applied without telling me. New family rule: Mary Beth does not share conversations with Matt Hasselbeck or Mike Holmgren with her father.

I don’t think we’ve ever been properly introduced, but it just so happens that I’m one of the more enthusiastic Seahawks fans in this neck of the Inter-woods, so I thought I’d say hello. I’d be happy to hear from you about any and all Seahawks-related news, and I’d eagerly listen to what you have to say about any conversations you have with Mike Holmgren and Matt Hasselbeck. Unlike your father. *cough* Deadbeat! *cough*

Anyway, nice to make your acquaintance. Please feel free to email us any Seahawks news, or press releases, or… you know… photos of yourself.

Kindest regards,

Captain Caveman and the Gay Mafia

People! Peter King needs your help! His MMQB column has long been a repository for softball stories, chronicles of his visits to the enema farm, very long journals of his summer vacation (he really did that this week), and, if there’s any room left, maybe a smidgeon of football insight. Just a bit. Not too much. That would be overkill.

But King doesn’t want to stop there! He wants you to help him think up new items for his column, so that they can be spread across even MORE pages on the si.com website!

I Need Your Help

In the mortal words of Mike Greenberg, “We’re back and better than ever.” (At least that’s what Greenie says at the start of his morning ESPN Radio show every day.) And as another season of MMQB dawns, I’m stealing the line and asking for you to help me mean it.

I want to be back and better than ever. I want you to help me find two or three new column staples to add to my weekly lineup of travel notes, stats, quotes, Fine Fifteens, players of the week, factoids that mean something to me, and coffee shots.

Well, we at KSK couldn’t resist such an invitation. Peter, we think you need to add these features RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

Ask My Brother Biff

Who Ass Am I Smoochin’ This Week?

Current GPS Location Of My Daughter

Another Wonderful Thing About Colgate!

Thing I Swallowed Whole

Stop Me Before I Mingle Again!

My Pity Blowjob Of The Week

Things In Brett Favre’s Garbage

Unexpected Thing I Found In My Stool

Another Brilliant Insight From Tiki Barber

Miscellaneous Douchebaggery

Starbucks-Approved Liberal Viewpoint Of The Week

Movie I Saw Recently That You Saw Seven Years Ago

Gratuitous Praise For “House”

What Is Wrong With People Who Aren’t Me?

Another Reason Why I Love Sugarless Gum

Thing I Got To Do That You Are Too Poor To Do

Hysterical Thing Frank Caliendo Did

This Week’s Opinion I Formed After Reading Newsweek

Edgy U2 Song I Like!

Safe Word Of The Day

Thing I Saw That I Couldn’t Believe

Uninformed Baseball Opinion

Yours in the comments. Help Peter King, everyone!

Hey folks, Peter King here with Sports Illustrated here with America’s bravest as they do battle with evil forces abroad. I’m a long way home from the cozy confines of New Jersey, but I’m here to support–

[explosion nearby]

Hey fellas, I’m shooting a remote, can you keep it down over there?

Sir, I’d like a venti Café Au Lait with extra whip and a double shot of expresso…Okay, okay, forget that; make it a tall Cinnamon Dolce Latte with Sugar Free Syrup and…Well where is the Starbucks on this base?…Are you serious? Okay, okay, just give me a Coke Zero, then. I’m not picky.

- And then get this flimmity-flam, General. I go to wipe my ass, and there’s no toilet paper! So I’m screaming like a banshee in the handicapped shitter in Hartfield-Jackson, “Bring me some toilet paper!” And then some janitor came by and stole my bags.

- That’s a great story, Peter.

- Hopefully someone will see this sign and send you boys some supplies. Thank God I’m leaving this place in two hours. No Starbucks, no satellite radio, no ESPN. Won’t it feel great to get out of this dump? When do you get to leave?

- Ten months, if I’m lucky.

- …Oh.

- Peter, thank you for bringing this to our attention. I’m going to get to work on a ten-point plan that will bring designer coffees to our troops. Just don’t ask for a timetable on that.

NSFW language, animated jizz

In case Big Daddy Drew’s Peter King fan-fiction gay erotica just isn’t doing it for you anymore, the twisted sickos at ZubazPants.com have unleashed this tale of wanton lust. We may have to do two cheerleader posts this week to atone for this.

KSK Reader Travis, via NFL.com, brings us Mike Rucker’s video of the Afghanistan trip taken by, among others, Peter King.

The fun starts at the 3:15 mark. I’m still not sure how they wound up taking that particular group. If they took Tank Johnson over there, the war would have been over by now.

What? Oh, no reason.

At a time like this I just feel like the unique vistas proffered by that span would have a soothing effect on my soul.

How warm would you say the water is this time of year?

Huh? Just curious. I’m often interested in seemingly arcane facts like water temperature and wind velocity and such. I kind of fancy myself the occasional marine scientist, you know.

When would you say there’s the most boat traffic during the day?

Hey, hey. No need to pry. Wanted to know if, say, hypothetically, something were to land in the water there under the bridge, would there be someone there to drag that something to safety against its wishes.

Well, thanks for your help. How’d you like this watch? It even has his face on it. [Sobs] I won’t be needing it anymore.

I’ll believe it when the police find Peter King’s bloated corpse hanging from the rafters.

UPDATE: Favre’s bro tells Mississippi newspaper it’s true.

And not a moment too soon. I was growing weary of my tasty beverage alternative. Have you ever tried slurping whipped cream out of Keith Olbermann’s asshole?

Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

A love letter to Brett Favre. Because what else would it be?

As you may know, our pal Peter King likes to insert a section called “Ten Things I Think I Think” into his regular column. This week we’ve decided to raise the bar. Why post what PK thinks he thinks when we can post what we think he thinks he will be thinking on Sunday? If you just took a bong hit you might want to reread that sentence.

a. Who is Domino’s trying to fool with this Oreo pizza? Listen up folks, the word “pizza” implies cheese. So until you put some mozzarella on that cookie you’re just kidding yourselves and wasting our time.

b. The only thing better than sausage wrapped with bacon is Brett Favre wrapped with Tony Romo.

c. If Norv Turner doesn’t right the ship people might start losing faith in his leadership abilities.

d. I bet Marty Schottenheimer could figure out what’s wrong in San Diego.

e. The Giants may not have any cheerleaders, but that Olivia Manning is one handsome woman.

f. I’ll take Mike Vrabel over Randy Moss any day of the week. The guy plays both ways!

g. Best college town in American? No contest, it’s Hamilton, New York.

h. I’d love to see the casting call for this Cavemen show on ABC. I mean, how many caveman actors could there possibly be in this day and age?

i. Canadian bacon is better than ham. There, I said it.

j. If Arnold Palmer gets credit for mixing iced tea with lemonade then you might as well call an eggnog Bosco macchiato a Peter King.