(Chiefs headquarters)

Scott Pioli: And here’s the weight room. We just bought a million bucks worth of Hammer Strength equipment, which of course you have access to at all times.

Matt Cassel: That’s awesome, Mr. Pioli.

Pioli: Also, leave any laundry you wish right on top of your locker box. Our equipment managers will have it washed and folded for you the next day, any day you leave it. And if you have any training table requests, let us know and they’ll be added to the spread within a week.

Cassel: Wow. That’s amazing. I can’t tell you how glad I am to be here, Mr. Pioli. Really. I’m excited to get to work and help turn this team around.

Pioli: Glad to have you here, too.

Cassel: Although, I have to ask. I’ve heard some things about coach Haley. I heard he can be a touch… abrasive.

Pioli: Matt, I’ve known Todd Haley for years. And I can tell you that there is no more dedicated and determined coach out there. I promise you you’ll like playing for him.

(Corvette door flies open)

Haley: (takes off sunglasses) Out of my way. THESE HAMMER STRENGTH MACHINES ARE NOT LAID OUT PROPERLY. WHO FUCKED THIS UP?

Cassel: Coach Haley, I just wanted to tell you how glad I am to be here and to play quarterback for the Chiefs.

Haley: Who said you were playing quarterback? What, you think just because you’re here we’re gonna gift you the fucking job? You COMPETE for the job, son. Then maybe, MAYBE, I let you on MY FUCKING FIELD. You hear me, cuntnugget?

Cassel: I’m sorry, Coach. I didn’t mean to be presumptuous. I’m just really happy to be part of this organization, and I look forward to working with you.

Haley: With me? WITH me? What are you, co-head coach now?

Cassel: No, I didn’t mean it like that…

Haley: (chews gum loudly) What, you wanna call the plays now? “Hey, I’m the co-head coach and I say we run a waggle pass because I’m fucking gay and stupid!” Is that what you think will happen?

Cassel: No.

Haley: I CALL THE FUCKING PLAYS. Okay? And you will execute them WITH FUCKING PRECISION AND TO MY FUCKING SATISFACTION. Okay, towel boy? And if you don’t like it, THERE’S THE FUCKING DOOR, BRADY JUNIOR. I didn’t work up to this level just to let some no-name run this team with me. FUCK YOU AND YOUR WHORE OF A MOTHER WHO GARGLES COCK FOR LOOSE CHANGE. From now on, I’m nicknaming you Whorechild.

Cassel: I didn’t mean it like that. By working WITH you…

Haley: Let’s get a few things straight, grapenuts. You work FOR me. Understood? FOR me. Are we fucking clear on that? OR ARE YOU FULL RETARD LIKE BRAIN WATERS?

Cassel: Yes, sir. Of course. If you don’t mind, Coach, I’m going to go grab some lunch.

Haley: Lunch? You want lunch? What do you think, we’re some kind of fucking restaurant? You think I’m your fucking waiter?

Cassel: No, that isn’t what I said at all.

Haley: Are you calling me a liar?

Cassel: No!

Haley: Oh, now you’re gonna raise your voice to me? So you think you can waltz the fuck in here, CALL MY PLAYS, ASK ME TO BE YOUR FOOD BITCH, AND CALL ME A LIAR? You think that’s gonna sit well with myself or ownership? (phone call) That’s my phone. IT’S A FUCKING STORM. It’s probably my mistress. She’s a fucking sex kitten. Do you cheat on your wife?

Cassel: No.

Haley: Why not? What are you, a fucking gash?

Cassel: Listen, maybe we got off on the wrong foot here…

Haley: You accusing me of fucking with your footwork?

Cassel: JESUS! No! I’m just trying to make a good first impression here.

Haley: You’re fucking failing, Whorechild. TODD HALEY IS NO MAN’S FOOD BITCH. YOU HEAR ME? Maybe fucking Herm Edwards was a little food bitch for everyone here. Maybe he made you Jello Jigglers just the way widdle wubbzy zubbzy likes them. MAYBE HE WORE A FUCKING GIMP OUTFIT AND LET EVERYONE SHOVE CUCUMBERS UP HIS GAPING TAN ASSHOLE. But that is not how I do business. Are you telling me you want little Herm Food Bitch Edwards to be your coach now?

Cassel: No! I’ve never even met Herm Edwards!

Haley: You calling me a liar AGAIN?

Cassel: I’m just going to stop talking now.

Haley: Stop talking? Who said you could stop talking? DID WE NOT BRING YOU IN HERE TO BE A FUCKING LEADER, YOU FUCKING TURTLE DICK?

Cassel: Yes, sir.

Haley: You got a real fucking attitude problem, Whorechild. You want to be here very long, you better adjust your fucking attitude AND NOT TREAT EVERYONE LIKE THEY’RE YOU’RE FUCKING JELLO WHORE. I’m a selfish coach, nutrag. I WANT TO WIN AND I WANT TO WIN NOW. I WANT PLAYERS WHO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT MEANS TO PLAY FOR TODD FUCKING HALEY. YOU FUCKING HEAR ME? I HOPE YOUR FUCKING WIFE GETS BREAST CANCER AND DIES IN YOUR ARMS.

Cassel: Holy shit, you are the biggest asshole I’ve ever met.

Haley: FUCKING COUNT ON IT.

(leaves)

Pioli: Like I said. Once you get to know Coach Haley, you really begin to understand where he’s coming from.

Cassel: How long have you known him?

Pioli: Oh, we haven’t really on speaking terms for a few decades.

