Your four-star rating system regrets to inform you that if today’s early games were a bag of Halloween candy, you’d probably want to torch a few houses in your neighborhood.

Arizona at Baltimore (Zagnut) **
Minnesota at Carolina (Sweet Tarts) *
Jacksonville at Houston (Candy Corn) **
Miami at NY Giants (Jesus tract) *
New Orleans at St. Louis (box of raisins) **
Indianapolis at Tennessee (toothbrush) *

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the NFC South, which boasts of being the third most interesting football division to Southerners, behind the two in the SEC.

ATLANTA FALCONS

Key Additions: Dunta Robinson, Jason Heyward (it’s the only way to get Atlanta fans to pay attention)

Key Departures: Tye Hill

Five Fast Facts About The Falcons:
- Matty Ice is following the example of many other 20-somethings and staving off the need to develop into his full potential until at least his 30s.
- Jerious Norwood averaged fewer than five yards per carry for the first time in 2009. An thus the torch was passed to [other lusted over back-up rusher who is perceived to get too few carries].
- Rookie linebacker Bear Woods not only has an awesome name, but he’s this year’s recipient of the Drexl Spivey Award for Best White Dreadlocks. Previous winners include former 49er fullback Zak Keasey.

- Noted do-gooder and macrobiotic dieter Tony Gonzalez last year posed naked for a PETA ad. This year: a promotion for Naked Juice in which he dons animal pelts.
- Second-year tight end Keith Zinger can’t say anything without you thinking he’s insulting you.

Over/Under For 2010: 9 wins

Verdict: OVER

Michael Turner was hurt for a good portion of last season. That and their defense being largely horrendous meant taking a step back from their 11-win season in 2008. Despite starting the season with Michael Jenkins injured and Jonathan Babineaux suspended, I like Atlanta to get back to the 10-win mark in 2010. It also helps that they’re probably be gifted four victories from the Bucs and Panthers.

CAROLINA PANTHERS

Good idea, Jimmy. Get Steve Smith accustomed to hitting you with his fists.

Key Additions: F*ckface Jimmy Clausen

Key Departures: Julius Peppers, Jake Delhomme, Muhsin Muhammad, Maake Kemoeatu, Keydrick Vincent, Hollis Thomas, Brad Hoover

Five Fast Facts About The Panthers:
- With an average age of 25 years and seven days, the Panthers have the third youngest roster in the league, trailing only the 49ers and Packers. Of course, spending five minutes around Clausen will force his teammates to age at triple the regular rate.
- Captain Munnerlyn’s name is bizarrely the only thing that Jon Gruden says that I enjoy. There’s an extra oomph to the enunciation, as if he were pleased that someone has already provided a nickname for him.
- Brandon LaFell sounds the name of the pirate who first invented the plank.
- Wait! Matt Moore was actually mostly competent last year? So Clausen will have to go through a full year of Brady Quinn-like riding the pine until he finally get the opportunity to flame out in Year 2? Ooh, that’s gonna be nice.
- Jon Beason is so good, a Panthers fan actually knows who he is.

Over/Under For 2010: 7.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Yeah, fine, they have a fine tandem of running backs and a pretty good O-line. And Matt Moore did help the team to late season victories over the Vikings and Saints. Of course, those are just the kind of deceptive, nothing-to-lose type victories that mediocre teams use to build unrealistic expectations for themselves the following year. Also, Peter King has the Panthers as his sleeper team, which is as strong an indicator to me that they’re doomed to failure as anything.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

Alex Rodriguez isn’t going to be happy that Drew Brees disfigured Peyton’s centaur ass even before he could get there.

Key Additions: Millions of gallons of oil from BP, free of charge, and yet all they do is bitch about it.

Key Departures: Scott Fujita, Mike Bell, The Gulf of Mexico

Five Fast Facts About The Saints:

- From acclaimed television writer David Simon comes “Treme,” a dramatic retelling of the run-up and immediate response to Hurricane Katrina, as seen by a motley collection of city residents, most of whom are involved in the local music scene.

- From acclaimed novelist Dave Eggers comes “Zeitoun,” the story of a Syrian-born painting collector who decides to remain in New Orleans after the hurricane to protect his property. Using a small canoe, he rescues people stranded by Katrina until he is arrested by government responders and flung headlong into a “vortex of bureaucratic brutality.”

