Some people sincerely want to push Carolina as an upset possibility over the unbeaten Saints because cornball Cajun bag of suck Jake Delhomme has never lost a start in the Superdome and John Fox is 7-0 there as a head coach. And hey! They’ve won three of their last four. Even if two of those wins were against the Redskins and the Bucs, while the loss came to the goddamn Bills. They’re primed for the role of spoiler!

All right, fine, Sedrick Ellis and adopted fake-Asian Scott Fujita are out, so conceivably Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams could run wild and propel Carolina to victory, but it would have to be so dominating a performance that it accounts for the inevitable backbreaking Delhomme pickerception.

San Diego at New York –

[Heart surgery flies open]

Philip Rivers: Hey, have you tried my cardboard box of Killer F*cking Cock?

WELL YOU CAN’T BECAUSE I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART WIFE AND 14 LASERFACE JUNIORS AND WE’RE ALL ABSTINENT!

[Murmuring instructions heard off camera]

Chicken?

But I go to Chick Fil-A for my chicken. THEY’RE FROM THE SOUTH, LIKE ME! And they’re never open on Sundays, because they love Jeebus. LIKE ME!

Screw your Christ-hating, Hell-roasted demon birds. Let that gimpy asswipe Brian Westbrook burn for eternity for endorsing it. KING PHILIP THE LASERFACED HAS MORAL RECTITUDE AND WILL SHOW IT BY DICKWHIPPING THIS BIG APPLE FULL OF FORNICATING WORMS!

[Still collects check for ad]

Detroit at Seattle — For the first time in more than a month, the Lions “Big 3” (that’s cute, Detroit) of Megatron, Kevin Smith and Matt Stafford will be starting together, meaning the Lions will be at least slightly more entertaining in defeat.

Tennessee at San Francisco — This week, Rodney Harrison called the Titans the dirtiest team in the league. For this grievous insult, a shirtless Vince Young will pin him down while Jeff Fisher, dressed in a Peyton Manning jersey, fistpumps Harrison in the throat and LenDale White stomps on his Always Sunny in Philadelphia-patented dick towel.

Fantasy owners in possession of Felix Jones or either starting defense have to be licking their chomps and lubricating their fists at the prospect of the forthcoming points SPLOSION. And that must be the way because I will not stand for this game being anything but an overblown comedy of errors, where turnovers abound, Marty B is mic’d up and irate people in the overbooked Party Pass sections in the new Cowboys stadium turn to mob violence to exact revenge on the muckety-mucks who heap disdain upon them from their fancy “seats” with “views of the field”. But these raging Dallas untouchables don’t count on the cage dancers being heavily armed and trained by Mossad. Just when it can’t get more bizarre, out come the C.H.U.D.s.

Bob Jr.: Another year of the Heels cutting down the nets. Without a doubt, ain’t nothin’ finer than bein’ a Caroliner. Kings of the only sport that matters. Psycho T showed everybody that with grit, determination and fawning media coverage, you too can achieve greatness through Ty Lawson.

Eustice:Couldn’t've been said better.

Bob Jr.: Still, I got the irk from way Panther Pride got snuffed by them ‘Zona boys. An irk just won’t subside. I figured another Heels title would do it. But, no. The irk is acting up.

Eustice: I know what you mean. Cajin boy screwed us but good.

Bob Jr.: We was just on the verge of developing some real Panther Pride around these parts. I don’t have to tell you it’s not always so strong as it should be.

Eustice: I’s afraid to admit it to myself.

Bob Jr.: I think I got me a solution though. All’s Panther Pride needs is a gimmick. Y’know how Packers fans got cheeseheads and Steelers fans got towels and Titans fans got meth? We tried to Growl Towels, but they was gay. I think I gots an idea for something we can attach ourselves to.

Eustice: Uh-huh?

Bob Jr.: A battle flag for Panther Pride.

Eustice: PAIN-THER PRIDE!

[Bob Jr. unfurls flag]

Eustice: Oh, that is mighty decent. Mighty. Decent.

Bob Jr.: This here flag, it gonna gin us up some Painther Pride.

Eustice: Yes indeed.