(Chiefs minicamp)

Scott Pioli: Gather round, everyone. Gather round. Guys, I know you’ve just been through a very difficult year. But I think today represents a fresh start for all of us. We have new leadership and a clear vision for where we want to go. And, with that in mind, I’d like to introduce you all to our new coach, Todd Haley.

(Ferrari door flies open)

(everyone applauds)

Scott Pioli: Coach Haley, it’s wonderful to have you on board.

Todd Haley: Coach? The fuck you mean, “coach”? I didn’t toil as a goddamn o-coordinator in the desert all these years not to be called HEAD coach, you bespectacled fat fuck.

Pioli: It’s okay, Todd. It’s okay. Do any of you have any questions for HEAD coach Haley?

Tyler Thigpen: Yes, coach. I was wondering when we can expect new playbooks so we can get a head start on learning the new offense.

Haley: What? What, you think I haven’t already thought of that?

Thigpen: No, I just…

Haley: You think I’m some kind of disorganized fuckface who wouldn’t already be preparing your playbook for you? What are you, A FUCKING RETARD? Were your parents retarded? Did they have drooly retard sex? What do they do, bang forearms to French kiss or something?

Thigpen: Jesus Christ, that wasn’t what I meant at all.

Pioli: Does anyone else have a question?

Glenn Dorsey: Coach, have you hired a new defensive coordinator yet? Are you planning on changing our scheme to a 3-4 like the Pats have?

Haley: I’m sorry. Does this look like the fucking Patriot locker room to you?

Dorsey: What?

Haley: ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION, TITBLISTER.

Dorsey: Um… no?

Haley: No, you are not a Patriot. You are a fucking Kansas City Chief. And don’t you ever fucking forget it, OR I WILL SEND YOU HOME IN A FUCKING PINE BOX. Do you read me? What are you, color blind or something? Your mother get the color fucked out of her when she was knocked up with you or something?

Dorsey: I uh…

Brian Waters: Coach, what is the status of Larry Johnson? I know he’s not here today…

Haley: That’s right. He’s not here.

Waters: Yes, that’s what I said.

Haley: You saying I didn’t hear you? FUCK YOU.

Waters: Wait, I was just asking about LJ’s status is all.

Haley: Well, your buttbuddy LJ isn’t fucking here. So I’m not worrying about him. If he doesn’t want to be here, that’s his choice. If he wants to be somewhere else, robbing liquor stores for alimony money, that lazy shit can go right ahead.

Waters: I just thought, since he’s one of our most important players.

Haley: Oh, was that your evaluation? ARE YOU A SCOUT?

Waters: No.

Haley: Then how the FUCK would you know anything? You know what your record was last year, dickwhipper? 2-14. So how fucking important can any of you pieces of trash be? Jesus, you people are all ugly. At least Phoenix had some attractive people. You people are uglier than a fat chick in a walking boot. HEY, YOU!

Tamba Hali: Me?

Haley: What is your fucking problem, asshole?

Hali: I didn’t say anything.

Haley: I saw that look you just gave me.

Hali: I wasn’t looking at you.

Haley: You trying to fuck my wife?

Hali: What?

Haley: “What? What?” Got shit in your ears? You trying to fuck my wife, cocksauce?

Hali: No, I didn’t even know you married.

Haley: What? You can’t read my bio before minicamp? YOU ARE FUCKING CUT. My wife is a 10. A TEN. We met on the back bowls at Breckenridge. You have no shot with her if you can’t heliski like I can. NO SHOT. You think you can outshine me? I’m better looking than all of you. I drive an Italian sports car. I know wine. And I’m worth millions of dollars. MILLIONS.

Dorsey: We have money too, you know.

Haley: SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU WANNA END UP ON THE BENCH LIKE Q BOLDIN, BUDDY? KEEP IT UP. Next question. YOU.

Dwayne Bowe: I didn’t have a question.

Haley: No curiosity about your own team? PATHETIC. DIE. Next!

Derrick Johnson: Coach, will we be receiving a full minicamp schedule?

Haley: What? You think I didn’t already have a schedule ready? You think I’m unprepared? ARE YOU A FUCKING MONKEY?

Johnson: What?

Haley: Hey look, everyone! There’s a monkey in the locker room! OOO OOO OOO AAA AAA AAA!!! I better smear feces on the tackling dummies for our little monkey!

Johnson: Holy shit, you are an asshole.

Pioli: Players, one thing you should know about coach Haley is that he has a very rare form of Asperger’s Syndrome that makes social interaction a bit more… difficult than it is for the rest of us. But Mr. Hunt was always a big supporter of encouraging people with special needs, and this is no exception here. So I want you to accept coach Haley with open arms, and I’m sure he’ll do the same. Right, Coach?

Haley: Whatever. Listen to me, you pieces of shit. I know you boys have been used to a country club environment here, what with Barney Fife in charge before. But that’s all changing now. You see that over there? That’s my office door. It’s never open. It’s always CLOSED. From now on, you’ll speak only when spoken to. And if you have a fucking question to ask me, you KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. There are no smart questions here. AND IT ISN’T OKAY TO SAY I DON’T KNOW. KNOW YOUR SHIT, OR I’LL CUT YOUR COCK OFF. I have the support of Scott and the ownership. So don’t fuck with me. Got me? I’ve coached way cooler players than all of you. I bet most of you won’t be here long. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. THIS IS HALEY TIME.

(leaves)

Bowe: That guy doesn’t have Asperger’s.

Pioli: Yes he does.