It’s a pretty lackluster slate of early games. Ordinarily, Pats-Colts is a delightful late-season hatefest; this year, the Pats are three-touchdown favorites, the first 20+ point favorites in an NFL game since 2007. Denver-Minnesota might have been interesting if Von Miller and Adrian Peterson were playing (they’re not). And depending on Tyler Palko’s performance against the Bears defense, keep your eyes open for a Kyle Orton sighting in Chicago.

That leaves Bengals at Steelers as the big draw today. The Steelers need the divisional win to stay in contention for the AFC North; the Bengals can leapfrog Pittsburgh in the Wild Card standings with a win. Yellow towels shall be waved, bad blood mixed, concussions delivered, fines levied. The outcome’s unclear, but one thing is certain: WE GON DRANK.

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh ★★★★
Atlanta @ Houston ★★★
Oakland @ Miami ★★
NY Jets @ Washington ★★
Indianapolis @ New England ★★
Denver @ Minnesota ★★
Tennessee @ Buffalo ★
Carolina @ Tampa Bay ★
Kansas City @ Chicago (Tyler Palko versus Caleb Hanie. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT.) ★

Week 13 coverage maps here.

The Bengals fell apart in the second half in Baltimore, but not before Pacman got his moment to shine (AN U KNO HE GON SHINE), pulling Torrey Smith down from behind by his hair. Any replacement level club trick should be able to tell you that not tying up the weave is the fastest way to find yourself passed out in the supply closet. Rookie mistake, Torrey. CHUH CHUH.

In other moments of glory for teams trailing late, here’s LeGarrette Blount’s fantastic touchdown run in Green Bay.

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Hines Ward: Velee bad idea to ret Rongrastname firr my vehicerr with arcohor and loofies. Unchalactelistic rapse in judgment foll NFR’s smaltest leceivel. It be okay. I am dlive extla safe.

[Drives like Asian]

[Sideswipes car with Ravens bumper sticker for no reason]

Awwwww nerrrrrrrr! I am being in deep revel of tlouberr this time. Okay, okay. Bleaths. Supell big bleaths. No am good to panic. Pray it coor. It wirr arr be arr light. This Geolgia. They rove me foll correge time. And Rongrastname plove you can get away with anything if you pose for photo with porice officells. I get leady big photo smirre face!

[Pulls over]

Officer: Sir, have you been consuming alcoholic beverages this evening?

Hines: Nerr. Nerr dlink.

Officer: There appears to be a great deal of booze pouring out of your driver’s side window.

Hines: Oh, yes, that. That big plank that prayers pray on me. HA HA HA HA! Big fun! You am raffing. I see smirre. It obvious that I am no dlive and dlunk. You want photo now?

Officer: Sir, I observed you driving erratically and now that I have pulled you over, I see that you have a large quantity of exposed alcohol in your car. Please step out of the vehicle so that I may administer a sobriety test.

Hines: Fine. I wirr do. I wirr do. But you wirr see that I am have most sobliety of any leceivel. I no Blayron! I no Donte Starrwolth!

Officer: Please walk along this white line.

[Hines walks line perfectly]

Hines: Ha! So easy! You am see? Sobliety 100 pelcent! Can win dance competition if I want. Light now! I show foll you!

Officer: That won’t be necessary. Right now I want you to recite the alphabet backwards.

Hines: Fine! I do! So easy!

Z…

Y…

X…

Dobber U…

V…

Nolmar U…

T…

S…

L…

Officer: Stop. The letter “L” does not precede the letter “S”.

Hines: Nerr. Wait. You am not undelstand!

Officer: Please place your hands on your vehicle. I am placing you under arrest and charging you with operating a vehicle under the influence.

Hines: Wait! You not even want photo?

Hines: This am no photo I have in mind.

[Drunk tank door flies open]

Pacman: CHUH CHUH. Where dem drunk bitchez be at? Pacman down widdit. Pacman find hisself a drunk-as-fu*k prison bitch and put her in da slamma. Lock da pussy down with five years hard labor. Got dis neck brace on. U think that stopping pussy from gettin ate? OH NAH. Pussy getting ate. U put a iron mask on him, Pacman still gone eat dat pussy. THEN HE GON DRANK. PACMAN BEEN HAD THE DRANK. BUT HE GON DRANK DRANK SOME MO. Ain’t a real drunk tank til Pacman do shots in it.

