One of the better surprises of the 2009 season has been the quiet, ninja-like efficiency of Cris Collinsworth in the color commentator’s chair for NBC’s Sunday Night Football. Everyone was aware of the large ass-groove that Cris was assigned to fill with the departure of John Madden, and Collinsworth has clearly made that ass groove his own. He’s brought insight, humor, and criticism to each Sunday Night game that he has covered, and we’re better for it.

First of all, HOW FUCKING HARD is it to find someone like Cris that, you know, JUST TALKS ABOUT FOOTBALL, and doesn’t try to give players idiotic nicknames, doesn’t make up football terms like “eye discipline,” and doesn’t act like he’s holding a hose at a kegger. I’m looking at you, Tirico. Cris has been great, great to the point that 11 percent of America is now gay for him (Source: Drew).

So now that everything is hunky dory in the Sunday Night booth, obviously it’s only a matter of time before something fucks it up. Don’t forget that Collinsworth was a former Bengal, and is obviously prone to the lascivious nature native to that club. So on behalf of a football-loving nation, do NOT sell any cocaine to Cris Collinsworth. I know the economy is bad right now, but think of America. Think of Dan Dierdorf. Think of Dan Fouts. Think of Dennis Cocksucking Miller. That is all.

We have four late afternoon affairs to keep you from venturing outdoors today, including three divisional contests. The Jets are in New England, and they’ve already learned that OWAH TAWMFOOLAHRY IS MOAR DISRUPTIVE THAN YOUAH TAWMFOOLAHRY.

- The Jets received an unwelcome wake-up call last night when the fire alarm at the team’s hotel was set off, prompting a complete evacuation. The Jets immediately suspected foul play, but their concerns were put to rest with a completely plausible explanation. You see, some maintenance workers were doing a bit of routine middle-of-the-night stairwell sanding. Obviously this created a cloud of dust that managed to set off the smoke alarm. It’s so absurd that it has to be true.

- Cue up the sad walking away music from The Incredible Hulk in Denver, because San Diego is going to hand the Broncos their fourth consecutive loss. Chris Simms will get the start in place of Kyle Orton, so Tom Brandstater should probably start getting loose now.

- Arizona is in St. Louis, but this game is barely being televised, so it doesn’t really count.

- Cincinnati starts their three week vacation today against the Raiders in Oakland, after which they return home to host Cleveland and Detroit. It’s going to be pure hell. Cedric Benson is officially inactive this week, not that it should matter.

Photo via Yahoo!

Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter has been benched against the Buccaneers this week. Apparently running one’s mouth against the Patriots will earn you a vacation against the next scrub team on the schedule. Which is almost interesting…

Tampa Bay beat the Packers last week, an NFC North team that was playing good ball before getting swept up by the Favre Frenzy, and then getting swept. But the weather seems to be terrific today, Joey. Surely you could get a quick nine holes in before kickoff. Scores. Maps.

Cardinals at Bears — The last time these two teams met, Dennis Green’s Buzzsaw jumped all over an error-prone Rex Grossman (SIX turnovers! Let’s see you do that, Jake Delhomme) and staked out a three-touchdown lead going into the second half of the Monday night game. Then Arizona blew the game without allowing a single offensive touchdown, which is really kind of an impressive feat when you think about it. Without Green or Grossman in the mix, this game lacks the same potential for hilarity, but we can still hope for some nice ass-crowning.

Dolphins at Patriots — Could be a tough day for Miami, as LB Channing Crowder and NT Jason Ferguson are both doubtful. Also, they needed two return touchdowns from Ted Ginn to eke out a win against a rookie quarterback last week. Oh, and Chad Henne is still their starting QB.

Ravens at Bengals — First-place Cincinnati looks to keep its perfect division record intact. Hey, when you get the chance to write “first-place Cincinnati,” you take it. Unrelated fun fact: the Ravens have scored more points than any other team in the AFC so far this season.

Texans at Colts — Two of the conference’s best offenses square off in an AFC South showdown! is what I would write if I didn’t loathe the Colts so much. Good news for Houston: Bob Sanders and CB Marlin Jackson are out for the season. Bad news: Owen Daniels is done, too.

Redskins at Falcons — Washington’s two victories this season: 9-7 over the Rams and 16-13 over the Bucs. Shitty teams that have beaten them: Lions, Panthers, and Chiefs. The Redskins are fucking TERRIBLE.

