This afternoon’s action is highlighted by the Patriots’ visit to Pittsburgh, where Rob “The Polish Pole” Gronkowski’s performance will determine whether spending one’s bye week with a 20-year-old porn star helps or hurts on-field performance. Disregard any other reasonable factor: Aaron Hernandez returning to the lineup, a week off to rest, whatever. If Gronkowski goes for a 100 yards and two TDs, bloggers and fans will be all “DURRR NAILING A YOUNG PORN STAR HELPS YOU PLAY FOOTBALL.” If he turns in a subpar performance, Dan Shaughnessy & Co. only have to dust off the ol’ “Pro athlete should focus on sports, not women” column and use CTRL+F to replace “Tom Brady” with “Rob Gronkowski.”

This is why most sports writing is terrible.

Here’s the full slate of late games with announcing teams (coverage maps here):

New England @ Pittsburgh (Jim Nantz, Phil Simms) ★★★★
Cleveland @ San Francisco (Ian Eagle, Dan Fouts) ★
Cincinnati @ Seattle — (Bill Macatee, Steve Tasker) ★
Washington vs Buffalo in Toronto (Thom Brennaman, Troy Aikman) ★
Detroit @ Denver (Dick Stockton, John Lynch) ★★★

I upgraded Lions-Broncos from two stars to three for possible Tim Tebow-related hilarity. The Dolphins sacked him SEVEN times last week. The Dolphins! Even with the Broncos’ new Tebow-friendly offense, I like the addition of Ndamukong Suh to that equation.

Enjoy the games, everybody. Unless you’re watching in a bar filled with Pats and Steelers fans. In that case, try to tolerate the games.

Your four-star rating system regrets to inform you that if today’s early games were a bag of Halloween candy, you’d probably want to torch a few houses in your neighborhood.

Arizona at Baltimore (Zagnut) **
Minnesota at Carolina (Sweet Tarts) *
Jacksonville at Houston (Candy Corn) **
Miami at NY Giants (Jesus tract) *
New Orleans at St. Louis (box of raisins) **
Indianapolis at Tennessee (toothbrush) *

Kansas City at Oakland ***

This afternoon’s selections are pretty dismal. The Raiders are still mum on their starting QB, but they’ve been making Davis-esque moves for the past couple weeks. Starting Palmer is the Davis move, so that’s what I expect to happen.

Pittsburgh at Arizona **

In 1944, the Cardinals and Steelers merged teams for a season and were known as “Card-Pitt”. In 2009, they met in Super Bowl XLIII. Today’s match-up will not be the basis for a historical anecdote.

Green Bay at Minnesota **

The Vikings are the last to figure out that Donovan McNabb is lazy and won’t learn the offense.

St. Louis at Dallas *

The Cavalcade of Screens Passes is on a collision course with the A.J. Feely Experience.

The 4pm offerings are usually a mixed bag, but today’s lineup is pretty solid. First-place Houston travels to Charm City to face the first-place Ravens. Meanwhile, the Patriots host the Cowboys. Jerry Jones has to be growing weary of lackluster play from his team. Maybe threatening a demotion to his El Salavador sweatshop is the motivation Dallas needs to changes its fortunes. The Raiders’ march to the playoffs in honor of their fallen owner continues despite zero recognition from their clownfraud of a governor.

The four star rating system THAT DON’T EVEN CARE…

Houston at Baltimore ***
Cleveland at Oakland **
Dallas at New England ***
New Orleans at Tampa Bay ***

Before the season no one expected the 49ers and Lions to be this week’s marquee match-up–yet here we are. The Bengals haven’t beat the Colts since Peyton was a rookie. That likely ends today. But win or lose, Curtis Painter will be cruising for chicks in his El Camino tonight. Look for Tom Coughlin’s head to turn purple and explode when the Giants crap the bed at home against the Bills. Meanwhile Philly will continue to confound fans by relying on zone schemes despite having the best collection of cover-corners in the league. Seriously, how does Andy Reid have a job?

Early games rated on the only four-star system that’s double board certified…

San Francisco at Detroit ****
St. Louis at Green Bay **
Carolina at Atlanta **
Indianapolis at Cincinnati **
Buffalo at NY Giants ***
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh *
Philadelphia at Washington **

The Eagles are 1-4. I hope that makes everyone as happy as it makes me. Here is some other stuff that happened during the early games.