Adam Jones: Most esteemed Coach Schwartz,

The opportunity to play football means more to me than anything else in life. Not always did I realize this. To those blessed with a high degree of talent, success can come so easily that it is taken for granted that the opportunity will even be there for these people to thrive. They lack the perspective that comes with struggle. I was obviously one of these people.

I know my transgressions are as numerous as they are notorious. To even consider allowing me another chance to play in the NFL is not a decision to be made lightly. But I am still able to contribute to a football team at a high level, without the concern that I will derail the team and own career with off-the-field misbehavior. As the good book says, when you a man grows up he must put away childish things. Growing up took me longer than it should have, but I have at last reached the point in my life when I have put the nonsense behind me.

I’m partied out. I’m ready to be the rock for your team and have football be the foundation of my life. Believe me, I’ll take the most incentive-laden deal you can give me. You hear the slightest bit of controversy out of me, I’ll leave and never come back. Together, I know I can help the Lions take that next step toward the postseason. And who knows, maybe even more.

Jim Schwartz: Uh-huh.

You wanna take a look at this for me?

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Pacman: Yo yo. Pacman be croozin up dat azz wen Mista Agent Man say U GON 2 KANNIDA. Pacman say were Kannida at? He say UP NORF. U GON UP NORF.

Pacman down wid it.

Pacman gon norf, an he gon shine. He gon find dem snow bunneez and feed dem hiz dik carrit. Ho gon fuk up dem Ruffryders. BULLEE DAT.

/goes to Canada

Yo yo. Pacman say itz cold lik a muthaphuckka up n dis bitch.

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Yo yo. Pacman be chasin’ dat blinky puzzy wen Mista Yeehawman cum 2 him an say shit b off. SHIT B OFF.

Pacman ain down wid it.

Pacman say 4wha? Why u gon cutt Pac loos? He say cuzz Bob Ley say Pacman orda tha giznatch on dem suckazz muthaphuckkas down da puzzy club. Bob Ley a bitch.

BUT DEY DUNNO DA TROOF! Pacman say ain hizz heata! Dat nina cum frum hiz shawty. Shawty need ta stay strapped 2! Pacman Jr. b mindin’ Daddy’s Exalade! BULEEZ DAT! Pacman ain gon hirt nobody. Pacman jus wan SHINE! Pacman jus wan tak dat azz an mak it leek. Pacman down wid it. Pacman gon mak dat puzzy bleed.

Pacman ain use no jock. He stay in da club. PACMAN SAY DERE B LUV N DIS CLUB! He ain EVAH gon leave. He luv da drippn puzzy 2 much! Culd punch dat bloomn onion booty ALL FUKKIN DAY! He gon bust dat puzzy wid open. Pacman ain gilty of SHYT! ‘Cept 4 luvvin’ dat azz.

SO WHY U GON LEEV PACMAN DOWN LIK DAT?

Pacman gon sue. Oh, U don’t thank Pacman sue? Pacman gotz a loiyer, BITCH. Mista Goldbergowitz or sum shyt. AND HE GON BROOS DAT AZZ.

CHUH CHUH.

Pacman gon win. Pacman tak dat shyt to Judge Keene on Divorce Court. NOBODY GON PLAY WID JUDGE KEENE!

Den Pacman gon shine. TROOF. Pacman gon shine. Pacman gon slapp dat puzzy till da milk cum out. Then Pacman gon drank. O HE GON DRANK. Pacman say ain no drank drank till he put a hurtin’ on dat mouf wid dat dikk. Den Pacman turn inta Dikkman, nuh wha I meen? Pacman gon drank, den he gon bust dem cherreezz. Gon mak dat board lite up. Gon snak dat toilet. Gon cum n run. Gon fukk dem hair xtensions rite off!

UUUNNNNHHHHHH!

U don’t lik it? Pacman gon roll by yo hous an go Trainin Day on yo azz. HAPPY BIRFDAY BITCH.