- From acclaimed film director Spike Lee comes “If God Is Willing and da Creek Don’t Rise,” the second documentary from the filmmaker about post-Katrina New Orleans. While the first focused on the immediate aftermath, the newer documentary will examine the recovery process five years after the storm struck, beginning with the Saints Super Bowl victory.

- From acclaimed graphic novelist Josh Neufeld comes “A.D.: New Orleans After the Deluge,” which recounts the survival stories of five individuals who Neufeld encountered while researching the hurricane and its aftermath.

- What? Nothing on the BP spill yet? Damn your slow turnaround time, creative types!

Over/Under For 2010: 10.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Somehow, improbably, even after winning a championship, the Saints remain a mostly likable team. This is true even as the team’s title as citywide redemption story still gets repeated ad nauseum, as if it’s improved the quality of life of a single person living there. Nevertheless, the Saints put a stop to Peyton Manning in the Super Bowl and are promising to once again mete out swift and extensive punishment to Brett Favre in the NFC Championship Game rematch in a few weeks, so far be from me to rain on the parade of happy feelings.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Stylez G. White can dig it.

Key Additions: Gerald McCoy, Keydrick Vincent, Sean Jones

Key Departures: Antonio Bryant, Will Allen, Chris Hovan

Five Fast Facts About The Buccaneers:
- Ah, so this is where former Eagles receiver Reggie Brown went to die.
- The buzz is that Kareem Huggins might beat out Derrick Ward for the backup running back job. How was he able to do that? If it was more than “ask nicely” it was too much.
- Aqid Talib’s Muslim name wants to build a Ground Zero mosque inside your stadium pirate ship. Stop him, crackers!
- Russ Grimm’s son, Cody, is trying to make the team as a safety. As we all know, sons of Hall of Fame linemen are 35 PERCENT MORE LIKELY TO BE CRAZY OBSCURE PLAYERS!
- Safety Corey Lynch used to wear the no. 47 in college and with the Bengals because of his admiration for former Bucs safety John Lynch. Someone just bought himself five extra years to suck in this town.

Over/Under For 2010: 5.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Last season, the Bucs had two players with 600 or more receiving yards. One of them left in free agency. The other one was Kellen Winslow. So unless Arrelious Benn happens to be the biggest steal in the draft, Josh Freeman is going to have a fun time finding a primary target in 2010. Speaking of Freeman, he just broke the thumb on his throwing hand. Oh yeah, their running game isn’t particularly strong either. So, uh, best of luck, Raheem Morris.

Some people sincerely want to push Carolina as an upset possibility over the unbeaten Saints because cornball Cajun bag of suck Jake Delhomme has never lost a start in the Superdome and John Fox is 7-0 there as a head coach. And hey! They’ve won three of their last four. Even if two of those wins were against the Redskins and the Bucs, while the loss came to the goddamn Bills. They’re primed for the role of spoiler!

All right, fine, Sedrick Ellis and adopted fake-Asian Scott Fujita are out, so conceivably Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams could run wild and propel Carolina to victory, but it would have to be so dominating a performance that it accounts for the inevitable backbreaking Delhomme pickerception.

San Diego at New York –

[Heart surgery flies open]

Philip Rivers: Hey, have you tried my cardboard box of Killer F*cking Cock?

WELL YOU CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART WIFE AND 14 LASERFACE JUNIORS AND WE’RE ALL ABSTINENT!

[Murmuring instructions heard off camera]

Chicken?

But I go to Chick Fil-A for my chicken. THEY’RE FROM THE SOUTH, LIKE ME! And they’re never open on Sundays, because they love Jeebus. LIKE ME!

Screw your Christ-hating, Hell-roasted demon birds. Let that gimpy asswipe Brian Westbrook burn for eternity for endorsing it. KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED HAS MORAL RECTITUDE AND WILL SHOW IT BY DICKWHIPPING THIS BIG APPLE FULL OF FORNICATING WORMS!

[Still collects check for ad]

Detroit at Seattle — For the first time in more than a month, the Lions “Big 3” (that’s cute, Detroit) of Megatron, Kevin Smith and Matt Stafford will be starting together, meaning the Lions will be at least slightly more entertaining in defeat.

