A PK favorite! NO WAIT PETER, IT’S NOT ACTUALLY FOR YOUR ASSHOLE. FOR THE LOVE OF DUNGY, STOP HIM!

You’ll probably have to be trashed to withstand the deluge of Tom Brady “lubed up” jokes that will invade your feed throughout the Chargers-Greatriots tilt, which easily highlights the late afternoon slate. Other late game detritus, as weighed by our infallible four- (sometimes five-) star scale:

Dallas at San Francisco ***
Houston at Miami ***
Cincinnati at Denver **

Some lessons from the early slate after the jump

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It’s been a rough month for Austin, Texas area. Making them sit through Colts and Browns seems uneccesarily harsh. I mean, are people really that attached to Colt McCoy? Aren’t there other Longhorns in the NFL they’d rather watch? Of course the best game CBS is probably Buffalo hosting Oakland, and that’s just weird.

No Peyton Manning again today, or anytime soon for that matter. There is some news, however, as Jay Glazer reports that Manning traveled to Europe to undergo stem cell treatment prior to his most recent surgery. You’d think he’d have enough stem cells of his own, what with that giant fetus sitting on top of his neck.

Let’s break down each game on the 4-star scale, Flubby style.

Kansas City at Detroit **
Cleveland at Indianapolis *
Tampa Bay at Minnesota **
Green Bay at Carolina **
Chicago at New Orleans ****
Oakland at Buffalo ***
Baltimore at Tennessee *
Jacksonville at New York Jets **
Arizona at Washington **
Pittsburgh at Seattle *

I’m a tough grader.

It was such a short day, and yet we learned so much.

• The Colts are going to wind up with Andrew Luck. It’s going to be worse than genocide.
• Never EVER assume the Browns are going to win. Or anyone else related to Cleveland for that matter.
• Baltimore has a delightful fake extra point that they’ll never be able to use again.
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As you may have heard, Dan Snyder finally dropped his ridiculous lawsuit against Dave McKenna and Washington City Paper after admitting that he’d never actually read the article in question. The story probably would have been buried a bit in the wake of today’s game, but now we have a whole new thing to talk about. And it’s all thanks to Mike Wise.

This morning’s Washington Post features a column that details the courting process between the Washington Redskins and the Shanahan clan. It’s a fantastic piece that I will quote from at length after the jump, but I urge you to click through for the whole thing.

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The football foretaste on Thursday was so good, I do believe we’ll do this again. In lieu of analysis or thoughtful ruminations on the start of the season, here’s a collection of 25 amusing NFL player anagrams that someone else put together. You can tell we’re quite active on Sunday mornings.

Your early slate, replete with arbitrary ratings.

*****

Steelers at Ravens

The blood feud is resumed for the first of at least two times this season. Three, if lovers of TEXTBOOK SMASHMOUTH INJUREEEE-HAVIN’ FOOTBAW are lucky. As always, everyone expects a 11-9 finish, ignoring the fact that the teams combined for 55 points in their divisional round playoff game in January. Also, that both teams have some issues in the secondary. If you know me, I’ll be spending three hours spraying spittle at the TV throughout the game, not unlike Bill Cowher or this woman.

****

Detroit at Tampa Bay

YUNG GUNZ. Such high ceilings for these two teams, what with their young up-and-coming quarterbacks. Wait, when did Stafford get that designation? Because he beat the Patriots in the preseason. Maybe he’ll look good in the quarter and a half he plays before injuring his shoulder and missing the remainder of the season.

Atlanta at Chicago

Jay Cutler-to-Roy Williams is my most anticipated trainwreck of the season. No way it doesn’t descend into the saddest sideline fight in NFL history by Week 4.