• Victor Cruz made another ridiculous catch that was only possible because Eli Manning is a crappy quarterback. Under-throwing your double covered receiver is the new back shoulder pass.
• They were playing Nirvana in the stadium during the fourth quarter of the Giants/Seahawks game. Especially weird because they played in New York. Charlie Whitehurst led Seattle on a fourth quarter comeback, which is even weirder.
• Indianapolis blew a 17-point league and it wasn’t even Curtis Painter’s fault.
• The last holdouts have finally come around, Cam Newton officially “gets it.” The Panthers lost anyway.
• Pittsburgh and Tennessee reversed their own respective fortunes.
• Sebastian Janikowski honored the memory of Al Davis by kicking field goals of 42, 50, 54, and 55 yards while “tripping balls.”
• The Vikings scored 34 points and Donovan McNabb still only completed 10 passes. Adrian Peterson might be pretty good.
• Matt Cassel has been the best quarterback in the AFC since he was publicly berated by his dickhead coach. Something to remember if you ever find yourself coaching peewee football.

Here are the late games, scored according to the patented four (or sometimes five) star scoring system.

Tampa Bay at San Francisco **
San Diego at Denver **
New England at New York Jets ***

Long time readers might be aware that I’m the site’s resident Raiders fan. Being a Raiders fan used to be fun, but during the KSK-era it has been the source of derision and scorn heaped in my direction. However, with the passing of owner Al Davis yesterday, I want to focus on the entirety of Davis’ tenure with the organization.

Before Al Davis, the concept of firing an minority coach was a dream. Al Davis changed all that. In 1987, Davis became the first owner to fire a Hispanic coach when he bid ‘adios’ to Tom Flores. Some owners would be content to stop there, but not a trailblazer like Davis. Just a few short years later, he was the first to fire an African-American coach. Yes, every pink-slipped coach of color who would follow Art Shell can thank Mr. Davis. I’m looking at you, Tony Dungy.

Mr. Davis was progressive to his final days. Reportedly his final words were “I always wanted to sh1tcan a Chinaman.” One day, Mr. Davis, one day your vision will be realized.

Here are your early match-ups. Rated on the four-star system that is proven to be effective at accurately grading games according my super-subjective whims:

Tennessee at Pittsburgh **
Seattle at NY Giants **
Cincinnati at Jacksonville **
New Orleans at Carolina ***
Oakland at Houston ***
Philadelphia at Buffalo **
Kansas City at Indianapolis *
Arizona at Minnesota *

You’ve got one lousy 1PM slate in store for you today, with Texans/Steelers and MAYBEPOSSIBLYKINDASORTA Lions/Cowboys the only intriguing matchups. So why not get out there and get yourself arrested instead? I hear Radiohead is playing the county jail today. (NOTE: Radiohead is NOT playing the county jail today.)

Here’s what you missed if you were out during the early games.

• Two Eagles defensive backs ran in to each other for everyone’s amusement. Eli Manning wound up with a 70 yard touchdown as a result.
• Kenny Britt was carted off with an apparent knee injury. I haven’t examined the patient myself, but if he ever walks again it will be will be with a dead guy’s knee parts.
• All it took to make Carolina/Jacksonville enjoyable was a second quarter monsoon. Then the sun came out.
• Mike Vick’s hand is broken.
• The Patriots blew a three touchdown lead.
• You need to turn on RedZone channel right now.

New York Jets at Oakland ****
Kansas City at San Diego *
Baltimore at St. Louis **
Green Bay at Chicago ****
Arizona at Seattle *
Atlanta at Tampa Bay ****

Hello friends, and welcome to your early game thread. Fantasy owners: be advised that Arian Foster and Peyton Hillis are out, Willis McGahee is getting the start over Knowshon Moreno, and Antonio Gates is questionable but unlikely to play. Tony Romo is also questionable for Monday night’s game, which means he’ll have a phenomenal game if you bench him and won’t play if you start him. That’s how these things work.

For the proletarians who rely on network coverage to watch the games rather than DirecTV’s NFL package, you may find TV coverage maps here. Here are the early games and the announcers for them, as ranked by our patented four- or maybe five-star system:

★★★★★

New England @ Buffalo – Marv Albert, Rich Gannon

★★★★

Houston @ New Orleans – Greg Gumbel, Dan Dierdorf
Detroit @ Minnesota – Dick Stockton, John Lynch

★★★

NY Giants @ Philadelphia – Kenny Albert, Daryl Johnston, Tony Siragusa
Jacksonville @ Carolina – Spero Dedes, Steve Beuerlein

★★

Denver @ Tennessee – Bill Macatee, Steve Tasker

*fart noise*

San Francisco @ Cincinnati – Ron Pitts, Jim Mora Jr.
Miami @ Cleveland – Don Criqui, Randy Cross