PK’s first choice in sideline attire

Last night, I caught one overbearingly hyped sporting event (Michael Phelps winning his record 8th gold of the Olympics, which would’ve been that much greater if Ravens fans didn’t get so much satisfaction out of it) and missed another (Favre’s first appearance in a Jets uniform). Luckily one of our readers was on the scene and, in addition to using my name as a verb, wanted to share this observation:

Without revealing my identity (rather not get Tunison’d), I’ll give you this heads up: Peter King was at the Jets preseason game on Saturday and, of course, his only focus was Favre. Dude was even wearing a green shirt. His first stop was Dustin Keller, to ask him how honored he was to have caught Favre’s first Jets preseason touchdown. And when the ol’ Gunslinger walked into the locker room and was approached by King, he said, “I was worried about coming to New York because it’d put me closer to you.” Said it jokingly, but you know there’s some truth in that.

Uh-oh, PK. Favraro thinks things are moving too fast! He just got into town and you’re already pulling a Laura Quinn and wearing the team colors on the sidelines at his games, then asking for Favre dipping sauce when you go to Papa Johns with him afterward. You gotta make him work for it a little. That in-your-face sluttiness might work with Tony Romo, but as Favre has shown in all his dealings, he likes his relationship courting painful and drawn out.

Oh my god oh my god oh my god! It’s happening! IT’S REALLY HAPPENING!

After waiting 16 years, Brett is finally coming to my home state! No more long distance relationship! No more driving hours and hours in the middle of the night to quench my insatiable butt-lust! I just… I can’t believe it. Pleasure overload! Pleasure overload! My God, WHAT DO I WEAR WHEN HE ARRIVES!

(rifles through closet)

Hmmm… the pencil skirt? Too prudish. The brum? (NSFW) Too weird. Oh, I know… the stockings! Stockings and a full-length mink coat for my Bretty! B-b-b-b-Bretty and the Jets!

I can’t believe we’re finally going to be together EVERY DAY. I’m gonna spend the night at his apartment all the time. There are so many things we’re going to be able to do. We can go have dinner in the city. We can go have weekends in the country. We can fuck like animals. It’s gonna be amazing.

I gotta get ready! Better call my wife…

Wife: Hello?

It’s over, dear. I’m so sorry. But Brett is here now. THE BUTTHOLE WANTS WHAT IT WANTS!

I‘m also gonna have to break it off with Tony, Tom, and Peyton. God, I hate doing that. I just loved the way Tony smiled. But I want Brett to know I’m a one-QB journalist! We’re finally going exclusive! I can’t wait to take him to my kid’s first softball game. I can’t wait to show him my garden. I can’t wait to sit with him on the train and bitch about the fact that there are people sitting around us. I can’t wait to grade lunches with him. I can’t wait to feel his manly stubble tickling my ball bag.

I’m gonna bring him over to the NBC set all the time. Collinsworth will be SOOOOO jealous. And I’m totally going to have lunch with him every day at Quizno’s. MAYBE I CAN GET A JOB WITH JETS AND WE CAN WORK TOGETHER!

God, I hope he moves in. Keep your fingers crossed! I know he’s tough to pin down, especially on the bathroom floor. But I think this marks a real turning point in our relationship. I think he’s finally ready to take this things to the next level. God, I can’t wait to have little gunslinger babies with him! I’m so in love!

I’M SO HAPPY NOW! I LOVE MY BRETT!

How dare you, Brett Favre.

How dare you.

I spend 15 years by your side. Defending you. Protecting you. Holding you close to my ample bosom after a loss.

And then this.

How dare you betray me like this, Brett Nathaniel Marmaduke Favre. I gave you ALL MY LOVE. And then you turn around and give your retirement announcement to this, this, this fucking SEA HAG!

The fact that you ignored me hurts, Brett. But I never thought you’d leave me for a WOMAN, you heartless bastard. A fucking Botox-stuffed floozy! You told me you were through with the ladymeat. AND I BELIEVED YOU! WE MADE LOVE UNDER THE OLD MAPLE TREE IN HATTIESBURG LAST WEEK AND IT MEANT NOTHING TO YOU!

What’s so great about this Van Susteren girl, huh? Is she perverted like me? Would she go down on you… in… a theataahhhh? Does she speak eloquently? Would she have your baby? I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother.

In case you can’t tell, I’m being angrily sarcastic. THAT GIRL IS A WHORE!

After all I’ve done for you. The times I covered up your alcoholism. The times I glossed over your horrible play. The times I killed those stories about you fucking half of Atlanta.

The time I let you use the speculum on me.

I hate you, Brett Favre. I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW! I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!

You made a big mistake, jerk. Hell hath no fury like a King scorned.

And not a moment too soon. I was growing weary of my tasty beverage alternative. Have you ever tried slurping whipped cream out of Keith Olbermann’s asshole?

Brett! Brett, my darling! Wonderful news! I got them to name you SI’s Sportsman of the Year! What a thrill! And you know why you won, Brett? Not just because you’re a great player, but also a great man. A great big man, with strong hands, and ruggedly handsome features. And such a broad chest. God, how I could just spend all day running my porky fingers through it. And kiss it. I lick banana schnapps off it.

Do you like your award? Do you? I got it just for you, Brett. Because I’m your #1 fan. No one loves you more than I do, Brett. And no one will EVER love you as I do. That’s why I got you this award. Now, maybe you can retire for good, and we can retire together to the lake. Would you like that? Would you?

What do you mean, you have to think about it? Think about what? I did it! We’re free now! We don’t have to hide! Or could it be that you actually want to spend more time with that floozy that you call a wife! Does she get you major awards, Brett? Does she give you pleasure the way I do? Does she give you a blowjob after sucking on five Altoids, like I do every morning? Only I do that for you, baby. You know she won’t do it for you. I let you play by your own rules, Bretty Bear. Just like on the field. Freelance all over me, baby. Freelance on my face.

What do you mean, you have to go? Is this the thanks I get? For helping you? For waiting for you all this time? HOW DARE YOU?! DON’T YOU WALK OUT THAT DOOR!

I don’t need you, you know! I got Tony down in Dallas, and he treats me like a lady! And he smiles! When the fuck have you ever done anything nice for me? I give and I give and I give and I let you stick a Dirt Devil up my rectum. And what do I get in return?

FINE, GO! I HATE YOU! YOUR WIFE IS A WHORE, BRETT! THAT’S WHY I GAVE THE AWARD TO BRADY BEFORE I GAVE IT TO YOU! I LET HIM FUCK ME IN FRONT OF A MIRROR JUST YESTERDAY! AND UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE, HE LASTED LONGER THAN THREE MINUTES! THEN I LET HIM HOOK UP A MILKING MACHINE TO ME!

(pulls down pants)

Take a good look at this ass, my lovely Brett. Would any other report wear a lacey t-back for you? Think about that tonight, you heartless prick.

GO!

LEAVE NOW!

Oh, God.

Oh, Brett. I just can’t say no to you. You know I’ll always love you, baby. Never leave me, baby. I adore you.

Sit back and relax baby. I’m going to give you a special treat.