Chris Matthews: Oh my goodness, what a primary season this has been! I cannot believe it’s finally over! I tell ya, it like a great OVERTIME FOOTBALL GAME that kinda tires you out, but that you’re sad to see end! You got Clinton vs. Obama. Just two big TITANS goin’ at it! Howard Fineman, don’t you agree that this was kind of like a too-long football game that was actually too short?

Howard Fineman: What?

Chris Matthews: Tim Russert, what did you think of this primary season? I mean, didn’t you think is was just FASCINATING?!

Tim Russert: You hit the nail on the head, Chris. It has been FASCINATING.

Chris Matthews: I agree. I think this has really been FASCINATING. Real eye-opening.

Tim Russert: Agreed. Absolutely FASCINATING.

Chris Matthews: Turning our attention to the general election, Tim, what do you think we can expect over the next five months here? I think it’s gonna be really, really interesting!

Tim Russert: Me too. I think there’s gonna be a lot of healthy debate. We’re gonna find out a great deal about these two candidates, John McCain and Barack Obama. There’s still a LOT we don’t know about Obama. Right now, we only know his entire life story, the names of everyone he’s ever met, his entire political platform, his voting record, what he likes to eat, and this full body CT scan that was taken just 10 minutes ago. But there is still a LOT we just don’t know. And that’s all gonna be revealed. It’s going to be very, very interesting.

Chris Matthews: Well, before we get to that, let’s look back for a moment. Tim, we’ve been through, what was it? 50 states, and 54 primaries, with over 34 million people voting? That’s AMAZING! And this thing was so close the whole time through! How was Hillary Clinton able to keep this thing so close even when Barack Obama was beating her like a Bensonhurst housewife all through March?

Tim Russert: Two words, Chris: RACIST VOTERS. That was the one key segment of the population that Obama, for whatever reason, just could not get through to.

Chris Matthews: That’s amazing.

Tim Russert: It really is. If Obama wants to win this election, he’s going to have to do a better job reaching out to those hardcore racist voters. I want you to look at some of these polling numbers. Now these are FASCINATING. Racist voters alone make up more than 40% of the electorate.

Chris Matthews: Oh, wow!

Tim Russert: And they’re really crucial in swing states such as Ohio, Pennsylvania, Northern Florida, and pretty much any area more than 5 miles away from any major US city. That’s a big voting bloc that Hillary Clinton was able use as a base. Perhaps they admired her sheer force of will. Who knows. Now, the question is: will those racist voters stay with Obama, or will they vote for John McCain instead?

Chris Matthews: That’s a tough one. I mean, this election has had so many twists and turns. So many lead changes. I tell ya, it’s just like the Pro Bowl!

Tim Russert: And here are some more numbers that should give Obama pause, Chris. Among racist voters, Clinton won 100% of the vote. A clean sweep. And, asked if they had a favorable impression of Obama, virtually all racist voters said no. Now, that’s a lot to think about. We even have some quotes from some of these voters as they came out of the polls. And they said things like:

-“Fuck that ——.”
-“No way I’m votin’ fah that fackin’ dahkie!”
-“I don’t want no —— bein’ President, and that’s that.”
-“I likes my Presidents smart, and ain’t no blackies smart.”
-“I don’t want that black man robbing the Treasury for crack money.”
-“Ain’t he one of them colored A-rabs?”

I think it’s gonna be really hard for Obama to make inroads with a lot of these voters. They’ve got some very strong opinions.

Chris Matthews: Well, why do you think Obama has such a tough time connecting with racist voters?

Tim Russert: Well, that’s the real puzzle. It could be because he went to Harvard. Racist people seem to have great antipathy towards institutions of higher learning. It also could be because Obama grew up in Hawaii. Again, he’s got that kind of outsider mystique. He’s very dark and exotic looking. These people just can’t seem to relate to him. It’s gonna take a lot more polling and research to figure out exactly why.