Bob Jr.: For the time being, though, we best keep it a secret. I think it’d be most effective if’n we dropped it on people real sudden-like.

Eustice: Well then we gots us a problem.

Bob Jr.: What kind of problem?

Eustice: A I-told-Annabelle problem.

Bob Jr.: Y’did what?!

Eustice: I tole Annabelle.

Bob Jr.: But how’d you know about it?

Eustice: Snuck a peek.

Bob Jr.: Now, dang it, you know she gonna flap her gums ’bout this.

Eustice: Oh, I know it.

Bob Jr.: Won’t stop flapping them gums ’til everybody under the sun knows.

Eustice: Maybe she’ll keep quiet.

Bob Jr.: We had an omerta!

Eustice: What’s omerta?

Bob Jr.: Idjit! Omerta is Italian for “ain’t supposeda say shit.”

Eustice: Aw dag! Can we reomerta?

Bob Jr.: No! Omerta is one-time thing!

Eustice: Well, I’s sorry.

Bob Jr.: Ya best be!

Eustice: Can we still use the flag?

Bob Jr.: YA DANGED RIGHT WE’S USING THE FLAG. WHAT WITH ALL THE FABRIC I BOUGHT FROM MICHAEL’S!

Eustice: Can I write the Pledge to Painther Pride?

Bob Jr.: I’m sorry. You got a tin ear. Won’t come out right.

Eustice: All right… [sighs] Painther Pride.

Bob Jr.: PANTHER PRIDE!

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

Bob Junior: There go the Painthers, flying under the radar. Which is funny, ’cause everybody knows Carolina was FIRST IN FLIGHT! Even if the Wright Brothers were from Ohio, THEY DONE CAME DOWN TO OUR EMPTY WINDSWEPT BEACHES LIKE A BANKER LOOKING FOR A LOW COST OF LIVING!

Soon we’ll be first in football too. I cain put a Super Bowl chaimpions license plate frame around my FIRST IN FLIGHT PLATE!

Eustice: Yessir. FIRST IN FLIGHT! CRADLE OF ‘CUE! PAINTHER PRIDE!

Bob Junior: Panther pride!

Eustice: PAINTHER pride!

Bob Junior: They don’t know about no barbecue in Arizoner. Probably be tailgatin’ at the B of A with some tofu Tex-Mex bullshit.

Eustice: Keep that chili con cockmeat out of The Vault!

Bob Junior: I am worried about their quarterback though. He’s scaled the mountain. He seen the promised land.

Eustice: But Delhomme’s got experience.

Bob Junior: Oh yes. He’s bona fide.

Eustice: Definitely bona fide.

Bob Junior: What’s even more bona fide is our running game. No fly-by-night Edgerrin James fluke game out of the Caroilina ground attack. DeAngelo Williams got shortchanged on that MVP vote. JUST ‘CAUSE HE WAITED UNTIL WEEK 8 TO DO ANYTHING. WE GO AT OUR OWN PACE IN THE SOUTH! I don’t care what nobody say, he and Stewart IS THE REAL SMASH ‘N’ DASH LIKE WE WAS THE FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Eustice: WE ARE FIRST IN FLIGHT!

Bob Junior: We was robbed out of our deserved championship in 2003 by them Yankee cheaters. Not this time. All the pieces are in place for a title run. It’ll be a fine prelude to a Tar Heel national championship.

Eustice: …

Begging your pardon, friend.

Bob Junior: What?

Eustice: What’s this Tar Heel shit? We all know them Blue Devils’ll be cuttin’ down those nets this year.

Bob Junior: What you like them uppity Duke faggots for? You didn’t go there!

Eustice: YOU DIDN’T GO TO CHAPEL HILL!

Bob Junior: I WENT TO UNC-PEMBROKE! THAT’S CLOSE ENOUGH! IT’S PART OF THE STATE SYSTEM!

Eustice: Don’t got no room for Tar Heel bitches in the Panther Pride Parade!

Bob Junior: WELL THEN FUCK PANTHER PRIDE! PSYCHO T ALL DAY! FOOK DOOK!

