If you were wondering why Dan Shanoff just pitched a tent outside of his local Macy’s, it’s because Tim Tebow recently signed an agreement to become the official face bulge of Jockey underwear. You already know Tebow pretty well. Now it’s time to meet The Bulge.

Hey guys, it’s me, Tim Tebow’s Bulge. You haven’t seen a lot of me in the past, what with those restrictive athletic supporters and my never-ending supply of strategically placed modesty towels. Well now it’s MY time to shine.

But before I go on full display we need to get a few things straight.

I’m not one of those greasy soccer guys with fancy Italian briefs. I’m a real American, and if you want to see my bulge it’s going to be packaged in the two-ply pouch of my Jockey’s. Nothing fashionable here, just good support for the Holy Trinity.

[jiggles ever so slightly]

Secondly, don’t expect to see any sinners in my ads. If I’m going to share the screen with a retired basketball player and a crappy actor it’s going to be AC Green and Stephen Baldwin, not some DECADENT HE-SLUTS.

Now if you want to be cool like me all you have to do is wrap up your bulge in some Jockey’s, and follow these simple rules.

1. Thou shall have no other bulges before Jesus’ bulge.
2. I come right after Jesus’ bulge.
3. If thou hath laughed at the previous commandment YOU’RE GOING TO HELL WHERE IT SMELLS LIKE VAGINAS ALL THE TIME.
4. Thou shall not worship false bulges.
5. Thou shall not covet another man’s bulge, to do so would be GAY.
6. Thou will never see any bulge in the entire country strain against the fabric as hard as I will strain against the fabric of my Jockey’s.
7. If your tailor asks you if you “dress to the left” HE’S A SINNER.
8. Thou shall not trust your child to a mohle lest he should develop a hook-nosed bulge.
9. When you think about it, a fetus is kind of like a tummy bulge. WOULD YOU ABORT YOUR BULGE?
10. Thou shall not caress thine own bulge with amorous intent. In other words, be a master Gator, not a masturbator.

God bless.

[twitches]

Punte, Ape, Ufford, and EDSBS’s Spencer Hall engage in what has to be the first ever live Nasty Fetish Draft. It’s the selection show for the 2009 With Leather/Kissing Suzy Kolber Nasty Fetish Tournament. Hosted by Christmas Ape and Monday Morning Punter.

The Gist:

See the completed pairings and a printable bracket after the jump.

China, you won’t understand this, because you all speak Chinese. Or so I’m told. I went there with a 500 word vocabulary, which seemed like 495 words too many, since the five words most Chinese people use every day to a curly haired filthy bearded laowai are foreigner, hello, aaiiiiiggggh!, prostitute, and beer. Those five in combination with yes and no should get you through most situations, as shown in the following sentence:

“Yes, foreigner. Prostitute? No. Beer? No? Aiiiiiiiigggggh!”

China’s got a billion people, so you know some of them can be conned into watching the NFL simply because there are a billion people in China, and over one hundred million of them don’t seem to do anything but smoke. And if the NFL has a target market, it’s people who sit around doing nothing but smoking–look at where they put their last four expansion teams. Cleveland, Houston, Jacksonville, and Charlotte are all chain-smoking zombievilles like most rural Chinese villages are, except without the thrill of dodging randomly placed feces of undetermined origin on the street.

[Correction: Jacksonville has plenty of randomly placed feces, but of definite origin. It's 100% pure incontinent retiree shit. We apologize for the error.]

Anyway, they’re allegedly going to rule this century, so we might as well send them our ultimate weapon: the NFL.

China will hen xihuan…

-China is an ancient culture full of past glories that happened millenia ago, which Chinese people will obnoxiously remind you of while they shoo away beggars and hock loogies loudly onto the ground. The Dallas Cowboys should have an immediate toehold on dominating this kind of a market.

–Booming business in Beijing’s state-sanctioned sex toy shops with arrival of Fred Smoot.

–As in the NFL, hooliganism is a crime punishable by death in China, meaning Roger Goodell could have Mike Vick and Pac Man Jones put to death by state mandate with no union muss or fuss. This is still something China would fucking love–they hold their executions in stadiums.

–Culture of rampant gambling and mad speculation means ex-NFLer Art Schlicter has an instant ‘in’ as a spokesperson.

–Mutual appreciation by Chinese people and NFL players of expensive, gas-flavored cognac and solid-gold plumbing fixtures.

–China will open new export market in illegal supplements to Shawn Merriman, who will immediately test positive for unsanctioned levels of bear bile, tiger penis, and lead in his blood. (Lead, you ask? This is a Chinese export. Chocked full fo lead for your convenience.)

–Just like the NFL, no one in China has AIDS.

–NFL offers new way to punish dissidents, who could be assigned to life of quiet torture in the gulag that is the Washington Redskins front office.

–Uniform playbooks? Crushing conformity of thought? We smell romance.

China will run over the NFL with a tank like a student protester for…

–19 hour work days for NFL coaches? Pussies.

–Esera Tualo, Peter King and Bret Favre also practice a felony punishable by death in China.

–Bill Cowher’s inability to father a son makes him a laughing stock as an analyst and announcer.

–NFL? Mostly black guys. China? All Asian chicks. A match made in heaven for NFL players, and in hell for Chinese men.

–Players’ inability to smoke during plays.

–The presence of that dirty half-breed Korean Hines Ward.

–Rich Eisen’s sweaty, desperate display of “yellow fever” whenever a Chinese woman is around.

–Pregame buffets sadly devoid of braised chicken asshole.

–”Dragon Bringing Sun To Earth” Mantis Kung Fu Throat Chop sadly forbidden under NFL rules.