Chris Matthews: Let’s bring in Pat Buchanan for a moment. Pat, what do you think Barack Obama can do to help win over some of these racist voters?

Pat Buchanan: Well, I think no matter what he does, Chris, he’s going to have a tough time. Remember, not only is he black, but he’s also MARRIED to a black woman, and that’s still very taboo in certain sections of the country.

Chris Matthews: You’ve met plenty of racists on the campaign trail, Pat. You’re even one yourself. What do you think racists would like to see out of Obama?

Pat Buchanan: I think they’d like to see him get tougher with blacks. You know, for racist voters, the #1 issue in this campaign will be RACE. So Obama’s not gonna get away with simply paying lip service to these people. He’s gonna have to go all out. Renouncing this… what was his name? Wright? Renouncing that Wright fellow isn’t going to be enough. I think what he’s going to have to do is renounce his blackness.

Chris Matthews: Will it be easy for him to make a clean break with being black?

Pat Buchanan: No, I don’t think it will be, because he’s black. But I think he can take steps to distance himself from that fact. Perhaps if he wore brighter pancake makeup. Or if he were to announce that he was openly afraid of black people, as so many of these people are. I think that might go a long way to bridging the gap.

Tim Russert: I’ll tell you one other thing he can do, Chris. He can hang out in the tailgate lot this fall with lots of racist NFL fans. Like the ones in Foxboro, and Jacksonville, and Washington, and Philly, and Baltimore, and Dallas, and Houston, and Charlotte, and New Orleans, and New York, and Cincinnati. Lot of racist voters in Cincy. And let’s not forget about the NFC North. Those people in the upper Midwest are very polite, but that doesn’t mean the idea of a black President doesn’t make them want to throw up their knockwurst. And, frankly, if you’ve ever heard the PA announcer at Detroit Piston games, you kind of understand why.

Pat Buchanan: I agree with that.

Tim Russert: Anyway, when those people get shitfaced, you should hear how often the n-word flies out. I think Obama and his campaign director David Axelrod really need to spend time with these people, so that they can get to know him. Because I don’t think he’s done a very good job introducing himself to racist voters. He seemingly doesn’t want to engage them.

Pat Buchanan: That’s because he’s an elitist, Tim!

Tim Russert: Yes, and he also hangs out in California a lot, which racist voters don’t like. Although, you’d be shocked at some of the casual racism among Southern Cali douchebags. Really striking.

Chris Matthews: I just find it amazing that some of these voters would go from voting for Clinton, who has virtually the same positions as Obama, to supporting McCain. That seems crazy to me. Howard Fineman, why don’t these racist voters like Obama? It’s almost like they hate him!

Howard Fineman: You people are fucking retarded.

Chris Matthews: Wow, what an amazing day. We’ve got TWO enormous primaries going on. Indiana and North Carolina. Lots of big, big delegates up for grabs. The impact of what happens today is gonna reverberate ALL across the country. You know… this is amazing! This is REALLY amazing! Ya gotta love it! Howard Fineman of Newsweek joins us now. Hey Howard…

Howard Fineman: Yes?

Chris: Isn’t this election just like a great FOOTBALL GAME? I mean, like a great knockdown, drag-out football game, where people are hitting each other really hard and really going at it? Don’t you think it’s just like a football game?

Howard: Not really, no.

Chris: I think it’s just like a football game, I really do. It reminds me of, you know, going to the stadium and seeing two teams just BATTLE back and forth. Only now we’re in OVERTIME! Isn’t it just like an OVER TIME FOOTBALL GAME?

Howard: Again, no. Football is an athletic contest played on a field whose outcome is determined by some combination of physical skill and good luck. This is a presidential primary election, whose outcome hinges on grass roots organization and effective if sometimes duplicitous PR and ad campaigns. It’s, you know, totally different.

