Putting the Super Mario Bros. Above These Hos

Christmas Ape — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 20:10:00 +0000

The Niners defense is already on my good side for putting up 39 points in fantasy last week, which almost single-handedly gave me a victory over Ufford. Nevermind that they might have a hard time duplicating that feat against a team not as surpassingly awful as the Rams, I still dig ‘em, but mostly because criminally unrecognized linebacker Patrick Willis don’t mess with none of them womenfolk who try to get in the way of his video gaming.

Cosmo: What’s something a woman might say that would turn you off?
Patrick: “If she said she doesn’t like men who play video games, that would be a problem. I’m a video game fanatic!”

YEAH – AIN’T NO PUSSY GOOD ENOUGH TO STOP ME FROM GETTING THE NEW GRAND THEFT AUTO DLC LATER THIS MONTH! YOU GET TO PARACHUTE IN THAT JOINT! I CAN’T PARACHUTE INTO NO PUSSY! YOU GET PUSSYCHUTES, MAYBE WE TALK!

I also greatly anticipate what will likely be a minimum 30 cutaway shots to the finally signed Michael Crabtree on the sidelines during this game. Which hilariously dated cultural icon will be joining him today?

I’m also a little concerned that the Falcons seem to be the overwhelming consensus choice to win this game. DON’T PEOPLE KNOW SHAUN HILL IS 7-0 AS A STARTER IN CANDLESTICK?

In other late game notes:

Matt Hasselbeck is expected to start for the first time since Sept. 20, as Jacksonville pays a visit to Seattle. With 19 catches for 278 yards and three touchdowns over the past three weeks, Mike Sims-Walker has emerged as – get this! – an actual receiving threat for the Jags. Apparently this is the year where teams get the one commodity that they frequently lack – the Bears, a quarterback; the Ravens, a passing game; the Jaguars, a receiver; the Lions, a win.

Oh great – a completely disingenuous Brandon Marshall interview with Michael Irvin about burnishing his image. Because game-winning TDs completely erase repeated domestic assault charges, or stabbing your teammate with scissors! Troy Aikman said no one works harder at practice! I SEE A NOBEL PRIZE FOR PRACTICE IN YOUR FUTURE, BRANDON!

The Texans and the Cardinals ideally would be a non-stop barrage of Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald breaking 75-yard touchdowns despite seeing double coverage on every play. But they always disappoint you by only getting 45-yard scores. Call me finicky, but those aren’t quite as flashy to me.

Tale of the Tape: Patrick Willis vs. Adrian Wilson

Unsilent Majority — Thu, 21 Aug 2008 16:44:15 +0000

Competitor (seed): Patrick Willis (7)

Nickname: The Rolling Ball of Butcher Knives

Height: 6′1″

Weight: 242 lbs.

Reach: That nickname (bestowed upon him by Brad Childress)

Sponsor: Under Armor

Ring Music: Boom

Hometown: Bruceton, Tennessee, the home of literally dozens of other people.

Pedigree: Patrick had the kind of tragic childhood that we’ve seen from countless boxers over the years. The Peterson brothers are a great example of how boxing can help young men learn proper focus and discipline in the wake of tragedy.

Strength(s): Seeking. Destroying.

Weakness: Fudge

Predilection towards violence: Paternal neglect oftentimes results in pent up aggression.

Fighting Style: Willis is a whirling dervish in the ring. He’s going to throw punches, and if you’re too crazy/slow to stay out of his way you’re gonna have a bad day.

Competitor (seed): Adrian Wilson (10)

Nickname: “A-Dub” (sigh)

Height: 6′3″

Weight: 230

Reach: He’s a Cardinal, so he’s obviously not a real contender.

Sponsor: Creative Recreation

Ring Music: Last Caress by Will Leitch and the Wailers

Hometown: High Point, NC. So if you need any furniture, you know who to ask.

Pedigree: Adrian has always excelled at a variety of sports. In fact, he was an honorable mention high school All American in basketball.

Predilection towards violence: None that’s readily apparent. But he does own a sneaker boutique in Scottsdale called High Point Shoes, and that alone kicks ass.

Strength: Freakish athleticism.

Weakness: Anything with a patent leather trim.

Fighting Style: You can call Adrian a finesse fighter if you want, but there’s a good chance he’ll knock you out in retaliation for such a slight.

Kissing Suzy Kolber » Patrick Willis

Putting the Super Mario Bros. Above These Hos

Tale of the Tape: Patrick Willis vs. Adrian Wilson