Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter has been benched against the Buccaneers this week. Apparently running one’s mouth against the Patriots will earn you a vacation against the next scrub team on the schedule. Which is almost interesting…

Tampa Bay beat the Packers last week, an NFC North team that was playing good ball before getting swept up by the Favre Frenzy, and then getting swept. But the weather seems to be terrific today, Joey. Surely you could get a quick nine holes in before kickoff. Scores. Maps.

Cardinals at Bears — The last time these two teams met, Dennis Green’s Buzzsaw jumped all over an error-prone Rex Grossman (SIX turnovers! Let’s see you do that, Jake Delhomme) and staked out a three-touchdown lead going into the second half of the Monday night game. Then Arizona blew the game without allowing a single offensive touchdown, which is really kind of an impressive feat when you think about it. Without Green or Grossman in the mix, this game lacks the same potential for hilarity, but we can still hope for some nice ass-crowning.

Dolphins at Patriots — Could be a tough day for Miami, as LB Channing Crowder and NT Jason Ferguson are both doubtful. Also, they needed two return touchdowns from Ted Ginn to eke out a win against a rookie quarterback last week. Oh, and Chad Henne is still their starting QB.

Ravens at Bengals — First-place Cincinnati looks to keep its perfect division record intact. Hey, when you get the chance to write “first-place Cincinnati,” you take it. Unrelated fun fact: the Ravens have scored more points than any other team in the AFC so far this season.

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Are these new this year? Holy crap, they’re good. I’ve eaten like 17 of these since last night.

I’m digging through my kids’ Halloween candy while watching the early games. The occasion has led to me to rate the 4pm games according the types of candy I find…

Minnesota at Green Bay – This game is the good candy that’s always gone within a day and a half of Halloween. Like Reece’s Cups or fun-size Snickers bars. Brett Favre, who actually throws fewer interceptions than you think, makes his return to Lambeau today. Didja see Fuzzy Thurston bad-mouth Favre on ESPN Sunday Countdown this morning? Until you’ve had an old man with an electronic voice box curse your very name, you really haven’t lived.
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Don’t get me wrong, Broncos-Ravens has a little bit of appeal (presuming the Ravens can get back on track and actually give Denver a game), and Miami heading to Giants Stadium to play the Jets is a serviceable rivalry. But the rest of these games blow. Rams at Lions? I’d rather get stabbed in the lung. Browns at Bears? Sounds incredibly suspenseful. Houston making the trek to Buffalo might be interesting if Ryan Fitzpatrick happened to sit on a horseshoe at some point last week (and honestly, he’s only replacing Trent Edwards. How much of a downgrade can that be?)…and then there’s Seattle at the JerryDome and Peyton taking on the 49ers. If those are the only games in your area, you may want to take a nap and find yourself refreshed for FavreFest II.

And if you haven’t set your clocks back yet…at least you’ll be an hour early for wherever you’re watching the games today. Good on ya.

Your Sunday Night Football Open Thread

Another precious Sunday afternoon has come and gone, leaving just one game left before another work week begins. The New York Giants host the Arizona Cardinals on Sunday Night Football, so sit back and enjoy the game with KSK. Who knows, maybe Crying Giants Fan will make his return to the comment section? Eh, probably not. After all, the Yankees game is on.

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It’s Your 4 PM Open Thread.

Hey, babe. We’ve been together for quite some time, now. Sure, three months may not seem that long to a lot of people, but I think it’s great. Come on inside. Sit down for a second. I have to ask you something.

Baby, would you be willing to sign a prenup?

NO NO NO, that wasn’t a proposal! Baby, I just wanted to know that if we ever got to that point where we’d be able to–Baby, what ring?! I don’t have a ring. No, I just wanted to know if that was something you’d consider. After all, you never gave my wanting anal or that gang-bang with Jordan Palmer a second thought.

Baby, where ya going? Come back! All I’m talking about is a previously negotiated division of property in the instance of dissolution! Any maybe some more anal! Baby, please!

Oh, you wanted a preview of the actual games? Sheesh. Alright… (more…)

Two warnings to UK NFL fans: 1) the Bucs are about as competitive as the London Silly Nannies
and betting against the Patriots can lead to embarrassing consequences (NSFW!)

 
A possible Super Bowl preview headlines an otherwise lackluster lineup of early games…

Minnesota at Pittsburgh – The undefeated Vikings come into Heinz Field for the first ever meeting of Brett Favre and Ben Roethlisberger. However, the outcome might not turn on either quarterback but the absence of the Vikes’ corner Antoine Winfield who is out for up to a month. If the Steelers come up with a victory today, maybe Roethlisberger can crack Trent Dilfer’s dumbass top five list.