Tennessee at San Francisco — This week, Rodney Harrison called the Titans the dirtiest team in the league. For this grievous insult, a shirtless Vince Young will pin him down while Jeff Fisher, dressed in a Peyton Manning jersey, fistpumps Harrison in the throat and LenDale White stomps on his Always Sunny in Philadelphia-patented dick towel.

Fantasy owners in possession of Felix Jones or either starting defense have to be licking their chomps and lubricating their fists at the prospect of the forthcoming points SPLOSION. And that must be the way because I will not stand for this game being anything but an overblown comedy of errors, where turnovers abound, Marty B is mic’d up and irate people in the overbooked Party Pass sections in the new Cowboys stadium turn to mob violence to exact revenge on the muckety-mucks who heap disdain upon them from their fancy “seats” with “views of the field”. But these raging Dallas untouchables don’t count on the cage dancers being heavily armed and trained by Mossad. Just when it can’t get more bizarre, out come the C.H.U.D.s.

Bob Jr.: Another year of the Heels cutting down the nets. Without a doubt, ain’t nothin’ finer than bein’ a Caroliner. Kings of the only sport that matters. Psycho T showed everybody that with grit, determination and fawning media coverage, you too can achieve greatness through Ty Lawson.

Eustice:Couldn’t've been said better.

Bob Jr.: Still, I got the irk from way Panther Pride got snuffed by them ‘Zona boys. An irk just won’t subside. I figured another Heels title would do it. But, no. The irk is acting up.

Eustice: I know what you mean. Cajin boy screwed us but good.

Bob Jr.: We was just on the verge of developing some real Panther Pride around these parts. I don’t have to tell you it’s not always so strong as it should be.

Eustice: I’s afraid to admit it to myself.

Bob Jr.: I think I got me a solution though. All’s Panther Pride needs is a gimmick. Y’know how Packers fans got cheeseheads and Steelers fans got towels and Titans fans got meth? We tried to Growl Towels, but they was gay. I think I gots an idea for something we can attach ourselves to.

Eustice: Uh-huh?

Bob Jr.: A battle flag for Panther Pride.

Eustice: PAIN-THER PRIDE!

[Bob Jr. unfurls flag]

Eustice: Oh, that is mighty decent. Mighty. Decent.

Bob Jr.: This here flag, it gonna gin us up some Painther Pride.

Eustice: Yes indeed.

Bob Jr.: For the time being, though, we best keep it a secret. I think it’d be most effective if’n we dropped it on people real sudden-like.

Eustice: Well then we gots us a problem.

Bob Jr.: What kind of problem?

Eustice: A I-told-Annabelle problem.

Bob Jr.: Y’did what?!

Eustice: I tole Annabelle.

Bob Jr.: But how’d you know about it?

Eustice: Snuck a peek.

Bob Jr.: Now, dang it, you know she gonna flap her gums ’bout this.

Eustice: Oh, I know it.

Bob Jr.: Won’t stop flapping them gums ’til everybody under the sun knows.

Eustice: Maybe she’ll keep quiet.

Bob Jr.: We had an omerta!

Eustice: What’s omerta?

Bob Jr.: Idjit! Omerta is Italian for “ain’t supposeda say shit.”

Eustice: Aw dag! Can we reomerta?

Bob Jr.: No! Omerta is one-time thing!

Eustice: Well, I’s sorry.

Bob Jr.: Ya best be!

Eustice: Can we still use the flag?

Bob Jr.: YA DANGED RIGHT WE’S USING THE FLAG. WHAT WITH ALL THE FABRIC I BOUGHT FROM MICHAEL’S!

Eustice: Can I write the Pledge to Painther Pride?

Bob Jr.: I’m sorry. You got a tin ear. Won’t come out right.

Eustice: All right… [sighs] Painther Pride.

Bob Jr.: PANTHER PRIDE!

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

Bob Junior: There go the Painthers, flying under the radar. Which is funny, ’cause everybody knows Carolina was FIRST IN FLIGHT! Even if the Wright Brothers were from Ohio, THEY DONE CAME DOWN TO OUR EMPTY WINDSWEPT BEACHES LIKE A BANKER LOOKING FOR A LOW COST OF LIVING!