Pacman down wid it.

Yo yo. Pacman be slidn in dem pussyjacks when dat Firebox from da leeg office say shit be back on. Pacman say 4real? Firebox say 4real. Da shit be back on. 4 true.

CHUH CHUH.

Pacman down wid it. Pacman gon shine. Pacman gon clamp down on dat Hines Viet Cong like he Sholonda’s azz. Sholonda got dat onion booty. Pacman down wid it. Pacman gon take dat azz and an paint it gold wid dat luvnozz. COS DA SHIT BE BACK ON.

And Pacman gon drank. OH HE GON DRANK. BULLEEF DAT SHIT. Pacman stay at dat “Brighter Future” clinic for da whole damn month. Dat like, 90 dayz. Pacman not down wid it. Doctor man say Pacman need 2 say he’z got a problem. Pacman tell u da reel muthaphuckkin’ prizzay up in dis shiznit: AIN’T NO DRANK 4 DA PACMAN IN DIS BITCH.

And wen Pacman put on da Yung Jeezy and tell dem nurses to sho him da ‘donk, bitches ain’t say shit. KINDA PHUCKKIN’ NURSE DEY BE? Nuh nuh. Lil’ Pac need dat tung medizine. Dem laydeez ain’t REAL NURSES. AIN’T GOT NO LUV FO DA PAC!

So Pacman gon drank. He gon drank dat lean till he kizz da dance flo. Pacman say ain’t no drank drank till he put dat schlongbone up in dat nurse’s creempie. He gon drank all nite an den make it sprinkl. He gon GO GOLD. He gon let da dogz loose. He gon go bucwild. Owner strechy man say Pacman can fuk in da sky. OH PACMAN GON FUK IN DA SKY. HE GON FLY DEM U.S. AZZWAYS. DAT FO SHO.

Pacman reddy. Pacman got hiz Hen and Coke. Pacman got hiz drankin’ cup. Pacman got hiz fukkin’ pantz. Pacman gon go ababababababa on dat azz. He gon gobble up dem cherreez. He gon take hiz dickantula an go huntin’.

Shit be back on.

Fuk u.

CHUH CHUH.

Well that didn’t take long. Jerry Jones’ enabling and Wade Phillips’ denials notwithstanding, Pacman Jones has been suspended indefinitely by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. According to Michael David Smith, the suspension will be for at least four games. Dallas’ ambitious social experiment lasted a whopping six games.

Apparently, Jones violated the terms of his reinstatement on the night when he is alleged to have gotten into a fight with his own babysitter. But it may have been his imbibing, rather than his belligerence, that got him crossways with the Commish.

“Looks like somebody forgot there’s a rule against alcoholic beverages in fraternities on probation.”

Pacman down skeezin’ on dem whitecakes when dat Firebox from da corner office tell him shit be back on.

OH YEAH, SHIT BE BACK ON.

We gon shine. We gon take dat shit and we gon make it FLOOD. We gon make a MONPOON. We gon take dem fisty girlz and stick it up in dat azz loco-style. AIN’T NOBODY GON LEAVE DA PARTY TILL ALL DAT AZZ BE DRAINED.

And we gon drank. HAY-ULLS YEAH, WE GON DRANK. We gon chomp dem power dots and chase dem ghosts till dat Blinky stop dat blinkin’. We gon ABABABABABABA till we come out da otha side of dat azz. Shit be smokin’ round the rim when we break that shit off. Den we gon light up like Level 5.

AIN’T NOBODY GON KEEP US FROM FISHIN’ ON DAT PUSSYDOCK CAUSE WE GOT DA RODZ. PACMAN DOWN WIT IT. HE GOT DA DONGBAIT TO MAKE DEM CHERRIES BOUNCE ALL NIGHT LONG.

HOUSE THAT SHIT.

Sadia Morrison (pictured, seriously), who was convicted for her role in the infamous Pacman Jones strip club shooting, was found dead in New York last Friday. Morrison was a stylist for several NFL players, and had previously worked for Vibe magazine. Apparently, she died after being thrown from a building.

Yikes. That’s some Hitchcockian shit right there.

[ photo: JAMD ]