Chris: Yeah, but can’t you just see Obama as the cocky young quarterback, who isn’t favored to win, but finds himself with a giant lead at the half? Only now he’s just trying to hang onto that lead, while the original favorite storms back and makes him sweat a little? Huh? I think he’s just like that. Don’t you think he’s like a football UNDERDOG here? A football underdog who kinda becomes the favorite, only to slip a little and therefore regain his underdog status? Isn’t he kinda like a slightly favored underdog?

Howard: What?

Chris: And can’t you see Hillary Clinton as the savvy veteran coach over on the other sideline? And she’s been through THE WARS! I mean, she’s seen it all! And now this young upstart throws her off at the beginning, so now she has to use all her wiles to get her team back in it? Don’t you think? You know, I think she’s just like Weeb Ewbank!

Howard: I don’t really see the connection.

Chris: I mean, isn’t this just FASCINATING! I think it is absolutely FASCINATING! The twists. The turns. Just a RIVETING five months. Don’t you think?

Howard: No, not really. I think many people found it interesting the first week or so, but would now happily mash their testicles in a garlic press rather than have this god-awful slog carry on one excruciating day longer.

Chris: It IS great, isn’t it? Say, don’t you think Obama supporters are just like Jacksonville Jaguars fans? I mean, they’re new to the whole football-slash-politics thing, BUT THEY LOVE IT! Then reality sets in a bit, and they kind of have to weather the storm. And they say, “Hey wait a second! This isn’t fair!” But then they figure it out it’s just HOW THE GAME IS PLAYED! Don’t you think Barack Obama is just like David Garrard?

Howard: Who?

Chris: Let’s bring on Tim Russert here. Tim, don’t you think this election is just like a great FOOTBALL GAME?

Tim: You said it. A real barnburner, Chris.

Howard: Jesus.

Tim: You know, it reminds me a lot of when my dad, BIG RUSS, and I watched Bills games together. Just one of those real back-and-forth games. You had Jim Kelly, the great, All-pro quarterback. And you had Thurman Thomas, the wonderful running back. Those were real competitions. And that’s what we have here. A REAL competition. With Barack Obama, whose this sort of great, unpolished talent. Very much like Vince Young, the quarterback down in Tennessee.

Chris: I agree. I think he’s just like Vince Young, right down to the gay throwing motion. This REALLY is astounding. I’ve always said politics is just like football, and it’s showing here.

Tim: Actually Chris, you have deviated from that platform on occasion. I have a quote here that YOU gave to MSNBC just two months earlier where you said, quote: “I think this election is just like a GREAT HEAVYWEIGHT BOXING MATCH,” unquote. So you said boxing match back then, and now you’re saying football. How do you reconcile those two positions?

Chris: HA! That’s amazing, Tim! God, you’re just like a GREAT TENNIS PLAYER! Always volleying back and forth with all kinds of moves. It’s amazing! Let’s bring on Senator Clinton here for a moment. Senator Clinton, don’t you think you’re just like BILL BELICHICK? Always scheming, sort of seeking out that winning edge any way you can find it? In fact, don’t you and your husband combine to represent Belichick perfectly, with your knack for evil plotting and your husband’s penchant for hot cougar tail?

Clinton: I don’t really know about that, Chris. All I really know is that we’re gonna need someone who is ready to lead this country, someone with over 35 years of experience. I also know that Jeremiah Wright is the sort of dangerous, untamed black man who could single handedly destroy this nation with his bare hands, and that his Unruly Negro Disease could have been passed on to Barack Obama at any point during his 20 years in the church. And I think white people in rural areas really need to think about that.

Chris: Omigod, Jeremiah Wright! He’s incredible. Don’t you think he’s EXACTLY like Terrell Owens? Always coming by to throw a monkey wrench into the team chemistry?

Clinton: Yes, that’s an excellent analogy.

Tim: And John Edwards kinda looks like a young college basketball coach.

Chris: Let me ask you both. Don’t you think John McCain is just like Tom Coughlin? With the all the pent-up anger and what not?

Howard: Christ.