During our blogger summit at a gay bar in midtown Atlanta, Ufford and we decided that EDSBS had to make an appearance in the mock draft category. Actually, we decided this, and threatened Ufford with leaving his pearl-buttoned shirt-wearing ass on the sidewalk at Piedmont and 10th for the Rusty Cocklords to have him as they liked if he refused us a spot in the mock draft.

Two rounds. Serpentine Draft. The order: Swindle, UM, CC, Ape, Drew, Flub, Punter.

Round 1, Pick 1 – Swindle – King Kong, “King Kong”

I die standing on top of the world, swatting planes out of the sky with my huge hairy arms, and watching the world gawk at my collossal cock and balls swinging like the inner workings of a universal sex clock over the city. Bullets rip into my flesh, but they only anger me in principle, since they barely scratch the epidermis of my stop-motion animated hide.

That’s what they’ll say when they gun shirtless me down outside a Miami convenience store, machete in hand and bomb strapped to my face: It was beauty killed the beast. (And a well-placed hollow point to the heart, of course.)

Round 1, Pick 2 – UM – Christ, “The Passion Of The Christ”

Mel Gibson’s uproarious comedy* culminates with the most important death in human history (apologies to Franz Ferdinand and Cus D’Amato). Now for the millionth time, WE’RE SORRY!

*I didn’t actually see the movie

Round 1, Pick 3 – CC – Tom Sizemore, “Saving Private Ryan”

Spend the day fucking up Germans in a French town while horrifically outnumbered before toughing it out with a bazooka despite getting shot in each shoulder. Then he delivers a badass line and dies.

And I’m still waiting for the Vietnam film that uses John Bobo’s death. THAT’S the one I really want.

NOTE: We couldn’t find the clip where Sizemore dies. Enjoy this 3-minute version of the D-Day scene.

Round 1, Pick 4 – Ape – Alec Guinness, “Bridge Over The River Kwai”

It seems likely I’ll die with shameful recognition. At best, I’d like to take
some people with me. Homer’s tongue hitting the destruct button in the
plant as he expired is similar, but I feel I’ve hit my Simpsons
reference limit for the week. Genuine class.

Round 1, Pick 5 – BDD – Tony Montana, “Scarface”

It’s not even close. If I’m goin down, I want to do it taking out as
many people as possible with a really, really big fucking gun. Plus,
all the cocaine I’ve ingested will render the bullet wounds relatively
painless (or so I’ve been told). I can’t think of a more
over-the-top, ludicrous way to die. I could even do that stupid Tony
Montana accent that every douchebag wearing a visor does at your local
watering hole. I could do without Tony’s killing his sister after she
offered to satisfy his disgusting incestuous urges. But otherwise,
this is the ultimate death scene for me.

Round 1, Pick 6 – flubby – C. Thomas Howell, “Red Dawn”

If I go out, I’m taking a couple helicopters full of Commies with me. WOLVERINES!!!!

I found some Red Dawn stuff on YouTube, but nothing as funny/creepy/possibly gay as this C Thomas Howell tribute video, complete with Vitamin C soundtrack.

Round 1, Pick 7 – Punter – The real President Mitchell, “Dave”
Death by ejaculation will never get its proper due.

Round 2, Pick 8 – Punter – Flounder, “Beerfest”
If I can’t fuck myself to death, drowning in beer wouldn’t be a bad substitute.

Way to pick deaths with no easy-to-find video, Punter.

Round 2, Pick 9 – Flub – Sam Jackson, “Deep Blue Sea”

The shark jumps out of the pool, grabs SLJ in his jaws and then, even though it is out of the water, the shark somehow manages to find some miracle reverse gear to go back into the pool. This death is an unapologetic affront to the laws of physics and nature. I dig that.

Round 2, Pick 10 – BDD – Maximus, “Gladiator”

The only thing better than dying in front of a crowd that’s cheering
your name is dying in front of a crowd that can only stare at you with
dead silent awe, because you are such a fucking badass. I have
vanquished my hated rival, died a hero’s death, and now get to return
to my kickass Tuscan villa and my hottie Italian wife for the rest of
eternity. Watching this scene stoned is just about the awesomest
thing ever.

Round 2, Pick 11 – Ape – Randy Quaid, “Independence Day”

Drunken, raving lunatic redeemed, but still dead. I suppose there’s some thrill in getting revenge on an anal-probing alien race and simultaneously saving mankind after being jilted and disdained most of your life. But the world is still in ruins because they didn’t heed your warnings, so there’s that.

In other words, I didn’t give this pick any thought.

NOTE: We couldn’t find that video either. Enjoy the air battle scene from that flick.

Round 2, Pick 12 – CC – Michael Douglas, “Falling Down”

Spend a day lashing out at just about every annoyance in society, teaching people some FUCKING MANNERS, and killing neo-Nazis execution style and inducing heart attacks in asshole golfers when necessary (video above). Then, suicide-by-cop to give my daughter the life insurance money. You’re welcome, sweetheart.

Round 2, Pick 13 – UM – Waring Hudsucker, “The Hudsucker Proxy”

When is a sidewalk fully dressed?
When it’s Waring Hudsucker!

I got video but it’s not in english…maybe even funnier.

Round 2, Pick 14 – Swindle – Hudson, “Aliens”

Go. Down. Shooting. And tossing out profanities left and right. If you’re gonna kill me, world, you’ll do it with a mouthful of lead and my dying words of hate in your ears, asshole. And when you do it, be sure to send soulless killing machines with acid for blood to do it–like, seventeen thousand of them. Because that’s just a start on what you’re going to need to finish the job.

Either that or some bad chicken served medium rare in a Chinese food stall in Kunming. That almost did the trick once, too.

Your favorite deaths in the comments.