***

Philadelphia at St. Louis

SAM BRADFORD SAM BRADFORD SAM BRADFORD SAM BRADFORD WHAT ELSE IS IN ST. LOUIS I DON’T KNOW SOMEONE TELL ME SAM BRADFORD SAM BRADFORD SAM BRADFORD

DREAM TEAM DREAM TEAM DREAM TEAM WHAT OTHER TALKING POINTS ARE THERE ABOUT THE EAGLES I DON’T KNOW MAYBE THEIR HORRIBLE FANS DREAM TEAM DREAM TEAM DREAM TEAM

Indianapolis at Houston

BAHAHAHA! Still no Fetushead! Oop. No Arian Foster either. With the rest of the AFC South in shambles, the road couldn’t be any clearer for the Houston Texans Americans Earthlings. So it should be extra hilarious when they manage to blow it yet again.

**

Buffalo at Kansas City

HALEY ON THE HOT SEAT! But of course. All the seats in the Camaro are heated.

Cincinnati at Cleveland

Only boosted to two stars for the potential for inter-Ohio tardery.

*

Titans at Jaguars

McNown alert. I repeat: MCNOWN ALERT. Only for the most morbidly curious (or unfortunate, if you want to throw in Titans and Jags fans). Hopefully the reports that Chris Johnson will have his carries limited will keep away even the most diligent fantasy owners.

Finally, after a two week run-up that featured such prepossessing storylines as Hines Ward going to a strip club, Ben Roethlisberger singing “Piano Man” at a bar and a bunch of injured Packers players being upset for being excluded, then included with criticism, into a team photo, we finally have a football game to a decide a champion.

Green Bay fans also spent the break cribbing all the Steelers fan traditions that people find obnoxious. A Titletown Towel has been produced for the game by the same company that manufactures The Terrible Towel. Lil’ Wayne, who claims both the Packers and his hometown Saints as his teams, remixed “Black and Yellow” with the predictable enough title “Green and Yellow.” He makes sure to take a shot at Steelers corner Ike Taylor, who also hails from New Orleans. Clearly it’s all about Green Bay pride for Weezy.

No doubt nearly everyone who isn’t a Steelers fan is rooting against Pittsburgh getting a debatably dynastic third Super Bowl title in six years for any number of reasons, not the least of which is Ben Roethlisberger. A Steelers win would produce a bunch of facile and annoying Roethlisberger “redemption” stories, followed by twice as many indignant and contrarian pieces about how saying anything even halfway complimentary about Roethlisberger ignores the unforgettable evil of two rape allegations that produced no criminal charges. As if anyone actually forgot that they happened. Meanwhile, every outlet save Jezebel has been content to ignore that the Packers have on their roster an alleged rapist who is still being investigated. But don’t let Brandon Underwood ruin your wholesome anti-rapist rooting interest, America.

A Green Bay victory would stick in the Ol’ Dongslinger’s craw and make his lone career Super Bowl victory that much less impressive, which would be nice. But that line of reasoning neglects that Favretard Green Bay fans gleefully enabled that prima donna asshole for years and years without compunction. 80 percent of them would still accept him as starter tomorrow even if Rodgers wins today. That’s not gonna be enough to sway anyone to back the Steelers, but just something to think about when you see five million fat cheeseheads imitate Rodgers’ title belt celebration if the Pack wins.

Oh, and this very well might be the last meaningful scab-free NFL game until 2012. You should probably make the most of it.

I know that in view of the impending lockout that we should be savoring anything even slightly redolent of the NFL, seeing as how after next Sunday it very well might be two years until our beloved league of leagues returns. But even seen through the prism of future abandonment, the Pro Bowl holds little appeal. I’m sure the cheerleaders in grass skirts will be nice, though.

And we won’t even get to see Rex Ryan coaching the AFC side thanks to the stupid new rule imposed last year that states that the team with the superior regular season record to lose in the divisional round must send their coaching staff, as opposed to the team that lost in the conference championship. Always thrilling to watch Bill Belichick angrily run up the score in a game where absolutely no one cares.

But maybe you’re a dedicated enough obsessive to tune in anyway for the one halfway amusing moment/excessive hit on a punter that will doubtlessly be posted on a dozen blogs the next day. For you, this is your forum. Wait, there’s really nothing else on tonight besides “Big Love” and “Shameless”? Am I actually kind of upset that this game is preempting an episode of “Bob’s Burgers”? Didn’t Sunday night have great TV not too long ago? I might get suckered into watching some of this after all.