Packers at Buccaneers — Eh, at least the Bucs have sexy cheerleaders.

Chiefs at Jaguars — This game is why fantasy football is so important. Ordinarily, I couldn’t possibly give a shit about this matchup of two crappy teams. But I’ve got MJD and Jamaal Charles starting on one of my teams. Suddenly it’s thrilling: GO BOTH TEAMS’ RUNNING GAMES!

Are these new this year? Holy crap, they’re good. I’ve eaten like 17 of these since last night.

I’m digging through my kids’ Halloween candy while watching the early games. The occasion has led to me to rate the 4pm games according the types of candy I find…

Minnesota at Green Bay – This game is the good candy that’s always gone within a day and a half of Halloween. Like Reece’s Cups or fun-size Snickers bars. Brett Favre, who actually throws fewer interceptions than you think, makes his return to Lambeau today. Didja see Fuzzy Thurston bad-mouth Favre on ESPN Sunday Countdown this morning? Until you’ve had an old man with an electronic voice box curse your very name, you really haven’t lived.

Oakland at San Diego – Sure the Raiders suck, but I like them. So this game is an acquired taste that others might not necessarily enjoy, like Laffy Taffy or mini Heath bars. ESPN Outside the Lines wants to dispel the notion that Raiders coach Tom Cable only likes beating men half his size– apparently he also enjoys beating women half his size too.

Sadly, none of my trick-or-treaters looked like this.

Jacksonville at Tennessee – Somebody gave my kid a bag of pretzels. Seriously, a goddam bag of pretzels. What kind of sociopath hands out bags of pretzels to kids on Halloween? Fuck you, Mr. Neighbor Man, and fuck the people at the Utz snack company for enabling this asshole. This game features the return of Vince Young to the Titans’ starting lineup. So it’s not just a bag of pretzels, it’s a bag of pretzels with a rat turd inside.

Don’t get me wrong, Broncos-Ravens has a little bit of appeal (presuming the Ravens can get back on track and actually give Denver a game), and Miami heading to Giants Stadium to play the Jets is a serviceable rivalry. But the rest of these games blow. Rams at Lions? I’d rather get stabbed in the lung. Browns at Bears? Sounds incredibly suspenseful. Houston making the trek to Buffalo might be interesting if Ryan Fitzpatrick happened to sit on a horseshoe at some point last week (and honestly, he’s only replacing Trent Edwards. How much of a downgrade can that be?)…and then there’s Seattle at the JerryDome and Peyton taking on the 49ers. If those are the only games in your area, you may want to take a nap and find yourself refreshed for FavreFest II.

And if you haven’t set your clocks back yet…at least you’ll be an hour early for wherever you’re watching the games today. Good on ya.

Another precious Sunday afternoon has come and gone, leaving just one game left before another work week begins. The New York Giants host the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday Night Football, so sit back and enjoy the game with KSK. Who knows, maybe Crying Giants Fan will make his return to the comment section? Eh, probably not. After all, the Yankees game is on.

New England 35 – 7 Tampa Bay

Well the game was awful, but the crowd at Wembley Stadium seemed to enjoy themselves for the most part. Tampa could never get anything going on offense, thanks in part to Josh Johnson’s three interceptions. Tom Brady threw a couple of his own, although his miscues were offset by three touchdown passes. Wes Welker delighted the masses with a performance that Brits would likely call “Giggs-ian”. He caught 10 passes for over 100 yards and scored a first quarter touchdown. First round pick Josh Freeman saw his first action of the season after Josh Johnson was pulled late in the game.

Note: Brady threw three touchdown passes were enough to beat out the total goals scored in this morning’s Liverpool/Manchester match (Liverpool won 2-0).

Indianapolis 42 – 6 St. Louis

Steven Jackson expended a lot of energy for no reason whatsoever.

San Diego 37 – 7 Kansas City

Matt Cassel is still awful (10/25 for 90 yards with one touchdown and three interceptions). Marmalard hooked up with Vincent Jackson five times for 142 yards and a touchdown, almost all of it coming in an explosive first half.

