I’d like to thank you media people for comin’ out to this here press conference today.

Ahem.

I called y’all out here to let it be known that I, Adam Jones, will no longer be using the nickname Pacman. I made some mistakes over the last couple years, and I wanna break free from the reputation I created. I don’t wanna spend the rest of my career chasing ghosts.

So no more Pacman, a’ight? And no Pacman spin-offs, neither. I don’t wanna be called Ms. Pacman, even if my gameplay this year ends up being slightly improved and more nuanced. And no Pacman Plus, Baby Pacman, or Professor Pacman, neither. In fact, I don’t want ANY nickname that comes from an early-’80s arcade game. Not even Space Invade-Her.

I’m also gettin’ rid of my other nicknames and abandoning some business plans that some publicist bitch I hired didn’t like. So all y’all who IM me, I ain’t gonna use “KuntPuncher32″ as my AOL screen name no more. And to all my boys at the Indian casinos, I’m retiring my Native American name, Spits on Bitches. Oh, that reminds me: I’m halting production on Bitches on Spits, the exotic dancer rotisserie I developed during the off-season.

So that’s that. Just plain ol’ Adam Jones from here on out. Like the guitarist from Tool. Or that outfielder for the Orioles. Yeah, especially the Orioles guy. He ain’t never been in trouble with the law, right? From here on out, you guys may as well just think him and me is the same dude.

Naw, seriously. I already stole that bitch’s social security number and applied for credit cards.

ESPN is reporting that the Pac Man Jones to Cowboys trade is finally a done deal. The Titans get a fourth round pick and a conditional pick next year. Sounds like the Cowboys got Pac for a song. Not a good song either. I’m talking some of that Sufjan Stevens shit.

Details are scarce in the alleged scrap between sidelined Titans teammates Albert Haynesworth and Pac Man Jones. We all know Haynesworth will stomp your dome in a fit of roid-fueled pique. But Jones’ tormentors often find themselves dodging bullets.

Police accident reconstructionists say the melee probably looked exactly like this:

Faithful KSK reader “naptowndrew” sent us this photo of Pacman Jones holding a pit bull puppy, conclusive evidence that Jones is closely tied to the seedy underworld of dog fighting.

So, like, what do I do now? Do I keep up with the fake-news format of claiming Pac is into dog fighting? Should I make up a conversation between Michael Vick and him at Bad Newz Kennels? Do I proclaim “caption contest!” and try to make a bigger deal out of it than it really is? (C’mon, do I look like The Big Lead?)

Frankly, none of it seems all that inspiring. It’s a fucking picture, that’s all. A picture of a troubled NFL star and a puppy. Hell, it very nearly humanizes a man whose off-field exploits have been marked mostly by violence and misogyny. Holding a puppy and making what white people think is a peace sign is a huge step forward for the guy.

(Semi-off-topic: for anyone who’s interested in reading more about dog fighting, add Craig Davidson’s Rust and Bone to your reading list. It’s a collection of stories about fighting so visceral and hard-hitting that I generally needed a break between them to recover mentally. The prose is gritty, spare, and staccato. And while only the second story in the book, “A Mean Utility,” is about dog fighting, it’s the most grim and realistic depiction of dog fighting I’ve seen.)

In just one short year we’ve become quite popular within the world of sports. On this, the anniversary of our birth, we are honored to share with you the love we’ve received from our most famous friends.

Thanks Adam!

Stay tuned, we’ve got more to come throughout the evening

You may have heard recently of the struggles of Titans defensive back Adam “Pacman” Jones. In particular, you may have heard of Pacman’s penchant for “making it rain” at strip clubs, by showering strippers with a surplus of one-dollar bills. A reader recently asked me why we didn’t cover this story more. Well, we here at KSK aren’t in the business of reporting “news”. That’s for 10,000 other blogs to fall over themselves rushing to post about. No, we like to go more in-depth here with our dick jokes at KSK. Think of us as a sort of “Real Sports”, only without the butch Carillos, the fey Gumbels, and the dickface Goldbergs.

And, to prove the depth of our reporting, I spent the previous week interviewing Pacman Jones’ friends, family and teammates. From them, I have discovered that Pacman has an elaborate lexicon of phrases that constitute a loose moral code the man lives by. It’s a fascinating look into the world of a very complex person: horny, yet rude; dumb, yet reckless; stoned, yet drunk. Let’s delve in:

Pacman Sno-Cone: This is when Pacman packs a stripper’s bare asscrack with crushed ice and then pees in it.

Singapore Sting: Pacman does not abide by Asian strippers. Should one ever cross his path, he will lure her closer with promises of cash tips, only to then give her a single, hard flick to the clitoris.

Sand Dollar: When a stripper performs in a way that Pacman finds unsatisfactory, he will smear a dollar with a unique mixture of obscure 80′s toy Magic Sand and his own excrement and jam it in the stripper’s armpit.

Ectoplasm: A homemade concoction consisting primarily of antifreeze, maple syrup, and any leftover malt liquor from the previous evening. Pacman sneaks very large jugs of Ectoplasm into clubs and will fill an empty glass with it whenever a stripper asks him to buy him a drink. Occasionally, he will add just a jigger of GHB.

Pacman Water Torture: Should a stripper find herself alone with Jones, he will pin her down and perform the old grade school trick of letting a long line of drool dangle over the stripper’s face until he sucks it back up at the last minute. Though, often, Jones will simply let the drool fall and then punch the stripper in the throat.

The Cifaretto: Named after Joe Pantoliano’s character on “The Sopranos”, this maneuver involves Pacman bashing a stripper’s head against a traffic barrier until she is dead.

The “Derek”: Named after Robert Downey Jr’s character in “Back to School”, Pacman often brings a pocket mirror with him to strip clubs. When a stripper is about to perform a difficult maneuver, he will reflect the light into the stripper’s eyes just so. Hilarity ensues.

The Seafood Gumbo: Like many West Virginians, Pacman is an avid collector of his own vomit. Using a funnel, he will pipe the vomit into water balloons and lob them at any stripper over 120 lbs.

The Spanish Prisoner: If a Latino stripper approaches Pacman, he will grab her breasts and squeeze them as hard as he possibly can. The goal is to get them to burst or to reach 20 seconds, whichever comes first. Pacman keeps his fingernails extra long specifically for this trick.

The Pacman Chomp: This is self-explanatory.

The Pelican Brief: When a stripper fellates Pacman in a private enclave, he will often stick his penis under the stripper’s tongue, and then press down as hard as he can, causing the stripper’s lower jaw to take on a pelican shape.

The Foul Pole: Pacman will sneak into clubs before opening and spray a single pole with a special silicone lubricant. Bets are then placed on which stripper will be the first to discover it.

The Tsunami: Any time Pacman drowns three or more Asian strippers in his bathtub. (Ufford came up with this one)

The Electric Earthquake Pacman tasers a stripper, usually until heart failure. (Ufford)

True Shocker: A new take on a modern classic. Pacman simply replaces his pinky with a cattleprod. (UM, perhaps inspired by the Wes Craven film?)

Your own suggestions welcome in the comments.