[gif via]

The Jets went through the third-seeded Colts and the top-seed Patriots to get to the AFC title game. To advance to their first Super Bowl in 42 years, Rex’s pussytubing monsters of f*cking will have to get past the Steelers, the third and most recently successful of the AFC’s trio of standard bearer Super Bowl representatives for the last seven seasons. If successful, the Jets would have replicated the Steelers playoff run of 2005, when the 6th seeded Steelers also went through the top three seeds of the AFC on the road en route to Super Bowl XL. Oh God, all the undeserved credit that would be heaped on Sanchise. I can’t even imagine.

Anyway, the Jets beat the Steelers in Pittsburgh for the first time in the team’s history in Week 15, however the Steelers were without Heath Miller and Troy Polamalu, while Darrelle Revis appears to be more healthy now than he was then. Also, it was an entirely different game that has no bearing on what will happen today, so let’s just let it go already.

As for those who drew the likeness between Bart Scott’s postgame interview after beating the Patriots and a vintage WWE vignette, it all makes sense now:

In other news, James Harrison’s wish is to meet the Headshrinkers (Polamalu can probably hook him up).

An acceptable trophy for Harrison if he makes it to Dallas.

Enjoy the live blog run by KSK commenter par excellence Otto Man. I’m otherwise occupied freezing my ass off watching the game at Heinz Field (expected gametime temperature as I write this on Friday – eight degrees!). I’ll be carrying Rex Ryan-type bulk in extra layers.

In this one, people actually root for the asteroid to hit Earth.

Terrell Suggs termed the third meeting between the Steelers and Ravens “Armageddon.” He also said it will be the de facto AFC championship, because whoever emerged the victor in this game is supposedly virtually assured to defeat whoever wins between the Jets and the Patriots (let’s not mince words – the Patriots). So it’s pretty obvious Terrell Suggs is a tardwit mouthbreather, not to mention one who is quite fond of letting T-shirts do the trash talking for him.

Pfft. Birds don’t have five fingers, let alone a thumb. FIX YO ANATOMICALLY INCORRECT PROFANITY!

Ray Rice was apparently experiencing flu-like symptoms and spewing vomit-like substances into his toilet-like device on Friday. He’s going to play anyway, which is good, because this wouldn’t be much of a game if captain checkdown Bert Flacco didn’t have his target of choice coming out of the backfield. Rice had 52 rushing yards in two games against Pittsburgh this season. Without 26 more, you just know they’d be toast.

Ben Roethlisberger has won his last six starts against the Ravens and Pittsburgh is 2-0 in the playoffs against Bawlmer. Those stats obviously don’t mean much for today’s game, but if The Ben takes another from the Ratbirds, it just means another year of Ravens fans’ tear-laden masturbating to Bart Scott’s hit from 2006. That Scott left the team two years ago only makes the still-constant chest-beating about it all the more morbidly hilarious, like most things about Charm City.

NBC couldn’t possibly be more thrilled to get Manning on one of their two playoff broadcasts this season. They had him on during halftime of the Saints-Seahawks game, where Pey-Pey laughably credited the team’s tepid success to Jim Caldwell not making a facial gesture in the last decade. Not that that was half as bad as Costas practically calling the Colts the story of the year the previous week, hailing among other things:

- The Colts overcoming injuries, because no one else has had to do that.

- Peyton seeming to play at times 1-on-11. Coincidentally, one-to-11 was his ratio of touchdowns to interceptions in Novembers.

- The Colts winning with “professionalism and Peyton” so long as professionalism can be counted toward Pat McAfee’s arrest and Eric Foster maybe raping someone.

Guhhhhhh. Where are the Sarah PAC bullseye over Lucas Oil when you need one? For all the media attention lavished on the Jets, at least it’ll take a good few years to build the kind of excusekkake Costas blasts in our collective mugs, at least once he clambers up six phone books so he can reach face level.