Eustice: THEN I’LL SEE YOUR ASS FEBRUARY 11. THAT’S THE REAL SUPER BOWL!

Bodean: Let’s not forget Davidson now! Go Stephen! Wooooooooooo Wildcats!

Bob Junior and Eustice: FUCK YOU!

Today we already were assured that we get our Marmalard-Cutlerfucker showdown next week for the AFC West crown (also known as the team that gets to lose in the first round to the Colts). Now we get the second of our one-seed Ro Sham Beaux, with the Painthers traveling to the swamps of Jersey to face the now-shaky Giants. With Brandon Jacobs returning, Elisha’s search for his Plax may not be as frenzied. Though if Identity and Theft can gash the New York defense like Tashard Choice could, it’s not going to matter much.

However, if the Simpsons has taught me anything (and it hasn’t), the best moment to come is when the Steve Smiths have a reanimated altercation over who gets whose grave. I can’t wait.

“Excuse me, I’m Steve Smith.”

“Steve Smith, Carolina Panthers?”

“My mistake.”

Giggity.

Two of the elder franchises, each with a massive and surpassingly obnoxious fanbase, take on some Southern teams with followers made complacent by early success and NASCAR. Homefield advantage is on the line in each conference, even if all four of these teams are assured a first-round bye anyway and we all know at least one of them will be upset in the divisional round. Still, let’s pretend we’ll got a lot of NFL Playoffs chalk, so WHO YA GOT?

Not a whole lot of the Matron Saint tonight, but there were a number of delightful announcer gaffes to go along with 3,000 rushing yards by the Panthers. And while the run game was dominant, the Carolina fan souvenir cup passing game was on-target when aimed at Steve Young.

Don’t forget the KSK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House. Click here to donate.
(more…)

KSK’s quick gun with live blog picture captioning and resident Jeff Garcia fluffer, Grimey, sent on his riff on my lovingly homertastic self-portrait.

Where’s your team logo Fathead, you rank amateur? Did you have to leave it behind when you entered the Witness Relocation Program?

Don’t forget the KSK Kares Kharity Drive for Fisher House. Click here to donate.

Last I checked, our division got as many wins as those northeast liberal elitist commie perverts in the NFC East, but you don’t hear nothing about some homespun footbaw from real America in the NFC South. Cain’t turn on my yakbox without hearing a great hollerin’ about some all-Jew York Super Bowl. Bet that’d be a challah of a game, huh? Heh, I got that from the long e-mail chain letter sent to my AOL account.

Hell, those homos in Tampa Bay got a chance to be the first team to play a Super Bowl in their own stadium. Don’t hear nothin’ ’bout that. But watch the Jets win a game and those Yankee queers cheer like they done killed Jesus again. Not a lick of fairness in the whole thing.

[Sets up three Nativity scenes on front lawn]

Gonna be fun when it’s a good-ol’ southern Super Bowl with Panther Pride and some Tennessee faggots. Then it gonna be us again’ our old quarteeback. I do miss some Kerry Collins. Like the cut a’ his jib. Always have. Caught some flak here for making some un-PC remarks about some of his shiftless teammates. ‘Course they railroaded him then shipped him off to a PC re-education camp in the Big Pinko-Not-Protecting-the-Sanctity-of-Life-Apple. BUT MY KERRY TOO STRONG! HE GOTS PRIDE!

[Pats Jesse Helms campaign button on his jacket]

A shame we gonna have to deny him a ring again. S’ok, Kerry, we got a spot for you in the Congress if you wanna come run against this no-account pinko Heath Shuler.

I cain’t wait. We gonna name Psycho T Super Bowl MVP and party until a relatively decent hour and not get too uppity about it ’cause we genteel southern gentlemen.

WOO HOO! PASS THE AMMUNITION AND SWEET TEA! ‘Cause there never was anything finer than a North Caroliner!

As per the usual this time of year, there is something amiss about the unforeseen occupants atop the standings. Certainly some of that is natural turnover from year to year, while others are simply enjoying a fleeting stay before their return to mediocrity. But which is which? We welcome a representative from each of the surprising 2-0 teams to make the case as to why they are here to stay. (more…)