Pittsburgh 27 – 17 Minnesota

It was a pretty even 13-10 game heading into the last quarter before shit started getting crazy. The Vikings had a 74-yard drive end abruptly when Brett Favre was stripped of the ball resulting in a 77-yard touchdown return by Lamarr Woodley. Percy Harvin answered back immediately with an 88-yard kickoff return for a touchdown to bring Minnesota back within three points. The Vikings were soon driving again with a chance to tie or take the lead in the final minute when a pass from Favre bounced off of Adrian Peterson and directly into the arms of Keyaron Fox. The Steelers linebacker returned the interception 82-yards for the game-sealing score.

Green Bay 31 -3 Cleveland

Anybody who was eliminated from their suicide pool this week is a fucking moron.

Houston 24 – 21 San Francisco

After going down 21-0 before halftime Mike Singletary benched Shaun Hill in favor of former top pick Alex Smith. Believe it or not, that actually worked. Smith tossed three touchdown passes to fellow first round disappointment Vernon Davis, but they were unable to secure a win. Andre Johnson was sent to the hospital after sustaining a chest injury late in the game.

New York Jets 38 – 0 Oakland

The most anticipated benching of the season finally arrived when JaMarcus Russell’s long leash finally snapped. Russell turned the ball over three times in the first quarter (2 picks and a fumble), although he wasn’t pulled until after Oakland’s quick three-and-out to start the second quarter. Things didn’t get much better after Russell’s exit, but at least nobody had to watch him play anymore. The Jets dominated the game on the ground, rushing for over 300 yards. Shonn Greene broke out for 144 yards and 2 touchdowns with Thomas Jones adding 121 yards and a score. Greene’s role will only grow from here, because Leon Washington’s season is probably over after snapping his fibula.

If you had to guess which team’s starting quarterback was caught eating a hot dog on the bench you would probably be wrong.

New Orleans 46 – 34 Miami

It’s a game like this that truly makes you appreciate the NFL’s Red Zone channel. They cut away to show meaningless scores elsewhere, but I never felt like I was missing key parts of the one really good late game. Drew Brees rallied following four earlier turnovers to lead the Saints on four scoring drives (23 points) in the final 17 minutes. Tracy Porter capped the comeback win with an interception returned for a touchdown with two minutes left.

Darren Sharper had a pick-six of his own earlier in the team’s 36-point second half. The score gave Sharper more touchdowns this season (3) than any running back, wide receiver, or tight end on the Washington Redskins.

Buffalo 20 – 9 Carolina

Sources tell KSK that this game happened. They were unable to confirm why. Jake Delhomme threw three interceptions, yet he was not among those quarterbacks benched this week. At this point it’s safe to assume that John Fox is attempting to hasten his departure in an effort to gain the inside track on the Washington job.

Cincinnati 45 – 10 Chicago

Carson Palmer threw five touchdown passes, including four on consecutive possessions to start the game. Jay Cutler did not (three interceptions and two fumbles).

Cedric Benson had a dream day against his old team with 189 rushing yards and a touchdown. Matt Forte did not (24 rushing yards).

Dallas 34 – 21 Atlanta

Okay, maybe I underestimated the Cowboys a little bit. Miles Austin now has 16 catches for 421 and 4 touchdowns in his two games as a starter in Dallas (171 and two scores today). Tony Romo delivered with a nearly perfect performance (20-28 296 yards 3/0), and recently demoted Patrick Crayton responded with two touchdowns (one on a punt return). However Roy Williams continues to suck, which is oddly comforting.

Hey, babe. We’ve been together for quite some time, now. Sure, three months may not seem that long to a lot of people, but I think it’s great. Come on inside. Sit down for a second. I have to ask you something.

Baby, would you be willing to sign a prenup?

NO NO NO, that wasn’t a proposal! Baby, I just wanted to know that if we ever got to that point where we’d be able to–Baby, what ring?! I don’t have a ring. No, I just wanted to know if that was something you’d consider. After all, you never gave my wanting anal or that gang-bang with Jordan Palmer a second thought.

Baby, where ya going? Come back! All I’m talking about is a previously negotiated division of property in the instance of dissolution! Any maybe some more anal! Baby, please!

Oh, you wanted a preview of the actual games? Sheesh. Alright…

Buffalo @ Carolina. Pop Warner offense meets “Pop Goes The Rotator Cuff” offense. Seriously, the Bills have been shitty for quite some time, but what the balls has happened to Jake Delhomme? Ever since he threw 19 interceptions against the Cardinals, he’s been more erratic than corn futures. Does the mob have naked pictures of your wife, Jake? It’s okay, you can tell us…

Jets @ Oakland. I actually am starting JaMaRCuS Russell in one of my seven fantasy leagues this week. I’m not bragging about it. It’s in an 18-team league where my only other viable options are Brady Quinn and Garo Yepremian. But even Russell hasn’t been handing out the ball like Mark Sanchez has been (5 picks against the Bills last week. The fuckin’ Bills, man! And seriously, if you’re one of the seven people still calling him “Dirty” Sanchez, just stop right now. That shit was never half as witty as you thought it was.