Soon we’ll be first in football too. I cain put a Super Bowl chaimpions license plate frame around my FIRST IN FLIGHT PLATE!

Eustice: Yessir. FIRST IN FLIGHT! CRADLE OF ‘CUE! PAINTHER PRIDE!

Bob Junior: Panther pride!

Eustice: PAINTHER pride!

Bob Junior: They don’t know about no barbecue in Arizoner. Probably be tailgatin’ at the B of A with some tofu Tex-Mex bullshit.

Eustice: Keep that chili con cockmeat out of The Vault!

Bob Junior: I am worried about their quarterback though. He’s scaled the mountain. He seen the promised land.

Eustice: But Delhomme’s got experience.

Bob Junior: Oh yes. He’s bona fide.

Eustice: Definitely bona fide.

Bob Junior: What’s even more bona fide is our running game. No fly-by-night Edgerrin James fluke game out of the Caroilina ground attack. DeAngelo Williams got shortchanged on that MVP vote. JUST ‘CAUSE HE WAITED UNTIL WEEK 8 TO DO ANYTHING. WE GO AT OUR OWN PACE IN THE SOUTH! I don’t care what nobody say, he and Stewart IS THE REAL SMASH ‘N’ DASH LIKE WE WAS THE FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Eustice: WE ARE FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Bob Junior: We was robbed out of our deserved championship in 2003 by them Yankee cheaters. Not this time. All the pieces are in place for a title run. It’ll be a fine prelude to a Tar Heel national championship.

Eustice: …

Begging your pardon, friend.

Bob Junior: What?

Eustice: What’s this Tar Heel shit? We all know them Blue Devils’ll be cuttin’ down those nets this year.

Bob Junior: What you like them uppity Duke faggots for? You didn’t go there!

Eustice: YOU DIDN’T GO TO CHAPEL HILL!

Bob Junior: I WENT TO UNC-PEMBROKE! THAT’S CLOSE ENOUGH! IT’S PART OF THE STATE SYSTEM!

Eustice: Don’t got no room for Tar Heel bitches in the Panther Pride Parade!

Bob Junior: WELL THEN FUCK PANTHER PRIDE! PSYCHO T ALL DAY! FOOK DOOK!

Eustice: THEN I’LL SEE YOUR ASS FEBRUARY 11. THAT’S THE REAL SUPER BOWL!

Bodean: Let’s not forget Davidson now! Go Stephen! Wooooooooooo Wildcats!

Bob Junior and Eustice: FUCK YOU!

Today we already were assured that we get our Marmalard-Cutlerfucker showdown next week for the AFC West crown (also known as the team that gets to lose in the first round to the Colts). Now we get the second of our one-seed Ro Sham Beaux, with the Painthers traveling to the swamps of Jersey to face the now-shaky Giants. With Brandon Jacobs returning, Elisha’s search for his Plax may not be as frenzied. Though if Identity and Theft can gash the New York defense like Tashard Choice could, it’s not going to matter much.

However, if the Simpsons has taught me anything (and it hasn’t), the best moment to come is when the Steve Smiths have a reanimated altercation over who gets whose grave. I can’t wait.

“Excuse me, I’m Steve Smith.”

“Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers?”

“My mistake.”

Giggity.

Two of the elder franchises, each with a massive and surpassingly obnoxious fanbase, take on some Southern teams with followers made complacent by early success and NASCAR. Homefield advantage is on the line in each conference, even if all four of these teams are assured a first-round bye anyway and we all know at least one of them will be upset in the divisional round. Still, let’s pretend we’ll got a lot of NFL Playoffs chalk, so WHO YA GOT?

Not a whole lot of the Matron Saint tonight, but there were a number of delightful announcer gaffes to go along with 3,000 rushing yards by the Panthers. And while the run game was dominant, the Carolina fan souvenir cup passing game was on-target when aimed at Steve Young.

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KSK’s quick gun with live blog picture captioning and resident Jeff Garcia fluffer, Grimey, sent on his riff on my lovingly homertastic self-portrait.

Where’s your team logo Fathead, you rank amateur? Did you have to leave it behind when you entered the Witness Relocation Program?

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