New England vs. Tampa Bay – The NFL makes another visit to London today, even if it’s not the spectacle it once was. If the Brits are going to get four games per season, it’s high time they get accustomed to the great American tradition of the “dog game.” Most television markets won’t even get this game; which is a good thing considering that the Bucs are involved. However, Tampa Bay will have more fans in attendance than you might expect.– the Bucs have a strong British following. You go England, enjoy the game and your spotted dick.

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Tonight we’re treated to a game of Cutlerf*cker vs. Matty Ice. I’m told other people will be playing as well. Good people. People like Tony Gonzalez. This is your open thread for tonight’s festivities, so stick around and enjoy the games. Continue after the jump for the final word on the rest of Sunday’s games.

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Oh, man. This is one awful slate of 4PM games. And we just had two five-star matchups in the 1PM slot. I hate it when the schedule is poorly balanced like this. Anyhoo, here we go with your late games:

Philly at Oakland: I have three Eagles starting in this game, and that still feels like an inadequate amount. I’d start Freddie Mitchell against the Raiders if he were still on the roster. Only Eagle not worth starting? Michael Vick. Because his presence on the Eagles is pointless, you see.

Arizona at Seattle: Uff vs. Leitch. Ufford spent four days in Vegas this week. FOUR DAYS. No one stays who in Vegas for longer than two days is ever pleased they did.

Tennessee at New England: I dropped Fred Taylor right before he put up 100 and touch the other week. Now he’s having surgery. PAYBACK’S A BITCH, FRED.

Bills at Jets: I was invited to attend this game. The forecast for the New York area today is 40’s and rain. I think staying home to bake blondies was a wise decision. Oh, blondies. You have my heart.

NY Giants at New Orleans A match-up of undefeateds and a possible NFC Championship game preview. The Saints have been impressive on both sides of the ball this season, while the Giants have generally feasted on inferior competion. However, I am of the “show-and-prove” school of thought. The Giants are the proven commodity here until the Saints knock them off. Asked about his first professional game in the city where he grew up, Eli Manning said “This is the building where Daddy used to play. Why does it smell like pee-pee?”

Baltimore at Minnesota After starting 3-0, the Ravens will be hard pressed to avoid their third straight loss. Meanwhile, Vikes WR Bernard Berrian briefly tweeted a picture of a nekkid lady in the shower. Unfortunately for us, he yanked it shortly thereafter, explaining that it was posted by mistake. Sarah Spain recreates the picture in question on her blog, although not in the manner you might hope :( I bet it was just like “Catholic High School Girls in Trouble” (nsfw, duh).

Houston at Cincinnati The Bengals’ home sellout streak reaches 47 games today, thanks in no small part to Chad Ochocinco and his corporate friends at Motorola. The Texans disappointing 2-3 start owes largely to an abysmal running game. If you don’t believe me, just ask the guy in your fantasy league that drafted Steve Slaton. Protip: avoid drafting midgets in early rounds.

Detroit at Green Bay After some picked Green Bay to make it to the Super Bowl this season, they’ve stumbled to a 2-2 start, largely due to a anemic offensive line. Fortunately for the Pack, they had last week off and will face push-overs such as the Lions, Browns and Buccaneers over the next four games. Matthew Stafford won’t be playing today. So if you were considering whether to start him… your season is already FUBAR and you should probably just drink heavily.

Cleveland at Pittsburgh Steelers RB Rashard Mendenhall will start today despite having the flu all week. Normally this would be cause for concern, but they’re playing the doo-doo Browns. Pittsburgh could start Rocky Bleier and they would still win. NFL Network showed`Big Ben arriving at Heinz Stadium today wearing a Bob Marley tshirt. “HARF HARF, Ben liked dog movie.”

Carolina at Tampa Bay While today’s slate of early games represent a considerable improvement over last week, the bottom of the schedule it still pretty dreadful. See e.g. ….

Kansas City at Washington “This pot is so good right now.”- Chris Cooley, on NFL Network, showing off the pottery wheel and artwork he keeps in his garage. Apparently, the Redskins tight end is really into making vases and what have you. Mr. & Mrs. Cooley aren’t the most inhibited couple so I was half-expecting to see their version of “Ghost”. No dice.

St. Louis at Jacksonville The Jags were violated by the Seahawks 41-0 last week. Look for them to take their frustrations out on St. Louis. One of the best burns in football history was back in the 90s when then-49er Ken Norton, Jr. referred to their hapless division rival as “the same ol’ sorry ass Rams”. That tag stuck for quite a while before fading from memory as the “The Greatest Show on Turf” rose to prominence. But now we have our SOSA Rams back. Long live the Same Ol’ Sorry Ass Rams!

Enjoy the games. Drew will be around later for the 4pm tilt.

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