Chicago @ Cincinnati. The Bengals are 4-2 and have a chance to reclaim the division lead if they can get past the stoic Cutler and the Bears. I like to think of Cutler as a tall tree on a beach, and the surf is coming in and waves are crashing down on the beach and the tree is just standing there, and he’s thinking, “I don’t give a fuck, I’m a tree.” That’s Cutler to me.

Atlanta @ Dallas. Marion Barber is probable (thigh) so he’ll probably run for 130 yards and 2 TDs. Seriously, this guy would be a lock for the Hall-of-Fame if he could just stretch his career to ten years. But the way he plays, I don’t see it happening. He’ll just be another Eddie George.

New Orleans @ Miami. That’s a Super Bowl preview right there. The Super Bowl’s in Miami, right? Oh, haha, wait you thought…the Dolphins…oh, man, that’s good shit.

Enjoy the 4 pm games. Or don’t. Like I give a fuck.

Two warnings to UK NFL fans: 1) the Bucs are about as competitive as the London Silly Nannies
and betting against the Patriots can lead to embarrassing consequences (NSFW!)

 
A possible Super Bowl preview headlines an otherwise lackluster lineup of early games…

Minnesota at Pittsburgh – The undefeated Vikings come into Heinz Field for the first ever meeting of Brett Favre and Ben Roethlisberger. However, the outcome might not turn on either quarterback but the absence of the Vikes’ corner Antoine Winfield who is out for up to a month. If the Steelers come up with a victory today, maybe Roethlisberger can crack Trent Dilfer’s dumbass top five list.

New England vs. Tampa Bay – The NFL makes another visit to London today, even if it’s not the spectacle it once was. If the Brits are going to get four games per season, it’s high time they get accustomed to the great American tradition of the “dog game.” Most television markets won’t even get this game; which is a good thing considering that the Bucs are involved. However, Tampa Bay will have more fans in attendance than you might expect.– the Bucs have a strong British following. You go England, enjoy the game and your spotted dick.

Green Bay at Cleveland—The Packers are longing for the early days of the season when their offensive line was only shitty—now the line is injured AND shitty. The rest of the offensive isn’t much healthier, forcing the team to sign Zombie Ahman Green to shore up their depleted running game. The Pack would be screwed if they were playing an NFL team, instead they have a friendly against the Cleveland Browns– a mid-tier Big Ten team.

San Francisco at Houston – Both former Presidents Bush will be at the game; so if you’re going, try not to look like a slob for once. Frank Gore returns from an ankle injury—much to the relief of millions of desperate fantasy team owners. The Niners got ripped by Atlanta 45-10 in their last game, so you can be sure that Matt Shaub and Andre Johnson (the league’s best touchdown combination) have CB Nate Clements square in their sights. Michael Crabtree makes his first career start today and intends to mark the occasion by playing in a suit and wearing an old-timey helmet.

“Outta the way! Game’s about to start!”

San Diego at Kansas City—The unexpected death of LaDanian Tomlinson (1979-2008, RIP), has turned the Chargers into a one-dimensional passing team (kind of like the Dan Fouts teams of old, except much, much worse). The Chiefs on the other hand have built some momentum thanks to their one game winning streak. I think the Chiefs win today, but I can’t call one crap team beating another an “upset”.

Indianapolis at St. Louis – In making his prediction, Peter King makes the following Namathish promise:

“Peyton Manning’s only game in the Edward Jones Dome was a horrible loss — a 42-17 pasting by the Greatest Show On Turf team in 2001 — and produced some of the most pedestrian numbers of his life: 15 of 28, 195 yards, no touchdowns, one pick. If he has a game worse than that this week, this I vow: I will go a year without mentioning the words ‘Starbucks’ and ‘Red Sox’ in Monday Morning Quarterback. Promise.”

So needless to say, we are hoping for a superhuman effort from the SOSA Rams’ defense, or since there is no way in hell that’s going to happen, a catastrophic injury to Manning on the Colts’ first possession. Sorry, Pey-Pey, it’s nothing personal. [ thanks to Dave for the lofty tip ]

Tonight we’re treated to a game of Cutlerf*cker vs. Matty Ice. I’m told other people will be playing as well. Good people. People like Tony Gonzalez. This is your open thread for tonight’s festivities, so stick around and enjoy the games. Continue after the jump for the final word on the rest of Sunday’s games.

Minnesota 33 – 31 Baltimore

The Vikings went up early, and the Ravens hung around all afternoon. Baltimore battled back against a Vikings defense playing without Antoine Winfield, only to lose on a missed field goal by Steve Hauschka. Brett Favre was too nervous to watch, so he relied on Tavaris Jackson to tell him what happened. Which was pretty ridiculous when you consider the crowd’s immediate reaction, but hey, it was the most responsibility Jackson has had all year.

Kansas City 14 – 6 Washington

Motherfucker. The Redskins embarrassed themselves by losing another game to a winless team. Jason Campbell was benched after another wildly ineffective first half, yet Jim Zorn is still allowed to call plays. Telephone lines all over the DC area will soon be jammed by sports talk radio listeners calling in to bitch about Zorn and point out that Todd Collins completed a 40+ yard pass to Santana Moss on his first play. It might be time to join Redskins Anonymous.

Peter King just got off the phone with Vinny Cerrato, unfortunately neither of them were sufficiently distracted by the conversation to stumble out in front of an oncoming bus. King reports that Zorn still has his job, for another week at least, however they are going to ask him (nicely I presume) to give up the play calling duties. Hopefully Sherm Lewis calls plays as well as he calls a game of Bingo.

New Orleans 48 – 27 New York Giants

Maybe now everybody can cool it on the Manning vs. Manning Super Bowl talk. The Saints jumped out early and the Giants could never get back into the game. Drew Brees threw another four touchdowns while the Giants had to make due without Kareem McKenzie for much of the game. The right tackle was carted off with a groin injury in the second quarter.

Carolina 28 – 21 Tampa Bay

Dante Wesley is a dirty cock.

Smith has a concussion, and Wesley can probably expect a call from the league office.

Pittsburgh 27 – 14 Cleveland

Hines Ward smiled his way to 159 yards and a touchdown. BEN managed to throw for 417 yards while being propped up by Pittsburgh’s vaunted defense and running game.

Houston 28 – 17 Cincinnati

And that’s what happens when you start giving the Bengals the benefit of the doubt. Matt Schaub went for 392 and four touchdowns. The Bengals also lost Antwan Odom for the year to an Achilles injury following a pretty nasty chop block.

Jacksonville 23 – 20 St. Louis (OT)

The Rams quest for perfection remains intact.

Green Bay 26 – 0 Detroit

Pretty much what you’d expect, plus an appearance by Drew Stanton following a Daunte Culpepper injury. Things don’t look to be getting much better for the Detroit quarterback situation anytime soon.

Oakland 13 – 9 Philadelphia

Despite going up against one of the worst rush defenses in recent memory the Eagles never really bothered establishing the run. Westbrook and McCoy combined for 63 yards on 11 carries. Westbrook did catch nine passes, but it wasn’t enough to beat the fucking Raiders.

Arizona 27 – 3 Seattle

Seattle’s offense fell totally flat and they lost star linebacker Lofa Tatupu for the season to a shoulder injury.

New England 59 – 0 Tennessee

Holy shit, they finally let Vince Young get on the field for a few plays (0-2, 2 rushes for -1 yard). But Kerry Collins was just about to get things headed in the right direction (2-12, -7 yards, 1 interception)! Tom Brady threw six touchdown passes, including five in a quasi-Doug Williams-ish second quarter.

Buffalo 16 – 13 New York Jets

Jesus, how did the Jets possibly lose this game? Oh I know, they let Matt Sanchez throw the ball for some reason. The Jets rushed for 318 MOTHERFUCKING YARDS (210 for Thomas Jones), yet they allowed Sanchez to attempt an unconscionable 29 passes (he completed 10 and threw another five for interceptions). New York could have won with a field goal in overtime, but they were unable to get the snap down in time, and the Bills took possession. They kicked their own field goal a few minutes later to secure an improbable win. Ryan Fitzpatrick played most of the game (poorly) after Trent Edwards was knocked out early in the game.

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